i don't know what's wrong with me, him,our marriage

justine_growerOctober 9, 2007

I am married for 10 years, have one child of 9 years.My husband looks like a model husband from the outside or at least to most people I know. But I always had felt very lonely being with him, angry and taken advantage of for the reasons I can't pinpoint.Don't know why but I can't fully trust him. He had the same issue in previous relationships, with his mother and some friends. He hates that nobody is able to trust him. He also denies to be emotionally rigid (I think he is).He is kind of always objective, just like as if instead of heart he's got a little lawyer inside. If I complain about the way I feel he always consider if that argument is viable or plausible, or weather that would make him guilty by law(in court I guess)?!

If I feel bad he says: don't feel like that, get over it. Last 4 years I am on antidepressants, so if we've got a quarrel he says or that I shouldn't feel like that, that is a wrong feeling, or that I should just take an extra anti-depressant. Well, that's offensive.

He is a very good father though. We are totally crazy about our daughter, she is a reason number one why I haven't divorced him yet.

On the other hand he is financially scrappy and doesn't want to think about any plans for the future. I think that he is a real egoist, nothing matters but him and his beloved job. I wanted to set up some funds for our daughter; first he didn't wanted it- like we need that money! and afterwards when I took the action to open an account he ended up paying the minimum of 11 euro's a month.

We don't own a house yet although we are in our forties. He doesn't feel like paying mortgage and doesn't want a credit from the bank. His rationale is that one day houses will get a lot cheaper! It seems his talent for self-deception is his greatest weapon. He just convinces himself to believe in anything that would suit him.

If I ask any of these questions like shall we do this or that, when shall we decide about those important thing he becomes very offensive and aggressive,and if I persist he shuts up and leaves.

I blackmailed him that if in one year from now we don't buy a house I'll divorce him. We had a huge fight and he said he'll do everything to keep me, so that meant to me- he'll do it. But he finds his way how to evade the subject again, so I see that he already decided not to bother until perhaps, our next fight.

I just cannot fight anymore I feel so stressed about those issues and so insecure that if you mention a house or fund for kids education I start crying immediately.I see other husbands, fathers who take care of their families in a lot better way and with a lot less money than what he earns. I don't have an explanation for why is he so careless and irresponsible.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to have another child with him is because he made me always feel insecure about what he wants from life and how committed he really is.

I never see him getting passionate or outspoken about anything in particular except his work and to a lesser extent our child.

In all this he resembles both of his parents who are terrible egoists, especially father who is on top emotionally as diverse as a robot.His mother suffers from the poverty complex, eats cans with food from the 1989 (redundant to say that she hasn't got any financial trouble at all)

I feel I must divorce him because I am fooling myself hoping that he will change someday. I feel I am wasting my time on this road to nowhere.He even once told me that I am this person easily manipulated like a donkey with carrot.

I feel ever more ready to divorce but my heart is broken when I think of our child.

I am desperate.

Do you people have any advice?

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justine grower, I think the only thing holding you to this marriage is your daughter, this is a very noble aproach, but not a practical one. Children's behavior echoes what is demonstrated, so while you believe that you are protecting her, you may actually be giving her a wrong view of what a loving relationship is.

I would suggest a legal seperation to begin with. Get yourself some space and some air, the ability to think and have your ideas expressed in your own existance. You are obviously depressed because you are repressed. You are not allowed to live in your own existance. I am sorry to be this blundt, but your guy seems really selfish and lazy about life, he seems to usherp control instead of making an effort to be understanding.

You must be really strong to have survived this situation for this long.

You should be allowed to live, and experience life before you die, justine grower, please take a chance on life, I am sure that with what you have learned from this relationship, you will know what you are looking for in a loving companion. If he loved you, he would be willing to sacrifice and work to help enable your security and the security of your daughter, but he isn't willling to do anything but reduce both of your existance to his convenience, and he obciously thinks that all of his thoughts are gospel.

Please take a chance on life, take a breather from this guy, If he loves you he will change things and show it, Then and only then are you to return to him. Make him show some real changes, make the boundaries that define what is acceptible to you clear, and if he is unwilling to enable your life and happiness, get yourself and your daughter a real man in the home, and show her what a loving, and giving, and reciprocal relationship looks like. Remember, she is learning what a woman is from you.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 10:54PM
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It's obvious you're sad, but I can't really tell what is going on with your husband. It doesn't seem like the things you say are necessarily worth leaving him over.

My husband and I have disagreed on purchasing a new house for years (athough I too would be very mad about not having a house at all..is it normal to rent in your area?). My husband and I have also disagreed with the amount of savings and how some money is spent, etc. Financial disputes are very common in marriage. For the past few years, it probably really was a bad time to buy (at least here in the US)... It seems like your problems are normal marriage ones...but I sense they may go deeper than that but you just can't explain them.

"Don't know why but I can't fully trust him". I'm not getting what that means either...could it be an insecurity on your part or can you really not ever count on him? There's a huge difference. Guys are different than girls emotionally - I would think 90% of them are emotionally rigid in a way (sorry, guys). They try to solve problems instead of just giving a hug, etc.. Is that what it's like, or is it something different?

What specifically do you want him to change? Have you tried counseling? It really seems like you two just aren't on the same track and maybe a little push each way and you could work things out. Have you tried having date nights?

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 11:31PM
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There are some comments you made that are sending off alarm bells in my head -- but admittedly, this is a sensitive area for me.

Do some online research into something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Pathological Narcissism to see if it fits. If it does, you'll have your answers, and your course of action should become much clearer.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 9:38AM
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I've studied Narcissism in college too and he doesn't sound Narcissistic to me...everyone will have a few "me" traits especially a (probably arrogant) male lawyer....

There are no real signs of daily abuse or control ... except maybe "her" ultimatum,. What parts are sending off alarm bells? There's no sadistic or passive agressive traits mentioned either.

Here's a link.. but the personality traits will be exaggerated. "Lacks empathy", for example doesn't mean he won't listen to you talk about an Oprah episode or doesn't really listen when you are complaining about a friend. It more means he'll leave you high and dry when you're sick and won't even bring you a glass of water, or won't give you a hug after your mom dies, etc... It means he truly can't feel empathy for another..NOT just that he doesn't think your stuff is important enough to worry about.

"Sense of entitlement" for example, doesn't just mean he thinks his opinion is right and should be followed or that he wants to get his way. Almost everyone wants that. It's more along the lines of, for example, always being late (not because you are unorganized) but because you truly think others should have to wait for you and you shouldn't ever have to wait for them. It's really thinking you're a god compared to others and that you deserve the best because of it. The fact that he doesn't want to own a house leaves me to wonder; If narcisstic, he should be the kind of guy that would have to have the best and biggest house on the block (he would feel very entitled to having the best) especially since he's probably financially able to have a house; Plus he'd be "very" jealous of others that do.

Granted, there's obviously something wrong going on in the marriage...maybe he does have Narcisstic Tendencies or has a different personality disorder.

Are there any other specifics you can share about why you feel so sad in the relationship?

Here is a link that might be useful: Narcissistic PD

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 10:36AM
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All very true Carla --
What set off my sensors (admittedly, they're over-sensitive) were the following:
- that he's dismissive of her feelings,
- that she feels consistently taken advantage of for reasons she can't pinpoint,
- that he had the same issues in previous relationships and with his mother,
- that nobody else trusts him (though I have to agree a N wouldn't feel that way...)
- that he says she is easily manipulated (though again, a N might not acknowledge the manipulation)

The other thing I wonder about is Asperger's Syndrome -- the emotional disconnects, rigidity...
Of course, this could also be a case where no "neat little label" applies...

Any chance you could drag him into therapy? He does seem to acknowledge the existence of some unhealthy emotional patterns and the impact they've had on others.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 11:50AM
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forgive me for being a realist, but, when a woman gets married, it isn't asking too much that her husband consider her feelings, lifts a finger in regards to her security and the stability that everyone, male or female, needs when they realize that they are aging. I mean, a couple in their 40's! Who wants to continue growing old with someone who wouldn't even assist in the basic aspiration of owning a home?

I guess he wants them to live in an old age home or be at the mercy of landlords who could decide to do anything with the property they are currently living on. Coming to think of it, I am sure this guy is expecting their daughter to take care of them in old age. He sounds selfish enough to naturally expect that, making no effort to secure himself and then burdening her, really shouldn't be considered a burden for her.

There are billions of men on this earth, alot of them are capable of much better. At the end of the day, this woman needs to ask herself (considering that she could simply get another man), if there is anything sooo noble and great about this guy, that paying with her lifetime of happiness, peace and security is worth it in the end.

There is no punishment as horrible as laying at the end of your days regretting that you didn't live a happy life, and for nothing. He is choosing to be selfish, he has no disorder, but laziness, selfishness and a strong controlling nature to prevent him being questioned. He is literally making her pay with her life for having fallen in love with him, and marrying him 10 yrs ago. No man is worth a lifetime of sacrifice to end up with nothing at all.

And further she isn't his mother, he isn't a little boy, he has reached his 40's with this attitude. He is unyealding when questioned, I just think that beating the therapy horse will just encourage him to exhibit his usual 'yes man' strategy to get her off his back, like when she gave him the unlimatum, there will be no positive actions following his "apparent" agreeable reaponse.

I think that distance, and time to find herself after being buried for so long is not too much to ask, as a matter of act it is in full order.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 7:59PM
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"His rationale is that one day houses will get a lot cheaper!" Gosh, what planet does he live on?? I have rented the same house for 23 years. I could have bought it way back for $200,000, husband said no. Now it is worth $700,000. Same house, no improvements except a new roof. If we had bought it, we would have a half million in equity now.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 9:41PM
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Ok, you guys do realize that the OP is from The Netherlands? --At least, I think so.

I have no idea about their housing market or if many people rent (it could very well be normal or like New York City). Plus, there may really be some other considerations going on too... maybe he's been contemplating changing cities for his job, maybe the housing market really is bad. Some people really don't like to owe money... maybe he is actually sort of mature and trying to save up all the money to buy a house straight out, or maybe his job isn't all that secure and he's worry about having to make the mortgage. Who really knows all the specifics.

So did you leave your husband, scarlett, or do you just wish you had? ;-) You sound like my mom to my dad "If only we would have bought that apartment complex; they were practically giving it away..." If only, if only, if only.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 12:32AM
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Hi guys

I think many people in Europe, rent homes forever. I don't think the mad buying house deal, like in the US and here in Australia, is part of their society. I could be wrong, so correct me please, if I am !


    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 3:56AM
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This is obviously a sensitive subject for me, but in an effort ot be objective, OP's problems seem to be about more that her feelings of needing a home, she feels dissatisfied in other areas leading to depression and overall unhappiness.

If it were me, I would have changed situations, not divorced, but moved into myh own space where I could experience some peace and happiness in ways i may have been dreaming of and wanting for years, but have been denied for nothing, other than someone else, who came into my life after over thirty years of existance, and feels that they can make me into what is convenient and easy for them only, and soo little for me that I am continually unhappy, dissatisfied and actually in prolonged depression.

The living situation with the personality of this guy is not doing anything good for OP. She is just prolonging her unhappiness and dare I say suffering for what she feels is best for her child.

No one's life is required to be that way for somenone who isn't giving and isn't a baby or retarded. She is unhappy she should find happiness elsewhere, if he refusses to make significant changes and seek professional help during their separation. Even though I think he will change only until she returns. She should also seek help to heal from this long ordeal.

Marriage comes with the expectation of love demonstrated. Yes, willful neglect of your partner's needs is a form of abuse, it is actually demonstrating that they are not as important as you. She i sbeginnin to believe him, she is saying 'i don't know what is wrong with me...' CERTAINLY NOT WHAT HE SAYS! I am in support of OP leaving.

Who the hell is this guy!?

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:26PM
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