In touch with first love after 15 yrs ...

n_cynthOctober 4, 2007

Hello! I posted before on the sexless marriage that I'm currently in. I know I need to get out of it but at the moment have decided to let things be as they are. I honestly don't know what I'm waiting for.

Anyway, I spoke to my first love after a gap of 15 years (some common friends decided to re-unite the class of 1992), and he said that his marriage wasn't working out, that they might split soon. And I said we were sailing in the same boat. Neither gave details. And yesterday he said 'Let's make a deal, if we end up single again, we'll get married to each other' -- I found it kiddish to even think about that when the current relationship is going the way it is ... but I laughed it off, didn't answer him.

He said everyone deserves a second chance, and we didn't even get a first. Which is true. We were 17 when we fell in love, the families objected and the kind of idiot that I am, I got scared and decided it was best to let go (lots of other problems in the family going on at that time, Dad with heart problems etc) This sort of thing happens in many Indian families.

It's amazing that I should still feel this way about him; I'm sure it's not just because of the relationship I am currently in, but I've decided to wait it out and just see what happens.

This guy visits the US frequently on business - but for now I said it's better not to meet.

Do you think I'm a bad person for doing this? I know this isn't an affair, no lovey-dovey text messages, no words of endearment when we talk, it's just like a close friendship - and not close enough to tell the actual problem either!

Funny how I sometimes feel I shouldn't be doing this ... and DH doesn't show a bit of remorse for/interest in what's been going on at home for years.

I know this is the only place I could talk about this. Thank you everyone for being there for me.


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Hello Cynthia

I guess my first thought on reading your post was that you are vulnerable, because of your unhappiness in your marriage, and probably lonely and craving some attention. Often when we feel like that, we can find what we need in other people, but only find it because its lacking in the marriage.

I guess what I am saying is, that your attraction to this man is a symptom of your unhappy marriage. And can you really be sure these are genuine, lasting feelings for this person ?

I don't think you are a bad person for thinking about the other man, when it sounds like your marriage ended a while ago.

I think a first love is very special, but can we really revisit that love ? Sure it brings up lovely feelings as you remember, but you are both different people now.

Just some things for you to think about.

I wish you well on your journey.


    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 4:25AM
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Thank you Popi, yes I've been thinking along those same lines.

It was truly special with this man - and when you think all we did was hold hands and talk ... not even a kiss ! LOL Even so, I'm unsure about the entire thing right now. You're right, I'm not sure if these are genuine, lasting feelings for him. So much has happened in the past 15 yrs, and we're different people now, sure. I know it'd be natural for me to get close to somebody who gave me attention, and yet this is the only guy who I feel completely comfortable with.

I guess I needed some reassurance, that it's natural to think about this guy because of the situation I'm in while I'm still 'married' to my husband. It's not exactly guilt but an outsider who doesn't know my situation would most definitely give me a bad name.

Another thing that haunts me is if I'll be able to completely give myself to another person, ever. I don't want to get hurt again. I'm scared of opening up now, and yet when I talk to this guy I'm not so worried. About the physical part too, I think I would take time, it's been so long now I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

I guess I'll see if he brings up the topic again, and tell him that it'd be better to wait rather than getting out of a relationship and into another, just give it time. Don't know if I should tell him my self-doubts, though. Not meeting him in the near future, is better I think.

So it's back to wait and watch for me. But I'm OK with it. Or maybe I'm so used to this that I won't really do anything, sure I'll go crazy, let's see what happens first.

(((Popi))) What would I do without you guys!?!


    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 8:31AM
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What Popi said...

And, be careful. It's good that you are staying away from him. These type of things can turn into emotional affairs (if it hasn't already). I know it's flattering, but I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with a married man who came onto me so strong when I was married. I know it was sort of joking around, but you are sort of taking it seriously. It really wasn't a proper conversation for two married people to have.

Work on or leave your own marriage before you even consider new relationships. I know it's easier said then done when you are so lonely, but in the long run it's probably the best for everyone including yourself. Right now, you are looking at the world (and your first love) through rose colored glasses.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 9:38AM
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Agreeing with Carla and Popi -- First things first. Decide in your own mind what to do about your marriage. Either stay or go. Then do it.

For what it's worth, I found myself in a similar situation near the end of my own first marriage. My marriage had been miserable for a long, long time, and I found myself becoming increasingly close to a married co-worker -- I guess we probably did cross the line into an emotional affair. And while it was wrong to some degree, it opened up a whole new world for me -- one where I felt safe and loved and valued and happy for the first time in YEARS. Feeling what I was missing made me decide I needed to either fix my marriage or get the heck out of it -- so I did. I got out of an awful marriage to a truly defective human being, immediately ended the inappropriate relationship (it could only have turned into a painful mess had it continued), then built a new and wonderful life for myself.

I guess what I'm saying is that by seeing your first love and reconnecting with him, you've glimpsed the kind of happiness that is possible. It may not be possible forever with him, or possible every day with anybody -- but it is possible.

Is it kind of life possible with your husband? And if not, do you have so much invested in your marriage that you are willing to live without it?

    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 10:01AM
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Hi cynth-

I think you got such excellent replies to your post.

You are vulnerable at this time. Beware of this old flame.

You are hurting right now and lacking for attention. He probably knows that. You are a safe person to have an affair with. You, too, have much to lose. You also have no rights when you enter into such a relationship. Would he be so interesting (married man) if you were single? You would make a much different choice.

If you were to leap into a decision and go forward with rekindling the sparks, you will place yourself in a most precarious situation.

You need to decide what you want to do with your life. It boils down to two things, unfoturnately,
stay or go from the present marriage.

It is a tough spot to be in.

Hugs going out to you.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 8:50PM
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It seems that you are thinking pretty clearly right that is good. You have to be careful here. Very careful. It is so easy to go crazy for someone who pays attention to you when you have been starved for that for so long. You don't want to get involved with this guy before you end things. Trust me. I know people who have done that sort of thing and regretted it a whole lot. They ended up looking like the bad one and wished they would have just waited until they were divorced before pursuing any relationships. It is scarey to make the jump into being single again, but starting a relationship before that is never really a good idea. Keep thinking with your head and listen to what the others are saying here. You have been given good advice by the others. Best of luck!

    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 10:17PM
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Great advice. I only want to add,that even if you do wait until your marriage is ended before getting involved~make sure that the first love has ended his too.
I know he's your friend,but too many men say that they are leaving and never do.Just make sure that isnt his intent so he cant tell you what you want to hear,only to stay with his wife.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2007 at 2:33AM
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Hugs to you Cynthia, you sound like a really sensible girl, I know you will do the right thing, for yourself and others.

What would you do without all of us wonderful ladies, it's funny isn't it !

Take care

    Bookmark   October 5, 2007 at 2:51AM
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I can't help but wonder...are you truely "falling" for this first love....or in love with the person he USE TO BE. You see, you really don't know the person he currently is, He doesn't know the person you currently are. You are not the same person you were 15 years ago, and neither is he. Make sure you are not falling for that dream of yesteryear and are in contact with the here and now, based on reality.


    Bookmark   October 5, 2007 at 7:04AM
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Thanks for the hugs ... you're the best-est! Sweeby, thank you for sharing your story, it's an eye-opener.

We spoke again and he asked again if I'd give the two of us a chance in the future. I told him what I thought: That we're different people now, that I couldn't answer his question while I'm still married to someone, that it would be best if things with the current partner as sorted out before thinking of a future together.

And then he said he was serious about it, was I scared that he would lure me into an affair and stay married to his wife? LOL And was I scared of leaving my husband? I've always admired the way he asks questions ... bluntly.

I feel good after talking to him, attention-starved as I am ... and one conversation keeps me happy for more than a week! I run 6km a day, sing while cooking, dance while cleaning ... because I'm happy he still speaks (and listens!) to me the same way he used to, and maybe because there's hope. Of course, I'm not letting him know his voice still has that effect on me LOL

Yes, getting out of this relationship is scary. I have all the luxuries money could buy ... now all I need is a sensitive, caring, loving husband, and I could do without the luxuries now, I just want to be loved!!

Something else came to mind ... I would like to know why he and his wife are not on good terms with each other. I mean, maybe he isn't a good husband, who knows? But that can wait, for now.

I can see what I'm missing in my relationship, and though I wouldn't get into an affair right now, I'm back on the road to making the final decision.

Thank you again, everyone! God bless you all.


    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 2:06AM
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I don't know...but from what you've said, sounds like he's probably a big charmer and cheats on his wife...that's probably what's wrong with his marriage. Why don't you "bluntly" ask him when he's leaving his wife? If he's not talking to lawyers and the papers aren't being drawn up, leave him alone...please, he is would you like it? He may make you feel great but he is married to someone time his voice makes you feel so great, think of how much a relationship with him would be hurting someone else, even children...that should turn your smile into a frown. Sorry, as much as you want or need it, he's not yours to love....why are you still talking to him?

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 1:03PM
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Hi cynth-

Wake-Up! Put on your thinking cap.

This "love interest" is disrespectful to you! You are married. He is putting you at risk. If you proceed and are found out, do you have the assets to sustain your life when DH throws you out? Will your "love interest" be waiting in the wings with open arms to catch you when you come crashing down?

Women are much more tolerant of a husband who "cheats" (not fair word under your circumstances) than men are of their wives. Is is never ok for a wife to cheat.

Why let someone use you as a toy? You are worth much more than that!

Ask your DH to go with you for marriage counseling. If he won't, go alone. The decisions you make in the heat of emotion may impact your life greatly and not for the better.

Sometimes a person might go ahead and have an affair as an escape route. It is done almost unconsciously in order to end the marital turning back. But, be prepared for the consequences. Are you ready for that? Put yourself first cause this old flame is only thinking of himself.

Good Luck!

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 1:29PM
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