not healing

lizzie2October 12, 2008

there was an article about one of the girls in the paper and so he sent it to a mutual friend. she did not realize he had sent it from his work address. yes, she knows about the past and maybe that was why she emailed it back to the house address.

the therapist wants me to go, leave for awhile or have him leave. the girls do not want that. believe it or not i am staying calm about it if only my stomach would calm down.

i really need someone to talk to.

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catlettuce

"there was an article about one of the girls in the paper and so he sent it to a mutual friend. she did not realize he had sent it from his work address. yes, she knows about the past and maybe that was why she emailed it back to the house address. "

Can you elaborate? I don't know the story behind this.
I'm sorry for your pain :0(

~Cat

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 5:39PM
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amyfiddler

Well, I'm not following your story either, but right off the bat, I can come up with two thoughts.

First, your marital problems are not appropriate discussions for the kids. A decision to stay or leave should not be left up to them.

Second, to stay or to leave is not the concern of your (any)therapist. It is not the therapist's job to advise you to stay or to leave, unless you are being abused physically or you are beyond your own capacity to think for yourself.

So no matter what is going on with you and your husband, I assume it is a trust issue, then find someone who will help you sort your thoughts (not manipulate or cajole you into a decision) and leave the kids out of the drama.

Is your husband willing to sort this out with you?

    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 1:49AM
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carla35

It sounds like her husband was secretly emailing /communicating from work to a woman (maybe an old flame or someone he had an affair with). The woman e-mailed him back at home tipping off the wife to his continued communication with her????

I don't understand the background behind all this but kids really shouldn't be any part of the decision process. They usually don't understand the ins and outs of everything going on, and they don't need to feel responsible for a marraige breaking up or not.

Please fill us in....

    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 11:37AM
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stargazzer

A therapist is there for many reasons, one is to offer suggestions about how to solve your problems. My feeling if you are to the point you that you are thinking of leaving, you should leave, temporarily. If he truly loves you, he may change, if not you should not waste anymore of your precious years with him.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 11:40AM
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lizzie2

In March 2006 dh was reunited with his first love at a thing for my oldest dd, he emailed her from home and she responded that she had taken down the information from dd form and was planning on contacting him. He told me she needed a friend and to email her. Then came the lunches and the secret emails until I found 1 that said yes, yes; whatever, blue front closure. So I called her dd told him and she called me crying it was the first time she did something like this and so on. DD and I talked about divorce but he claims he still loves me but over the months I have found her phone numbers in different ways in his cellphone, his "work" bank account whick I am not on and so on. We have not had anytime alone together and right now, I really do not care to try. He says they no longer talk, he calls me everyday at lunch to prove she is not with her 10 minutes out of an hour. As I sit here, I really do not know if I love him anymore. Too many pains/hurts/broken promises and so on. I just feel like I am trash. I have MS so does her mom and he hates MS and I feel he hates me. He says he cannot afford a divorce and loves me but do you ask someone what you can do to prove they love you and you say just change the "work" bank account to the address where you LIVE not mom's. We have been married 24 yrs. the last two I have been miserable. Oh well, thanks for listening. It helps just to write it all down.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2008 at 7:40AM
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bnicebkind

I thought DD stood for darling daughter. For me, your post is confusing as you wrote that you contacted her DD (?) and told him(?) ...and in another area you wrote DD (?) and I talked about divorce but he(?) claims...etc.

But I understand that there is another woman in the middle of your marriage, and that she is also married. I do not know if she has children, or how long she has been married, or whether she and her husband are trying to repair their marriage since he now knows about the relationship between his wife and your husband.

If either has any integrity, and desire to right wrongs done not only to their spouse, but to their children and family as a whole, they will stop all communication, and work at healing and restoring the relationships within their family. If they believe that they can still be "friends" they are lying to themselves to justify behavior that is not justifiable. Their cost of such a friendship will be paid for by their spouse and family, and finally, each other...because can anything good come from something whose very foundation was built on betrayal (lies) to those closest to them, who believed them to be honorable and worthy of trust?

    Bookmark   October 14, 2008 at 9:16AM
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lizzie2

i am sorry, should i redo/

    Bookmark   October 14, 2008 at 2:21PM
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bnicebkind

It's up to you. I found it confusing to read due to the several references to DD and the sentence continued talking about a he, so it threw me off a bit. But I understand the central problem. It appears that they both think that they can stay in their marriages, and yet still be friends and communicate. That is so unfair to their spouses, who were betrayed, and deceived. And to still have the person who created so much pain still lurking in the shadows of the marriage, must create tremendous feelings of anxiousness, and insecurity, wondering where your spouse is, and whether your marriage is safe, or threatened. (I am also including her husband in feeling as I hear you say you feel).

And when there are children, and extended family, and friendships built, and mortgages, and homework/projects due, and all the daily things that family count on each other for as they work together to take care of a busy family...there is a lot at stake to meet the daily needs of everyone within a family. One has to be able to count on each member being able to be counted on, and trusted, that their motives are in the best interest of the family. When one spouse has one foot in, and one foot out the door, the stability of the whole family is vulnerable.

He has to want to heal your relationship, and you would BOTH need to close the door on the past. But he must firmly close the door, allowing no further communication) so that there is no question where his loyalty lies.

And he needs to get both feet back into your marriage.

I wish you healing and the ability to move towards restoration of your marriage for the sake of your well being, and the well being of your family as a whole.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2008 at 6:06PM
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amyfiddler

I will reiterate - it is not a therapist's job, in fact it borders on unethical, to tell anyone to end a marriage. That is a decision to be made by you and you alone. I'm assuming there's more to that explanation, and perhaps the therapist phrased it differently than you present it. Nevertheless, a therapist is not an advise giver.

If your husband is interested in healing your marriage, you have something rare before you - an opportunity to go through a process of repair and re-definition of your relationship. You cannot return to what was, but you can create something else- which ultimately if done correctly will be better than 'what was.'

Make sure you work with a therapist skilled and experienced with infidelity issues. There are those out there. If your therapist has a clear bias against your husband, then he or she is no longer able to be helpful to you if you choose to work on this.

It is do-able, whether you 'feel' like it or not. Feelings come after the work and commitment. You've been betrayed, and that hurts, so you're in protective mode. Understandable. Also, not permanent.

He needs to end his affair now, forever. That means including you in the "breakup", making it clear to her that even if things don't work out with you, he will never enter into a relationship with her of any sort ever again.

Sounds like he's doing a good job of being transparent, letting you know of his whereabouts. I'd suggest you allow him to continue to do so - it's important, whether you feel good about it or not. These things take time.

"Advise" is what you get from sites like these. "Reflection, insights, and further questions" are what you get from a skilled therapist.

Good luck - I say stay married and work through this. :)

    Bookmark   October 14, 2008 at 6:45PM
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bnicebkind

I agree with the good advice that Amy gave you.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2008 at 9:39AM
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carla35

Lizzie,

How long has this 'affair' been going on for? Didn't you take a vacation of sorts away from him a year or so ago? Is this the same woman from a couple years ago who's husband you even called? You're the one who's husband was going to leave, but when he consulted an attorney, he realized he couldn't afford to, right?

He admitted to an emotional affair a year or two ago, and he still continues with this stuff! I'm not sure I'm understanding you right, but if he's STILL having an affair with this same woman maybe it is time to think about leaving. This has been going on too long.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2008 at 12:38PM
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