I want kids, Husband does not. HELP!

knittingfool1October 31, 2007

I am 27, married for 3 years. My husband and I agreed before we married that we never wanted children. We just wanted to be able to travel and do the things we enjoy at a moments notice. Now, I can't shake the feeling that I want to have a baby. I think about it all the time, I even dream about it. It's been this way for a few months. Back in July, I thought I may have been pregnant, ( I was 1 week late). My husband was supportive, but obviously not excited about the idea. Turns out I was not pregnant. At first I was relieved, but shortly after I became very depressed about it. Ever since then, I have felt as though I want to be a mom.

I have not discussed with husband yet, and I am afraid to. I don't want to be one of those women who seem like one person before the wedding, then another one after. I know I have to tell him, but, I am scared that he won't want to continue in our marriage if we have kids. I can't say I would blame him either. He thought he was getting married to someone who didn't want children. It's not like I'm asking him to give me a puppy, it's a child! I love my husband more than life itself. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

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I'm a year older than you so I understand the obsessing over having a baby, although I always knew I eventually wanted kids and wouldn't waste my time with someone who didn't.

This is a deal breaker type of thing. You have to decide what is more important to you. He may want to leave the relationship rather than having children, and you need to be prepared that he may do that. Maybe he will change his mind too, you won't know until you talk to him about it.

I have been with the same person for a long time now (not married yet) and I know if he came to me and told me he had changed his mind and did not want children, I would be out of the relationship in a second. Having children IS happening with me whether it is with him or someone else, and I told him that not long after we started dating so I wouldn't be stuck in a similar situation as yours.

Talk to him and see what he says and then decide what's most important to you.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 3:50PM
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NOW is the perfect time to talk to him.
You've been through a pregnancy scare and he didn't bolt.
It made you think, and odds are, it's made him think also.
You've each had enough time to think about it, but not so much that it's started to become a wall.
Don't let it become a wall. Don't turn it into the elephant in the corner that everyone's thinking about and no one's talking about.

If it turns out you definitely DO want children and he definitely DOESN'T, then you'll have a re-evaluation to do.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:22PM
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Listen to Jenn. You think you've changed your mind about children, you need to let him know this, so he has a chance to rethink if need be. And yes, this may mean the relationship comes to an end, although if you'd have felt this way while dating each other and he still had the stand of 'no kids', then you two would have gone separate ways then, instead of now facing the possibility of your marriage ending.

You are young, and need to try to attain what it is you need for your life. Really think seriously about this though, because if you remain with him and childless because he still wishes to be that way and you can't stand the thought of not being married to him, you may be compromising something that you'll will regret in later years. But your marriage can end, and that is not necessarily a guarantee you meet another person like him to build a life with and have a family with.

I'm attaching a link to another post (a long one, make sure you have time!) I found as an interesting read by someone questioning people's reasons for having/not having kids, as they were wrestling with this themselves.

Here is a link that might be useful: Will I regret not having kids?

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:29PM
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The kids/no-kids thing is notoriously......

1) Deal breaker or....

2) Marriage cement

Notwithstanding the "deal" you made when you married, people change. Some partners adjust. Some don't. You may be surprised to learn that your husband has, too. Or maybe not. I'd talk about it now....recognizing that the outcome may not be what you hope. In any event, there are enough kids out there already among parents that don't want them. Don't make your husband into one of those.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:52PM
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Maybe dear hubbie feels the same as you. You will never know unless you talk to him.

People change over the years. Views in marriage change all the time. That's a normal part of life.

Communication is the key.

Talk to him about how you feel. If he loves you he will understand and consider his options.


    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:59PM
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A friend of mine was in your shoes. It took her four years to get the nerve to talk to her husband about it. They now have a child.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 6:15PM
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We went into our marriage with the understanding that I wanted 4 children, he was agreeable (slightly) with having 2. Hey I was happy with that. Once we got married though he always had a reason why we were going to put off having a baby, nature took care of it itself however for we went camping and I recieved thousands of bug bites on my legs, the doctor, the same doctor mind you that prescribed my birth control pills, gave me a antibiotic to take to help with the pain and itching never once informing me that they would interfere with my birth control. So, that is how I have my Kody, we had one more baby 6 years later, this is the thing though, DH is really a great guy but he isn't the greatest with things dealing with the kids, anything to do with school I take care of, doctors, dentists, homework, fixing boo boos. All my area. He works a lot so I attribute some of it to that, plus I was home 5 years with the kids so they are more used to coming to me with problems. He takes them to the movies by himself as I don't care for going, but for the most part we all go as a family or it is me taking them somewhere.
He gets stressed with them as well (they fight with each other A LOT!) He tries not to show it but that rubbing his hands up and down his face is usually a good indication. he won't punish them either, if they are running in the house screaming he will either tell me to go handle it or he just sits in his chair staring at the t.v oblivious to everything around him (how do guys do that?) they KNOW they can get by with murder with him in charge and they really take advantage of this, but when I get home he sure makes sure and lets me know what all they have done so I can "handle" the problem. But he loves his boys and even now with my oldest being 12 he still gets a goodnight hug from both of them every night, and he will sometimes read a bedtime story to the youngest (and he abhors reading so that is really BIG)
Raising children is a hard job, and you both really need to be togather on this, if not it just cannot be done. you can't just jump up grab your keys and go trotting off to the store (and when they get to be about 5, sometimes it is hard to just get them out the door) if you work you will have the difficult task of choosing a sitter, I am not trying to discourage you here because there is nothing more rewarding to me then my 2 kids, but you need to have the support of your husband for sure, and please, please don't get pregnant on purpose without his knowledge, that will be a utter disaster.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 11:18PM
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Thanks for all the posts. We talked last night and I was very honest with him. I told him that I love him and don't want to lose him, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want a child. He was surprised, but open to the discussion. He told me that he loves me to, and understands that people change over time.

When we were dating and engaged, our lives were different. We both had very busy and demanding careers. Between the both of us, we were travelling monthly, either for work or play. At the time, it would not have been fair to bring a child into the world that we could not raise. Also, I was young, and children seemed like a burden. Since then, my company closed down and I started a home based business. My husband took a promotion that has cut his work load in half and he no longer travels for work. We are both older and more grown up, and I can say for myself that my priorities have changed.

No decision was made last night. He said he needs to think, and I can respect that. The last thing I want to do is force him into being a father. I'll keep you posted when we decide. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 11:55AM
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That's great news! Just opening an honest dialogue is a big step, and it sounds like both of you handled it well. It also sounds like your lives have naturally shifted to a place that's much more conducive to raising children.

Congratulations - and best wishes to you both, whatever you end up deciding.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 1:19PM
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That is great news.Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and good relationship. If you decide to have children,no doubt they will be very lucky.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 1:37PM
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knitting fool, I was happy to hear that you talked to your husband about wanting a child. I could never understand why my friend could not have an honest conversation with her own husband, about something so important. For four years she would talk to her female friends about how she would tell him that she had changed her mind, and wanted children, but it took her soooo long to get the courage to actually talk to her own husband about something so heavy on her heart. I could just never understand it.

So I am happy that you and your DH have a relationship where you can talk, and share, and work together.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 6:33AM
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I am very happy that the discussion with your DH went well. Back when my DH and i were dating i didnt want kids. He knew this. When he proposed i asked him if he could live a life without kids. He said yes and so did i. However my heart knew that he would pray for an "accident" to happen. Well it did. And i love being a mom. Sometimes you dont know that you really want something until it is already there. I am not telling you to get pregnant. That would be bad! I just want you to know that sometimes people change their minds. I know i did. We now have 3 kids and i never thought i would LOVE this new life as much as i do. Good Luck!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 12:01PM
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a good friend of the family went thru this. she and her husband agreed before they married not to have kids. he loved kids, he just did not want any of his own. 10 years later she wanted kids and he still did not so they divorced. literally less than a year later they remarried and he swore that they would either have kids or adopt within a couple years. 6 more years went by and no kids. so she asked him to go with her to the adoption agency. he refused. they divorced again, this time for good.

have a talk with him and find out 100% if he wants them or not. if he does not,then you may need to move on to other pastures. if you want kids, you WILL regret not having them later in life. of course, you may regret having them, especially during the teen years!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 3:16PM
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I am the product of just such a situation and believe me when I tell you that IT DIDN'T WORK. All I heard growing up was (right or wrong) "you're mother didn't keep up her end of the bargain"! The resentment was palpable.
Right now your brain is being driven by estrogen, instead of common sense. You need to focus on what would be best FOR YOUR CHILD, not how to satisfy your urges. Remember something Dr. Phil says "a baby shouldn't be born with a job". In this case, that would be convincing its father that he should be a father. It simply isn't fair to your husband to change your mind on such a life altering topic.
You may have to pick your marriage OR a baby...

    Bookmark   November 18, 2010 at 4:10PM
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Whatever child they may have had is three years older now.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2010 at 8:47PM
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Im 28 yrs old married for 4 yrs and im sailing in the same boat as you.When we were newly married my husband tried to convince me to take oral birth control.I said NO and my period was once delayed by 1 week he made be take plan B pill (emergency contraception) .when we got married i told my husband i want to have a baby and every time he gave me excuse saying
1) not now i have to repay my dads loan (father in law lost job when my husband was in collage). I waited for him to repay his dads loan.
next excuse
2) Let my dad get his job back (as he had to financially support his parents family)
3) Let my sister get married (in Indian culture mostly elder brother takes care of his sisters wedding (spl when dad is a moron) sister in law got married 3 yrs after us and had baby with in a year.
next excuse

4) Im not happy with my present job.No growth opportunity

5) Lets buy a house first.

I want to have my first baby before i turn 30

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 1:43PM
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I would not want to have a child with someone who doesn't want one. That's what your situation sounds like. If he refuses and if you can't live with that (in other words, if you can't bear to not have children), then you should find someone who does want them. I'm not a big fan of divorce but if you can't come to happy agreement on this one way or another, you should each find happiness apart from one another.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 4:22PM
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IMHO, child-bearing requires two "yes" answers. In four years you haven't heard the word once. There's a message there: He doesn't want kids. Did you hear that?

If it's important to you, move along. And, further, I would advise not to listen to him if he capitulates when he finds out you're leaving. He doesn't want kids. You can't make him want kids. His agreeing to have them -- in order to keep you -- when he doesn't want them will make your life a misery.

I'm not saying anything bad about him...except he's clearly deceiving you. He may be deceiving himself in thinking he's really a fine fellow while your clock continues to tick.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2011 at 8:35PM
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