Im sure this has been talked about but needing your input

hoakie2601September 6, 2011

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years. Last night I went outside while he was cooking on the grill. He got a text and asked me to check it for him. After this I thought I would just go onto the internet with his phone. When I pulled it up a porn site came up. I asked him and he told me he did not want to talk about it.

I was a little cold with him last night. Not sure what to think. So today when we where comeing home from the gym he opened up to me. Told me that he has wanted to confess to me for a long time that he is addicted to porn. That this has nothing to do with his love for me. Also when guys from his work would send him a txt with porn on it he would tell me that he hated when they did this.

He would always joke with me and say things like I saw that on a movie one time when it came to sexual things. I just laughed it off. But i am a little confused with this.

We talked about our past prior to getting married. But he did not talk about this to me. I told him the bad things that I did when I was single. And he told me things that happened when he was married to his first wife and why it did not work.

This is kind of hitting me hard because prior to meeting my husband I did not attend church on a reg basis. And since being with him we are active members of our church, teach children bi-monthly in Sunday school, Usher and Greet and other things.

I love my husband and I am not going to leave him but I cant put into words how I feel now. He did tell me to turn off the internet off his phone which I am going to do.

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popi_gw

He says he is addicted to porn.....

Does he think there is something wrong with that behavior ?
Is he going to take action to stop?

It is no wonder that you "cant put into words how you feel now". I would say that you are feeling that there should be more done regarding the confession, and no such thing has been discussed, no compromise, or plan.

Maybe you are feeling that you have revealed all about your checkered past before you married...but..he has not done the same thing and you think that he should have.

Maybe you are feeling guilty because you front up at church under a secrecy cloak, as you are married to a porn addict ?

I think if I had this situation, I might talk about it more with him, just in gentle terms, you sound like you have a rock solid marriage, so its worth sorting out this issue.

All the best to you hoakie.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2011 at 2:19AM
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hoakie2601

Thanks for the help popi...

He has asked me to turn the internet off his phone so that he can not get to it. He does not use the home computer and can not use the computer at work. I Have put a password on my home computer so that he cant get onto it.

He works second shift right now so he does not get home until 1 or 2 am and has a beer when he gets home and that is when he is surfing his phone for pron.

But yes he told me that he is addicted to it and asked me for help. I feel good about that. But I feel that he is looking at this because I am not what he desires!

Yes the church thing really bothers me because they have talked openly at church about addictions and porn being a big one. Gave hime a prime time to talk to me about it.

Thanks so much for what you had to say

    Bookmark   September 7, 2011 at 3:42PM
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colorcrazy

Hoakie, you might want to do a little research on porn addiction, but from what you said, your husband could have had this addiction well before he met you.

Have you considered marriage counseling? You might even be able to get it from your pastor. Yes, that would be a bit embarrassing, but maybe it would get your husband to think about the double standard he has created in his life.

Frankly, I am worried about that beer he drinks every night. It might be OK and it could be another addiction. Can he do without for a few nights or does not having a beer change his disposition?

If you live in a city, he could look for a 12 step group to deal with his addiction.

I agree with Popi that it sounds like you and your husband have a good relationship. It is a very positive sign that he opened up to you the day after you found the porn site. Best wishes to you.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2011 at 6:14PM
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asolo

"...a beer..." as in a single beer? Is that what you said?

"...addicted to porn..." except he gets his fix on a cell phone screen? Right.

Somebody got caught being naughty and turned it into disease-jargon to pacify his wife.

Wife is all twisted up about essentially nothing....but is now in charge of all spouse's electronics....as if that's going to solve the likely non-existent problem. No more computer stuff for him. Bad dog.

I think there's a whole lot more to this story.

Strongly suggest you do NOT blab this to counselor or pastor or anyone else. I think I'm reading misinterpretation and overkill.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2011 at 12:55AM
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hoakie2601

My husband has a single beer at 1 am when he gets home from time to time just to settle himself down from work and be able to go to sleep. Weekends he drinks a little more, but I have never said that I thought beer was a problem.

He is the one that told me he was addicted to porn. I am going off what he told me! No I dont like him even looking at porn even if it is on a cell phone screen. Asolo I dont know if you are a man or a woman, I guess it does not really matter your opinion is your opinion. I came hhere to talk to this group because I dont like what I found.

As for more to this story I dont believe there is. I control nothing of his. He still has internet on his phone it is not my place to turn it off if he wants it off he can call the carrier and do it. Since he tells me that this is an addiction he needs to take the steps to fix it.

I came here looking for input and asolo than you for yours as well as everyone else.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2011 at 10:42AM
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asolo

I dunno.....but sounds like some kind of disproportionate guilt-reaction thing on the husband's part to me. Maybe some lack-of-perfection idea that he's obsessing over or something. Maybe church-related soul-searching or something like that. Don't quite get it.

Notwithstanding his confession of "addiction", I don't see that as the issue. Something else going on there, seems to me but from what you wrote I'm not seeing huge deal either way.

BTW, what kind of "porn" are we talking about....bikini girls or whips and chains? Did he subscribe (pay) for access to the site you saw or was he just surfing and forgot to change the page?

    Bookmark   September 8, 2011 at 11:10AM
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popi_gw

I think Asolo has a point. When hubbie says he is addicted, what does that actually mean. Maybe he just said that because you caught him in the act with the phone ?

Perhaps you should google addiction and read about it.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2011 at 11:34PM
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marge727

I'm with asolo on this--if he is watching kiddie porn thats one thing, but otherwise its not the end of the world. Lots of guys who work odd shifts are sort of at loss ends when they come home. Its a little late to start that carpentry project since everybody is asleep, and its difficult to watch the knife sharpening infomercial several nights in a row. Would you prefer that he watch Home Shopping network and start buying stuff? You can always stop that addiction by being up and keeping him company at l a.m. and cuddling.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:13PM
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silversword

My EX husband would come home after work (late) and get on those sites. I didn't much care about that... until I realized he had profiles on dating sites/sex sites. He tried to pass it off as "just porn". Yeah....

Hoakie, IMO, it has nothing to do with you being attractive or not. He's bored. It's entertainment. But if he's so boring he can't find anything else to do at night than watch knife sharpening, HSN or porn... well... then he's an idiot. Sorry. I can find TONS of things to do at 1am that don't involve naked strangers.

PS Marge, while I think your intentions are good... I would not stay up until 1am to "cuddle" with my husband. Sorry. I had to get up the next morning early. He wasn't waking up with me to get breakfast on the table for the kids, etc.

The best part here, I think, is that he admitted it to you straight off. My ex lied. And then lied again. Even when caught red-handed, he lied.

That's why I divorced him. He is a liar. Not because he liked porn.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 12:16PM
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hoakie2601

Marge staying up until 1 am is not an option. A little porn may not be a big problem to most but I dont like it. When I am on the compuuter for any amount of time while he is home, he questions what I am doing. Or if I am on my phone playing a game he wants to know what I am doing. I dont think its fair to ask me what I am doing when I have nothing to hide. Than I find out what he is doing.

We talk about it and I ask him if he has looked at it lately and he tells me no he has not. I know I am stupid for believing him but I do check his phone also.

But I think the biggest issue I have is the whole church thing. But I have spoke to people at church and they tell me that it runs rapid in churches too. But how can you go to church each week (insist if I dont feel like going) and know that you are keep this from your wife.

Thanks again for reading this and giving your input.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 5:53PM
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susanjn

Hoakie, are you saying that sinners should not go to church?

Could make for some very empty churches!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2011 at 7:40PM
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popi_gw

Well maybe he wants to go to church to pray for forgiveness. Better than nothing, I guess.

But its your life, you should do what is best for you, not rely on other people to tell you what is right or wrong.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2011 at 11:25PM
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hoakie2601

Susanjn. I guess I am in so many words! And I am wrong for feeling this way!

Popi I am simply looking for input. I am not taking advise on what to do here. I know what I am going to do. I just have no one to talk to about this and wanted to talk to someone. Sometimes its easier to talk to a strange than to someone that knows you and will judge you.

I have posted in other forums here and never for the criticism that I am getting here. Thanks to the ones of you that listened and just gave me your input!

    Bookmark   September 19, 2011 at 7:18PM
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asolo

Well, ok....but if you think what you've gotten here is criticism and that little bit unendurable I'm thinking you may be more delicate than was at first apparent.

From what you've written, I don't think there's much going on porn-wise to worry about. You haven't been specific enough about it for me to have any other opinion. I don't know what you consider "porn". The other behaviors described are more peculiar. Your man certainly has trouble-in-mind about something. Suspect church-related at the root, but I wouldn't be the one to ask about church-related anything.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2011 at 7:51PM
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