My marriage is over !!!

turkeytrottOctober 3, 2007

I was the one who wrote losing the love of my life,well now I have lost him. Tuesday evening he informed me that he catches his flight thursday evening. I told him 2 weeks ago that as soon as he spends one night away from home that our marriage would be over. Seems like his hometown wins out over me again. When I reminded him that I said this so I guess Thursday is our last day as a married couple he seemed p*ssed off, even to the point of implying that I may get lucky, I only wanted him no one else I have never cheated. I am trying to stay positive that he would not go there just to cheat but can't seem to do it. It's been 2 weeks since he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married and I have cried tons. I guess I should be saying I am losing a man that is unsure if he still loves me he is losing so much more because he is losing a wife that will forever love him. Maybe thinking along those lines will help me move forward.

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Why is he going home? How long did he say he would be gone? Is this the result of an arguement or simply as 'need' to check on things there? Would he get this excited of you needed to be home for a few days? Tell us more.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 8:25AM
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Turkeytrott, you set up a situation where you can't win unless he loses.
If he caves in to your demands, he's basically admitting to himself and his father and his brother that he's 'whipped'.
If he doesn't give in, you've declared that a permanent act of abandonment and grounds for a huffy divorce.
There's no win-win situation here unless you make room for one.

If, as you say, you love this man forever, then give him some rope.
If YOU can't trust him, then YOU have a problem, whether he's in the same town with you or not.
If he's not trustworthy, then HE has a problem, and that problem also exists wherever he is.

Stop the drama and act like an adult --
If you value your marriage, YOU allow it to survive.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 11:23AM
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I agree with sweeby...

and never, never give ultimatums that you may not live up to. I understand you may have been through a lot with the in-laws and affairs and such but really, your husband's father is dying/sick and you don't think he should see him? No matter how abusive he has been, or what town he lives in, or how many things you have done for everyone, your husband's dad is old and sick...for pete's sake let him see his dying dad in peace. If someone told me I couldn't see a parent, I would think twice about wanting to stay married to them too. Look at the whole picture.

I think you need counseling to get over the affair(s). Keeping your husband from living is not the answer. Either your husband's still a cheating schmuck (thinking he MAY cheat doesn't count) and you need to get rid of him, or these things happened so long ago that you really need to get over them. Bringing up stuff from 20+ years ago is not helping anything. At the moment, it really doesn't sound like your husband is doing anything wrong; you're just afraid he might so you are giving these ultimatums that are just pushing him further away; right?

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 11:57AM
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I have told him he is welcome to visit his father but he will not allow me to go with him (wonder Why??) Secondly he had his affair when he went home to be with his dying sister ( 11 years ago). Instead of being with her he was sleeping around, I don't know if you read my other post but I still ache for that child I lost due to the bullsh*t from his family. Also his brothers ex no one in the family spoke to her but they all maintained a relationship with the brother. So I have not given him a choice of me or any family member and he is welcome to go home with me, I mean for 3 weeks he has said he wants out of our marriage now claims he needs to go think through our marriage I love this man but because of his own mistakes I can not trust him there,I do trust him anywhere else he was a truck driver up 'til 3 years ago.
And his Dad did go through 2 short bouts with cancer last year but he is far from dying they got it all and he can still put some 40 year olds to shame when it comes to work. Hubby also used to say I love you at least 5 times a day and hasn't said it since he decided he didn't know if our marriage could work. He still kisses me some and we still have sex but I do not feel very strong about us right now so that is why all this insecurities are back at the surface, by the way we did do counselling. If he had of chosen anywhere except the tramp town he is from I probably would have been fine with him getting away to think. I feel if it is to work on our problems we need to be together right now not apart. Also his family has a big influence with him and I feel they may try pushing us apart even further then we are so why should I just sit being the dutiful wife taking care of our kids while he goes has time for him. By the ways Pops had surgery there last year and I bought the da*n ticket because that was where hubby needed to be.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 1:40PM
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Your emotions are still based on things that seemed to have happened so very long ago. If your husband feels the need to get away from you to think things over for a be it...that is not something to leave him over. You shouldn't force yourself to go with him. HE WANTS TIME AWAY FROM YOU. Accept that and deal with it.

Telling him he can't have this time alone will only make him want it more and resent you. Your tactics are not helping regardless of your reasoning. Do you really want to be with a man that can be so easily swayed by a town and a family to leave you? Do you feel you need to be with him 24 hrs a day to make sure he doesn't cheat? That would be hel) for both of you. If he is having an affair, I would bet it's already going on; the trip isn't going to change that.

Again, talk to a counselor. Hire a PI to follow him if you must; but don't live your life in FEAR of what may or could happen with him....That's probably worse than it actually happening. Give him some space. Tell him to enjoy the trip and pack his bags for him.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 2:22PM
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Well,I can understand her doubt if her husband cheated on her when his sister was dying.
It doesnt make any sense why she cant go unless he is planning on doing something bad again.
However,I think giving ultimatims isnt the right answer either.

Maybe you could try taking the high road here (which I know is not the easiest thing to do)
Tell your husband you've been thinking that maybe you over-reated by telling him he cant go.
Tell him you love him and want to work things out,and that you hope he gets some "clairity" while he is gone.
Tell him you trust him to do the right thing.
However,tell him if you find out he has been up to anything he shouldnt be up to,then it will be over and he will not have another chance.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 11:19PM
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Sounds like he is going to go, whether you like it or not.
And if he wants to cheat, there's really no way anyone can stop him.

So what do you want to happen when he comes back?

    Bookmark   October 4, 2007 at 10:03AM
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Well on Wednesday evening we talked for a long time and I found out what the problems seem to be about,He thought I was cheating with my client (I clean houses),this is a man I tried setting up with my hubby's neice.I have never given him any reason to think I would cheat !!! I was so glad I finally had reasons for this the other issues was silly and didn't make sense.And yet so hurt that he did not trust me. When I took on this client ( I clean for his Mom & Aunt)I asked him if he wanted me to because I am aware that he is insecure and he told me sure if I had of only known this I would have not bothered. So he said I could take his ticket and go,I have no interest in going there alone so I asked if we could compromise he is gone for 11 days I said I would join him on day 5 so that he would have some alone time he said yes but I could tell it was really I'd rather u not so I said fine and we went to bed and made love ,in the morning he hadn't even packed and said he wasn't going so I packed for him and could see he was happy so like a dutiful wife I drove him to the airport 2 hours away we again had a good talk no fighting and I told him that since he told me he wanted it over I would give him his freedom. This is not what I want but all he could say is he wasn't planning to have an affair, yeah he also has 2 children that weren't planned . I knew that I could not handle it so I had to do this for me, and he held me when we parted and told me he loved me at this point we both had a few tears and he told me to be strong and I said easier said then done I am not just losing him for 11 days but I am losing the only man I have ever loved for life and walked away.I have to pick him up on the 15 and then we have to tell our children.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 12:38AM
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I dont get it,you made love,he said he wasnt leaving,
but you packed his bags for him anyways.
You both cried and said you love each other,but you are still breaking up???
And you are telling your children this when he gets back?

I'm very confused here.
Sounds like things went well and that he only wanted
space cuz he thought you were having an affair.I dont understand why you are still breaking up.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 6:53AM
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I don't much get it either and maybe had he started telling me these things 3 weeks ago when he said he wanted to leave we could have worked through it. We both agree the physical part of our lives has seem to be our truest connections in these three weeks not talking like it should have been. He even held my hand all through the airport he has not done that in a long time. I guess I was hoping he would change his mind himself he didn't have to get on the plane just cause I packed for him. I felt he had to decide for himself what was right for him. He has thought I was having this affair for months he should have asked but he just started to seem to pull away and harden his heart and I don't know if we could have worked through this, like I said sex never has been a problem but he is not real good at communicating. I keep praying he will call and say there is a ticket booked for me and for me to get down there so we can work this through, but I think I am just dreaming here. He was flying into a different town then where his family lives and staying there a few days but he hasn't called to say anything he is a very stubborn person and I told him many times that his stubbornness would someday be his undoing. I can't call don't know where he even is so I guess the ball is in his court.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 7:33AM
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Sorry, now it really does sound he's having having an affair to me. Nothing else really makes any sense.... Unless you're just going by your ultimatum that if he's leaves it's over???? He's coming up with some excuse about thinking you're having an affair...and that his heart has hardened...but you're not having an affair...come on...

I'm not sure if I'm just not understanding you...but I think he is feeding you a load of cra* and if that is the case, good riddance.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 11:09AM
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I know that he thought I was having an affair because when I told a mutual friend this the other day he told me hubby confided his fears to him a few months back, he also said that he told hubby you have to wrong she loves you too much. Hubby said he knows I love him but he felt there was things that seemed different between us wish I hadn't been so blind.I know I have seemed down lately because of financial issues and some weight that I had gained but not because I didn't love him or wanted to have an affair.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 12:12PM
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#1. So, he thought you were having an affair?

#2. You weren't?

#3. But he's still leaving you....because......why?

Point # 3 makes no sense -- and I highly think something else is up. Funny, but often spouses will truly think the other spouse is also having an affair when they are. Obvioulsy, I don't know what is going on with your husband, and probably really shouldn't even be guessing since I really can't follow what is going on in your relationship. Can you try to explain the answer to point #3? Does it really seem rational to you?

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 2:35PM
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Although I love this man something crazy he is very stubborn,I had no understanding at all that he thought I was messing around until I decided that something bigger had happen so I had to ask if he ever thought that I had been unfaithful because in the last week he had mentioned maybe it was me who was looking for a jump (sex)If I had not asked the question I am sure he would have not told me.
He booked his flight 5 days before he even told me. When I told him I would give him his freedom which is what he seemed to want, he looked so sad and hurt but he never said a word I don't think he felt I would do this after our talks but I always have told him there is no way he will ever go home without me. I know he misses his Dad because we usually go there for a few weeks in the summer this year we didn't because our grandson was due at the time we are usually gone. I wish I could have let him have this time but he really is from a hick town that most of them have no morals and when a man comes to the village the women our like fresh meat in town, they are quite isolated and everyone knows everyone's business. Marriage to your cousin is fully accepted there. 1 woman married and had kids with her step dad after her mom passed. It just sickens me. And because our marriage is so shaky I don't know that he wouldn't look for comfort elsewhere. To me it is just his stubborness that put him on that plane.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 5:06PM
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So, it was the ultimatum that broke you up?

Or, is there hope that he will come back and all will be good? Sorry but even if my husband went to the Playboy Mansion for a trip I would still trust him. His opportunities and low morals of woman there should really have no important basis, right?

And, stubborn... what has that to do with anything other than he wants to go and he went?

Or, are you saying that he went, and if he went you both know 100% sure that he will cheat? That's just sad on many levels.

Still not fully understanding? Sorry you seem to think it's over and are sad about it, though.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 7:21PM
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Well he called last night he is already in tramp much for taking a few days to think about us, he landed at 4:30 on friday morning and was there by saturday evening.It's a 9 hour drive.I know I was the one who gave him his freedom but the call was so sad, at the airport he seemed to be struggling with what happened but seems okay now. He just said he wanted to make sure I had got home safe and said to say hi to our kids. Then a simple take care ended our call. I have to admit I was not very receptive but that was because he said he was going to take a few days to think things through and that he would not be in trampville over the weekend so to me the white lies have just begun. He really does become a different person when he is there even when I am with him.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 7:30AM
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turkeytrott - I've been trying to follow all of this and admit that I'm not understanding it all. But from what I am understanding, it sounds to me as though you're pushing your husband out, not that he wants to be out. Are you attempting to make him feel badly? I don't think that that will make "home and marriage" with you to be very attractive.

What are the white lies that have started this weekend? That he went to "trampville" (that, in itself, is so negative that I can't imagine it does your cause any good!)? I thought he'd decided to go (or you'd packed his bags and made him go). I don't get it, but I do wish you the best for your marriage.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 9:19AM
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He told me three weeks ago that he didn't know if he wanted to stay in our marriage, I believed the slump we had gotten in to we could work through unfortunatly he wouldn't share his fears with me,then he booked this flight 5 days before he even felt it was necessary to tell me even though he charged it to our credit card. I do not want him unhappy and since he told me he wanted out I felt I had to give him what he asked for. I did pack his bag but that did not stop him from saying come with me, or come a few days from when he left which he didn't. As for the lies starting he said he wasn't going to be there 'til after the weekend because he needed sometime to himself to work through his feelings. I feel that we got closer before he left because he wanted me to behave while he was gone but would not say that he would, I am not at all the type to seek revenge by going out of my way to hurt him. As for me calling it trampville I know that sounds harsh but that really is what it is. I can remeber a time when sombody had an STD there and over half the village was on medication , I am telling the truth not stretching it.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 11:33AM
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Update: On Sunday he called and told me he had made a big mistake and if he never gets me back ,he understands that he screwed up Big Time. He now has promised not to do me wrong but also admitted on day 1 there he could have but chose to prove me wrong. He says he loves me and can't believe that he has lost me. I believe we both made mistakes along the way his big mistake in my eyes was not trying to save it for the three weeks before he left. I am hurting over this he is still gone and didn't suggest I go to be with him, he does call every night now but I am so unsure of where we go from here. He wants us to be together, I want ...

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 1:54PM
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You ever watch any of those popular TV shows where the guy and the girl - despite incredible chemistry - can never seem to get it together and have a relationship? One or the other of them is always doing someting stupid when they're on the verge of success -- Ross and Rachel, Meredith and Derrick, Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd?

Assuming you're not getting paid to keep up the suspense, woudn't it be nicer to just get the guy and live happily ever after?

That means you need to cut out the stupid dramatics, swallow your pride, and admit what you want. Make yourself vulverable and trust your husband not to hurt you. As my mother once said to me "Don't sacrifice your happiness for your pride."

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 4:46PM
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That sounds like a good plan to me!

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 5:21PM
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