Please Help???

angie9754September 27, 2007

I need some advice. I have been married to a workaholic husband for one year. We live together for 5 years before getting married. I have been with him since I was 18 and he 31. I have never worked, but went to school and pursued a music career while we were together living in Los Angeles. I never minded his workaholic ways much, because i had no problem occupying myself in LA and he always supported us very well. Well, about 2 years ago he decided to expand his business and part of this included him spending more and more time in started a trip a month, then two trips, then he was basically just coming home one weekend a month to see me. We eventually decided to sell our LA home and move to Central America together as he was really living there already anyways. I thought i could handle it....I was so wrong. I fell into a severe depression and developed an anxiety disorder as a result of the move. It is just so unbearable....he works 13 hour days including saturdays and some sundays...we live in a city that is not safe, i do not speak spanish, and therefore am basically confined to our home unless i leave with our driver and bodygaurd who follow me around like i'm the president. He is so tired when he comes home that he just eats and falls asleep basically at the table. We have such a fun, loving relationship when we are together, but I truly can't live there and wait at home for him all day with no freedom in a third world country just to eat dinner with him and fall asleep. I feel so guilty because I know he works hard and is supporting us, but every day is like torture. Oh, and i am pregnant now, due in three weeks actually...the thought of bringing my daughter there and not even being able to take a walk around a mall or park in a stroller with her makes me want to cry. My parents live in michigan, so i have been staying here most of my pregnancy so i can have the baby here...i don't know what to do, i am thinking of staying here and maybe having a long distance marriage where he can maybe come here once a month and maybe i could come there once a month and we could make it work that way. What do you think of this??? Has anyone ever been in a situation like this and do you think we can make it work, am i being selfish?? I'm sorry for the looong message, i am in such a predicament though.

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My first question would be have you spoken to your DH about how you feel ?

I can fully understand why you are unhappy, you sound very lonely. You have no life in Hondurous, you are not out mixing in with the community, so you are very isolated.

I cannot understand why your DH would not want to be with you, he sounds like he is certainly neglecting his marriage to you.

Considering the state of your life in Hondurous, I would certainly consider staying in Michigan, where you will get some support when the baby is born. You will need some help at that time, its a special time in your life. Does your DH want to be there with you during that time?

At this point I would not stress about the future too much. Your priority is getting through the birth, and looking after your baby.

You really need to work out what YOU want and talk to your husband about it. Tell him how you FEEL.

Good luck with it all.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 3:21AM
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Take care of the baby and yourself right now. Worry about the rest later.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 9:43AM
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Well, it doesn't sound like Honduras is too much fun. I would stay in Michigan and let your husband know that you don't want to live in Honduras anymore. Does he want to be part of your child's life? If he works 13 hour days, 7 days a week, he is not going to be very involved. Does he have to work so much, or is it his choice? Does he want more out of life than his career? Most importantly, doesn't he realize how unhappy you are with the current situation? If he really wants your marriage to work, he needs to compromise with you. It's apparent that you tried to compromise with him by moving so far away. Good luck :)

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 11:49AM
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I agree, stay in Michigan and be with your family. You should find some friends there so you won't be loney. My condolences for your unhappy marriage. Is divorce an option?

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 12:31PM
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Having been in third world countries where you need an interpreter and a driver, and illness is common--I suggest you stay in Michigan and learn Spanish for that occasional trip to Honduras. Living there with a small child is lonely and difficult. Their child mortality rate is high and you don't need that worry.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 3:48PM
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I really think you need to consider your child's health, safety and education at this point and put them first. What you describe in Honduras is no life for a child.

But you really do need to sit down with your husband and talk this through. Discuss your plans and goals--for both your marriage and your child. Talk about how you feel about each other. Perhaps you need to discuss other options for supporting your family--perhaps your husband could cut back his hours if you got a parttime job? Or perhaps you could scale back your lifestyle? Or maybe you need to look at how you're organizing your spending and see if there is any unnecessary waste? If only your husband is working, what are you doing for money? Do you have a decent bank account in your own name? If not, GET WORKING ON IT--every woman, whether she's married or single, in a good relationship or a bad one, should have enough money saved in her own name, so that she can get by for at least a half year on her own, if necessary.

Thing is, you're at a VERY different stage of maturity now than when you got together with this guy. It's not really a good idea to try to forge a permanent, forever relationship when you're 18--because your brain simply isn't physically finished maturing. At that age, you make decisions based on emotions, not logic. But now, you're entering a stage of life where you look at things very differently. So understand, that you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you made a poor decision 6 years ago, when you decided to take up with this fellow. And also, know that at this point, you may have to make some tough choices for the good of your baby.

I would say this, though--2 years is more than enough time for you to have begun learning Spanish. I sense that you didn't want to, that you were resisting, that you were 'protesting' your husband's choice to move to a country you didn't care for. If you are going to continue on with your marriage, after talking things over thoroughly with your husband, I'd strongly recommend that you become proficient in Spanish as quickly as possible, and as soon as reasonable, start teaching your child, as well.

How does your family feel about your marital situation, I wonder? Would they support your decision to stay in the States, so you can give your little one a better start in life? Will they help you out with things like watching the child so you can go to work or back to school to get a practical education? Have you looked into what's available at your local community college? Maybe you could take an apprenticeship course--that way you could earn $$$ while you study. And I'm not talking about becoming an electrician or sheet metal worker, necessarily. You can take an apprenticeship track to study paralegal, or optician or many other para-professional fields, usually. Wouldn't hurt to get a saleable skill under your belt

Whatever you decide, good luck.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 11:38PM
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Did you know that people can actually be addicted to work? That's why they call them "workaholics". Call a 12 step program in Michigan and ask for help in dealing with your husband's addiction. You may be saving his life

While you're calling, ask them if they have a program for my butt lazy husband...Oops, time to go check him for a pulse.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2007 at 3:10AM
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I have no personal experience in this situation but my aunt, who is thought of as a workaholic is actually living in a different country from her husband and three kids. They agreed on it before hand, and there is definitely a time limit to her being away with twice a month visits, once going and once staying.

Did your DH give you a length of time for his needing to be in honduras, or does he just make his career decisions and expect you to avail yourself to his decisions? Are you considered as a pertner in the relationship?

If you are then the sacrifice for his career for a while would be worth the distance relationship, if not and you do not know what he will independently choose next, then maybe you should consider divorcing, and staying with your family who are well situated, where there is security and at least you know what to expect unless you choose to change things. And of course, you are familiar enough to make your own life so you don't NEED his attention as when in a foreign country.

But think on it for awhile and weight your options carefully. Give yourself at least the first year of baby's life to focus on baby while making up your mind, remember this is a lifetime altering decision. But fortunatwly you are young and have more options than most as well as a supporting family.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:44PM
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