lost

confused22September 11, 2008

My wife and I are in our mid 20's and have been married a little over 2 years but have been together for 8 years. Since our marriage people have told me that we may have issues because we fight so often. She works 5 days a week and is not home until late when I'm sleeping on those days so i don't see her. Her job has consumed her life and even when she is home she is on the phone with work or texting co-workers.

The sex is very poor as she will only have it if I ask and she just takes her closes off and lays there. I have considered just not having it all together because it's not often or satisfying. We have sex once or twice on month if I plead. I feel that she is away doing me a favor rather than a mutually effort.

I have felt us grow apart for some time and finally had enough. when I confronted her and told her how lonely I felt and upset she didn't take me serious. She said she would fill me in more on her day's events and be more conscience of my feelings but refused to give up her job. She said that she never cared for sex and had been tested. She told me some women don't like sex be she will have it with me if it makes me happy. She went on to say she doesn't like men's package and that's why she won't touch it.

I'm still young and feel that we wont be together in a few years but she just says we'll work it out despite she does not want therapy. I know it is my fault for not bringing the problems to her earlier but I feel the damage may be done. I don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage. We wanted children but she said she changed her mind and will considerate later. It makes me feel betrayed and detached. We both have feelings for each other just mot sure we are in love. I just wonder if i need to move on with my life or just stick it out.

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asolo

Keep it friendly but wrap it up and move on. She's laid it out for you. I see no reason to doubt what she's told you clearly. "Stick it out"? Like for the rest of your life? That's a choice you're considering?

Was it like this during the courtship also?

    Bookmark   September 11, 2008 at 8:09PM
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confused22

No she was sweet and caring, over the years she has gotten tougher and more independent. A lot of what she was has changed. She says she the same person inside but it's hard to see.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2008 at 8:30PM
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popi_gw

I think you are doing the right thing, by thinking about the status of your marriage, and for talking to your wife, by telling her how you feel.

You are right to think that your issues must be addressed, because the basis for your successful marriage, in the future, is being eroded. You need a very strong foundation to consider bringing children into the union.

You must consider your own future happiness and by your own admission you say you are not happy now.

She is neglecting the marriage, it seems.

More talk is what you need.

Perhaps you could appeal to he feminine side a bit - pamper her, maybe she has forgotten what that is like. She could be really stressed from her job, and is acting in survival mode.

My husband reminded me yesterday - whilst we were walking along the beachfront near where I live - that "living" is the things you do when not at work. So true, I think.

Hope I have inspired you a bit.

All the best to you.
Popi

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 12:41AM
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asolo

"...she just takes her closes off and lays there."

"She said that she never cared for sex...She told me some women don't like sex....She went on to say she doesn't like men's package and that's why she won't touch it."

There are lots of women like this. In my opinion, they shouldn't marry.

Do not have children with this woman. I don't know what you are to her, but it isn't a husband. During the time you've known her, she's grown from a teenager into an actual adult. Was the younger version sexier? Doesn't matter. That isn't what's happening now. And it never will. Don't live in wishes when reality speaks this clearly. You're young. Get out of there and find a real woman to make a family with.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 3:36AM
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rivkadr

You got married at a very young age. People in their 20's change a LOT, and the young girl that was sweet and caring is now changing into the woman that she wants to be -- and apparently the woman she wants to be does not include being your wife. Get out now while the getting is good and before you do anything foolish like have kids.

It IS possible to marry young and make it work -- I know, I got married at 21, and my husband and I are fantastically happy with each other. But it's a big risk that you take that you'll "grow up" together through your 20's still wanting the same things, and still loving each other. People change through all the decades of their life, but I really think the early 20's are when most people find themselves and go through a lot of self-evaluation and change (hopefully), and I generally would not recommend that most people get married at that time; statistics show that for most people, it won't turn out well.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 1:00PM
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scarlett2001

I don't see how you can - or should - go the rest of your life in a marriage where there is no sexual compatibility. Sooner or later you will be driven to seek it elsewhere and then bear the guilt. Her repugnance of your "package" indicates serious sexual problems. She may be frigid or a victim of past sexual abuse. I feel sorry for her, she is missing out on one of natures' most glorious experiences, and making you miss out, too.

Would she agree to see a counselor or try sex with a vibrator? Perhaps once she experiences "it", she will begin to be more accepting of both the sex act and affection toward you.

Why are so many women like this? Because their mothers confused ignorance with innocence or even frankly instilled unhealthy sexual attitudes. In Africa women undergo excision of the clitoris so they will never feel gratification. Here we do it in the mind. Either way, it is the ultimate abuse and never, never makes for a happy woman or a happy husband.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 2:07PM
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stargazzer

My advice would be not to waste anymore of your precious years in this marriage. Doesn't sound like she loves you and she may be thinking of leaving, but wants you to be around until she is sure.

About asking.......I probably have way to much pride, but I would never ask for sex ever. Instigate it once or twice yes, but never ask when I knew she didn't like it.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 3:30PM
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sylviatexas1

"she doesn't like men's package and that's why she won't touch it."

I just don't see how you're gonna get around that one.

Here's what nn old friend used to tell me, when I'd be having an anxiety attack over something that I should have disengaged from long before:

"Dam, Baby, that don't work.
Stop doing that & do something that works."

    Bookmark   September 12, 2008 at 5:31PM
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asolo

"....they will never feel gratification. Here we do it in the mind."

Unfortunately, very true. The prevalence of this almost-always-hidden dysfunction is astonishing to me. Common as nails. Lots of asexual men out there, too, I'm told.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2008 at 1:31PM
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suz1023

so sorry you are living like this. and i'm sorry for your wife,too. chances are she may be as lost as you. the good news is you have no children,and you have your youth. i say,part amicably if at all possible,,but do part. best wishes to you both.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2008 at 7:02PM
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silversword

"She said that she never cared for sex and had been tested."

Maybe I'm completely ignorant, but "tested" how?

And if she never cared for sex, did you notice before? Or was she faking it the whole time. If so, she doesn't know herself very well or she is a liar. Both are dangerous.

This all depends on how important sex is to you. If you feel completely connected to her in all other ways, or if this is just an example of your life together.

You say you've been together ten years. How many of those years have you not been satisfied? Women reach their sexual maturity much later than men, but if she liked it/wanted it from you before and something changed, I'd consider that an indication of how she feels about you. Wanting and feeling good about sex (IMHO) comes from feeling intimate and connected, comfortable with my partner.

That's an awful way to live. I'm sorry. I'd request counseling, let her know how important it is to you to spend time with her both casually and intimately. Take time to create "romantic moments", a foot massage, a neck massage, play with her hair, light candles, I don't know, but something you know she likes. See if anything changes. If she doesn't acknowledge your effort at all...Say it with me girls...

"she's just not that into you".

Because someone who truly loves you will see your effort and say something about it, because they love you and don't want to reject you, even if they end up rejecting you in the end because they really don't want to have sex. Does she like kissing? Any kind of sex? or is it all sexualness that she abhors? In that case, be glad you realized it after only two years of marriage. Someone out there will appreciate you for the caring, sexual person you are and enjoy being with you in and out of bed.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2008 at 1:17PM
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lucinda_grow

run away,run away,you are wasting your time/life.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2008 at 12:11PM
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catlettuce

Oh dear, you are so young, get out of there and make a life for yourself!!

(Hug)

~Cat

    Bookmark   September 22, 2008 at 12:40AM
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rivkadr

A lot of you are focusing on just the sex issues that the OP mentioned, but there are other just as worrisome issues that he mentioned, if you ask me:

- She works 5 days a week and is not home until late when I'm sleeping on those days so i don't see her Working five days a week isn't odd, but staying out until you're asleep is. Is she intentionally staying away so she doesn't have to see you?

- Her job has consumed her life and even when she is home she is on the phone with work or texting co-workers. Again, is she intentionally avoiding spending time with the OP? And I can't help wondering who these specific co-workers are that she's spending so much time with and texting with. That would send up a red flag for me.

- We wanted children but she said she changed her mind and will considerate later. Such a major change towards you and the marriage is another red flag. She could just not want to have kids (hey, I'm childfree myself!), but the fact that originally she was saying she wanted them with you, and now she doesn't is rather worrisome.

Then there's the sex issues, which is huge itself. But frankly, tied in with the other things you've mentioned, I'd be wondering if she's having an affair myself. At the very least, I'd be running the heck out the door. Why tie yourself to a loveless marriage? You're too young to be in this kind of situation -- go find yourself someone who makes you happy.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2008 at 1:37PM
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