'kissing is for high school'

wonderingwandererOctober 4, 2008

My husband of 11 years recently told me that he doesn't kiss me any more because "kissing is for high school, because you aren't going to get any."

Is this viewpoint common? Do you still kiss your wife/husband beyond a peck on your way out the door?

Am I unreasonable to want to kiss at least when we have sex (maybe 3x/month)? We are in our mid 40s, just two years apart in age.

Thank you for sharing your insights.

WW

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colleenoz

Wow, your husband has some very juvenile attitudes to sex.
No, you're not unreasonable. That's what most people do.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2008 at 11:00PM
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Karen_sl

No you are not unreasonable. Your hubby needs to learn what intamacy means.
And yes we still kiss...and hug tight.
And its not always for sex, just closeness.
We have been married for 28 years and are 50 and 52.
Karen L

    Bookmark   October 5, 2008 at 12:15AM
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nancylouise_gw

Sorry, kissing is not just for high school. Kissing and hugging is for whenever you want to. My husband and I kiss and hug frequently because we enjoy it and love each other. It's not just when you are making love or for high schoolers. Is your husband loosing his sex drive? Has he talked to a doctor about it? Not wanting to kiss your wife is not normal. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   October 5, 2008 at 8:04AM
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Karen_sl

And sex just 3 x a month! That is so sorry...

    Bookmark   October 5, 2008 at 9:02PM
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tracystoke

my ex partner said the same to me,i told him i needed kisses,hugs,affection,not just when he wanted sex,he told me thats just for teenagers and i was being stupid,but then he was the most selfish nasty man you could wish to meet.thats why hes now my ex.I think kissing is wonderfull and you are not unreasonable atall,just grab him and snog him he may find he enjoys it.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2008 at 8:47AM
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silversword

"Do you still kiss your wife/husband beyond a peck on your way out the door?"

Yes, we kiss often, sometimes just a peck on the cheek, sometimes on the lips, sometimes full out "teenage" kissing. But often. Several times a day.

"Am I unreasonable to want to kiss at least when we have sex (maybe 3x/month)?"

Your sex life is yours. It's not unreasonable unless you're hurting someone. I like kissing, and it makes sex more intimate in my opinion.

Has he always felt this way? If not when did it change?

    Bookmark   October 6, 2008 at 9:52AM
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western_pa_luann

My friends said, "If he is not kissing her, who IS he kissing?"

Married 11 years... when did he decide this?

(WW registered just to post this... wonder if she'll check in....)

    Bookmark   October 6, 2008 at 11:49AM
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wonderingwanderer

I don't think he's kissing anyone else, but I don't think he's ever been particularly motivated by sex. I don't think his sex drive has ever been typically male and he is one of the rare males who isn't interested in sex outside of a relationship.

His family doesn't touch and are not affectionate, and he has become progressively more distant as the years have gone by.

He doesn't communicate either. I have to push him to talk about anything at all. I feel increasingly lonely and isolated, which makes me feel angry. Being angry makes me not want to have sex with him when he IS motivated (even though I DO have a sex drive).

I know that he is experiencing some depression since he retired two+ years ago, which also coincided with the death of his father. I also struggle with depression, but I'm willing to get help for it.

I'm finding myself more and more considering ending the ralationship. In many aspects, we are very closely matched. We share many interests, although we almost never partake in any of those activities any more. He loves me, is faithful and is generous. We used to be best friends, but when you marry your best friend, who do you talk to when the relationship is not good?

If I leave, I will lose my standard of living and financial security, and may end up as lonely as I am now anyway.

Thanks for your insights.

WW

    Bookmark   October 6, 2008 at 12:36PM
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catlettuce

Wow, I can relate to a lot of things you post, what struck me first of course was the kissing thin. DH gives me kiss but always the peck type on his way out the door type of thing. He is very sensative so does not like his neck ears or anythig else nuzzled or kissed. I know he is depressed.

"I'm finding myself more and more considering ending the ralationship. In many aspects, we are very closely matched. We share many interests, although we almost never partake in any of those activities any more. He loves me, is faithful and is generous. We used to be best friends, but when you marry your best friend, who do you talk to when the relationship is not good?"

All this me too. I don't know what the answer is except try to move forward with your life. Yes you might be as lonely as you are now but will at least be able to what you want, when you want.

Don't know what to say about the kissing thing. It makes me sad because I remember when we were first togther and those long deep endless kisses, but it was a long time ago. I think this happens when couples just grow apart. would probably be a little shocked if DH kissed me like that now.

~Cat

    Bookmark   October 7, 2008 at 12:11AM
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scarlett2001

Sorry to lay a turd on your nice green lawn, but have you ever considered that he may secretly want to play for the other team? I went through that with my last husband and finally the light dawned. He now has a domestic partner and they kiss all the time.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2008 at 2:07PM
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wonderingwanderer

Scarlett - yes, actually I have.

He can bat for any team he wants to. Actually I'd like to see him happy. I'm at my wit's end, but I still love him.

He won't talk to me either. We go days (sometimes weeks) without any substantive communication. He thinks that if there is no screaming in the house everything is just fine. I'm not a screamer. I've told him any number of times that when he stops hearing from me that's when he needs to worry.

To him, two warm bodies living under the same roof without screaming at each other constitutes a marriage. To me it's an unsatisfactory roommate arrangement with occasional sex. If I was single, I could un-ass a bad roommate, and I could do something about the sex situation.

WW

    Bookmark   October 9, 2008 at 8:32PM
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nancylouise_gw

I guess you have to ask yourself if it is worth the money staying in this relationship. What you have is not a marriage.
You are certainly not happy being with your room mate with the money and security...would you be happier on your own free to meet someone else, doing the activities you enjoyed in the past, etc.? I couldn't see myself staying in a relationship like the one you described. Not being happy for the rest of my life. But that is just me. You have to make up your own mind if this is what you want for you. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   October 10, 2008 at 7:28AM
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stargazzer

My husband was not affectionate, but never made statements like that. He stopped any affection he had shown me after we were married a year or two. It was very hard to watch him hug his daughters and son when they came over. He couldn't even pass by one of his children without touching them as he walked by. I knew that he loved me with all of his heart and I tried to think of his good qualities instead of the lack of affection. When our life was complicated by the children, he chose me over them and when he was in a care home, he never once asked to see them.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 3:25PM
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scarlett2001

Sometimes it's helpful to take a look at how men's fathers treated their mothers. It maybe just fulfilling a pattern they learned a long time ago? Women have changed, though!

    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 8:40PM
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texaswoman

Kissing is not for high school. It's a sign of imtimatcy between two people. Doesn't have to lead to sex, it can be just to show that you care. Your husband obviously has some issues. It's up to you as to whether or not you want to work out those issues, if they can be worked out.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2008 at 12:19PM
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