Lonely, sad & desperate.

Lonely_AngelOctober 9, 2013

My husband is a truck driver. He used to come home and we would have a little honeymoon then he would be back on the road.

His sleeping patterns have changed over the past 2 years and so has his need for intimacy. We went from a healthy sex life - extremely frequent (prior to truck driving) to non-existent. He has some impotent issues - that he won't see a doctor for, which has definitely effected his desire.

Our marriage has mostly been a joke. Even though I believe he loves me, his childhood and war experiences have distanced him from me and our children.

Our children are grown now, but life with him has always been emotionally difficult. Now before you ask why I stay, I stay because most of my family has passed and he is my family. I take my vows seriously and I do not believe in divorce.

Our children live with us, which is a problem. My daughter is just 20 and in school - so that doesn't seem to bother him much. (she's being proactive with bettering her life). My son on the other hand is ex-Army. He wanted to make it a career but got kicked out because of runner's knee & scoliosis. He does chores on our farm but has no ambition. I KNOW that their lack of prosperity is weighing heavily on my husband and is most likely causing many problems within our marriage.

I just want to make it know that I am lonely & sad and I want more intimacy. It doesn't even have to be sex. I just want to cuddle, but he won't even sleep in our bed. (he sleeps on the couch). Sometimes I think he does this to punish me because he knows it really bothers me.

My feelings are pretty raw and fragile, but if anyone could just give me some encouraging suggestions I would be eternally grateful. Thank you.

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Sorry I can't give you any encouragement. He is the only one that can tell you. I have an idea but it would not be encouraging at all.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2013 at 6:12PM
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Dear L,S and D,
I really feel for you! Life is precious and it is short. Too short to be unhappy and to look at your future as a long, lonely road. But are you unhappy enough to take action?

You say your husband has war issues, is he willing to talk to a veteran's counselor? If not, will YOU do it? You have no family left and you will need support and back up, much more than you can get here.

The question is, are you willing to struggle to have a better life? Or are you just resigned to being stuck? Seems like somebody here has to man up and try to change things. I know it isn't easy, but look at the alternative.

I truly wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2013 at 3:10AM
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When people say they are lonely and want a spouse, I tell them there are 2 kinds of lonely. Lonely when you are living alone and lonely and when you are married. I prefer alone and lonely. I get lonely sometime but my life is to good to marry and take a chance of being lonely with someone. I had to many years like that. I have no stress like you are going through now.

Will you settle for living the rest of your life as it is now? If you do, you need to try to adjust to it, redirect your thinking to other things and not dwell on your situation as it is now.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2013 at 10:01PM
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Your post does sound very lonely and sad.

I think if YOU took action, you might be in a better frame of mind. In essence, you are blaming your situation on your sadness. I know that sounds harsh, we all do it- but we can decide to change things.

Perhaps if you changed the dynamics a bit - got out of the house, took a course, learnt something, did some volunteer work - anything - just something different, then things at home may change.

You really don't have to just "settle" for life - do you ?

    Bookmark   October 13, 2013 at 2:27AM
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I am sorry. It's clear you are very lonely and unhappy and for good reason.

It sounds to me as if you have several issues going on at once and each needs to be addressed separately:

1) If your husband has "war issues" (PTSD?) there are veterans' groups to give him support. Even smaller communities or the county seat will have some sort veterans' advocate so you do not have to have access to a VA hospital to get some help.

An advocate can also help you hook up with support groups or services for spouses. In your case it seems clear both your son and your husband are facing challenges, so you are struggling on two fronts.

If you are a churchgoer, it is also appropriate to talk to your pastor about any help the church may have available. Stress confidentiality if that is important to you.

2) Regarding the impotence, it's important for your husband to have a medical check-up. You don't need to approach it as an intimacy issue. Truck drivers have all sorts of health problems (like kidney and back issues) associated with long periods on the road and for overall health it's important to identify anything that might be going on.

3) I can understand your husband's anger and frustration if he feels trapped by children still dependent while young adults. It sounds as if your daughter is on the right track but it's appropriate to work with your son regarding long-term plans for independence. He needs a specific plan and a timeframe, i.e. on his own in an apartment or shared housing within six months or whatever timeframe is appropriate. Also, if he can't find full-time work can he find a part-time job to lighten the financial burden?

4) Your own happiness and independence - you don't mention whether you are employed outside the home but if not, a part-time job and activities with social groups through your church or community would reduce your social isolation and make you a happier companion when your husband is home.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2013 at 8:01PM
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Thank you all for the help. I don't mean to sound so pathetic.

My husband has been home now for quite a while, more so than usual. He is gone from our home till late and still sleeps on the couch.

I guess he might have a girlfriend. I have accused him before and he just blows up but he won't kiss/touch me.

I am working. I do volunteer work - which I enjoy (& he seems to always try & ruin it for me). I work out at the gym & decided that it was for me & I was going to do it no matter what. I have been thinking of talking to the local pastor. I am acquainted with him through my volunteer work. He is very nice & I think it would benefit me to speak with him. I think I will just work on myself & try to focus on myself. Since my first post my son has found a job to apply for...ya. Hopefully he gets it. It's part time (30 hrs) & he would get summers off so he can work on our farm.

Hopefully by bettering myself I can get to the point where I am strong enough to make the right decision when the time comes.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2013 at 11:49PM
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You're showing a lot of strength and resilience in a difficult situation. Regardless of what happens with your husband, you can always work on your own circumstances, which is what you are wisely doing.

Best of luck.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2013 at 11:57PM
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Good for you. You go, girl!

    Bookmark   October 17, 2013 at 9:13AM
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I second that! We can rarely change other people, we can only change ourselves.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2013 at 9:35PM
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