Please Help......

devoted3003October 30, 2007

I spoke to a collegue of mine (who I'd liked for ages) for the first time at the very beginning of the year and we immediately clicked. We get on so well and have become quite good friends. I go for lunch with him and a few others quite regularly and we do nothing but laugh!

Anyway, I now have very strong feelings for him but the problem is he is engaged to be married. We had a night out in march and we kissed when we were drunk and we both agreed we liked each other. I told him how I felt but we agreed things couldn't go further because he is getting married. From what I've heard him say and others say I don't think he is totally happy with the girl he is with and a couple of people think he won't go through with the wedding. Everytime I see him I get butterflies in my stomach and I get so nervous I cannot talk. He loves to take the mickey out of me and he gives me the most sexiest looks ever.

Then last weekend we were texting while we were out drinking (seperately) and he invited me to join him. I told him that if he wanted me as badly as I want him, he would come to where I was and the next thing I knew he was in a taxi on his way. Anyway, we had a great night and kissed again. It is clear there is an attraction both ways but he said it could only ever be a one night stand for him but he couldn't do that to me as he cares too much for me so we didn't go any further and again we agreed to stay friends. The thing is, I feel so strongly for him and I know I always will. The attraction is always going to be there. He is one of my greatest friends and I don't want to lose that. The fact he is getting married is so hard. Everytime I see him I just want to hol him. He knows how much he means to me. I don't want to feel this way about him anymore as the fact nothing is ever going to happen is starting to really hurt me. I've never felt this way before, please help. How can I see him as just a friend without longing for more?? I don't want to steal anyones man and I can't not go to lunch with him and the others because my other friendships will suffer. I just want to see him and be friends with him and nothing more, please help.

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asolo

World of hurt ahead. Get out. Get away. Forget it.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 12:23PM
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tenderchichi

devoted 3003-

I underscore asolo.

Run away as fast as you can and get it out of your head!

If he were free, then it would be different.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 2:47PM
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western_pa_luann

He's taken... and you deserve better than to be 'the other woman".

Move on... and forget him.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 3:55PM
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devoted3003

I dont want anything romantic. Hes one of my best friends and he means the world to me. Its hard to forget him when I see him at work everyday. I don't want to lose our friendship and I can't just forget him altogether.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 4:15PM
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sweeby

"I dont want anything romantic."

Yes you do.

And for that reason, you can't just have a simple friendship.
You can dress it up all you like, but it is what it is...

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 4:21PM
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asolo

Listen to sweeby!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 4:29PM
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devoted3003

i did at first but now I dont i want to get rid of these feelings. I wouldn't be asking advice on how to do that if I wanted things to go further

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 4:36PM
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tenderchichi

devited3003 -
I don't think you can help your feelings. You can only control your behavior. The following is an explanation as to what happens when you are struck with it. This is a small excerpt. I think we have all experienced this to a degree. It is due to the unrequited nature of the relationship. You sense that there is a return of feelings but something is blocking the response for various reasons. In your situation, it is because he is committed elsewhere. The only way you would know for sure is if he ended the other relationship and could no longer use it as an excuse. If he, then, refused you it would be final and you could move on.

It is a very unpleasant situation to find oneself in.

Limerence from Wikipedia:
Explanation
"Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses "having a crush" on (or infatuation with) someone else although limerence, unlike a crush, can last months, years or even a lifetime. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated."

Here is a link to the article:

Here is a link that might be useful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 4:49PM
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devoted3003

Thx for your advice and I do understand what your saying but he wants to be friends just as much me and I will try my very hardest to see him as only a friend. I will congratualte him when he gets married and I will be happy for him and eventually these feelings will go.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 5:05PM
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colleenoz

So, don't date him. Don't text him. Don't see him alone. By doing this you are opening the door to more than just friendship, as you have seen. If he is in a group you are with, fine, but don't give him sexy looks or suggestions, and don't allow him to do so to you (by responding favourably when he does, you encourage him).
Frankly, he sounds like a bit of a heel to me, since he is coming on to you even though he is committed elsewhere. If he is not happy in his choice of fiancee the honourable thing to do would be to break it off cleanly, not start an affair with a co-worker. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I see you being set up for a very unhappy time.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 7:46PM
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kioni

Oh. My. Goodness. Can you imagine things another way? How about you are engaged to this 'wonderful' guy, and he's got this "friendship/could only be a one night stand offer" going on with another woman? What are your morals and level of integrity?

I would have a difficult time remaining friends with someone who'd revealed this to me. I would casually distance myself from this person. Find someone who would choose you to be their one and only. Not this guy.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 9:22PM
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micke

It sounds like he is setting you up. He makes you think he doesn't want to hurt you yadayadayada, some men are real slick talkers.
I would stop being friends with him, I know you don't want too but think about this, how would you feel if you were the fiancee?? Even just kissing another person to me is cheating, even if he was to break it off with the fiancee once a cheater always a cheater. I would always be wondering if he was cheating on me for you already know that he has done it with one woman. Friends do not treat friends this way plain and simple. A true friend would never do anything to hurt you and he is hurting you. It would be different if he wasn't "messing" with your mind.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 9:29PM
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carla35

I generally don't think men and woman can be good friends without romantic feelings being involved, and I find it doubly so in your particular case. Your feelings are just too strong. You are only torturing yourself. Regardless of what you say or what you are trying to convince yourself of, you want more than a friendship with this man. You need to distance yourself from this man at all costs. Do not try to remain friends; you are only using it as an excuse because you want to remain close to him; it will only make matters for you worse. At this point it is all or nothing; and he can't give you all so you must learn to deal with nothing. Forget the friendship.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2007 at 9:31PM
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popi_gw

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is cheating on his fiance ? Is this REALLY the sort of person who you would consider a friend ?

You simply cannot be friends with someone who you are attracted to, it doesn't work. You are setting yourself up for a big fall, lots of heartache.

You will be heartbroken when he marries. The will be more trouble if he continues to see you then !

Gee, think of his poor fiance. Imagine yourself in her shoes.

I think you know what to do, my friend.

Let your head rule what you do, not your heart.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 2:12AM
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plasticgarden

Oh Devoted...I have been where you are at.Except my "friend" that I was in love with was a bit more then a friend before he met his girlfriend.
He strung me along,and like a heart sick puppy I followed.

I could have had him too.One night we went to a club,all of us,including his girlfriend.They started fighting so she left.I too had a bad night and went in the bathroom crying.When I came out...someone put their arms around my waist and kissed my cheek.I turned and thought it was this guy I was dating and it was my "friend".
He said coyly,"You didnt think it would be me,did you?"
Then he started kissing me and told me he'd take me home.

When we got to my place,he said he was going to sleep in his car.I told him not to be stupid he could sleep on the couch.
He made it clear that he would like to have sex with me,but I just went on up to bed.I wasnt going to mess with him while he had a girlfriend,it's so not my style!

Anyhow,after that I didnt go around him anymore.My heart was broken because of course that wasnt what I wanted.

A few months later they broke up because she cheated on him.By then...I had met someone else.He moved to another state and I never saw him again.
He had told mutual friends that he really did care about me and wished he had been with me instead of his girlfriend.When were just friends though (before his girlfriend came along)he had really messed with my mind~one day he wanted me,the next he thought we should only be friends!!!

I wish I could give you some concrete advice.But even as I write this story,I'm not sure what my message is about it.
Part of me thinks in terms of "The grand gesture",and that in order to acheive big,sometimes we must take risks,chances.But that is a fool's paradise and Hollywood brainwashing.
The more logical part says,if they are really not meant to be,then they wont. If they fight and stuff,then if you back off it's possible they wont be together in a few months anyway.If that happens,then if he shows up,you could give it a go.
What I worry about for you,is getting used by him,if you decide to "give in" to those feelings one night. He has already said it couldnt be more then a one night thing.You would feel SO MUCH WORSE if he didnt talk to you after that and tried to avoid you.
And,sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.Trust me,I have ruined a few great ones that way.

I'm going to air that since he isnt married yet,he is still fair game.But it doesnt make it right...
Tread carefully! And remember,if he does cheat on her with you,if you get together,he will most likely do the same to you.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:00AM
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devoted3003

I don't want to get together with him anymore though because it would ruin things and he is engaged. We have deleted each others numbers so we can't text each other when we have been drinking. I won't allow myself to sleep with him even if he offered because I know what it would be like afterwards. He says he cares too much for me to hurt me with a one night stand but because he is engaged that is all it could ever be and he would rather not hurt me.
Since he said that we have stopped texting and we avoided each other for a bit and it hurt like hell. Now we don't avoid each other and its a little awkward but we will get back to the way we were. I won't give in to my feelings because I don't want them anymore. I've nearly lost his friendship once and I don't want to go through that again. He means too much to me.
A good quote I once heard in a film and I think its kinda true is: "I'm scared to be your friend as I'm afraid I'll always want something more. But thinking about it, I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all"
I just want to stop these feelings and remain friends.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 5:37AM
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carla35

That's a crappy quote probably form a crappy movie. Bet the friend in the quote did end up as the lover, right? (which is not gonna happen to you) or, maybe that quote is from that awful movie "My Best Friends Wedding" which just overly romanticising everything. You are not a movie!

You can not remain friends with a man who is getting married when you have strong feelings for him; give it up!

Look, I'm all for you letting him know how you feel since he's only engaged and not married yet. Fair game, IMHO. But, I pretty much think that's all out in the open and he has made his decision and it's not you. He's not sleeping with you and it's not because he cares so much for you (give me a break). He knows it would complicate his life, it could get back to his finace, or you could start to stalk him or something. Maybe even there is a shred of decency in him and he truly loves his fiance. But he doesn't love you; if he really wanted you, hon, he would have you... don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. HE"S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

And, I'm curious, what is so great about your past friendship with him that you just can't lose? I've never had a friendship with a guy that I felt I just couldn't lose... Did you grow up with him? I bet you've just known him at work and you sort of click and flirt a little and complain about the others with him. Your posts about him seem despearate and your own thoughts appear to be those of a person in love, not in a friendship.

Until you start acting like a friend yourself, you really shouldn't refer to youself as one. A true friend, would know the score, and step aside to insure that their friend was happy in their marriage and not try to cause any problems for them. You will be causing problems by trying to remain a friend with him. Don't you get that? Would you want your husband to have a "friend" like you?

So, in summary. You are not his lover, and not a true friend. So go elsewhere to meet both your love and friendship needs. The only person you're fooling is yourself.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 10:16AM
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bnicebkind

Devoted....I have bumped up another post titled "In love with a man engaged to be married" by nurse Christine.

Thought it might give you a glimpse into someone else who found herself in the same situation.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 10:37AM
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sylviatexas1

"He says he cares too much for me to hurt me with a one night stand but because he is engaged that is all it could ever be and he would rather not hurt me."

What he's telling you here is that the ball is now in your court:
He's *told* you all he'll have with you is a one-night stand.
He's *told* you he's engaged.
He's *told* you he knows it would hurt you.

He's covered his a$$, & he's waiting for your poor little lovesick self to give in to your "heart" & maybe have a few drinks some night & call him...
& it'll be *your* decision, & he'll be totally blameless, & when word gets back to his fiancee, & it will, he'll tell her that he is contrite, that he reallly loves her, but that you just were obsessed with him, wouldn't leave him alone, & that you took advantage of his emotions in a weak moment or his physical needs in an alcoholic moment.

Men are narcotics, & we women are susceptible to whatever drug it is that they secrete.

We get so intoxicated by the nearness, by the allure of them, that we believe the unbelieveable & we can't see anything but the one we're in love with.

We can't even see ourselves.

Get *away* from this guy;
no phone calls, no 'accidental' bumping into him, no getting together, no alcohol, no contact of any kind.

Get clean.

Stay clean for a month.

My prediction is that he'll get married & never look your way again, which is wonderful, because you sound like much too caring & giving & loving a person to get mired in a nasty situation with someone who'll entice a vulnerable single woman to hook up with him for sex & who'll betray a woman who thinks she has his unconditional love & loyalty.

Re-gain your sense of self & hang on to it, & post here any time your resolve needs reinforcement.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 1:14PM
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devoted3003

I wont give in to my feelings though as I know it would ruin things and I cant ring him anymore because I have deleted his number.

Things are starting to back get to the way they were already. I went to lunch with him and a load of others and it was like nothing have ever happened. We all laughed and joked. I know through all of this that we can both remain friends.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 2:00PM
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carla35

"I cant ring him anymore because I have deleted his number".

Do you REALLY think that means anything??? Come on, you could easily get his number if you wanted it. Life isn't so simple that you can just delete people's numbers from your phone and all your feelings for them will go away. So, maybe it makes a booty call a little harder... but something tells me you probably know his number by heart or it's just a 411 call away anyway.

Unlike sylvia, I don't think you sound like you're 'too caring & giving & loving a person to get mired in a nasty situation...' I think you are exactly the type of woman that would and will continue to put yourself in this 'friendship' siutuation with him. In the long run, I think you will get what you deserve beacause you are only thinking of yourself.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 2:56PM
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devoted3003

It won't be that easy to get his number at all and no i dont know it off by heart. Yes i will continue to put myself in this friendship situation because its what we botrh want. we have talked and we both want to remain friends, I am not only thinking of myself

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 3:08PM
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carla35

But it is not good for him..."wants" don't matter here.... If you really CARE about him, you would realize it will probably only hurt him and his marriage in the long run. You are only truly caring about YOURSELF.

And, you are LYING to yourself (and us) by saying it is about keeping some friendship. People aren't so desperate to keep friendships. And, they aren't afraid to have their friends phone numbers either. You can try to convince yourself you are just friends, but you are hooked on him like a drug like slyvia mentioned. You aren't fooling anyone here, just yourself.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:03PM
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sylviatexas1

so, being good friends & all, have you been to the bride-to-be's wedding shower?

have you taken her out for tea or drinks?

been to dinner with them?

visited the home where they'll live?

have you received your invitation to the wedding?

Does she know your name?

I agree with everyone here who has been kind enough, generous enough, concerned enough, to post thoughtful responses trying to help you:

this is *not* a "friendship".

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:16PM
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amyfiddler

Look up emotional affairs. It's very very difficult to convince someone else they are in one, because they maintain "but i'm not acting on it. we're just friends."

Does his fiancee know about you? Would you be ashamed if she found out how you feel about him and how he feels about you and the fact that you still want to maintain some type of relationship?

You wouldn't have posted here if you weren't struggling. Remember to act based on your head, not on your feelings, and also remember that when people act incongruently to their values, their self esteem drops. Depression sets in. It's a tough road. It's much easier in the long run to close this chapter and make friends everywhere else - rise above it!!!!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 4:20PM
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popi_gw

I feel sorry for the fiance, she is in for a rocky road, with such a manipulative man.

In fact maybe you should drop some hints as to what is going on.

Go out with another guy, find a boyfriend.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 5:10PM
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devoted3003

Yes I do know he his fiancee, she used to work at the same place and Ive spoke to her a few times. I am acting on my head and not my heart. Its not easy to just drop everything we have when we have to work together. I go for lunch with him and a group of others and I cant not do that because my other friendships will suffer. neither one of us wants to take it further anymore. I will congratulate him at the wedding and be happy for him.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 5:34PM
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bnicebkind

Devoted, did you read the post "Involved with a man engaged to be married" by nurse Christine? Well worth the read.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 6:10PM
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bnicebkind

Devoted, did you read the post "Involved with a man engaged to be married" by nurse Christine? Well worth the read.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 6:11PM
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amyfiddler

So if I'm understanding correctly -

You're not asking what you should DO, so all the suggestions to 'end the relationship' are met with argument -

You're asking how do you stop feeling strong feelings for this person. Correct?

So here's how you do it. Wean yourself off, by NOT going to lunch. I'm sure your friends will understand, so long as you foster those friendships in other ways - cute notes, phone calls, inexpensive gifts to say I'm thinking about you, etc - then you beg off lunch and workout or go for walks or something else instead.

If you MUST work with him, so be it. If you can get a job elsewhere, that's the best thing. Before you argue that point, as i know jobs are not easily come by - remember, you asked HOW to stop the feelings. Absence is the best way to start.

Then, focus your attention on other things. Do things to build yourself up - make yourself a better person for the RIGHT guy when he comes along.

Good move to erase his number - best to erase his presence from your life. No excuses -

Finally, in those quiet moments when you "miss" him, remember that people are consistent, and if he would cheat on her, he'd cheat on anyone. This is not a keeper - you are in love with how he makes you feel about yourself, not with who he is - unless you are not seeing the whole picture, or unless you find disloyalty attractive. Be honest with yourself with who he really is, and then figure out what it is about you that leads you to have such strong feelings for an unavailable, manipulative individual. It could be the key to your success in relationships in the future.

Good luck to you. Remember, those addicted to substances know that in order to quiet the desire they must stay away from all things, all places and all people that remind them of their guilty pleasures - you'll need to do the same. It is possible, but only if you REALLY want that. Otherwise, you'll simply sabotage yourself with excuses - in which case, your question here was only an attempt to massage those attachment feelings even more.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2007 at 11:01PM
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tenderchichi

Devoted3003 -

As tough as it may sound, everyone here has given you meaningful, good advice.

The man in question is not a nice person.

He is engaged to someone and toying with you.

The more you think about him, the more you will think about him. The only way to help yourself is to make a concious decision to stop every time you do. In the beginning it will be tough. Give it a little time. Whenever you think of him imagine him to be a monster that wants to kill you.

I have feelings of dislike for him because he is teasing you.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 1:37AM
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knittingfool1

Next time you get the urge to call or text him, think of his fiance and how she would feel. You would never want another woman to do that to you, so don't do it to her.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 12:36PM
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