Am I wrong if I feel betrayed, hurt and upset?

anonymous29September 17, 2012

My husband and I got married in 2010. At the time we got married, I hid the fact that I still have 3 credits left for my Bachelor's, which I deeply regret now because what I did was despicable because you don't start a relationship based on a lie. I learned it the hard way and I've apologized to him profusely ever since but he continues to hold a grudge against me, which is comprehensible. I most likely will hold a grudge too if I were in his position.

How he found out is a completely different story. He has a first cousin, though she and I did not have a relationship prior to my marriage, she has always known my family and she was actually the one who introduced me to my husband. Ever since I moved to San Francisco we formed a bond. She refers to me as her sister, and I admired her as a person. I'd speak to her if I needed someone to talk to and I'm always there for her if she needs me. She asks me to move in to her place for an entire week to take care of her kid because she couldn't find a nanny, I don't even bat an eyelash, during her birthday party I babysat her one year old the entire time because he was cranky, and I was more than happy to help. I post her pictures on my Facebook raving about how beautiful she is, and every time I baked a cake for her family I'd put the extra effort to bake a sugar free cake for her husband because he is diabetic.

I honestly believed that we had a bond, and at this point I can't help but feel betrayed when my husband told me that she was actually the one who helped him dig up the information about me. My husband confronted me first with this issue and I always put it off by saying that I needed time to show him my diploma. Apparently they were talking on the phone. My husband was complaining & talking about how he has his suspicions. She agreed and said she has similar doubts. Then she provides him with a website, tells him to visit the site and pay a fee to find out the information about my diploma. They sent him an email but the email was too vague. She apparently urged him that to give her my social security so she take the matter in her hands and dig deeper. He gives her my info and the next day she calls him up saying exactly this-- I have bad news.

I feel completely betrayed. I just wish that she had consulted with me before she asked my husband for my social. She'd still be the role model that she once was to me. I believe that she should've sat down and talked to me about this as opposed to what she did on my back without my knowledge. My husband though thinks what she did is not as bad as I'm making it out to be.

I want to know if he's right. I'm not mad at my husband because I believe he has the right to do what he did. But am I wrong if I feel betrayed, hurt and upset by what she did?

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Wow this is insane. You guys must be very young still for this to seem so important. When I think of all the lies my ex wife told me during our years together, being 3 credits short of a degree would rank right behind admitting to taking the last cookie from the cookie jar in seriousness.

Look him in eyes and tell him you are sorry you lied to him and are embarrassed for doing such a silly thing. If he continues to make a big deal out of it, there might be more to his reaction that anything having to do with the lie you told....then I'd be worried.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2012 at 6:38PM
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While I agree with mkroopy that being three credits short of a degree is, in the grand scheme of things, a trifle, I think you should be as mad as hell at your husband as well as his cousin. I don't understand why it is such a big deal to him and I think his betrayal is worse than his cousin's- after all, he is the one instigating and enabling the search for the information that they felt was so vital. (Why? What difference does it make?) It shows a lack of trust, somewhat deserved, but an over the top response to a minor thing.
Go back to school, finish your degree, and see what his response is. But if he sets his own personal private eye on you again, I'd be out of there like a shot, it smacks of control freak.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2012 at 9:30PM
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I'm having a hard time understanding why having 3 credits left for a Bachelor's Degree is a big deal, either enough of a deal for the OP to lie about it or big enough for the husband to hunt it down, discover it, and be mad about it. But I guess that's not what is in question here.

If we boil it down to the question of whether you should feel betrayed by your friend, I guess so. But there must be other things involved here. If not, and if what you said is all of the story, I would be hurt if she did that without talking to me first and giving me the chance to come clean. And I'd feel the same way if my husband did as yours did and go to great lengths to uncover your "lie" without telling you.

What gave your husband and his sister the cause to doubt you and why didn't they just ask you? (And I still wonder why it's such a big deal either way).

I would rather my relationships be such that the other people could talk to me frankly about their concerns. That said, I think you've got bigger problems than just the husband and his sister going behind your back to find out the truth.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2012 at 3:06PM
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I'm with the rest--whether you have your degree, or are 3 credits short isn't something I'd see as a big deal no matter what.

And make no mistake about it--you should be FURIOUS with your husband. HE GAVE YOUR SS # OUT. That's not cool. It's so far and beyond the teeny little infraction of how close you are to graduation that it's mind-boggling. Your husband says he can't trust you? YOU can't trust him on important things. You have no way of knowing, now, how far that # has gotten, and if in years to come you're going to be dealing with identity theft.

You need to make sure your husband knows that he is NEVER EVER to hand that number over to anyone, ever, without your permission. I've been married 39 years, to a wonderful man I have always trusted, and who trusts me. To this day, I will not put his SS # on anything or give it to anyone without checking with him first. It's not my place to disseminate that info--it definitely wasn't your husband's place to use it against you.

You have some serious issues to handle--probably time to consult with a counselor and your own (not your family) lawyer--you have some potential legal issues here, that need to be properly handled so things don't get worse.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2012 at 7:11PM
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