So confused!

confusedmdOctober 10, 2007

I stumbled upon this forum today and thought that maybe someone is in the same boat as me. Maybe this is more of a release then anything else but your comments are welcome. I need any advice I can get.

First and foremost, I love my wife. We've been together for a while 13 years, we've been married for 4 no children. I'm an old fashioned husband, I believe I should be the one who makes the money, provide for her and even in a way, spoil her to death. I don't ask much from her honestly. We eat out just about every day, our house is always clean (we share that responsibility). A few years ago, she came to me wanting to quit her job to do something "different". I told her that all I care about is her being happy and to do whatever makes her happy. I fully support her in anyway I can and just want to see her smile because it makes me smile.

My problem is that I feel like I get zero attention from her. Mentally & physically! This is anything from kissing her and feeling like she isn't even the leased bit interested in kissing me. I'm rejected when it comes to sex always. (Now, she does have some health issues that it doesn't make it the best for her and I understand that. The problem was there before her health issue and it will be there after.) I'm the one who is constantly doing "little things" to show her I how feel about her. I've left little notes in her car, house, bedroom, work. Everything. I get nothing in return for it. I've talked to her about it and she has said, she's to tired or she will work on it and things are great for two days and she's back in her routine. I'm treated like crap in front of her parents. To the point that I put my foot down and said, in front of her parents to never talk down to me or disrespect me in their company ever.

I honestly don't know what to do. I know she cares about me but, to her everything is perfect. To me, I wake up next to someone that I'm loosing all feeling for because I feel like I'm married to my sister instead of my wife.

Please help!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi confusedmd -

It is hard to give an opinion without knowing the other person. Wondering, did you ever ask her directly? How tired can she be? Maybe depressed?

Your situation can create a whole host of other problems. If you don't get a handle on it, the marriage will suffer. Being human, we tend to feel rejected. Intimacy is expected in marriage and it hurts to be refused. We all have the tendency to react negatively to it.

DW will take the stance that she has the right to say "no" if she doesn't feel like it. The question is why? That is where therapy comes in. If she agrees that there is problem. Often times the refusers does not see it as a problem. They are happy that way. The rejected one is all up in arms and from their point of view that is the problem not them.

I guess your best bet would be to try to get her to agree to go to counseling with you. If she won't, go alone. Even if it doesn't change the situation, you might be better able to get a fix on what is going on inside her head.

You can then adjust yourself to whatever it is. Perhaps she might make some changes. If not, you might have some tough decisions to make down the road. It seems to me that you have reached the point where you realize the game playing is getting you no where. That the situation is not likely to change if you continue on as usual.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 3:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Her health...Could she be suffering from depression either related to her health issues or something else? And, I'm not understanding, is her health condition so serious that she can't/shouldn't have sex or not? Or, does she just have like a bladder infection? How serious is her health problem... because if it is a lot more serious than you think she may resent you for not caring enough and that may be the root of the problem.

And, this may not really help, just comes from reading other threads so I thougth I'd point it out... some women equate kissing and touching and nice notes, etc with their husbands just wanting to have sex. Is it clear to her that your advances aren't necessarily meant to make it in the bedroom?

I am wondering how long her negative treatment of you has been going on... weeks, months, years? Have you read the numerous my spouse won't sleep with me posts -- you may find some ideas in them?

Is there a chance she has a lover, is gay, can't have kids and she wants them, etc. It could be a lot of things. Have you considered counseling?

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 3:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Maybe she feels that her duty as a wife is to be spoiled and accept nicities from you, but not to return them. If you have assumptions about marriage, it is safe to assume she does also. Have you ever talked about those assumptions with her? Does she want children? Does she feel that having sex without the possibility of children is wrong? Do you even know how she feels? Maybe she feels worthless in the marriage- you've stated that you don't really need her, not in so many words but she may feel that she isn't allowed to contribute anything meaningful to ther relationship.

I obviously don't you or your wife or how she feels about everything. I'm just thinking about how I would feel if my hisband never asked anything of me in our marriage, besides housework. I would feel pretty worthless. It would be hard for me to be intimate if I felt otherwise worthless.

Counseling may be a good starting point, or you may need a long talk about your expectations in marriage. Just because you've been together for a long time doesn't mean you're on the same page about everything.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 8:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dump her and marry me! You sound like a dreamboat!

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 9:32PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think this is one of those things where men usually say, "I just don't understand women" and they're probably warranted in this case.

I think most women SAY that they want a "sensitive" man, but sometimes being overly sensitive/attentive can be a bit of a turnoff - especially if she is a particularly independent, self assured woman.

I struggled through a little bit of something similar when I first met my fiance. He smothered me with affection and little niceities and sweetness, and instead of jumping for joy - I just felt smothered. I think another poster commented that it might make her feel worthless (in a strange irony) - and I think that poster is on to something. Some romance is good, but it's more powerful and sometimes more satisfying to know that your partner respects you as more than a romantic partner. I was single for a long time before I met him and was stubbornly independent. I didn't like suddenly being plopped into the "honey,sweetie,snookums" role and wanted my accomplishments and independence to still be respected.

A balanced approach to romance is better than overkill. I used to feel like he was being overly possessive and/or was insecure in himself so he was constantly doing it to reassure himself that he was a good partner. After a few fights and some good conversations, I think we found a good balance. He backed off a little because he realizes that I don't need it/want it and I stepped up my own efforts at making him feel special b/c I know how important it is to him.

I think for some women it also signifies a lack of manliness. Most women, even those married to the "sensitive" types, get a little turned on when a man can be a man (stereotypically speaking).

So maybe try backing off a little and see what happens. Also - you might try talking about it more and ask her if she feels smothered/uncomfortable with it.

All that said, I do realize I'm marrying one of the sweetest men around and given a choice, I'll take too many flowers and "I love you's" over being without him any day.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 11:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
popi_gw Thats what I thought !

You know, I think it is a delicate balance between being made a fuss about, by a husband, and it becoming annoying and off putting. Perhaps she feels stiffled.

Perhaps if you pull back a bit, with all the wonderful things you do...she may miss it.

But realistically, communication is the best way to go. She has issues and she needs to talk to you about them. Does she feel comfortable about really opening up to you, about what is troubling her ? Are you judgemental ? Or do you just listen and let her vent ?

One thing that did trouble me.....

"To the point that I put my foot down and said, in front of her parents to never talk down to me or disrespect me in their company ever."

Its good that you stood up for yourself in that situation...but did you speak to her how a father would speak to a disobediant child, or did you speak along the lines of "darling, I would prefer it if you did not speak like that about me".

Tread gently my friend, gain some good communication skills, so you can get to the problem.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 3:46AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

She isn't worthless in the marriage and I hope I didn't come across as to saying that my wife is. When I spoil her it isn't all the time. I do it just because and, honestly no other reason. The cards, little notes, sometimes I'll give them to her one or two a day for a week and then go two or three months without doing it. My thoughts in our marriage is that I need to do whatever I can every day to make her smile. Someone said that it sounded like I don't need her. I do need her, for many reasons. The needs are more emotional then anything else but, I need her. That's why I'm so upset about this.

The sex situation is strange. Like I said, she does have a health issue now. I realize that it might be hard or painful to have sex and I understand that.We can be intimate without having sex but she refuses. The strange thing is she will give me every sign in the world (touching in certain areas) that she would like to be intimate, when I'm aroused, she ends it. I'm left with I didn't want it to go that far, I just like your body. I'm the bad guy for wanting to be close to my spouse.

When I put my foot down, I maybe didn't do it the nicest way but, after being insulted so many times in their company, I had no choice. I realize life isn't about all of the nice things that I've done for her. This might sound selfish (I'm anything but selfish trust me) but, what the hell am I getting out of this marriage? A wife who put's me down in front of her parents? It's been so awkward that her father has looked at me as to say, "I can't believe she just said that about you!" I honestly had no choice but to put an end to it.

I've tried to tell her how I feel. Several times over the last two to three years. I honestly just feel that I'm married to my sister and not my wife.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 9:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I know it may be too personal, but what is her specific health problem? Are you dealing with like an STD or something more like ovarian cancer? I really think it may be more relevant than you think. She may feel so disappointed/ ashamed that she has to let you down sexually, that she is lashing out and/or not wanting to be intimate at all.

"I honestly had no choice but to put an end to it". That's an odd way to describe asking/telling your wife not to talk to you a certain way. Hopefully, I'm just not reading it well. Does she lash out at you when no one else is around?... because it sort of sounds like a cry for help (she wants others to see you the way she does..although her rampages may not even appear rational). Not saying you're doing anything wrong; but she may think you are and want validation from others.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No, she doesn't have anything like cancer or std's. It's chrons disease.

Don't read into "honestly I had no choice...". My feeling is that I've never disrespected her in front of my parents, and I've never disrespected her in front of hers. It was more of I refuse to be beaten up over nothing. It is nagging, I don't do this right, I don't do that right. I make jokes to her (not at her) and it's to her a chance to insult me. Now, I will say that when I said what I did in front of her parents, things changed. I've never stood up for myself in front of them for the simple fact that it's something between my wife and I. It doesn't concern them however, I can't stand the fact that I'm put down all of the time. It's almost as though she can't handle the fact that people look at her as the "trophy wife". I don't know.

I think to her, their isn't a problem. I think to her, everything is perfect. That's what's so messed up. Last week, I tried kissing her (not a peck) but tried to really kiss her. I got nothing in return, nothing but a peck! I explain it to her that when ever her needs need to be met, they are met. No exceptions (even when I'm exhausted or don't feel like it). When my needs need to be met, they aren't. They are thrown out our window and run over. It's all about her and I guess deep down, I've always known it. I've just accepted it until now. I'm tired of it. My options, are open. I want things to work. What's so hard about pleasing me? Am I selfish? Like I said, the health issue I understand. It's more intimacy then sex. I can live without sex, I can't live without intimacy and passion. If I were to get her sexually aroused and excited to just roll out of bed and say "I gotta run, see ya"! I'd expect her to go nuts on me. Her pleasure is my pleasure. I don't get it!

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 11:07AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ok, I didn't even read anything after you first sentence.

If your wife has Crohn's -- and you don't think it is relevant, you're sadly mistaken. I help run support groups for a different chronic illness, and I can tell you, the fact that a spouse does not understand or down plays an ailment is one of the number one problems and reasons marriages break up. Crohns is not something you just wake up one day with...she's probably had it for years before diagnosis...thus, your statement "The problem was there before her health issue and it will be there after" is irrelevant. Plus, Crohns does not just go away so I don't understand the "there after" comment either. I would go back and read my first post on this thread. She probably may resent you for not caring about her disease enough (or even knowing how to spell it -- ok, I'm bad at spelling too, but you should know how to spell your wife's aliment).

If you want to save your marriage, look up everything you can on Crohn's and Living with Chronic Diseases. It is very, very serious to a person that has it. Below is a link for a book; I have not read it, but there are many on the site to choose from. I would highly suggest you read some if you haven't already. Sorry, if you have already done all this; I'm just assuming that the condition has been down played by you; maybe it hasn't...but I'll tell you this, in the suppost group I head, many people with chonic illnesses would trade a bout of cancer anyday over having to live daily with a disease that will never be cured and that people don't understand the severity of.

You may even consider looking into and going to some support groups in your area with her.

Here is a link that might be useful: Living with Chronic Illness

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 11:54AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

From a woman who fell in love with and then 3 yrs later dumped a guy who was gaga over me, my coment is simply that as a woman with her own interests, I was turned off by the complete lack of challenge for me to contribute more to the relationship. I ended up feeling that it took less than basic effort to satisfy this guy, If i cooked it was great, if i didn't then we just went out,and so on and so on.

I mean he would compromise himself, in other areas too, to the point that I felt he had no lasting needs. I ended up loosing respect for him and all physical attraction soon followed the respect out the door.

I need a guy that needs me to HELP HIM in some way regularly, not make it soo easy for me to do whatever I want. There is no satisfaction where there is no effort for me.

The last week we were together, when I realised that I couldn't last with him was when I found myself saying to a friend, "his ex MIL is coming into town, he asked me to cook, but we can go out for drinks, he'll make her come meet us." WHAT! Judging myself a little harshly, I am not regularly a selfish woman, but this guy demanded no respect from me, he was too easy to walk over, again I couldn't continue respecting him. I broke it off two days later.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Havent any of you ladies had your men get all up in your business when they want sex? Then you give it to them and they ignore you? (Ok,maybe not ignore,but they arent up in your sauce anymore)
This guy hasnt had it's no wonder he's following her around like a puppy.Where else could he get it from?

Meanwhile his following her around may be putting her off sex even more.

ConfusedMD~ You have already said your wife insults you in front of her parents. So stop meeting all her needs until she can meet some of yours.
Next time she wants you to please her,tell her flat out,
"I pleased you last time and you left me hangin.What's in this for me?"

I'm gonna have to agree with AISHA that it does sound like you dont respect yourself much.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2007 at 1:42AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Great advice from plasticgarden, make HER DO SOMETHING FOR YOU, doesn;e have to be in the area of sex, but need something from her regularly, make her feel like SHE needs to contribute more. And stick to your guns, she will have to respect you more.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2007 at 4:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Confused, what I am getting from yours posts, is that you are very frustrated with your situation. The opinion of others is not as important as your own opinion. You can't fix DW, only yourself. She may never tell you why or even know why herself. If you are going to live with DW, then you should start to work on yourself. You can't get into anyone elses "head". Trying to react to our analyze what is going on inside someone's mind. You don't have the facts and will be operating on assumptions. If you continue, you will go out of your own mind.

I note that DW has a chronic illness which can become very serious and even life threatening. From what I understand, it can involve bleeding. Sometimes, the colon has to be removed. It can also go into remission and that it is exacerbated, made worse by stress. DW has to live with it and it might consume her with worries and fears. This, I don't know. But, if so, certainly you should take that into consideration.

Considering all of the circumstances I still can empathize with your situation. It is not a happy one. It would be great if DW could see the harm it is doing to your relationship. If there is Love, then a joint effort to stabalize the situation could be undertaken.

Perhaps, you act so "nice" in an effort to reduce her stress in the hope she might return your affection.

If it is not working, then some other avenue of approach should be opened up.

Take care.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2007 at 4:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What you are doing isn't working--so try being completely different. YOu need to be very up front about what you want and how you expect her to act. Set some goals for the marriage, and stop being so helpful. Why don't you expect to have her cook several nights a week. You've said she doesn't work. Next time she wants to meet with her folks--don't go. Explain, you hate how she treats you when you go together, so she should go by herself until she can guarantee she will act better.
Spoiled brats aren't born--they are encouraged. You need to tell her what you want. I suggest you get a life for yourself--join a bowling league, etc.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2007 at 8:15PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
"Friend" Marriage
I have been looking up posts for months that relate...
husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???
We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are...
Husband treats me like crap! How do i stop it?
My Husband and I have been married for almost 5 years....
Why do marriages go stale?
Senario: two people in their 50+ meet, both from loveless,...
Fight every time I have work/interview
What is the psychology behind this? We have both been...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™