Husband Not Interested in Sex

mythreesonzOctober 14, 2006

I saw a previous post about this subject, but as important as it is, and due to the fact that it seemed to fall by the way side a few months ago, I wanted to bring it up again.

I am 34 years old, have been married for 7 years to a man 10 years my senior. He does have some ED issues, and refuses to seek treatment. I have told him many times that I don't believe I can live like this, but nothing changes. I have never been the most "sexual" person in the world. Once every couple of weeks would be fine with me, or once a week...but not every day by any means! Of course like most things, since sex has been eliminated from my life, it now seems to consume me. BTW, it has been about 1 1/2 years since we last had relations, and 2 times in the last 3 years.

We are now sleeping in separate beds (for about 1 year) becasue I was really depressed waking up every morning to find the he had tip-toed out of bed so as not to wake me and thus avoiding any of my advances. I lost 55lbs a few years ago, thinking my weight was the reason he wasn't attracted to me, but I have become so depressed that I have since gained it all (and then some!) back.

I guess what I am wondering is, am I fooling myself thinking things may change? Should I try to live my life as if I am living with a neighbor or a friend as our relationship is now? I wonder if I am being selfish, because we do have 3 small boys (yes, we did have a sex life at one time! About once or twice every two weeks for the first few years.) I try to tell myself that since my husband and I are very civil to each other, we kiss each other every morning and night and say "I love you" in front of the kids and stuff like that, I figure I should forget about my needs and try to give them a stable life. Maybe a little input from some others in my position would help point me in the right direction. Thanks a lot!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

A lot of couples have differing desires for frequency, and I suspect, the partner who wants less usually feels at least a bit guilty and pressured about not wanting to provide as much as the other partner wants. I also suspect that this is an extremely difficult reality for most couples to discuss honestly. And that the absence of an open discussion and acknowledgement of the difference leads to the "duck and run" avoidance behavior you're seeing. Do you still have enough emotional closeness that you could discuss it with your husband? Would working with a counselor help or make things much more difficult to discuss?

Right now, I suspect your husband just knows you want 'more, more, more!' and that's threatening. But if he knew that once a month or once every two weeks could be enough to satify you and bring back the closeness you once enjoyed, do you think he'd be willing to try that? Maybe arrange a standing 'date night' every so often? And with all of the drugs on the market now aimed at treating ED, it seems a shame to just give up...

    Bookmark   October 15, 2006 at 12:09PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OP - when you say ED issues do you mean he has seen a doc and been diagnosed? The weight thing is a big thing for guys. They want their women (usually) looking good and in good shape. When you lost all the weight did it change the picture at all. Why did you regain the weight? Just curious because mine would rather have a thin partner. You say you used to have a sex life. You are only 7 years married what do you considered "used to". You had 3 pregnancies which definitely impact the sex life. Maybe you could focus on you and getting the weight off and getting in shape might make you more appealing to your partner. Perhaps walking and exercising is something you and your partner could do together. I gained alot of weight with my first pregnancy and believe me my husband was not at all turned on by it. When I got the weight off and got myself in better shape not only did I feel better about me, I felt better about everything. What I am trying to get at is - don't give him a reason not to be attracted. I am not being cruel just speaking from experience with the weight thing being a turnoff. Also your husband's age is 44? ED usually affects men in an older age group if it is an organic origin. Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2006 at 12:34PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for the input so far. Thought I'd take the time to answer some of the questions. Sweeby, You're probably right about the "feeling threatened" thing. We have talked honestly and openly about it in the past, but I kind of gave up, since he would say, "Yeah, ok, you're right." Then not seek help for his problem. So I felt like I was the only one trying to "fix" things.
I don't believe 44 is too young to experience ED. From what I have researched, a man of any age can have it. He has not been diagnosed, but the signs are all there. And He is overweight, smokes, heart disease, etc.
When I lost weight before, it had no positive effect on our sex life.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2006 at 1:08PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It sounds like you didn't have much frequency even when you were in your twenties and presumably you were new to each other. It isn't going to get better. He doesn't think he has a problem. He apparently isn't a worrier about much if he smokes, etc. and the problem is really yours and so is the decision.
You have little kids--being a divorcee with small kids has its own problems. Do you have a good job and skills? If not, shape up, get some skills and get on with your life. ED is often caused by high blood pressure, smoking doesn't help,and poor circulation involved in heart disease is a contributor. He also is not going to live to be 90 I would guess, so at some point you are going to be on your own even if you stay married.
You have some tough choices. He is not going to change, and this problem doesn't magically get cured. The treatments also need somebody who is willing to do it. Pills and shots only produce ability not willingness or desire.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2006 at 5:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Work on yourself, loose weight, be healthy, you will feel better, and it will give you something to focus on, other than your current problem.

The children want happy healthy parents, who love each other.

You seem okay, living the way you are ..but you want things to improve. Its worth exploring ways to make things better for all of you, your DH sounds like he may be miserable and unhappy. Tell him that you are concerned about his welfare. Maybe try a different way of approaching the subject.


    Bookmark   October 22, 2006 at 6:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh my, gosh and golly! Mythreesonz you are not alone! My wife has been clinically depressed on and off over the years with an aversion to intamacy, no love (that I can detect and all of the negative outlooks onlife... ouph, its a heavy load!) gee, looking back my advice to you would be to seek out a therapist that you are BOTH ok with, then give this matter the attention it desreves. Be brave, I wish you well, I'm still trying to figure out what to do.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 8:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

HI there.I most certainly do not think it's a weight issue.And not all men are turned off by their woman gaining weight. My husband attacked me every chance he got when I was pregnant.
I think it's his E.D...I have a friend who is is not even that old (in his thirties) who has E.D. because of diabetes,and he totally has no sex drive at all. He doesnt even talk about women like most men do (you know,"Look at that!")
It would be just like for a woman who doesnt want it because of a hormonal imbalance after pregnancy.
You cant blame him for not actively wanting to get help,as it can be kinda embarrassing.Yet,you shouldnt have to suffer either!
Is he willing to please you in other ways? manually,or orally? because that could be the next best thing for you if he cant "pitch a tent" himself. If he loves you he should be willing to want to at least help you out and cuddle.
At the very end of my pregnancy I couldnt have sex for medical reasons,but I still helped my husband out if you know what i mean.
Maybe you could try Viagra? You should get him to quit smoking,I heard that lowers sex drive too. You certainly arent alone.But please dont feel like it's you!

    Bookmark   December 28, 2006 at 3:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am sooooooooo in the same boat. Husband not interested, marriage falling apart. I would love to talk to all of you. Please let me know if anyone is still out there and I'd be very happy to share my story.... thank you so much!

    Bookmark   January 14, 2007 at 9:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Can I suggest you start a new posting, explaining your problem, I am sure there are lots of people who can give you some suggestions.

All the best to you.


    Bookmark   January 15, 2007 at 1:22AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, Popi. I will do that. -Sohurt

    Bookmark   January 15, 2007 at 2:49PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I feel your pain! That can really hurt a woman. If you love someone and care about having intamacy whether sexual or not you would be considerate of your partners feelings. He should at least be doing something for you. You would for him I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot.My husband acted like that and then I caught him with porn

    Bookmark   January 27, 2007 at 3:02AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow, and I thought I am the only woman with this type of problem.

My husband and I are married now for almost 4 years - pretty much newly weds. Sex happens, if initiated by me, with timespans of 2 - 6 months in between. Not enough for me and I am getting more and more frustrated.

I already downloaded divorce papers and started filling them out, that is how far this has escalated.

He is just not interested in me anymore and I feel rejected, not desired and unloved.

I am aware that we have a lot on our plate, but there still should be time left (even if you have to make time) for romance and love. My husband rather hauls logs until late hours, instead of spending time with me and making love.

I cannot even remember the last time, he kissed me passionately. His usual morning and evening pecks on the lips and that is it.

When I try talking to him about it, I get to hear "we have to approach each other". I am the only one approaching, he is the one retreating. I tried everything, massage to release his tension, sexy lingerie, just cuddling, nothing seems to awake his interest. The lingerie worked one time, and I had the feeling that I more or less raped him.

When the "blue moon" finally is there, I am so over-exited that I either don't have an orgasm or that it comes within the first 5 minutes. And I could cry afterwards because I have the feeling it was mechanical and just physical satisfaction and not making love.

The worst is, that I know about his previous marriage and how he got out of having sex with his ex-wife by saying "I have a headache" or "I'm not feeling well". Now I am his ex-wife. She actually accused him of being gay to explain his lack of interest in sex.

I used to be on anti-depressants because of this but I refuse to take them anymore. I have turned more to anger and frustration to get over the hurt his lack of interest causes.

Any suggestions from anyone?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2007 at 6:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I see this problem is possibly way more common than I thought! Makes me feel a little better. Here is my story ( in a nut shell). My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two small preschool children. When I got pregnant he changed overnight about sex! We used to have a wonderful sex life. Yes, he suffers from E.D., but that was being dealt with. It was really strange how he changed as soon as I became pregnant. We do have problems that he says contributes to him not wanting to be intimate. He thinks I nag too much about things,etc. This is true sometimes; however, it doesn't explain the overnight change in him after I became pregnant. I think I remind him of his Mother too much. He comes from a passive-aggressive family and I sometimes think that it is his way of having some control over me?? His Mother is overbearing and controlling ( I think I can be a bit controlling--not overbearing!) and I think when I became pregnant he felt too shackled?? I have also kept on 15 lbs from pregnancy and I know he is a very visual man (aren't they all on some level?) Again, this does not explain his complete change after I became pregnant. I have tried to talk to him about this and his explanations are ....we have sex plenty of times (not true) , when are we supposed to have sex (we work opposite shifts but have weekends off together most of the time), I don't feel like being intimate when you are always nagging at me. I am now on the path to acting like I don't care and not know the old cat and mouse game. On the rare occassions that he acts interested I act like I don't want to. I think I gave in once or twice. This is a recent thing. I am also, starting today, on my way to losing weight. If anything it will make me feel better. By the way, the thing that hurts so much is that he is interested in adult material if you know what I mean...In the past we have enjoyed it together. He continues to view it and that is hurtful because he has little or no interest in me .... So the desire is there...........just not with me. ...........any comments would be appreciated!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2007 at 6:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This is in response to desertmoon----
I know the anger and frustration you are talking about. I really feel it is something wrong within the men for them to be so cold about the issue. I figure it can't hurt to act more confident in yourself and to act as though you could take or leave them when it comes to this sex thing! I agree with what someone said earlier. Take care of yourself better. Act mysterious to a degree. Go out with friends more,etc. I am going to try this stuff. We'll see where it gets me........

    Bookmark   August 5, 2007 at 7:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


If your DH is indulging in adult material, do you think this could be some sort of addiction ?

If YOU feel uncomfortable with it, then it is a problem.

I wish you well in your loosing weight endeavours, I think you are on the right road, concentrating on your own health and welfare.

Happiness comes from with-in.


    Bookmark   August 6, 2007 at 4:05AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for the feedback. Addiction? It has went through my mind. I am uncomfortable with it because he is not that interested in me. If he were still interested then I wouldn't be having such a problem with it. We used to enjoy it together. Now I want nothing to do with it due to that seeming to be his only source of sexual gratification. He knows I am very hurt by his continued viewing of it;however, it hasn't stopped him ...until least I think. I wouldn't know for sure unless I bought tracking software (which I have considered). It is sort of becoming on obessesion this whole sex with him thing. I have decided that I am bowing out (or at least trying to ) and taking care of myself. Hopefully forums like these will help me! Maybe I have been a little too afraid of taking care of myself and gaining new confidence because I am not sure that will bode well for our silly as that sounds. The alternative hasn't been working out though. I am throwing my hands up and walking away (figuratively speaking).

    Bookmark   August 6, 2007 at 5:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Let me get really specific --

Is it strictly 'sex' he's avoiding?
Or is it really intimacy? All forms, especially emotional intimacy.

There's a difference - and it matters.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2007 at 6:09PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Okay, I had to think about your question for a while. It has been such a slow progression on the intimacy loss that little by little it has just eroded away. Eroded away for various reasons and a lot of it had to do with him not being compassionate about things and considering my feelings about certain stressors (his family) and other things. I gradually became sort of hateful to him on and off. Mostly due to hurt because he never would validate my feelings on certain issues........never. The more he ignored my feelings the meaner I have become and the less he wants to have sex with me. The less he wants to have sex with me the less intimate I want to be with him on any level. Any suggestions? Talking with him just doesn't cut it. It is like he just wants me to shut up about any personal issues. I admit I have talked them "to death". I have a tendency to do that...especially when I am not getting the feedback. A couple of years ago he lost his well paying job and has had difficulty finding comparable employment. He works, but not near as good of a job and this has created a lot of tension. He has not handled the job search well in my opinion a lot of people's opinion. That has made me more bitter and him more withdrawn. I can't seem to make him see the role he plays in this. Maybe he doesn't care??

    Bookmark   August 8, 2007 at 8:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Lack or absence of intimacy and sex often (if not always) indicate a more serious problem in a relationship. Possible affair, lost of emotional intimacy, or maybe the other person just don't want to be there anymore etc.

I found it to be a good indicator through my own divorce and subsequent relationships experiences.

Address the issue on a serious level, get a therpaist, and if it does not help move on. Nobody is obligated to stay married in absence of intimacy. You are too young for that. 2 times in 3 years? Excuse me! There is nothing wrong with you, and you don't need to put up with that. I know it is hard to be divorced with 3 children, but what is the alternative?

    Bookmark   August 9, 2007 at 1:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sounds like you two do have a lot going on --

Have you tried counseling to work through some of these issues? Working with a good counselor can really, really help. It can help you both find a path to walk together through the issues with his family, and learning how to talk-through issues before they leave you both feeling frustrated and resentful. It may also help him get his 'mojo' back so he can get his professional life back on track.

Solo counseling for you (or a good girlfriend) can help you work through those 'talk 'em to death' issues without boring your husband.

But if you both love each other, are truly committed to the relationship, and are willing to take emotional risks to make it work (put being happy over being right) -- then you can work it through.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2007 at 10:51AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We have tried counseling together and alone. It helped me to understand him and myself so much. It did nothing for him because he refuses to see that he does anything and I mean anything wrong. So you see how things can only go so far as getting better goes. He has so many walls built up and always has...I just couldn't see it before.
The counselor was very good and he (counselor) said, after sessions with us together and alone, that my husband wasn't ready for all he had to say. He wasn't ready to deal with his issues basically. What can you do in this circumstance?? Stay,settle, accept the tiny bits of emotional/sexual intimacy he throws at you and find a life outside of your marriage (I'm not talking affair) or leave. I think these really are my only choices. I do think your advice to find other outlets for talking besides him is good. I can see why he can't stand it anymore. I really can. Today he has an interview for a good job. I couldn't get excited about it at all. Been let down too many times. Either because of his own stupidity about the job search or it just really didn't work out for some other reason. I didn't tell him good luck and I really didn't ask any questions and don't want to hear anything about it unless he can tell me he got the job. Does this sound cold? Yes I know it does, but you have no idea what he has put me and himself through with all of this. Simply put, I guess you could say I am in self preservation mode big time. I used to think that when the job thing got straightened out that would ease tensions and other things might get better as a consequence. Now I am not so sure. You know, nobody in his family has good marriages. They are all terrible........ours is the best in his family and I am not kidding. It is really sad. I know this is long........thanks for listening!!

    Bookmark   August 9, 2007 at 2:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am about to enter into the 'self care/preservation' mode! My husband has no interest in having sex with me, no interest in doing anything to change it, etc. Says that he doesn't have the energy, we don't have the privacy, it's too much work, I put too much pressure on him, I'm insatiable, etc. Nice guy, great dad and so on. Things can go along for a time relatively well - kind words, glimpses of emotional intimacy, affectionate pecks on the cheeks and 'touch charges' and then I start to think about being in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. Yikes. How does one let that spark die in oneself? Any suggestions on how to become uninterested in sex? Sometimes I convince myself that I didn't enjoy it that much anyway! Not true at all but, I try! What are some successful coping strategies? Infidelity is a nonoption.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 6:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I read about a technique used by a sex therapist once that I wonder if some of you should try - it reportedly had very good results. She would tell the couples that they had to find time when they could be together for an hour in bed, uninterrupted by children, telephone, etc. Then they have an assignment. For the first half hour one member of the couple is to make the other feel physically good, using gentle touching and massage, following their own desires but also letting the recipient guide them as to how, what and where felt best. Then the couple is supposed to switch, with the other member being the recipient. The couple is supposed to repeat the exercise for 5 days. But - VERY IMPORTANT! - no sex - of any kind - NEITHER member of the couple can have an orgasm. This has to be clear and agreed to by both members of the couple prior to the exercise - NO SEX ALLOWED at any time during the five day period. The therapist reported that frequently the couples would report that they felt awkward the first day or two, but over the course of the 5 days, let's just say that most of the couples felt that their lives had "improved". I believe the idea here is that once the stress of having to perform and fears that one's needs will not be met are taken away, and the focus is returned to just experiencing pleasure and giving the other person pleasure, well....things just have a way of working themselves out. If you are the member of the couple that is the one that is feeling deprived, and you can convince your mate to try this, be sure you go into it with the expectation of NOT having sex at any time during the 5 day period. Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 7:32PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for the thought Honeyb2. Been there, done that. My husband is perfectly happy with the plan. He has NO problem with the no sex for those five days or the following five days or the five days after that, etc. It leaves me feeling even more frustrated and rejected. The idea about non-performance pressure is a great one if there is an interest in performance! For my husband, the idea of getting a backrub with a guarantee of not having to have sex is his idea of heaven. Unfortunately, it doesn't lead to anything else.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 9:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I really have no idea how to get the "spark" in oneself to die. I don't really think you can will it to do that; however, I am not sure. I think your frustration would come out in other ways??
Good suggestions from honeyb2. This would only work if both people are really interested in making some changes and caring about the other persons needs. I don't have that here that is for sure. It sounds enticing and fun though. Would really work for some people.
Not sure how some of you feel, but what do some of you think about "taking care of yourself" /"self gratification"--if you know what I mean. Do you think that is weird? I find it rather sad in a lot of ways (that it would come down to that), but sometimes I feel it just may be the only option if one wants to stay in the relationship. Opinions???

    Bookmark   August 14, 2007 at 6:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If both parties are *really* interested then those therapist techniques may work...but I have had sex *1x* in close to 5 years! I have done the lingerie, candlelight dinners, romantic music, sent cards via email preparing for the night to possibly happen. Then he comes home a bit later knowing I have started the ball rolling...complaining starts in as to why it isn't a good time. BTW, I am not ugly or not fashionable, I am a very well kept woman who takes time to keep myself looking good and my hair (blonde) on a budget (mind you he doesn't want to pay for it, he's mentioned why don't I go gray!!!) He plain ol' doesn't care, I could wear a bag over my head and he wouldn't notice! He doesn't want to be touched...cannot even touch him on the butt for a possible love pat (makes him uncomfortable)...HUH??? He's not gay and there is no other woman (wouldn't dream of it)...he's just been this way I guess because of the way he was brought up...pure guilt about sex. I have mentioned seeing a sex therapist...he got outraged! So, I'm getting my ducks in order, it's a matter of time till my child can be on his own, and I can move on.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2007 at 10:41AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think that there are all different kinds of situations with regard to lack of intimacy. Some people married thinking the person would change and knowing how they are in advance, others may have been ok and then things started to change for various reasons, others may have this problem because their spouse has psychological issues from their past or childhood that didn't surface until later. The end result is the same but the reasons may be different.

In my situation DH always had a low sex drive. I never went with anyone else before DH. I knew what he was like before I married. I thought it would change after time because he had a lot of stress in his life. That was not the case. He never would go for counseling. He felt that it was my problem and not his because he was happy as long as I did not apply any pressure. I think that it is very humiliating for a man to own up to being that way. Men are suppose to want a lot of sex. They don't want to be exposed. Most of the time it is the women who avoid sex not men. People have been conditioned to think that men have the higher sex drive.

I don't know what kind of sex drive I have. I never experienced it. After thirty plus years of this situation, I think the hardest part is the rejection. I can't say for sure if I would have been happy with one time a week or every day for that matter.

Since every situation is unique, I think it is best to try counseling to find out what the cause is and first off get a physical exam as there might be some medical problem that can be addressed.

I'm sorry that you all have this issue. It is a very sad thing. It is not easy to just walk away when you have kids who will be hurt. Also, it is not easy financially. When you divorce you have to pay to live in two separate places and that can get really hard on the pocket when children are in need.

Some of you are married and don't have children yet. If you try to get help and your spouse is cooperative that is great especially if there is improvement. I am sure there are good reasons to stay with someone if there is a good relationship in other areas of the marriage. But, if you find yourself getting depressed and are hurting all the time and fighting, it might be a good idea to get out before you have kids. There is a good possiblity that once you do have kids you might wind up spending the rest of your life that way. Think about it real hard and get help maybe thru counseling to make the best decision for yourself. Remember, it is your Life. You are going to only get once chance to live it. Once you spend it, it is gone forever.

There is also a part of me that feels sorry for my DH. I know that he is a good man and father and provider. I think that he would have been the best husband that ever could have been if he could have only overcome this problem. Maybe some are just hard wired that way. When I have a bad day and feel low about it I just ask for the strength to keep Loving despite it.

I don't think it will ever change as I gave up on hope a long time ago.

Good Luck to all of you that try to get help from counseling or medical doctors. I wish someone might be successful in saving their marriages and emotions with this difficult problem.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 1:27AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If someone has never experienced this in their lives, they have no idea the pain a woman goes through as a result of being rejected by their Husband romantically. The sleepless nights, tears, anger, frustration, panic (the *is it me?*), thinking you aren't at all attractive to the opposite sex...and you can run the gambit. But, you do get fed up....and I am at that place. I cannot even fathom how I got here, but I am here, and I realize I have been hurt in my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit by this...truthfully. Now, I am starting to understand *Me*, and what I need to do to go on with or without him. It really doesn't look like I will have *sex* with him is too darn awkward after 20 years...and we are miles apart.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2007 at 9:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow Ladies,
I feel compelled to respond. I have been in this situation for 18 years. It is only the last year that I truly discovered the real problem. My husband is a sex addict. After lots of research, and therapy, he is in recovery. A long hard road for both of us. There is many levels of sex addiction. Some only use masturbation and porn and some use prostitutes, affairs, etc. There is something also known as sexual anorexia. Where the sex addict will masturbate but avoid intimacy with you.

There is a lot of information available on this subject. If you google sex addict, sexual addiction, etc. you will see some insightful stuff. Dr Doug Weiss is an expert on this and his center for recovery has been so very helpful.

My husband now schedules a polygraph test every 6 months so I know the truth I deserve. It's the dishonesty that hurts more than the act itself.

I'm submitting something I wrote during my recovery. See if you can relate. By the way my recovery from his addiction is just as long and as hard.

Im Tired

IÂm tired of feeling like IÂm the crazy one.
IÂm tired of searching for evidence/proof that he has lied to me again.
IÂm tired of wondering if today will be the day that he has a relapse.
IÂm tired of wondering if today will be the day he wants to make love to me because IÂm his wife, and he wants me because I turn him on, not some image in his head.
IÂm tired of pretending we have a great marriage to outsiders when in reality it sucks.
IÂm tired of living with a best friend and not an intimate lover.
IÂm tired of trying to always look my best for him when I know in my heart it makes no difference in the outcome of the day.
IÂm tired of the loneliness.
IÂm tired of crying.
IÂm tired of my kids thinking they have a depressed and angry mom.
IÂm tired of feeling guilty for worrying about this when others have much more to worry about like a terminally ill child.
IÂm tired of people thinking IÂm the one who has a problem.
IÂm tired of the lack of empathy from my husband.
IÂm tired of thinking and worrying about his problem.
IÂm tired of reading, researching, buying books, finding counselors etc.
IÂm tired of wondering if the next book, program, counselor will make a difference and fix the problem.
IÂm tired of tip toeing over issues - afraid of an angry outburst.
IÂm tired of wanting to talk about it with him, but afraid he will turn it into me accusing him of being dishonest when all I want is someone to talk to.
IÂm tired of keeping the secret from family and friends.
IÂm tired of dishonesty and secretiveness.
IÂm tired of being jealous because I have such big void.
IÂm tired of being accused of being jealous by him instead of empathy as to why that might be.
IÂm tired of not being able to trust the man I married.
IÂm tired of him thinking he is strong enough to tackle this problem alone because he has been successful in other areas of his life.
IÂm tired of being accused of not believing in him and what he can accomplish.
IÂm tired of being accused of giving up on him.
IÂm tired of being accused (period.)
IÂm tired of being resentful that he did not reveal what I was getting at the alter.
IÂm tired of thinking that I spent 17 years wondering what was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough? Â Why does he not want to make love to me?
IÂm tired of hearing women complain that all their husbands want is sex, and wishing I was married to someone like that!
IÂm tired of being manipulated.
IÂm tired of wondering what others would think if we got divorced.
IÂm tired of being afraid to leave.
IÂm tired of not being celebrated as the beautiful, sexual woman that I am.
IÂm tired of not having the type of sex I crave.
IÂm tired of not being touched sexually the way I want to be touched.
IÂm tired of the big empty hole inside not being filled with passion.
IÂm tired of wanting to talk dirty to the man I love only to be shuned if I do.
IÂm tired of not having close couple friends.
IÂm tired of wondering if all men have dirty secrets they hide from women.
IÂm tired of feeling guilty for wanting out because of the vows I took.
IÂm tired of wanting out and wanting to stay.
IÂm tired of being angry.
IÂm tired of feeling like IÂm drowning.
IÂm tired of not being able to be the mother, wife and women the I want to be.

It is not about you. It is his problem to acknowledge and fix. I blog with many women in this situation. It is becoming an epidemic in out society. The secret everyone is afraid to talk about.

Wishing you all peace of mind.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2007 at 10:03AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow to you barbarafl---your reply made me sad because of the 18 years and happy that it sounds like you two are on the road to recovery. That is great; it really is. I have known pretty much since the beginning that is has never been about me. I went from being this huge turn on to him to being someone he wasn't too interested in almost overnight and I am not at all exaggerating here. I didn't get it, but I was pretty sure it was his problem. I do, like you said , believe there are many different levels of addiction and am going to do some research myself on the addiction. What makes them want to reject the people they supposedly love? I think it is a lot about expectations and with porn there are no expectations from those extremely hot looking women. The ones that almost no woman can compete with. I have questioned whether there was a level of addiction with my husband. I think there is some. Not full blown in terms of affairs,etc. But I do think porn became/is a little too important and he has been in denial. I am very interested in what makes these men this way ...pushing away someone they could be intimate with on a very real level. Wanting just movies or pictures of someone they will never be able to touch. I have never heard of sexual anorexia. That is very interesting to me. Thanks for the information and best of luck to you and your husband. I have , a couple of months ago, decided to talk more about this issue to certain people who know my husband, and my husband knows it. When I would threaten it, he would say that our sex life is private and no one wants to hear about it. I needed him to know that I was dead serious. I told him that it was not OUR sex life and that it was him doing this stuff without me, independent of me, and lying about it. So, it was not MY private life. I ended up telling his brother things. He needed to know I was serious and not just calling his bluff. It seems, as far as I can tell, that he has stopped with the porn. I told him that it no longer works for us and I do not want it here in our life. (I used to enjoy it with him). I told him I didn't think he was someone who could really handle porn like some other people can, etc. I told him this was all going to come into the light. It is not me it is him. Did he look at it 24/7? NO. Did he spend a ton of money on porn. No. Did he lie and keep doing it while showing no interest in me. Yes. Did it cause problems in other areas of his life. Yes. Big areas of his life. Yes. So therefore, I concluded that he must have some sort of issue with porn because it was becoming destructive in his life in more ways than with just me and in spite of all of that he continued on with it. That is the sticking point........he continued on with it trying to convince me that it was not big deal when areas of his life were sh*t because of it. Unreal.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2007 at 6:47PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I googled sexless marrige which led me to this. I had to respond or should I say tell my story. How do I make this short. Well I met my husband in Nov 98, he was the most wonderful man I had ever met. He was supportive and caring not just for me but my 3 kids as well. Our sex life was great, about everyday, twice some days. This man even grilled steaks for us on New years eve that first year, so when I got off work I cam home to steak and wine and him. Anyway we have had a rocky relationship. We have lived together on and off over the years. In 2000 after not getting pregnant he even agreed to go thru the testing. Which came back low sperm count slow motility and something about the shape. We were told the chances were unlikely he would father a child. What a blow to both of us, but him especially since he had no children. Surprisingly in 3 months we were pregnant. I was numb, he cried tears of joy. Our son is now 6, my other kids are 18,16, and 12.
We finally did it right and got married May4,2007. Yes we are newlyweds. But you would never know that. We have not even "consumated" our marriage. We don't even sleep in bed together anymore. After only 4 months. He even went so far as to go to 3rd shift at work so as he put " I don't have to be around you cuz I can't stand to be around you".
The few times we have tried to have sex, he cannot maintain a erection. He has gotton mean to me. The absolute worst was him telling me I was the reason he couldn't get it up, that he had no problems having sex with Peggy while we were broke up, and that I am too damn fat, why would he want to have sex with me. This hurt so bad, I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him for over a week. I was completely broken,devastated. I have never received an apololgy, and probaly never will. He seems to think that since I am now his wife he is free to say whatever hurtful thing he chooses to towards me.
While we were broke up I also had someone else in my life, I had very strong feeling for him. We have remained friends, he is the only person I have told a little of what is going on. I mean who are you supposed to talk to/tell? I certainly am not telling my family, and its not exactly you want to bring up with all your friends.
In the last 6 weeks I have slept with my ex 3 times. He still tells me he loves me, gives me the closness I so desperately need. He calls me beautiful and sexy, will tell me I look nice or smell good. He even noticed I had a new purse! I'm not proud of the fact, or what I have done. I cannot stand the loneliness, yes I live in the same house as my husband, but I'm still alone. We don't even act like roomates at times, more like casual aquaintences. The pain is getting unbearable.
Hows this for messed up, I'm lying in bed with my friend, he asks me if he(my husband) touches me at all, when I begin to cry and tell him he won't touch me at all, he holds me kisses away my tears and tells me"I'm sorry baby, you are too precious and beautiful to be be treated that way, he's just wasting all this, he doesn't even deserve you."
My 12 yr old son asked me tonite why he doesn't kiss our hug you mom. He then went on to say I will never leave for work without telling my family good bye, and hugging my wife and planting a big one on her. All I could say was I hope you.
I don't know what to do. Reading the other stories made me cry, as I don't see any hope for my new marriage. So am I doomed to live out my life in a sexless marriage, never to be touched,held or kissed? I hope not, actually I know I will never stay permamently in a marriage like this. He won't get any help, go to any kind of marriage counseling. Why would he, the first step is admitting there is a problem. I cannot even say I know he loves me!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 5:24AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I've been thinking a lot about barbarafl's message; especially the part about my kids thinking they have a depressed and angry mom. I don't want them to think that. I also don't want them to think that this is what their marriage should look like. As it stands, my husband is taking an apartment nearby. He doesn't see this as a separation. He still doesn't think there's anything really wrong in our marriage. He just needs a break. :)
Something I keep reading on these posts and I do not understand is how someone who has such total disregard for your feelings and needs still ranks as your 'best friend', 'great husband' and so on. With no intimacy, I can't think of my husband as anything but a 'roommate who STILL doesn't do his share of the chores'. I miss the intimacy, both physical and emotional.
I've checked up on him for infidelity, internet stuff, etc. and found nothing. Most of the time he is just lying around the house so he could only be out when I'm at work. I am sure he pleasures himself because it's not so much work (did I mention how lazy he is?:)), but other than that, I think he really doesn't actually like sex. I have a very difficult time understanding that but I have also heard that some people don't like chocolate!
I guess our relationship will just fizzle out until it seems acceptable to start 'stepping out'. I really miss the intimacy and I feel totally ripped off.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 9:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I must say I thought it was years since my H was interested in sex... I gave up I am in my late 50's. He is in his early 60's he had prostate problems, ED etc. So I accepted the fact that this part of our lives was over.

Well it is almost Two years since I found out he was trying to meet women on the computer... He did he met a real kook.

He says nothing sexual ever took place. She said alot went on...

I told him to leave, that was too much for me to take.
We ended up back together... Guess what he gives me material things, is kinder then he was before, but still a sex less marriage.

Trying to forgive him gets very difficult at times. I want to move forward... I am a woman... I backed off of him because I thought it was akward for him... I didn't want to hurt him...

Look what I recieved in the end, Lies and deception... I will never know what truly went on... I wish I never would have found out. It caused me so much hurt.

I still can't understand why he can't even put any effort into our intimacy. I keep asking? and keep getting rejected.

The OW was a train wreck, he had so much more with me. I guess it was all about his ego. Kick him to the curb? We have been together so long.

My Love bank is empty... If you are young don't even deal with this...RUN.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 9:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


After reading over a lot of the posts, I noticed that most have a lot of difficulty accepting this situation. Some of us deal with it self destructively. If you can't motivate your partner to seek counseling, please go alone. We all need help with this.

The best coping advice I got was thru alanon. I know this program is utilized by people who struggle with family members who have addiction problems but it helped me. Why? Because, for the first time in my life I was able to realize that I cannot control anything or anyone. The best I can do is to learn how to control myself and my reactions to people and situations that are out of my control.

If we all had a "normal" partner then this probably would not be an issue. There would be other issues but when a couple has intimacy, the often times work together better as a team. I firmly believe that intimacy is a drive that is internal and that how you look, etc. has no affect on your partner's desire for intimacy. I also think that when you fight about it, it takes the light off the intimacy and onto you and your reactions to it. It gives your partner the advantage of casting you in a bad light and nothing changes. It will get worse because he/she now has an excuse.

Once you realize that you are powerless over your partner you are finally FREE. Free to make whatever decisions you need to. You are in the driver's seat, not him or her.

If you stay, let it be because it is in your best interests to do so. The decision should be made without emotions.

If you go, let it be about you and what you want.

Don't give your Power away.

Many have damaged emotions and damaged self esteem as a result of dealing with this. A knee jerk reaction is to go out and find someone to give you attention in the area of intimacy for self affirmation. I feel it is a bad idea. Leave first so you won't look like the bad guy.

Isn't it amazing that you have spent so much time angry and hurt over sex and then you go and have an EMA to affirm your sexuality and the sex you then have destroys your life? How twisted can it get?

Others might try becoming the refuser. It won't work. If someone refuses to let you eat and you try to get back at them by refusing to eat then what do you gain. You are starving. Why join in and starve yourself? It makes no sense. It is an immature game and you are playing into it.

The way I look at it, there are only two choices: l) Stay and learn to live with it without fighting or becoming self destructive and damaging your kids (if you have them) or; 2) Go and start a new life. Accept that you might have to struggle thru a divorce and loss of finances, upset kids and possibly not finding a new partner.

As I see it, you gotta figure out what you want and then proceed in a way that will make you happy. We can't change them. We have to change.

Good Luck!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 10:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't know if any of you have had the same experience. I truly don't know if I just have a cheating Husband or not...

Like I said before we haven't had a real sex life in years... Boom, then I found out he was on the computer looking for Women, and finding them too...

Also telling them how much he missed sex. I found the emails exchange he had going on with one real lunatic.

I was destroyed, all along he keep telling me he lost his ability to perform. Do to all the surgeries he has had...Prosate, etc... Medication...

When I contacted other woman she told me that had a great sex life together. Which I find hard to believe, it might have been her revenge on him...

We are trying to make our Marriage work. Compound this with the Affair crap. I have just felt like I can't turn him on anymore. The rejection, lack of intimacy can make you nuts.

It is one thing knowing that they might have lost these feeling altogether. Then find out there is a very strong possiblity, they can't perform with you.

She was older, fat, nothing to look at. I don't know...I am trying to move forward... But the rejection I deal with all the time. He tries with other things like I said in my other post. I am trying to forgive... this is difficult because he has decieved me.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 9:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can sympathize with this issue. About nine months ago during marital therapy (that my husband resisted and was unwilling to continue) it was sort of "uncovered" that he has something called a "Madonna/Whore Complex" regarding me and our sexual intimacy. Basically, it means that since I became a mother (3.5 yrs ago) he has had no interest in having sex with me. Still finds me attractive, but not interested in sex with me. Says that would feel dirty and wrong. But doesn't have a libido problem... What a mess. He has done nothing to rectify the "problem." Anyone else dealing with this?

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This is so informative. I thought when the lights were out and the kids where sleeping, Everyone was making mad passionate love.

What a dope I am. We ladies are really missing out on soo much. Especially when you get older, you don't have to worry about pregnacy, kids are out of the house. If you have kept yourself in good shape... Not only for your Husband for yourselves... It was your time to relax and enjoy.

I feel are Husbands are selfish, they choose not to satisfy their wives. They don't have to be ready willing and able we are looking for affection, (with some action) at times.

They are very self absorbed Woe is me... Thats what I hear from my Husband I lost my sex drive...Bull there are times when we women juggle life and still found time to satisfy our men... Come on it dosn't take a brain surgueon to make us climax once in a while, We can usually do this by ourselves. It is much more special knowing someone would love to do this for us.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 7:51PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have read my own posts I sound like a middle age horny old woman.

But the truth is when you have been with a man for so long, and he can touch your hand and you feel the attraction to him... That is great Why can't these guys see this... Even though you get older, you are still the same person inside...

Most of these guys should feel lucky we still want to be with them, after all the crap they put us through...

I look at men my age, no one really attracts my eye. My Husband is diffently not Brad Pitt, but he still can turn me on. If he would only put some effort in it.

You girls never forget you might get older but your desire is still there, this is the truth coming from this 58 old woman.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 8:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

So hurt

You have quite a dilemma on your hands. I can relate to some of your story. My husband too suffers from deppression.

Since he has accepted that diagnosis, it has been his been excuse for so many things...

His lack of sex drive, his surgeries, his ED, his cheating on me. As wives, and as mothers we are suppose to hold everything together... Why can't we flip once in a while, just for the sake of it...

I don't think we really are asking for to much, some tenderness and compassion. I have never been a nagging wife in my life. We make due on what we have. Sometimes life is better to us then others the ups and downs we roll with the punches ...

But for the life of me I can't understand any of my husbands behavior... I have stopped taking it personal. He has the problem just like your husband...

My advise to you is do what is right and only right for you and your children... If it is staying in your Marriage make yourself happy... I don't mean cheat, that is not me either. For me that would have happened a long time ago if that was in my personality...

Make your lives happy, life is too short and the kids grow up. Don't look back with any regrets.


    Bookmark   September 22, 2007 at 12:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for your comments, just-me. My therapist is reminding me that despite a diagnosis of manic depression, my husband is an adult and is making choices regarding his behavior. He chooses not to feel the emotions, he chooses not to work on resolving the sex problem, he chooses not to go to marital therapy, he chooses not to see a therapist for himself. Part of me feels concern for him, part of me feels sad, mad and frustrated, part of me holds on to a thread of hope that it won't always be this way, and part of me fantasizes about what life would be like if we got divorced. Marriage is work, yes, and shouldn't be something you don't have to think about, but I never ever expected to be in this situation. I honestly don't know why I am choosing to remain in this marriage. Maybe because despite the lack of a sex life, not every day is "bad?" I occassionally see glimpses of the "old" -- (my husband). I want my kids to grow up with both parents? But I want to be happily married, and I am not. VERY disappointed about that.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2007 at 10:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hello. As I read thru the posts, I feel the disappointment we all share. Life can be very disappointing, without there being a "cause" for all the misery. I think we are all at different stages of understanding of ourselves and life in general.

At some point in my journey I came to realize that I have little control over anything or anyone. There was a freedom in coming to terms with that. Most people, when they are younger believe that they can conquer/control most impediments. "We" might think that everyone thinks the way we do. One day, the realization comes that not everyone thinks the same way.

As far as our marriages are concerned, it might just be that we got together with a person who is the wrong "fit". Often times, couples live in marriages and conduct lives that are parallel in nature. They do things side by side but not together and it works for them. They found the right fit.
They don't need to get deep, feel madly in love or know every little tid bit about the other person. They come together in the romance department for a reason totally different than those of us that may want to feel completely alive, a part of, madly in love....etc. They might not even understand that something is missing. They don't even know that there is a something else.

The way we are is wrong to our partners just as they are wrong to us. They just don't want or need the same level of involvement. It is possibly a turn off. The more you push the harder they push back. They just don't "get" us.

All the other stuff that you agree upon and find in common may be in place but the intimacy needs are different. The desire or drive for togetherness is off kilter.

If you stay, you have to accept it or live a very unhappy life. One thing that has occurred to me is that the "refuser" may feel that your insistence upon intimacy is a form of aggression or abuse. It may not seem that way, but they have the right to say "no". They truly do have us between a rock and a hard place. They might be thinking "What the heck does he/she want?"

If you stay, you will lose your identity. All the inner beliefs about what it meant to you to share a life and identity with a mate who was suppose to love, cherish and share your life with will go up in smoke.

For you it will become nothing more than an illusion. Eventually, you will become just like the refuser except twisted around. However, you will not lose sight of the fact that there are couples who were able to sustain those endearing qualities and probably will quietly envy them.

What I'm trying to say is that you just can't change your partner. They do not understand what they are missing! They don't think anything is missing. They are happy at their "level" of sharing and intimacy. To them, they are normal and you are not. Our "issues" are their turn-off. Why do dogs hate cats?

I'm sorry that I posted such a negative statement but please consider some of the truths here and take it to heart.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 12:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I think your post is probably one of the most right on and intelligent ones I have read on the boards. I think you hit the nail on the head.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 9:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


There was a lot of sense in what you said. I am sure you are very correct in your thoughts. It just takes a while to fully accept these things. Whether you choose to stay and accept or go your separate still have to go through a grieving process sort of. Wouldn't you agree? Explain more what you mean by losing your identity and how you will become like the refuser except twisted around. Thanks.........

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 8:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Posted by used2bsexy (My Page) on Tue, Sep 25, 07 at 20:27

There was a lot of sense in what you said. I am sure you are very correct in your thoughts. It just takes a while to fully accept these things. Whether you choose to stay and accept or go your separate still have to go through a grieving process sort of. Wouldn't you agree? Explain more what you mean by losing your identity and how you will become like the refuser except twisted around. Thanks.........
I will offer my opinion. Remember, it is just one person's opinion. This is in as regards staying and learning to accept your spouse as he/she is:

Yes, you have to grieve because you are really grieving your own expectation and unmet needs. Our spouses really don't owe us that. It is a mutual undertaking with an ebb and flow. We might be mourning the deal we made in our heads. The other party might not even know that they were a part of the "deal".

I think that when the mourning process is over, we bury that part of our ideal. In order to do this, I would think that you would have to detach from that part of yourself as regards to your feelings and expectations about love and romance. You now realize that you do not have a willing partner to share in it. Perhaps they have a different kind of love map.

In order to emotionally survive in that kind of relationship the part of yourself as regards intimacy remains frozen and you settle for the scraps that are offered to you. Fundamentally, I think that these relationships might be mis-matched. If our spouses were married to someone else who was a better match, these differences would not be apparent and there would be no problems.

The reason why I think that you become somewhat "like" them is because it is a result of your reaction to the rejection and intimacy issues. It is twisted around because you are required to live in a way that is not natural to your own nature and make up.

To mitigate the effect that the situation has over you, you need to emotionally detach....similar to what they are inherently.

The above is what I think happens if you stay and change yourself in order not to end the marriage.

There are also other scenarios:

Others might find the situation intolerable, figure it out real quick and get out.

Others, might take longer to figure it out and then decide to take care of their needs outside of the marriage and not care what the outcome is or even maybe unconsciously do it so it will end.

Then there are those who will argue and fight, try all different kinds of ways to change their refusing partners.

I think all situations would be different depending on the personalities of the people involved.

Some posters brought up the issue of addiction to porn, etc. There parters refuse them but prefer the porn. I don't have to deal with that issue but have an opinion on it. I think the porn or maybe the partner engages in EMA's. Both of those situations require very little emotional output. They do nothing to sustain their relationship with it. When their EMA ends, they cast it off like an old shoe. They prefer that to a real, full, bonding to another human being. Also, their spouse might be repugged by it and not want to have intimacy with them as a result. Can you think of a better way to keep you away from them? Seems like the flip side to sexual anorexia.

As a reaction to all this stuff, the spouse on the receiving side of the refusal might chose to go out and take care of their intimacy needs elsewhere. They, too, might do this without a need for emotional connection and a sustained relationship.

In a way these poor unfortunates become the mirror of their refusing spouses.

What a tangled web it can become if you start to get all angry and emotional about it.

That is why I think that people in these circumstances need to work their issues out with a professional.

I hope that my thoughts about it are helpful but each person is unique and their needs are different.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 9:56PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Thanks for the clarification. Your post has made some very good points. These are some things you said that are really true and important to those of us in these situations:

To mitigate the effect that the situation has over you, you need to emotionally detach....similar to what they are inherently. (I think, even if you plan on leaving, emotional detachment--from that particular person--is a good idea. You then can move on easier?? Just a thought on my end)

Some posters brought up the issue of addiction to porn, etc. There parters refuse them but prefer the porn.
I think the porn or maybe the partner engages in EMA's. Both of those situations require very little emotional output.

In a way these poor unfortunates become the mirror of their refusing spouses.

What a tangled web it can become if you start to get all angry and emotional about it.

All I can say is very well said--- people should really listen to you--you seem very wise on this subject. Thanks so much.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 10:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Posted by used2bsexy (My Page) on Tue, Sep 25, 07 at 22:45


To mitigate the effect that the situation has over you, you need to emotionally detach....similar to what they are inherently. (I think, even if you plan on leaving, emotional detachment--from that particular person--is a good idea. You then can move on easier?? Just a thought on my end)

I wanted to clarify on the detachment part. You mentioned, above, that you can detach while you still make plans to leave. I don't think that would be true "detachment". Possibly more akin to "placing the issue on the back burner" until you can make your escape.

I don't understand or maybe can't properly explain what "detachment" is. You would probably have to keep working towards it as a goal.

I think the underlying message of detachment would be giving up the Power that your predicament holds over you. Letting go of it so it can't control you anymore. It would also allow for your spouse to be the person who they are and to accept it. You may not "like" the way they relate to you intimately, but you still can relate to them with love. The message is that each person is here to follow their own destiny. As in AA or Alanon, it is between them and their HP (higher power) just as it is with us. When we interfere, we are not allowing the other person their autonomy. They have lessons to learn just as we do. This might sound a little preachy but it is the medium by which detachment is expressed. Each person might want to improvise on it and find their own style. I can't totally do it that way but I kind of use it as a measure.

It is a conscious decision to live day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute....There will be good days and bad ones. You might return to ground zero but then you start making baby steps again. You are not waiting for the moment to flee. Although, you can leave when you decide that you want to. It is about Freedom. Your freedom to stay or to go. Both are equally good as long as you are at peace either way. Example: You are not staying just so you can change him or her, or to make them feel bad about themselves, etc. Example: You are not leaving them just to prove to them that you can attract another person, or to force them to pay alimony and other stuff. It is just that you are deciding not to let it control you.

I must admit, though, that I wonder if a person can separate themselves from their sexuality without it changing them. You are, in essence, deciding not to be a proactive sexual being and allowing circumstances to dictate to you. There are flaws in the detachment theory.

I would also venture to guess that many people might need some counseling if they were to decide to depart and seek out a new relationship.

I would imagine, harm has surely been done and many would not feel the same about themselves as they would have had it not occurred.

Each person will experience it differently. Some might manage for a very long time, at peace, and then they grow to a different level. They then might desire to change and want to leave. They have "outgrown" it. There is no way to know when, if or how it will happen or may never happen.

The point is, each person is different and there is no one right or correct way so there is no judgment of good or bad whatever decision is made. In the final analysis it is really just about doing what is best for you at the given time.

It is about individual progress, growth and a certain spirituality. What you might have experienced as a loss might very well wind up in the end to be a journey that you never would have travelled bringing with it new insights and personal power that you would never have achieved otherwise.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 12:48AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I understand what you meant about detachment. I think it is critical to the acceptance and moving on ----no matter what moving on means to you. It might mean moving on in the relationship and looking for the good while realizing that you will never have the intimacy that you truly want and, let's face it, deserve. You can stay and accept. It might mean to again realize that you can not change that person; they are who they are and it has little or nothing to do with you. It is not anything you can stay in forever. You can not accept the lack of intimacy in your life, but you can accept that this particular person can not for whatever reason give it to you. You can leave knowing that there is nothing you can do to make them see, change, and compromise. You can let go of blaming yourself and let go of possibly some bitterness toward them. It is freeing either way. I don't really see it as putting it on the back burner until you make your escape. In either case it is sort of a death of dreams, hopes, etc. You have to accept before you can move on in either way. I still say in either case there has to be detachment going on on some level. Maybe I am not making sense??? Maybe you disagree with me. You seem so accepting of your situation--which isn't bad--especially if he is a good guy. If he is great in other ways it certainly would be easier to choose to stay. There is so much freedom is giving up the power that the situation has over you. Let them be who they are and in the same token you (or whoever) should be who you are and what happens as a result happens. There really is nothing else you can do. In a normal situation couples would compromise. There really is no compromising in these circumstances. Ever. I believe it is sometimes very much about them controlling us. Maybe not in every situation though. I say ---good luck to all of us no matter what choice we make!

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 9:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi used2besexy-

Yes, you are correct. As far as detachment goes, each person has their own style as they reach towards it.

If a person stays and decides to accept it and detach, then they are not thinking about leaving. They are learning to live without the desired quality/quantity of intimacy. I would also think there would be bad days when you might fall back, emotions might be triggered and they would have to start working on it again. However, they would still be maintaining the stance of accepting it. Imagine, for a moment, that you lost a leg (G_d forbid). You would have to learn to walk again. It would be different but you would try to work hard to regain your freedom. Your leg would be gone but you would learn to accept it.

Sometimes it might seem that "they" are controlling us. The refuser knows that the spouse has feelings. They are also aware that they either can't or refuse to meet those needs. They pre-empt you by being negative toward you to take the light off of them. It seems only natural, maybe?

Some might decide to detach, wait it out (with or without the hope of change) and then leave when they feel the time is right for them.

Sometimes, I think, that it might be worse if you are married and life is good in general. That might be why a person decides to stay. In a way, they are not finding out who they truly are because many potential partners out in the world might not measure up to their expectations in those areas.

It is a rather complex issue and each person has to weigh all the variables good and bad as regards their decisions. A decision, at any given time, is not final unless your decide to divorce. You can always change your mind later if circumstances allow for it.

Got to keep your "head" on straight when making decisions like this one.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 11:03PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ok, as I read all your story's I realize there are alot of men out there not interested in sex or so we think. When I met my husband almost 11 years ago we couldn't get enough o each other. We got married almost 2 years later. I moved 1400 miles away from my family. Then it started. Les and less sex. He first told me to stop groping him. He stopped making a move one me anymore. So I would on him. You know I now realize how a man feels to be rejected. It hurts so bad inside. I have to tell you. If you are having problems you need to seek help. My husband doesn't want help. I believe he only makes love to me now to get it over so I don't bug him. You would not believe the things I have done thinking it would help him want me. I have had a tummy tuck, lipo, eye lift. Work out 4 time a week Yes I look great for my age, but still doesn't work. I can't enjoy it when I am thinking he is only doing this yo get it over for next week or two or three. It is the same thing every time. Reached for me. Pulls me to him kisses me a few times. Hugs me and then we do it. He gets off on it. But I can't thinking he's only doing it to get it over. And of course I lie and tell him it was great. But the one thing in our lives is my Husband had been going on internet and getting off on it. I think he still is, but can't prove it. I think he would rather masturbate then have sex. And it kills me inside. I try to block it. But I just want him to want me. I think all You women know what I am saying. My self esteem has been so low from all this.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 3:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

adding to what I just wrote. My Husband is a wonderful husband in everyway. And I love him so much. It is just the sex is lacking.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2007 at 3:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I found this post and felt like I needed to tell my story. I have only been married for a year and this last year has been without much sex. In the beginning we were very intimate with each other but now he is distant and does not want to touch me. I think it is in part to his childhood and having two alcoholic parents. He seems to have pushed me away to protect himself from me. Maybe in the beginning it was less threatening and there was not as much risk. He does seem to be very controlling and I only let him initiate sex because of all the rejection that I have felt. It just rarely gets initiated. I got out of a three year relationship before my husband that was very sexual. I have now started to resent him and feel like I am shutting him out to protect myself from anymore hurt. It really does not work at times but sometimes it does help if you yourself stop caring. He has been taking antidepressents for about 1 1/2 years now. He has switched 3 times but that has not helped either. I did get him to see a counseler last week and he is going again which is a good sign. I know that he loves me but I don't know if I can live without any intamicy or romance. It is as if we are brother and sister. I have also seen a counseler and it has helped me understand him better. Reading a book about adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) helped and seemed to spell out our entire relationship. Being close and wonderful at first and then the push away and the closing me out. I just don't think I can live this way forever. I can only hold on and try not to resent him so much. I feel better knowing there are others out there feeling some of the same things I am.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2007 at 11:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You hear all the time from Men that the women in their life never want sex. But you never hear much about the men not wanting sex. I think it is because men want people (women) to think they are these sex machines. And when we first meet these guys it's like they can't get enough of u. But once they have u, it starts slacking off a little at time. Them giving you different reasons. But never facing the truth. Then not realizing just how much they are hurting the women they are with, by not being interested in sex.It has been hard for me though the years. I try to block it out. I have a very low self esteem. You know what is weird. In my first marriage my self esteem was knocked down to nothing. I was beaten and verbal abused. My husband now when we met made me feel so good. We had sex all the time. Told me he could believe how beautiful I was. He told me he couldn't believe I wanted him. He built my self esteem back up. I felt so good about myself. But now this. I never thought our sex life would change. When he asked me to marry him , I even asked is our sex life going to change. Because I need that. He told me only if I wanted it too. Well, that was so untrue. My self esteem has hit the floor(so to put it). I look in the mirror and notice all these things wrong. Maybe if I skinnier, pettier, etc.. And I have done so much to my body thinking he would want me more. I know some of the things Have made me look better. But there is one thing I wish I hadn't done. I had gotten a breast reduction, thinking if they were smalled I would look smaller, more pa portioned. Ya I do. But I had nice breast before (DDD). And now it seems because of what I did is just another reason not to touch me. If I had the money I would get implants. Not for him this time. For me to be back like I was. SO PLEASE remember , take it from me. No mater what you do. Don't do it because You think he will want you more. DO it for You!! Because it didn't make a difference here. I lay there next to him and cry. Just wanting him to reach for me and really wanting me. Wanting him to want me like when we met. But I just lay there and cry myself to sleep and dream of how it was. And I too have thought about having sex with someone else. But I think the guilt would eat me up inside.Because I love my husband with all my heart. He is a good man and I know he loves me. I really think he would rather masturbate. This way there isn't the pressure of have to worry about pleasing another person. It has been 4 weeks since we last had sex. And I know if I don't ask for it(feel I am begging)He wouldn't have it with me. I feel really low of myself to have to ask. I just want to be wanted sexually by the man I love.....

    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 12:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

mmm, that sounds so bad.married and living without sex for the rest of your life is must be boring and unexiting.

try to talk about it more open. explain how its bothered you the things...

    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 3:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

wanttofeelthelove -

Hi there! Seems like you are in good company. There is a boatfull of us in the same situation.

I posted a number of times on threads concerning the same issue.

Well, daaarling.... all you can do is start taking care of yourself and try to figure out how to feel good otherwise.

DH is stuck in his own rut and he owns it not you. To start with, don't take it personal. As a woman, I guess it is more about feeling rejected and not really about "sex". As far as going out to get it, why bother? Anyone can do that! When it is all over, you will only feel bad about yourself and your self esteem will take another hit.

As you can see from the posts, there are a bunch of us dealing with this.

Remember that you are not responsible for it. Start there and maybe try talking it out with a professional. It can help you to find a starting point for gaining a measure of control over your emotions.

Wish you all the Best!

    Bookmark   October 27, 2007 at 10:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well...I hear *SOON*, we shall do it *SOON*....1x in almost 6 years and 20 years into a Marriage and maybe 100x over all those years? Darlin' it ain't gonna get any better. Take it from me, they do not change and all the counseling in the world hasn't helped, it is HIM. I do not want to spend the rest of my life without love, affection, kissing, holding hands or hugs. I am hurt, as I feel robbed of precious time and emotional bonding I prayed would be there over time, that maybe it would surface, it hasn't. I am stuck, there are so many legal issues that get involved with all this crap, property, kids etc. It is easy to get Married,not easy to Divorce (and much more costly) best to you.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2007 at 10:58AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yearning for His Touch

My head laying softly on the pillow..
I stare over in the darkness..
Yearning for the man I married to want me
Tears fill my eyes as another night gos by with our his touch or reach..
What is wrong here..
A sex that seemed once so great
My thoughts go wild : he has no desire for me anymore
I hurts so bad inside.
Him touching me only to get it over now.
As my thoughts so believe

Husband not interested..
Is there another woman
Or does he enjoy pleasing himself only..
Or sex is not of interest to him anymore
Other things go though my head..
My thoughts so many..
As I hurt inside..

If only I looked better..
Was skinnier
Looked younger..
Dressed better..
Will this help
Or could it be the way I act..
Am I a turn off
I just dont know ..
My thought go on..

What is really going on..
Do I go on like this..
DO I just keep letting it go..
Can Imy thoughts so wild

When you choose to marry someone, sex is a very big part of a marriage. If you do not share the same feeling about sex with your spouse or significant other ..It gets hard, especially when you are unable to talk about it, or wont. Someone is going to get hurt. Get help if you really love each other and want your marriage to work..

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 1:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My question to you is: Is your husband gettting up early to go and have cybersex over the net? If he is, your marriage is in deep trouble.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2008 at 5:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My wife says I bug her too much.. but we do have a one year old and a three year old and she just had a hysterectomy 3 mos ago. One thing that can kill sex drive is Diabetes. I have always been willing and ready up until 3 years ago - it seemed like weeks went by and I just was not interested in sex, very out of character for me. So I went to my doctor and he found out I had higher than normal blood sugar and low testosterone ( Basically borderline Diabetic) - He sent me to a blood specialist who said that the high blood sugar was destroying my testosterone. You only need a mild blood sugar increase to cause this - Once on Metforomin a diabetic drug Mr happy came back out and wanted to play for endless hours. Smoking can have a very negative impact on Diabetics. Get your husband to have a good blood workup. Rule out the Biology first. Get some counseling through an MD that can prescribe drugs and refer your husband to a specialist this way your husband will get the help he needs.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2008 at 12:08PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

wow, i fit into all of the above categories. I have been married for 14 years. We had a great sex life up until about 3 years ago. It just left. I found that he had been using social drugs and now that he is not, he is depressed half the time. He is on antidepressants and sees as mental health provider but our sex life is nonexistestant. We have 4 sons only 1 still at home,. he is 14. I am not fat, ugly, depressed, lacking self esteem. I work out cook and try to be a loving partner, but a girl has needs. I struggle daily on how we can make it until at least my baby leaves for college. I know I want to be with someone that wants to be with me physically. My husband went on night shift to hide from me. I had no idea others where going thru this same issue. I am taking it a day at a time. He is trying to do better. All I am asking for is 1 time a week 15 minutes. An hour a month in total not too much to ask. Wow.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2008 at 9:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm a husband and I won't give my wife love , sex or intimacy. I think all that is boring,to much work and very distastful habit. I'm not gay or into porn its just all the touching that is involved. I hate being touched makes me break out in a cold sweat and I shake. Seeing a shink and she has me on meds and a weekly talk! It hasn't done any good I'll probably stop shortly. I enjoy my life but my wife hates her life, but thats something she'll have to deal with. I won't get involved with her problems

    Bookmark   January 4, 2011 at 2:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Troll. Mark, Mike, whomever.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2011 at 4:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I've been dating my man for 1 year and ever since the beginning he hasn't been that interested in sex. I mean he likes it, so he says, but we don't have sex as often as I would like. We have sex at least once a week because he knows I want it, sometimes twice, because he knows I want it. But the first time is the best because it's the most that he's interested in it, but after that, it dwindles down. And it's like I have to get mad before he "gives it to me" and I'm always hoping and wondering "when,when,when???" Why are some men not interested??!! I mean I know we have to talk about it more because the only thing he says is I can't do it that much..... I don't know if that means he "Can't" or doesn't want to??? What should I do, besides talk to him a little more?? What can I do to help him want to be more sexual??? Help!!!

    Bookmark   January 9, 2011 at 9:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Men have been dealing with this in women since the beginning of an extent that, among civilized societies with written languages, the circumstance has become culturally iconic. And our attempts at changing it have nearly always been greeted with annoyance, defensiveness, and accusation punctuated by vanishingly few instances of "sexual awakening."

Men are frequently told not to worry about this because "all that will come naturally" once we're married. Trouble is, it usually doesn't. In the vast majority of cases it stays the way it was. Some people really like sex; some like it only a little; some don't care for it much; some hate it. If one spouse really likes it and the other doesn't care for it much, there's going to be trouble.

What I'm saying to you is that he isn't going to change. And you don't get to know why. Nor are you entitled to beat him up over it. This is part of who he is. If this characteristic is important to you in a SO or mate and he doesn't possess it you need to move along.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2011 at 9:16AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi everyone, I'm new here and need desperate help... Let me explain my story...

My husband and I got married April 10, 2009... going on two years next month... I'm 20, and he's 22. When we first met our sex life was great, everyday almost (of course after getting to know each other well, maybe a month after we met). We were crazy about each other... we got married shortly after we started dating (he was in the military at the time). Our sex life was still going strong for while... then he started dying down. He would just act like sex wouldn't even cross his mind at all! I've never, EVER had an issue with attracting guys of any age before I met him... so I didn't know what was wrong... when I confronted him about this, he got kind of hostile and said "It's not you, I've just never been into sex that much, it's just not me". He told me about how he got molested by his step uncle when he was young, and how it haunts him when he's with me (he's gotten help with that by the way, since then and even while we've been married) and it hurts me that he puts that between us because I've had a very... well interesting past and I don't put that between us, and it hurts me a lot... but he's more important than something I couldn't control.

He had mentioned to his mom that I was upset about this... of course she tells him "Sex isn't the only way to show someone you love them, it's not the most important thing in a marriage"... well she's now divorced and had a rocky marriage since I've known her. Good advice to give your son, instead of asking why he feels like he doesn't want that in a marriage.
He can talk openly with his mom, just like I can with mine.
Out of all the things I knew about him before I did marry him (to people's shock, we did get to know each other very well) I never would of guessed he just wasn't that into sex and never has been. I guess I should of figured because he had a girlfriend through high school that he never did anything sexual with... and had only had sex once before me... but for like 2 minutes. I just figured, he had respect for his body and it was something I loved about him... no, it's not the respect part... it's his issue with not wanting it. It's why his last girlfriend before me, left him.

Me on the other hand, I'm a very sexual person... very. It's a HUGE part of my life and I feel it plays a big role in a marriage... I love him very much and I WANT him!

It got better for a good while, we were having sex at least 1-2 a week which was fine with me, I could handle that be happy about it. It's like this, it will be great for quite a while, then die down for little while. It just feels like a mind game, like he's just doing it for me... which makes me feel even worse!!!
Now it's back where it was again. In the past 2 months, I've had sex with my husband twice. I didn't pay too much mind to it, because I had actually thought I was pregnant from one of those times and we've been busy with that stuff... but I'm not pregnant (kinda glad I'm not! maybe there's reason I havent been since we've been married). But now that my mind is free of that possibility of me having a baby... I'm wondering why he's just not interested in it. Outside of sex, we're a happy couple, we cuddle all the time, we kiss all the time, hug, even TOUCH each other down there on a daily basis. But nothing happens... I'm so tired of initiating sex, I've never had to in my life before him...... and it really hurts me.

So last night I brought it up again, and he just said "I haven't been feeling too great this past month, I dont know why I'm not into it... I'm just not. But I do love you and want you"... I just busted into tears because what a typical response to pretty much shove me away. I asked him if he was gay, because there's been times where I've questioned this because of how low his sex drive is... he got all hostile with me and denied it. Theres a lot of gay men in straight relationships and the wife never finds out they are gay... so it really worries me!
I've never found anything weird on his computer or anything... when we have watched porn to make it a little more fun, he's always been the most turned on with a woman pleasing herself, rather than a man and woman... so that kind of makes me think... well obviously he's not... but then he acts like this and I don't know what else it could be!!!

Also, we both think he's got low testosterone. He is 22 and he has no beard at all... it grows in light patches on his chin. He has gained weight and a lot of it has gone to his chest/breasts. He's tired all the time and gets moody randomly (like me when I'm pmsing). Also, we've had unprotected sex for over 2 years.... and I'm not pregnant still... so I'm not sure if he's always had this issue and it's caused him to have a low sex drive. In a way, I'm kind of happy about that because I really don't want to imagine how it's going to be when we do have kids... probably no sex at all!

I just don't know what to do. I'm being deprived of a very natural thing in my life that I need.

When I got done talking to him about this last night, he kinda just sat there because he said he already told me what the problem was (that he hasn't been feeling great and he's not a very sexual person). I just sat there in tears, staring straight ahead. He sit there in silence for like 10 minutes, then says all depressed "I'm going to get around for bed, I have to work in the morning". Then that was it.
I am literally so mad at him, he's done really dumb things since we've been married (nothing serious, but it's caused a lot of friction) and I've dealt with it and have worked it out with him and kept my patience... now this... and now I don't even know if he'll ever be able to give me my dream, me becoming a mom someday.
All at the same time of me loving him to death! :(

What do I do? I need sex in my life, I'm 20 years old... I don't want to look back and say "what a big waste of time, I should of been enjoying that before I had kids" when I'm 40 years old... I definitely won't sleep with someone else, I'd definitely end our marriage before then... I couldn't handle that guilt... but I feel tempted because he's hurt me so bad with this... that I feel that would be the only way to show him the same pain I feel.
I'm at loss!

    Bookmark   March 8, 2011 at 10:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"...we got married shortly after we started dating..."

Ooops. Bad plan.

"I'm being deprived of a very natural thing in my life that I need."


"All at the same time of me loving him to death! :("

As almost anyone will tell you, "love" isn't enough.

Reiterating what I said above: This is part of who he is. If this characteristic is important to you in a SO or mate and he doesn't possess it you need to move along.

"....he got kind of hostile and said "It's not you, I've just never been into sex that much, it's just not me". He told me about how he got molested by his step uncle when he was young, and how it haunts him when he's with me..."

That, my dear, is the tip of iceberg. There's tons more that he's not telling you. If you want to hang around and help him work through his issues with the hope of normalization at some point, well....that's up to you. However, from what you've written, I strongly suspect he's damaged goods and I'd advise cutting your losses. You're young and the world is full of viable husband/father candidates.

Every good wish to you regardless of what you decide.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2011 at 6:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Thanks for your input. I just don't know what I should do really. Like I said, outside of these periods of times (when he suddenly isn't interested) things are great. This has happened twice since we've been married... where we'll be making love around twice a week, then a dry spell for a month or so. I dont know how to feel about it because I dont want this continuing. It me last time and it's hurting me this time.

I guess I'm so worried that if I do leave, I'll never have what I want... a family.
I worry I won't meet anyone else ever, and if I do, that I'll be stuck on my husband now and it'll cause problems and not get better. That I'd be paranoid with the new man... I have an issue with grudges and constantly dwell on my past, in my mind.

I feel stuck! I don't want to leave because I AM happy with him, but I dont want things to be like this over and over.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2011 at 7:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I've never, EVER had an issue with attracting guys of any age before I met him..."

Then, again, you said.......

"I worry I won't meet anyone else ever...."

"I'd be paranoid with the new man... I have an issue with grudges and constantly dwell on my past, in my mind."

Sounds to me like you're pretty screwed up, too. Pretty muddled point of view.

Look, you're 20 years old. You think you have a clue but you obviously don't. You're wallowing in little-girl mental travesties that seem to have no end and no solution. Your life isn't turning out like you imagined it. Sorry for that, but welcome to the world.

Suggest getting your head straight about it. Stay or go. You have a decision to make. Hopes and fantasies don't count. It is what it is. I know you don't like it. Nonetheless it is entirely yours to deal with with. And it will involve a decision. Look, examine, evaluate, decide....then act or refrain from acting. Just understand it's yours. Sympathy from others won't solve your problem or launch your life. It's entirely yours.

For heaven's sake don't get pregnant....please. You've described a very common circumstance with a very common that requires other people -- parents and taxpayers, typically -- to step up and handle. Please don't take us there. Enough.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2011 at 10:35PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I'm sorry, did I some how offend you??? If I didn't tell my age, would that have gotten a totally different response and maybe some respect?

Before you go to judge my income and maturity level... maybe you should know that I give a lot to my country and to taxes. I deploy for more than a year sometimes, at the last minute... I never see my family because my job requires me to get permission to leave the 300 miles radius of my base, rarely I get that approved because my job is needed and I'm doing it for 4 different people. I have a lot of stress in my life and still, I don't disrespect others or make assumptions on people I don't know. I have a feeling of what you're issue is... but I'm not going to stoop to that level.

I came here for advice... regardless of my age, I should of received that just like everyone else... with care. Not with a terrible attitude and tacky response.

You just made yourself look bad, specially when a 20 year old "little-girl mentality" just handled such a rude response with maturity and dignity.

God watches people, and I hope you're satisfied with trying to attack me personally at such a vulnerable time. Thank you anyways for your odd way of trying to help or make matters worse.
Won't be coming back here, so don't worry! Might be contacting an admin though! Some people are much more sensitive and someone's life could be in your hands by what you say to people online.

Best wishes to everyone else!

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 4:00AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

All I know is what you wrote. I responded to it.

"Might be contacting an admin though!"

Oh! Absolutely do that! Write your congressman, too!

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 9:10AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OP - asolo was just responding to what you wrote...and I shared those opinions. You wrote "I guess I'm so worried that if I do leave, I'll never have what I want... a family"...this is a very dangerous opinion to have at any age, but at 20, it's simply ridiculous. My daughter is 13....I hope she spends her 20s getting an education, enjoying life, and really getting to know herself and what it's all about, rather than rushing to settle down. You've got all the time in the world, don't mess it up by having a kid with someone you aren't sure about.

BTW - asolo is a well-respected person around here and always has great opinions and are obviously a little too immature to realize that the advice given was trying to help you, not cut you down.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 9:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry Z, I have to agree with the others.

Ditch the guy, whatever you do don't get pregnant. You'll find someone else. Everyone has issues, but these sound pretty big to me.

You're young. You have a lot of life and growing up to do. We all thought we were totally grown up and in control at 20. Now in my mid-30's I realize I'm still not grown up.

"having a family" is one thing. That's pretty easy. All you have to do is marry someone and get pregnant. Heck, you don't even need to marry. And really, you don't even need to get pregnant.

What's harder is creating the kind of family YOU want to live with for the rest of your life. And that's the difference between a 20 year old mentality and that of a 30 year old who got married and had a baby with someone who I didn't think was right but was too afraid to stop the car and get out. (let alone insist on driving!)

Take it from me. THINK about this carefully. CONSIDER your options. REMEMBER that you only get one shot... after you have a baby EVERYTHING changes.

Enjoy the next ten years. Develop into the best "you" you can be. You'll find a strong husband. You'll have a good family.

This isn't the right way.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 1:03PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can see why op thought asolo was rude,like silver said ,we all thought we were grown up at twenty,so although i totally agree with asolo,a twenty year old wont,I dont think any advice at that age will be heard. Its a a case of living,making your mistakes, and learning from them.
Id love to see what happens in a few years time,op will be in a totally different place.although she does sound quite mature for her age .Maturity comes froms life experience ,not a age number.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2011 at 4:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow,I definetly dont feel alone after reading everyone's thoughts on this.I am 33 years old, and I am to the point where I am very frustrated with my marraige and my husband. I have been married for three years, my husband has no desire in making love to me, or correcting the problem. He tells me he is going to make things better, but it never happens...instead, he prefers to drink his beer every night and go to bed. I have tried to get him to stop drinking, but he is an alcoholic..and it just made things worse, so I gave up. I am so fed up, but I do love him. I am not a cheater, so I have asked myself many times...Do I just need to go ahead and get out? I know three years isnt a long time compared to some of you ladies, but I feel the same way as yall when it comes to the pain and anger. I have cried many times because I feel I am not pretty enough, good enough exct. He had a great sex life with his ex wife...and she is anything but what I am. I have constantly tried to talk to him about it, we have tried the counseling thing, books, lingire, ext. In my past relationship, I was used to being one over, and made love to, but my husband cant even touch me...Uggggh. Im really to young to have to deal with this crap, but I dont want to leave because I love him, and I dont look forward to the pain I will have to go through when I do leave.....This isnt fair. I have tried to just take care of me, and play all the little mind games, but you guys see where it got me. He is laying next to me sleeping, and Im posting in a forum for women with this problem.....I feel sorry for all of us. After all we do for them,you would think that they could give us a little of their time. Geeze. Any more advice on how to deal with this? I have enjoyed reading some of the other posts.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2012 at 11:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm in the same boat. Married 5 years. Amazing husband in every other way, seriously. Sex about every 6 months. Been in plenty of therapy together where he gladly went, but shrugged his shoulders without answers or ideas. However,he admitted in therapy he has never climaxed with me. That was a shocker. Men faking it? My therapist said for whatever reason that he doesn't climax, why would he continue to spend 5 more years having sex while his brain subconsciously tells him there is no payoff to all that work in bed. It may seem like a chore to him. No payoff. Sex doesn't affect his self esteem like mine. Not having sex to him is a relief. He masturbates, instant payoff. Makes sense to me. We can't come up with an answer to his inability to climax or even be hopeful he'll climax, but my therapist asked me if there was no sex ever, not ever again, would I stay married...I automatically said yes. A no brainer, a solid yes. It's as if he was in some horrible accident and he became physically unable, would I stay in a sex-less marriage...a solid yes again. I'm pretty miserable, I get angry, sad, feel rejected, but it could be worse, I could be alone, single, and not married to an amazing human being. It still sucks though.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 9:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

>That was a shocker. Men faking it?

Common. Especially as the years pile up.

But since he's fine when he's on his own, his body still works, so at least theoretically it can with you as well. He can try getting himself close to the edge just before getting with you which can ease things considerably, or maybe you could try something like a WeVibe and see if it does the trick for him (and doesn't bother you), or you could just try high-viscosity lubes and maybe the added friction will do the trick.

But if the issue is that he's not comfortable being close with you on a psychological level (which your "instant payoff" comment seems to indicate), that's a whole 'nother thing altogether.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2013 at 3:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am at the point of walking away too. I am 33 my hubby is 42. This is my second marriage and my hubbys first, I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage and we have a daughter together. I can't stand to cry my self to sleep another night. I am feeling some comfort in finding I am not alone, but my self esteem is non- existent. We last had sex or any form of intimacy 2 months ago, and like many on here it was pity sex to stop me from asking why?!
I have asked so many times why?! Only to get a reply like I am tired or we never have time!
In the past I have arranged for a babysitter so we were alone and all he wants to do is tidy the house. There is no intimacy at all. I have asked his friends what he was like before me and apparently he was a player?! I can't see how though.
I just don't know how to tell him I am leaving x

    Bookmark   November 15, 2013 at 8:24AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am at the point of walking away too. I am 33 my hubby is 42. This is my second marriage and my hubbys first, I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage and we have a daughter together. I can't stand to cry my self to sleep another night. I am feeling some comfort in finding I am not alone, but my self esteem is non- existent. We last had sex or any form of intimacy 2 months ago, and like many on here it was pity sex to stop me from asking why?!
I have asked so many times why?! Only to get a reply like I am tired or we never have time!
In the past I have arranged for a babysitter so we were alone and all he wants to do is tidy the house. There is no intimacy at all. I have asked his friends what he was like before me and apparently he was a player?! I can't see how though.
I just don't know how to tell him I am leaving x

    Bookmark   November 15, 2013 at 8:27AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???
We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are...
Husband treats me like crap! How do i stop it?
My Husband and I have been married for almost 5 years....
Age Difference
I posted this on the Parents Forum but it was suggested...
Fed up and frustrated
I feel very frustrated and fed up with my marriage....
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated
Hi, I am really grateful for finding this forum. I...
Sponsored Products
Home Decorators Indoor/Outdoor Area Rug: Home Decorators Collection Rugs Estate
Home Depot
Chick Chat Wall Plaque - 1166
$35.99 | Hayneedle
Double Glass Shaded Table Lamp
$650.00 | Bellacor
Carlton Harbor Gray Paint Shaker Kitchen Cabinet Sample
CliqStudios Cabinets
Home Decorators Indoor/Outdoor Jute Area Rug: Home Decorators Collection Rugs
Home Depot
Select Luxury Reversible 6-inch White Bunk Bed Twin-size Foam Mattress (Pack of
Gervin Leather Loveseat - Brighton Soul White White
Joybird Furniture
Christopher Knight Home Cliff Circular Outdoor Cast and Wicker 5-piece Set
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™