Can I trust him again?

mas1724October 17, 2008

My husband started talking to my friend through me. I asked him to work on her car. She is getting a divorce and I was being nice. Then they started to talk more and more and text back and forth. Some of the conversations got a little out of hand. I told him how it made me feel and that I didn't like it but that didn't seem to stop him. He didn't see any harm in it, says nothing was ever gonna happen it was just talk and flirting. My friend would tell me most of what the conversations were (I think) so I knew what was going on or else I just went looking. A couple of times he made it a point to tell her to make sure I did not find out that they were talking. When I would question him about it he would lie to me and I would call him out on it cuz I already knew the truth. Finally I threatened him with divorce and he stopped talking to her. Then about a month later she had to take her car into the shop and I told him what they said and he didn't agree with them so he called her. The texting started back up. He asked her to meet him. When I questioned him about it, he said that it was so he could talk to her about why he stopped talking to her. This I don't believe. We talked more about him starting to text her again and he says he has stopped. That it is not worth loosing me over. Do I believe him? I am scared that it will start up again. Why does he feel it so important to flirt with her? He has really hurt me and he knows this but it doesn't seem to matter. He lied to me so many times. Not really sure what to do or what to believe. Please help me make sense of the whole situation. Do you think anything more ever happened?

I checked the cell phone bill this month and it says he has 103 out going texts, 75 incoming and 33 pics--This was only for 2 days. I have been keeping track how many times we text and it was 17 out, 22 in and 1 pic. I called the service provider and they will not give me any information with out a court order. I confronted him, he says he doesn't understand it--He is not talking to my friend anymore. But he did not seem concerned and since I confronted him about it, the message numbers are back to normal. Could it have been a mistake? Or he stopped?

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I doubt that he's stopped. They've just found another way to communicate. The thing is, you can't make him stop. He has to want to stop talking to her. Has anything happend? Maybe not yet but things are headed in that direction. Have you talked to her about it?

    Bookmark   October 17, 2008 at 6:41PM
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I would bet my life that somethings happened between them,and still is,hes just got clever at hiding it because he knows you are on to him.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2008 at 4:05AM
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I also think he has another way to communicate with her....they both are probably not being truthful with you. The best predictor of future behavior is past keep your ears and eyes open~~~

    Bookmark   October 18, 2008 at 10:24AM
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He's lied to you many times, & he shows every sign of continuing to lie to you.

He's proven that he cannot be trusted.

Please get yourself checked for STDs, & don't have unprotected sex with him.

You may need to be checked again in 6 months, as some STDs, the HIV virus especially, may incubate that long before the test can detect them.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2008 at 11:48AM
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Can you trust him again?
Sure - If you close your eyes real tight and deny all of the evidence that has piled up indicating he's not trustworthy.

But the simple fact is that your husband has treated you very poorly in the past, again in the recent past, and is still showing signs that he will do it again in the future if given half a chance. To me, it doesn't look like this man is worth that chance.

And I'd find another term for this woman, because 'friend' is not the right word...

    Bookmark   October 19, 2008 at 1:49PM
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Ok, I'm not really understanding why your 'friend' would tell you all this stuff about what your husband was saying to her, etc. If I felt one of my friend's husband was coming on to me or asking me not to tell their wife of our coversations, etc., I wouldn't be talking to them period. Some friend...

Quite honestly, I'd start with her in this case. Go over to her house tell her you know about the relationship...act like you found out or he told you something... and let her try to defend herself or admit what has happened. You can probably learn a lot about what is going on by acting like you know the specifics.

If you feel there is nothing too serious, or you feel you can forgive your husband, he really needs to stay away from her totally. I'd simply give him an ultimatum. Some men may think if they're not having sex, it's ok to have an emotional affair (which may be what this is -although I woudln't doubt it has turned sexual by now). If he can not agree to stay away from her, then I personally wouldn't stay with him.

Hire a PI if you don't like my confronting her to try to get at the truth idea. Can he get a detailed copy of his own phone and show you the listings if he is so innocent? Was the court order only needed because the phone wasn't in your name or can he not even get it? Have him prove to you he's not having an affair with her.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2008 at 1:56PM
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mas1724...Under the circumstances, why would you even think of bringing up any more of her car problems (or anything about her and any of her problems) up to him, and in essence, reopening this thing back up? It would seem as though this "friend" (and I use the term loosely) is dangerously close to interfering in your marriage. You husband seems to enjoy his role as her knight in shining armor, and is a bit too anxious to be her hero. I imagine most women might cool down the friendship for now. All of the texting with your husband is inappropriate.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2008 at 11:25PM
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I was married to a man whom I trusted dearly for 20 years.
My best friend for 25 years I also trusted.
I was smacked in the face with the confession from my ex that they had an affair for several years off and on. All this time he would say things about her like how can you trust her you know shes cheated on her husband, YES i knew I dint agree but I knew.
She would say my hubby was a jerk and a womanizer. They flirted in front of me all the time BUT I TRUSTED THEM BOTH. Big mistake..

    Bookmark   October 21, 2008 at 8:25AM
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