It's time to get out ...

n_cynthOctober 20, 2007

Hi all! I posted on here about the sexless marriage I've been in for 5+ yrs. I've known for a long time I needed to get out of this relationship, but had no idea what I was waiting for ... well we went out for a few days with friends (husband-wife) and they wanted to check out a topless bar, we decided to drop in there, after 30 min or so we ladies got bored and the guys said to go back to the hotel and they'd be back in some time. Trusting them, we went off, but after 3 hrs I got worried about the guys (honestly, I thought somebody drugged them and took away their money and dumped them somewhere) so we went back and saw the guys sitting on the very sofa with two of the dancers feeling them up. The guys spent about $800 there.

The holiday was botched, and to add insult to injury my husband said he enjoyed it, he did nothing wrong, liked it bcoz his wife doesn't let him touch her anymore. To me it was a tight slap in the face LOL. He also said he didn't care whether I stayed with him or left. He said it wasn't a big deal, we were on holiday, it was his first experience of the kind - I said it could've been my first experience with a guy, and would you have liked it? The answer was an emphatic NO!

Anyway, I now know I need to get out of this relationship, and fast. I might not tell him my decision right away, but I'll get away for some time and then make the final move.

He is in India at the moment and calls me up twice/thrice everyday and talks as if nothing's wrong, and even though I don't reply, he keeps chatting on ... probably wanting to show his family everything's OK. I told his sister what happened and she said I shouldn't have trusted him in such a place. I told her to me he is an asexual being, so I never thought for a moment that he could do that while he has rejected me all the time. She said to divorce him, why was I with him for so long, etc, and basically wouldn't let me talk, wouldn't listen to what I was saying, so I disconnected the phone. She too put a lot of pressure on me when I didn't want to get married to her brother, also said that if anything went wrong, she wud be there for me, and when things did go wrong in the past, she said it's your problem, u have to handle it now.

I told her this time that her brother called me a whore when I was with a group of friends enjoying an evening out at the disc .. he was there with us, I don't know what happened to him but he called me a whore as we sat in the care to return home. I told his sister maybe he likes 'that' kind of women, that's why he had such a problem getting close to me.

Now the thing is, if I don't stay occupied for even 2 minutes, that scene flashes in front of my eyes - he and that dancer sitting with their arms around each others' necks and doing all that stuff ... he never sat that way with me, never spoke that way to me ..... I honestly don't know how to behave when he returns from India. The hurt is too much, and I'm sick n tired of crying, but I'll have to wait until he gets back - there's no one now to take care of our cats.

Thank you to all who responded to my previous posts. I know I had to make a decision soon, and this seems to be the catalyst. It's nice to know it'll be over with, but the hurt ... that doesn't go away.

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From your description, you and your friend are both married to serious jerks.

So he's in India. Why wait? Grab the cats and whatever else you feel is rightfully yours and get out of there. Time for a new, better, jerk-free life. Let him come home to an empty house. Let your attorney handle the rest.

One life to live. Why live it this way?

    Bookmark   October 20, 2007 at 5:23PM
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You're doing the right thing --

And since you need to stay busy, there's nothing like setting up a whole new life while he's gone. Find a new apartment, move some furniture and buy the rest, set up a new bank account and transfer half the funds. Meet with a lawyer to have some papers drawn up. You can do everything but move -- or do that too. Let him come home to an empty house and a legal-sized envelope...

    Bookmark   October 20, 2007 at 9:10PM
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n cynth -

He sure does seem like a"jerk". I pretty much agree with the above replies you rec'd.

I do, however, hope that you can support yourself alone and would worry that he might get physical with you. From what you say, he doesn't put much effort into romancing you. Also, that he is fine with it that way and there has been no communication or effort to change the situation.

It is a lot less complicated if there are no children involved. If you are sure that you would want to end this relationship, then it seems that you have an opportunity to do so at this time. He is out of the country from what you say. If you are sure, then perhaps this is a good time to do it. I would think that it would be very stressful for you to make this decision and follow thru on it. It might just save your life in so many ways, though.

I remember when I was first married I had a girlfriend. She also got married around the same time. The marriage ended after a year. She was so depressed but never came out in so many words as to what it was. Being older and wiser, thinking back on it, I know, now, what it was. I think that it was very smart of her to get out when she did with no children involved.

Anyway, I got in touch with her years later. She got married, had kids and was very happy!

Remember....the choice is yours. No one knows the future. But, it is better to be alone then be married together with someone and be lonely.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2007 at 9:32PM
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Leave, take the kitties and go. If you wait for him to come back, you won't have a chance to get what you want, he may say he don't care if you leave, but who wants someone standing over you deciding what you can and can't take? "I bought you that necklace, you can't take it" I mean who needs that??
This is a perfect time to make the move, use whatever resources you have.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2007 at 12:14AM
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I can't keep straight who's problems is who's on the sexless marriage post, but the way he disrespected in regard to the above situation was awful. Talk about adding insult ot injury. Then again, I'm not really sure why anyone whould go to a topless bar with their husband... did he think you were giving your approval by going there in the first place and/or allowing him to stay alone? I just can't imagine the whole scenario happening with my husband... he may be more than willing to go to those clubs like on a bachelor party... but with me and/or while we're on a trip together, I'm just not seeing it???

Anyway, I think this may be the time to check out of the marriage too, but I'm not so certain you should have to be the one to leave your house. If you leave, he'll probably get to keep the house so you may want to keep that in mind if that's important. You can always talk to a lawyer and start precedings though; just having the time to sort though your feelings and get use to the idea of leaving him while he's gone should help.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2007 at 10:47AM
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Thank you all for responding. Much as I'd love for him to come back to an empty house, I've decided to return to India after he gets back from there. I cannot afford to rent a place here right now, and it'd be better for me to be with my family. Can't take the cats on such short notice either. So that will have to wait. I'll start looking for a job in India ASA I get there.

I don't think he'd object to my taking anything with me but as I've seen already, I can't trust my perception of him anymore. And anyway, the diamonds he showered me with on Val's Day and the gold necklace-earring-bangle sets he gifted me on our wedding anniversaries can stay with him, I won't need any of those. All I want is the cats and my stuff, that's it.

Right now I'm as close to normal as can be, I haven't drunk at all for two days and nights (and I intend to continue not drinking) and I'm not bursting into tears that often.

Looking back I realise it was a stupid thing, going to the topless bar - but it was kinda just to check it out, none of us had ever been to one before ... and not knowing what goes on there, we left the guys there ... but then they should know what's right and what's wrong. Anyway, what's done is done, at least this gave me the impetus to get things going. Kinda a blessing in disguise .. but one that hurts so much!

Thank you all once again, you're the most warm, wonderful, empathetic people I've come across. I'd never have been able to pour my heart out this way if it hadn't been for you. God bless you all.

Love, hugs,

    Bookmark   October 21, 2007 at 1:16PM
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Booze can be useful for letting things out occasionally, but you can't live there. You seem to have good perspective on that...and on other things. Life is more than bangles, too. It's just stuff.

Every good wish to you as you move ahead. Namaste. (Did I get that right?)

    Bookmark   October 21, 2007 at 1:45PM
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I agree wit the poster about not leaving your home just yet, and yes, staying off the booze will help u keep things in right perspective.

Another thing, my jewelry helped me pay 4 a better divorce lawyer, so if you don't value the diamonds, make them work for you as they leave your life. Please do not give them back, sell them.

Anyway, you are making the right decision, by leaving, but your delaying may be bad for you if you do not have a plan for leaving that you are actively working out while tolerating this ass hole a bit longer.

Remeber your plan so when you make your escape, you leave with nothing big to use against you.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2007 at 4:54PM
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Thanks for your kind wishes Asolo, yes you got that right! Namaste, everyone! :)

Ebern, I like your idea of making the diamonds work for me as they leave my life! Now why didn't this occur to me .. just shows how messed up my mind is right now ... but I know I'll wait for him to return, I wanna see if at all he says something about what happened, or at least what he wants to do now. He confessed to his friend that he did wrong, but now with his sister's backing (It's normal for a guy to do that if his wife hasn't let him touch her for so long), he's back to square one.

The newest development is, his bro-in-law said he said he suspects me of having an affair with his best friend (who's also my best friend now), and husband says he didn't say it. I have no idea who's lying or why, and who else he plans to bring into the picture. Before things get uglier, I need to get out!

For now, I'll go back to India for an indefinite period, zero contact with husband and his family, just be with my folks, relax, and take the necessary legal steps.

I'm in a much better frame of mind now and thinking practically, thanks to your support! I love, love, love you guys ... girls, I mean!


    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 3:16PM
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Try not to dwell on the gossip and rumors --
It's not fair. It's not true. It's not important --
There's just no point in it and it can drive you crazy!
Just keep moving forward with your head held high and your dignity intact.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 6:16PM
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I am a little surprised that you are hoping to return to India. Its my understanding from friends who live there that husbands and their family can be pretty brutal and you have little or no recourse. You have already learned that his sister can't be trusted. I sure would be careful if I were you--things have not gotten better in 5 years, why would they get better now.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 7:42PM
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Be sure to fix your finances so he can't clean out your bank account or anything. Why not stay here- India is beautiful but you do have a lot of freedom here.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2007 at 9:04PM
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I'm still here! :) Marge, yes, the husband's family can be pretty brutal in such situations; divorce is seen as the woman's fault in India, but I'm way past caring about that! As long as I have my parents with me, I'll be fine. He can't clean out my bank account, we don't have a joint account, and I have full access to his account - how cool is THAT! ;)

He returned from India and said he doesn't think there's any point in staying together anymore. We discussed how we'd go about it. Unfortunately divorces in India often leave the wife with little, if any, monetary compensation; we discussed alimony and just as I expected, he's willing to give me an amount way less than what I expect (and could claim according to law; I also know he could afford it very well). He said he has liabilities such as investments and loans so he would bring that to court when the time comes to settle alimony.

A week later, after he saw me checking online to rent apartments in Bombay, he said let's go for a trial separation. I didn't say anything.

A couple of days later, he said let's give it another try, and that he wanted to talk. Then he admitted he suspected before marriage that his sex drive wasn't normal, that he took the relationship for granted ... and 15 min later said he never thought he had any problem with his sex drive, that he's normal in every way, that he has never done anything wrong in the relationship, and there was nothing wrong with what he did at the topless bar.

I once spoke to him for almost a whole minute, telling him to feed the cats, and that I'd moved their bowls to another place, and to put the kittens in their room so they could eat in peace etc, he said OK to everything ... I saw him 5 min later and asked if he'd fed the cats and he says "Huh? What? When did you ever tell me to feed the cats?" I reminded him of our 5-min-ago conversation and he said he didn't remember me standing by his chair and talking to him at all! He's always been this way, but mostly when he isn't responding, I know he's not listening; this time he actually said yes and turned back to look at where the bowls were kept and all.

My conclusion: I'm married to a Class A nut.

I've thought long and hard about going to India, I thought I needed to be with my parents, with people who support me, but I've finally decided to dig in my heels, start working, be financially independent and see where things are heading. When I'm good and ready I'll move out, and take the cats with me.

Thanks to all of you; your suggestions help me think of alternatives when my muddled mind is unable to see clearly, and your support always buoys me.


    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 1:42PM
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get out now

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 1:50PM
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