reply;...don't know what's wrong with our marriage

justine_growerOctober 13, 2007

thanks Carla and all, it was interesting reading your comments. I've noticed that something is wrong with my husband's ego. He doesn't want a big car or a big house, or any other possession with what men usually demonstrate their social status or at least the one they aspire for...

Perhaps deep down he desires those status symbols but ...? Maybe he is still a little boy psychologically. Also just like his mother he suffers that weird 'poverty syndrom', she eats rotten food while living in villa. There must be a deep fear inside that is stronger than anything even his love for his daughter (he really loves her, spends most of the time with her).

I believe more and more that he isn't JUST a jerk (although when provoked he behaves like one), but he's probably got sort of a personality disorder (as most of the comments point at). Honestly I never seriously considered that.And that thing whatever it is will cost him/all of us dearly.

Also interesting is to mention that he almost never takes action to improve anything without blackmail (at home. at work he is very undertaking). Even if the situation is crippling and makes everyone utterly tensed and unhappy, like not having home.So that's what I am doing- blackmailing and persisting until he starts to act. A little bit tiring though for 10 years.I think he is going to buy a house now when I threatened him with divorce. The problem is -I see it coming-that it may be too late this time.

Apart from that, why do I feel sad with him? Like he never memorizes things about me, after 10 years he still gets me wrong presents and red instead of white wine. He is not on my side if somebody hurts my feelings. He forgets almost everything we talked about and does things we agreed not to do all over again. Things that I hate he would try to convince me that I should try them or 'I would have liked them' even after I've told him 20 times to stop or that that would be very unlikely. For weeks he can be psychologically on an 'automatic pilot', saying things without any thinking or feeling.He doesn't talk. He is tensed and jerky, but also spaced out. Like suddenly, he can get totally spaced out; saying stupid things, behaving like a 10 years day he is back to his feel but sort of cold and distant. He claims to be extremely sensitive, but only for or to himself. For others he can be totally insensitive. I became so alergic when somebody claims to be 'sensitive', one should be aware of those individuals. Like he (him mother does the same) always call people with slightly different names, like as if they can't memorize your real name, but come up with a version of it.As if to remember your name is too much of an effort.

I guess it comes closest to truth that I feel lonely because I can't connect to his personality, he says one thing today and something else tomorrow, doesn't even remember or says 'well that was yesterday'. Sometimes I wonder who the hell he really is?

I feel sad because our connection feels poor emotionally. I feel like I am constantly pissed of-objectivized- some person to him, not more or not less than anybody else.

Sometimes mutual friends pinpoint that it's no wonder how he is with such parents, or that I must have known whom I was getting married with. But man, he looks and behaves 80% of the time perfectly normal(mostly outside home in a social setting, at home it is reversed- currently 20% of the time normal).If I point at that discrepancy he says that he just works hard and feels burned-out, that's all. If he makes an effort he is rather intelligent, funny and good looking too. At work he gets always compliments.

He says he is crazy about me and that he'll do everything to keep me. Everybody around us thinks that that's so obvious.But also about that it's weird or unreal; at times either I think he's too fanatical about me or he doesn't care enough.

How was I supposed to know that guy is that much hypnotized by something, self-obsessed, inaccessible?

Also I reacted strongly to the first comment that he is punishing me for falling in love with him 10 years ago. I hope it is not that bad that he's got a bad self-hatred and tries to punish me/us for sharing his life?

Now when I spitted this out I see- the problem is serious.He also says that I am paranoid to think he's holding a conspiracy against me.Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy.

He used to be a 'pot head' in his 20's that's probably related to being absent minded.

Please write me back any clues,what you think it has been very helpful to me already.

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dear justine grower, I have lurked at your last post and having witnessed the end of my mothers no good marriage, and remembering my position as her young daughter at the time, this is a I need to see through.

I spoke to a friend of mine who is a psychologist, he says that your husband is displaying classic sociopathic behavior, he may not a murderer, but he is void of actual feeling, and everything and everyone is simply being kept neatly in their rightful place in his life because this is where they are in his mind.

He will never divorce you, but you will never feel loved by him, you are there simply to play your role, as your daughter is. But I am afraid for your daughter, because when she develops into a young woman with wants and needs contrary to daddy's ideas for her, her self esteem will be crushed by him, because she will too, be kept neatly in place and eventually grow in to a woman who will not make a decision without, specifically, his direction.

If this is the case for her, what will happen to her when something happens to him. She will never individuate from him, he will be the extension of her that gives direction to her life. May I ask, what happens when you have an idea concernign some decision for your daughter that he opposes? Does your idea stand a chance, or does he go on proving his postition by making you of no effect in the direction of her life, except when it corresponds with his ideas?

I am sorry that you are sad, and that you feel the natural loving and maternal need to save him, or help him heal, but you need to realise that his way of thinking and analysing real llife aituations is not going to change, or even get better without some serious therapy, multiplied years of therapy, and he must be submissive at that, now honestly, do you really think this is possible?

He feels safe only when things can be controlled, which is why he is great at work, there is no emotion to complicate the work environment, there is simply a formula to follow, the rules are straight laced, he walks the beaten path everyday, and can follow the same rules over and over and over again to make things work for him there without question.

But with you, when he follows the same rules over and over and over again, there are questions, complications and unhappiness, which he cannot understand anyway 'I can't connect to his personality, he says one thing today and something else tomorrow, doesn't even remember or says 'well that was yesterday'. Sometimes I wonder who the hell he really is?'
You are not loved, you are simply filling a role normal to an adult male in his adult male life. So is your daughter, 'Like he never memorizes things about me, after 10 years he still gets me wrong presents and red instead of white wine. He is not on my side if somebody hurts my feelings' It is obvious that your role as 'wife' in his life had been fashioned in his mind long before you even met him. You are in a position that fits no one but him, in his mind the wife he has isn;t anyone but someone he made up, I guess that you were the closest fit, or a woman who was easy to mold, or make fit into what he envisions.

Was he abused as a child, why was his emotional development so stunted, that he plays life? You do realise that he isn't living it right? And I am sorry, but you cannot save him in time to save your daughter.

Get out for your daughter's sake, even if you are convinced that you love him and want to see him better, then look on him and support his progress as a friend. Please get your daughter out of there.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2007 at 6:59PM
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justine, he sounds like my DH but I don't want to hijack.
I understand the confusion though.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 11:38PM
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Ebern, that sociopathic person you described is my ex to a "T". I probably couldn't add much more to your description. I went through 20 years of pure hell before I figured out I couldn't change him. Sadly, he can't feel anything. He hasn't contacted any of the four kids in years. Went to DS's graduation but spent only five minutes there after driving 2000 miles. Wouldn't tell any of the kids when their grandpa died even though they lived only a few miles from us. Lots of stuff. It is my eternal regret I didn't leave sooner and put all my kids through such hell and torture. It got so bad all the kids would run into their rooms and lock the doors when they heard his car in the driveway. I had to leave to save their sanity and ended up saving mine too. I was into year one of a five-year plan when I left him. My plan was to get an education and then work a year in a stable job. Things got so bad I had to leave right then. I went to school full-time while working 3-4 part-time jobs. Wasn't easy but it was so worth it. I remember the first night of him being gone - such sweet peace. Not peace of mind though, because he'd threatened to kill me or kidnap the kids and kill them leaving me to suffer. Justine, I'm afraid that most of the time sociopaths just escalate and get worse. I worry about you.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2007 at 4:35PM
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