Do I have problems?

MixedcoupleSeptember 9, 2012

My husband and I have been married for 13 years.

We have one boy together.

I work (normal job and more hours) than he does. he has a union job and I am working for a private company. he always said that it should be fair for both us. I agreed on that, so, I tried to do work equally (usually I do more work) for every house work. we agreed that he will do outside and I will do cooking (he cannot cook).

Usually I am ok with my life, but sometimes (i got stress out or my PMS period) I cannot stand my husband. normal days, I give up some of my expectations of my life (some house work that he promised to finish or will do) and tried to understand my husband's side (usually they have their side of stories), but once a while, when I got angry, I can get over it. I feel like he lies to me, so I got so angry

First, when I start talking about I would like to him to do some work(sometime, I understand that my voice of tone can be frustrated or demanding, Because I know that I can be very demanding, I try not to say a demanding way),

he said that " why don't you do your work and stop check on me like my mom." "You are not perfect either and look at the mirror, I am not your kid.. stop telling me what to do" this is the way starting our war!

Many years ago, he said he will do house work that he promised, it has never done, than I complaint that it was not done, He suggested that i should write down a list.

I tried, but that was a short period that he would follow. and it goes again with the same thing.

Than, he asked me that he need a time line (enough) to do work on his own schedule. so, I asked him that how long he needs to accomplish the or some work. He did not said. of course, i gave him enough a time line(if there is a work to be done), but it has never worked either!!

Now, it goes over over over again. we moved to the new home that little bigger than the old one. I want to clean up and settle down quickly otherwise, it will become like my old home. (you know, the stuff that never clean or use, but sitting in the house and made the house looks really bad..)

He said that he will, but three months later, things are not done yet!!

after we fought, he promised that he will do better(he never start talking this way, the first he will be angry at me for I am being a control freak, than I got really angry, he will said that he is sorry) and will put more effect on what he promised, but now I cannot trust him anymore. Past year, I did trust him and if he tried to put some effect on anything, I tried to be happy with that (although some things never turns out what I expected)

Now, I feel like he will just says that he will do more work to just shut me up. so, he does not have to deal with this matter anymore.

also, I got angry and i cannot get over it. anger become rage!! I scream to him, angry at him, crying .... (this stage comes when he told me that I am just being a control freak!!

yesterday, he told me that I have a problem and need to talk to a counselor. (he said that it appears that I am the one not happy about this marriage and mad about little things, not him, that is why I need to see a counselor.)

I think i do have problem.. I know that three or four days later, we will be find, but this will be again..(my anger)

I was not like this before.

what should i do?

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I think it would help you immensely to understand that men are not women. They don't think as we do. Specifically for the problem you're concerned about, men don't have the same background as far as cleaning, neatening, doing housework--that women do. They just aren't raised the same way we are, AND their brains are wired differently.

As the woman in the relationship, you need to undertand that or you're just going to make yourself very, very unhappy over the years.

Is it fair? Probably not--if you're working more hours than he is, then of course, in a fair world, he'd pick up more of the slack around the house.

Is he likely to change? Doubtful--if you ignore the home situation (give up nagging) he's going to ignore the things that need doing. If you continue to nag and get on his case? He's going to resent it and purposely refuse to do his 'chores' (sorry, but your post DOES make you sound a bit controlling, 'motherish').

What do you do? I know this is really easy for me to say... but you need to find a way to relax. And you need to figure a way to lighten the load for both of you. Maybe you need to do a big purge, getting rid of all the excess things that you really could do without. Maybe revamp the furnishings--getting rid of all the high maintenance stuff in favor of things that are simple to keep clean. Mostly, though, you do need to realize that in life, having a good, peaceful relationship with your husband is far, far more important than a spotless, spiffy house. Really--people are always more important than things. Keep that foremost in your mind, and I think life will get easier for you. Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2012 at 10:09PM
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Amazing how men can lead an army, send highly technical equipment to the outtermost regions of space, ect. etc. but they just can't unload the dishwasher or sort the whites from the colors and turn the knob. As for the mysteries of using the toilet properly...unfathomable!

I would stop engaging in arguments with him. Tell him you are hiring a cleaning crew once a week and he can pay the bill..or start carryng his share of the load. "Their brains are wired differently" Really? How positively Victorian.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2012 at 1:54AM
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"Amazing how men can lead an army, send highly technical equipment to the outtermost regions of space, ect. etc. but they just can't unload the dishwasher or sort the whites from the colors and turn the knob. As for the mysteries of using the toilet properly...unfathomable!"

Uhmmm...and this mode of thinking is not also "positively Victorian"?

I've been on my own for 5+ years since my marriage failed. My house is clean (teen daughter's room excluded), my laundry is organized and folded, my fridge is always stocked and I cook healthy meals for my kids and have gotten them off to school on time every day for 5+ years. My ex on the otherhand, her house is messy, her laundry is all over the house in various stages of being folded and my kids always complain that she never cooks for them, they have to fend for themselves, then when I pick them up at 8pm on a school night, I wind up cooking for them.....

How about maybe, just maybe this not because he is a "guy", and it's just a characteristic of who he is as a person?

But don't get me going about the toilet seat stuff...I mean I always put it down, but seriously, who the heck sits down on something before looking?

    Bookmark   September 11, 2012 at 8:59AM
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Uh... that's exactly what I said, men CAN keep their living space clean, some of them just try to get out of it by saying they "can't, it's a guy thing". Cooking and cleaning are not rocket science.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2012 at 1:39AM
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Oh sorry...misunderstood you.

But I still stick to my position on the toilet seat

    Bookmark   September 12, 2012 at 8:28AM
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Your husband sounds like my ex. We both worked full time but he never did any housework.

All the different things he tells you - like write a list, give me a time line, etc., etc., - are just ways for him to get out of doing the housework. If there aren't any other serious issues in the marriage, my advice is to try and figure out a way to get the housework done without depending on him to do it.

But if there ARE other serious things going on in the marriage - my advice is this - he is not going to change. He'll only change for a little while just to shut you up. Then he'll be back to his old ways. So you have to decide if you can deal with this or not. If you can't it's time to end the marriage because you'll never be happy.

Also, I suggest looking into meditation to help you cope with getting stressed and angry all the time.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2012 at 9:55AM
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I caught the sarcasm Scarlett :)

OP, Your husband sounds like my ex too!! He wanted me to make him a list. Ha. Like he can't look around and see the same dishes, etc.

Funny that he was more than capable of keeping his show car gleaming, his office neat as a pin and his personal grooming immaculate. If you can notice that your hair needs a trim, you can notice the lawn needs mowing.

It's not a man/woman thing. It's a personality thing.

And I agree, either find a way to relax about it or give it up, cause he is not changing!

    Bookmark   September 12, 2012 at 2:59PM
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I think he will change if he has to shell out for a cleaning crew.

So far, the OP has been advised to "relax", throw away some of her possessions, re-vamp the furnishings, find a way to get the house clean without his cooperation, give up, end the marriage and go on medication! Do these things sound right to you? I'm surprised nobody has suggested justifiable homicide.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2012 at 1:47AM
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Scarlett - I said do meditation - Not medication.

We're all trying to help by offering what advice we can think of. OP has the option of picking whatever advice she likes and thinks will work best in her situation.

And if OP's husband can come up with 101 excuses as to why he won't help out with the house work, I bet he'll come up with an excuse why he can't pay to have the house cleaned as well.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2012 at 9:02AM
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I vote cleaning crew! I mean this is a big issue but if the rest of the marriage is good, then you two should be able to come up with a solution. I agree with others that this is probably personality differences but you cannot make cleaning and a clean home as important to him as it is to you.

So in order for you both to be happy get a cleaning service 1-2 times a week or whatever time it would take to do those jobs he can't/wont get to and be done with it.

I have resorted to that in the past when we had three teens at home and my husband was working really long hours. I just couldn't keep up and no one was pitching in. It was very helpful and money well spent. I understand your frustration, but you'll never get him to see it your way so why not compromise with a cleaning crew and hopefully problem solved!

    Bookmark   September 15, 2012 at 11:57AM
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Sounds a bit similar to my situation. In the beginning it was somewhat blissful until it ALL FELL on ME! I noticed it was more 30/70 (me 30%) than a 50/50 sort of deal. Sure, at times I thought "ok, he's working more, etc"...I gave ALL SORTS of excuses in his absence. Until I realized the more I did, the longer he took coming home. He claimed he had side jobs. Oh, the trouble that ensued. Lists? I wrote them for him but he just was too busy to read them and conveniently "lost" them. Still waiting on the woodwork he began in 87 - yes, that's 1987 to be completed. He even has a rental home he purchased in 1981 that has stood empty and abandoned (yet the mortage/insurance/taxes were paid on time while our marriage began in 1984).

Little did I know, he was just being him. Narcissistic *I can't possibly expect him to care for his daughter so I could go to a part-time job HE DEMANDED I GET, for HIS schedule was far too important. Passive aggressive: He cannot (refuses to learn "no time-too important) log on to a computer - so if I don't register HIM for HIS unemployment (my GOD, is this even legal?), I won't have the funds to pay the bills. Even though he makes a good amount on SIDE JOBS, since he is NEVER HOME until 9 - 10 pm at night, THOSE funds go into HIS accounts. Not to be touched by me.

It took me 28 years to get up the courage to see him and this failed union for what it is and file for divorce. It is what it is. I want my life back.

Decide for YOURSELF what it is you truly want. (Mine told me I was nuts too - he was fine. That "I" needed therapy. I was in therapy and was told, "it might be time to end the emotional abuse I was allowing."

Good luck!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2012 at 11:12AM
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Amber, thanks for the correction! I read your post too fast.

I want to share with the good people of this Marriage Forum the solution that my DH arranged with his former wife, when they were married. I cannot believe any woman would agree to this, but he says she did.

She did not like sex very much and was tired of his nagging her for sex, and he was tired of her nagging him to pitch in around the house, so they made a kind of point system - certain chores equaled certain sex acts! (Don't ask me what equalled what, because I don't want to know.) Sounds like a kind of prostitution to me, but he swears it worked. Needless to say I did not care to continue that practice in our present marriage.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2012 at 4:43AM
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LOL Scarlett - no problem.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2012 at 1:32PM
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