I've had enough...

girlsingardensOctober 8, 2007

I have had enough of my DH and am ready to leave. I stay at home with our 4,2 and 2 month old kids. Granted I am not the best housekeeper in the world, but no matter what I do DH is not happy. He doesn't help out, leaves clothes laying, plates by his chair, helpswith the kids maybe once a week then complains about it. All I ever get is yelling about me being lazy and that I need to get ajob and how worthless I am. I can't handle it anymore. I need some help from him not yelling. With 3 little ones time is precious. I f I do some canning for food for winter I hear that it is a hobby and I should do something worthwhile. If I do get things done in the morning and lay down in the afternoon after being up with the baby then I am lazy andhear just how nice it must be to take a nap.

I have had just about enough of this. He has no clue what my day is like breastfeeding changing diapers and chasing kids. I am tired of being rundown and treated like dirt.


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My heart goes out to you he is being a jerk. I remember those days they are very hectic. Get him to take care of the kids for a few hours tell him you need a break, pump a bottle and do this when the baby will get up , let him see what it is like also get him some info on baby blues we all suffer from them whether we realize it or not. You did not make these 3 little ones yourself therefore he needs to step up to the plate and be there. As for you doing canning for the winter I commend you for working so hard for your family. And if all fails get him that CD Mr.Mom, life is no bowl of cherries with children that young. Tell him if he wants a maid hire one you are his wife not his maid.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 9:05AM
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time --
And it does sound like he's being an unsupportive, verbally abusive jerk.

Some men have no clue how much work is involved taking care of small children. Just no clue... While it doesn't sound like a total 'cure' it might be very helpful if you could arrange for an 'emergency' to take you away from home for enough time for your husband to get a real understanding of what's involved.

But before you do, you'll need to disable his escape routes. In other words, clue in gramdmas, sisters, neighbors as to what you're doing and why. If Hubby can bail out, he won't get it.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 9:20AM
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Sadly, I think even if you try to make your husband get it by leaving the kids with him for a while, he's just not. Unless it's a very long vacation (and I take it with breastfeeding you can't do that), men just aren't going to do the things we do...he'll skip of giving the kids baths, won't do the grocery shopping, won't clean the toilet, or make the doctor appointments, or clean the koolaid that went under the fridge, or read to the kids at night. His 4 hours with them may not be all that hectic if he lays the two little ones down for their naps early (messing up your schedule, of course), 'forgets' to change diapers, doesn't do the laundry, etc... I've seen cases where in 'experiments' like these (I think it was on Oprah), it only makes these men think it's even easier. You get the drift.

I don't know what the answer is. My husband was never really mean, but I still felt like I wasn't dong all that I should. But I put things in perspective; I stay home to raise my kids. I am not a maid or a cook -- sometimes that stuff all gets linked together when it really shouldn't especially when you have 3 little ones. Your job is to take care of the kids? Sometimes you just can't get other stuff done when you have to take care of kids. If he wants the house cleaned, let him clean it or hire someone to. Do you have any married-with-kids male friends that could talk to him? I know times can be stressful for everyone, but he really shouldn't be talking to or treating you the way he does. It's bad enough that he's not helping, he doesn't have to be harassing you too. Maybe some counseling would be in order too.

Simply put, he's got to know you're tired and trying your best...if he doesn't, that's his problem...and I'd rather be a bad housekeeper than a complete idiot.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 12:03PM
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I wonder if your husband is re-playing old scripts that HIS father said to his mother? What are his views on women in general? Is he passing on what his boss says about him at work?

I'm definitely not making excuses for him, because there is no excuse for disrespectful behavior. But I just want to see if he's "fixable" or not?

Meantime, I really suggest you see about some counseling. If he won't go, go yourself. You need some emotional support and you need to NOT internalize his negative remarks about you or your role. Good luck!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 4:14PM
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Stacie, I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are a wonderful, warm, thoughtful person and an outstanding mother and wife. What your husband is doing to you is simply horrible.

I went through a very similar situation in my marriage. Different circumstances, but the same treatment. Email me if you want to talk and get whatever advice I feel might help you. Click on my user name and a link to my email is there.


    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 11:34PM
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I feel bad for you. I really don't have an answer. Nothing you could say to this guy would matter. I really doubt that it would. You could talk and talk and he would never really hear you because he sounds very self-centered. I could be wrong and hope I am. I strongly suggest individual counseling so YOU don't start believing what he says about you. What do you say when he says all this stuff to you? My guess is that even if you get a job you will still be responsible for everything around the house and he will still degrade you. If things don't get better you may need to look at things like financial security and getting a job may be in the future for you. I really believe that my husband doesn't care about me ( I could site tons of examples), and I KNOW he doesn't respect me. I do almost everything and he simply
just expects it and is not at all thankful..........but,he isn't as mean as you are describing. He plays a TON of mind games, etc. It is all very covert. But when I decide to go I can take care of myself and two kids. I have a degree and a good job. That is good to have. I know it would be hard since you have three kids, but please look to the future. I am not saying to get out now, just please look out for yourself and children and put you guys first. I hope things get better and we are here for you. You will get a ton of support here!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 12:15AM
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Hi Girls-

Your post brought back memories of days with my own "little ones". I remember sleepless nights and cranky babies. Not knowing which way to turn and the house going upside down.

My DH worked and went to school at nite and also had a part time job at nite. I was alone a lot. Money was tight. DH was so stressed out. I did not have much outside support.

However, the kids grew up and thinking back on it, I now feel that it was the most happiest time of my life. No matter what your DH says, your first priority is caring for your children. He should be able to recognize that. Don't let him get to you. (unless he is violent).

"This too shall pass". In a year or so, you will start to have a little more freedom. Try to keep that in mind. Soon your oldest will be going off to school. (I think).

I wish that your DH could walk in your shoes so that he could know what a hard job a mommy has. Maybe, then, he would feel some empathy and compassion. Don't let him get to you. If something important needs to be done, ask him directly without expecting that he will do it otherwise. Every little bit helps.

Anyone who was at home raising up little kids knows how tiring it can be. Also, not having the company of adults or the freedom to go where and when you please. Whenever you have a little time, be kind to yourself. Take a break to get your hair done or even just to run off to the store.

I hope your DH comes to realize how difficult it is for you and pitches in. Someday he may come to realize it and then have to live with his own guilt.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 2:08AM
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Oh Stacie, I feel for you too. It is so hard to look after little ones, so draining, breast feeding as well, and to have this extra "child" to deal with, when you should be getting support, well its just heartbreaking. I wish I could be more help, what you really need is all of us to visit you, with meals, in our hands, and another hand ready to clean !

I think if you directly ask DH to help with specific tasks, often, then maybe slowly he will get the idea that there is more he could do.

Its cruel of him to criticize you at this stage, when you are so vulnerable.

Others have said that you must look after yourself and your little ones. Do you have a family member close by to come and help out, to give you that much needed support ?

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Let us know how you are going.

I feel that you need some support today, now.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 3:05AM
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Thank you for all the kind words. I went in to the Doctor's office yesterday and had a talk with her. I was concerned because I have lost quite a bit of weight (I weigh 30 pounds less than when I got pregnant last December). She did some bloodwork and should find out about thyroid. But she also gave me a prescription for prozac. It is funny I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that I really didn't get the baby blues this time around like I did with the others. I think it just hit me a little later than before. Postpartum depression isn't fun and not eating, sleeping, no energy or motivation and crabbiness all the time isn't fair. Dr's other prescription was for me to take care of me and the baby first, as long as the girls are fed, safe and loved that is all that matters. She told me to let the girls do what they want and to take care of the baby and me first. She said that the house could go to crap but there was time for that later. I told DH that this was the prescription, and if he wanted to call the Dr to feel free to do so, I am sure that she would give him an ear full to be sure:) I am hoping that he gets that there is a reason for my "laziness" and that it will get better and that he has to step up or live with the mess. I am lucky that our Dr is a woman in fact her entire staff is female, so they understand and are very helpful. Just being validated by Dr that there is something wrong and taking steps to help make a difference. I know that my mom went through the same things when I was growing up with a DH that doesn't help. As for DH he and his 3 brothers are all adopted and his mom is one of the Super moms that had everything perfect all the time so that is what he is used to, but won't happen around here. I know that my sil went through the same thing with Dh's brother but finally got him to figure it out.


    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 9:36AM
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Do you think your husband's brother might be able to clue him in?

It's good that you went to the Dr. and that you have a Dr. that listens to you and takes your concerns seriously. It's so important to have someone you respect and trust in your corner.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 9:48AM
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Very good - listen to your doctor. PPD can get pretty serious -

Your doctor brought up something that men have a VERY hard time understanding. When their women get depressed, men get 'wiggy' for lack of a better word - they think the solution is to bark orders like a drill sergant and motivate you by suggesting that you are "lazy". Some men don't even use that word, but they know we live in guilt land so all they have to do is say "what did you do all day?"...and so we internalize and tell ourselves they said we're lazy....

This may not be your situation, but it is textbook for what most young mothers experience. Don't forget to see his point of view (even if it's wrong!! :) ) and remember that you are not the same person you were five years ago - you can't be, and you shouldn't be - but everyone has to adjust. You have a LOT of little ones, wow! Good for you for simply getting up in the morning!!!

Talk to your husband, sit him down when all is quiet (?!) and talk honestly with him about how you feel - hopefully he will respond positively. If not, kick his arse. IF that doesn't work, remind him that your libido is directly related to his supportiveness, and you have a bevvy of women to back that theory, here at GW!

In all seriousness, my guess is that your husband loves you desperately - am I right? Don't leave him. This too shall pass, hopefully it can bring you closer if you work through it together.

Good luck, and believe me, we do all understand.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 11:27AM
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Wait, are you still breast feeding and taking Prozac? Is that ok to do??

I also have thyroid problems and I feel just so tired all the time, It has seriously cut into my ability to do all the things I used to do. It's a real probem, but hard to diagnose. And it also takes some time for thyroid meds and Prozac to kick in.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 3:21PM
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It is okay to take prozac and breastfeed. I okayed it with the Dr and pharmacist said that it was okay too. The benefits of taking the meds outweigh the problems, but won't hurt the baby.

DH went and picked up pizza for supper tonight and didn't say a word about the crazy house, hope it continues.


    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 11:06PM
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I would ask your sister-in-law around for a visit, and discuss the brothers ! She may turn out to be your greatest friend at this time.

Yea, good for you for getting up in the morning.

When I had a newborn, I set myself the goal of getting out of my pyjamas by the end of the day. Little steps lead to great achievements.

Take care.


    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 2:58AM
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Many women have told me that when they were single and had a career, that they would see a friend or relative who was not working, (stay at home moms of babies or toddlers) and they thought they were lazy when their houses were so messy, and chaotic. Only when they had children of their own, and walked in the shoes of a stay at home mom, did they understand how hard it was to take care of babies and toddlers, and keep the house clean and meals prepared. While working, they could not imagine why their friends or relatives could not get things done, because they thought they were just sitting around all day long.

Only when they too became mothers, were they able to grasp how exhausting it can be, with each child needing soooo much from them.

Perhaps if you could imagine yourself as the spouse working, and supporting your husband who is home all day, you can imagine how you would feel if you walked into the house after working all day, to find the place a wreck, and chaos, and perhaps no dinner ready. You would be really angry and disgusted with him too. Because you would feel like you not only had to earn the income by working all day, but that you would be expected to do his job too!

And so it is with perspective. That explains where he is coming from.

But for all those women who have walked in your shoes, you are only one person, and a new baby and toddlers take enormous energy, and you are living the reality that almost every mom with such young children experience. A grumpy husband who has no ability to imagine or grasp what your day entails. I imagine that this senerio is played out all over the country.

And yet, you and countless other women walking in your shoes "get it".

Can you understand that things will get so much easier as your children get a bit older? You are in the midst of the harder times that take sooo much energy.

Hang in there. It would be too hard to be a single mom having to earn a living and care for such young children on your own. Perhaps before your DH is due home, you and your older children can put some music on, and play the clean up game, where you make it a fun game to get everything back in its place, as best you can.

Crock pots are a great way to have dinner ready when you have the energy in the morning, instead of when you are so tired at night. Pull up 5 star crock pot recipes on line.

Find a counselor that will help your DH understand how hard this time is for new moms. And help him to understand the importance of supporting you during this time.

But I want to encourage you that it does get easier as the kids get a bit older. Have a heart to heart with him when he is in a good mood. Tell him that you understand from where he is standing what it looks like. But that he needs to understand that at one time you may have thought the same thing about someone else. But that the day to day reality of a stay at home moms role with such little ones, is so much harder than you ever imagined it would be. And that you both will get through this, and life will get so much easier as your little ones grow up. And that you need his support, and you will do what you can to try and do this for your family. Tell him that yelling at you only makes you want to give up on your marriage. And that these children deserve a family that is working together to make it.

Remember, you are in good company and are not alone. When you are struggling, remember the young moms all over the globe that are walking in your shoes, and struggling right along with you in the same senerio.

Hang it there and take it just one day at a time!

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 9:08AM
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Thank you for putting things into perspective. I know that it will be easier in a few years. And I don't want to leave my DH at all, I do love him despite his views:) My mom was a sahm and and dad would and still be the same way with her so I know that I am not the only one.

I went in and am on meds for postpartum and my mom came up and we did get some things done. Yesterday my washing machine stopped working but got it fixed today so will have to catch up on the laundry tomorrow. My Dr told me that I needed to focus on me and the baby and let the girls run wild as long as they are safe and fed that is all that matters. She said let the house go to crap and tell Dh that she said so. She is a great Dr. and we are lucky to have her. I am feeling better already and I think DH is starting to get it. I have started looking at Dh's point of view. He teaches all day and then is at events all night because he is athletic events all night for 13-14 hour days. He comes home to me wanting to have a minute to myself and a messy house, crabby wife and wild monkey kids.

I just remember that this too shall pass;) and I will be wishing for the days when my kids were little once again.


    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:04PM
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Well put Bnicebkind,

Having some girlfriends going through the same thing, is really something that gets you through.

I was part of a "playgroup" when my children where little, I am still friends with one girl after 20 years ! That group kept me sane, we spoke about babies the whole time, how tired we where, and just laughed and laughed.

It was one of the major events in my week, and gave me a reason to get dressed and get out of the house.

Yes, do remember "this too shall pass".

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:21PM
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On those hard days, call a friend and take the kids for a walk, or to the park, etc. Remember, kids music can help children when they are grumpy, to change the mood in the house! And if the baby won't stop crying, usually a walk outside helps, or running cool water in the kitchen sink, and holding the baby, let the cool water splash on her toes, and see if she laughs, instead of crying. Also, find a phone buddy, or other moms to get together with, who have children the same age, to form a play group, and someone to talk to, who is going through the same things, who can relate. You can cheer each other up, and encourage one another, and it can make "all" the difference. I overheard some moms talking, and one said, that her mother told her that the days are long, but the years are short. You will not believe how fast it all goes!

So on those hard days, sit back and think of all of the moms just like you, all over the world, and laugh instead of crying. Find your smile and your humor. They will serve you well.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2007 at 8:12AM
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girlsingarden...Staci, I want to encourage you today to find your smile, and sense of humor, as you imagine in your mind other women like you around the world, caring for their young children. Imagine the young mother in China, and in Alaska, and in all the various homes around the world. Imagine yourself in the role of helping these young mothers find their smile, in the midst of laundry up to their knees, dishes in the sink, babies crying, toddlers getting into things with their endless curiosity and energy, and parents like yourself, who adore them, but are exhausted, and having a hard time finding their smiles in the midst of the day to day marathons!

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you and send a smile your way! The only thing I can help with on the day to day chores, is to add music and try and make it more fun, or get "books on CD or tape, from the library" to hear a wonderful story or learn something new, so that the chore time is more enjoyable. There is a game for cleaning called "Beat the clock". Set a timer. Give yourself so many minutes to tackle a room. Say 15 minutes. Work as fast as you can to try and clean up as much as possible before the timer goes off. Lets say you ran 2 minutes over. Than the next room you would subtract the 2 minutes and try and do as much is that room before the timer goes off, this time in 13 minutes. Let's say, on that room, you were able to beat the clock and finish in 9 minutes. Then you get to add the additional minutes for another space. Anyhow, it makes the chore seem like less of a chore, and more of a game. The kids can play too. Use your imagination! You can play music (like the game musical chairs). They run around and pick up as much stuff laying around as they can, and put it away, before the music stops. The right music can be your best tool at changing the atmosphere in your home, from whining and fussing, to smiles and laughter. Also, 4 year olds can love to vacuum and dust! And you will make happy memories for your beautiful children of their awesome mommy and clean up time!

Anyway, I wanted to encourage you, and send a smile your way! If I knew a joke to make you laugh out loud, I would! have a great week!

    Bookmark   November 12, 2007 at 8:59AM
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Boy, I remember those days too and my kids are now in their 30's. I had a 3 yr old, 1 yr old and newborn. The first 2 I did everything myself but needed gallbladder sugery when I was pregnant with #3 and by the time he was born I told my DH he had to help out. Should have done that in the beginning, I felt since he worked I should take care of the kids completely. At first he said changing diapers would make him gag, I said "too bad". He did just fine after a little practice and I wish he was more involved from the beginning with the first two.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2007 at 10:35PM
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