Should I say something...or not, Please help !!

lonelygirlSeptember 29, 2009

Ok here it goes, my 18 year old daughter has recently had a baby. When she found out she was pregnant she was in university and was somewhat devastated, her and the babies father decided to have the baby and for my daughter to quit school and eventually go to college. He had just graduated from college. As parents they are doing a great job and they love the baby very much. The problem is that I have came across proof that he is advertising for discreet affairs through the internet. I feel so sad for my daughter. I haven't told her yet nor have I confronted him as I am sorta' afraid of the outcome. My daughter seems to really love him and if I didn't know the truth I would believe he loves her just as much. I would love someone else's perspective on what to do....my husband says I should not do anything but that is tearing my heart out. I do not want my daughter ending up with an std or aids. He has also recently joined the millitary and I am scared that she will be a long way from home when she finds out with no support system if I don't tell her.

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sweeby

What about telling HIM that you came across his ad? (Assuming there's nothing wrong with how you happened to come by the information...) And advising him that if he stops NOW, you won't feel you have to tell your daughter. But that if he doesn't, for her health, you feel duty-bound to disclose...

Realize of course, that if he is deployed, the odds that he will cheat (given his demonstrated propensity) seem pretty darned high.

I know you didn't ask, but it might be a good idea for your daughter to go back to school sooner rather than later, as the odds of her needing to support herself seem a bit higher than they used to be.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 3:22PM
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jennmonkey

Would you want to know if your husband was doing this? I certainly would! Do you want your daughter possibly marrying and spending her life with a guy who is already cheating on her (or at least trying to)? Yes, it will be extremely painful for her, but if it were me I would want to know. That's my opinion anyways. I could see not getting involved in certain circumstances, but when it comes to family, or very close friends, I would say something.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 3:28PM
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asolo

Assuming your "proof" is solid, I agree with sweeby. Confront him, not her. He'll either stop or he won't.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 4:08PM
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Bumblebeez SC Zone 7

I tend to think if he's a loser, as it would seem, why give him a second chance? He'll just be even more careful to not be found out the next time. I would tell her and him and let the chips fall.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 6:51PM
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nancylouise_gw

I would have a heart to heart with your daughter. As long as the proof you have is correct and true let your daughter know. She is your priority not the boyfriend. Your daughter's health and maybe life is in jeopardy from this man. It is going to be hard for her to hear, but it is the right thing to do. What she does with the information then on is up to her. Just be there with your love and support. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 7:42AM
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bnicebkind

If you say something to him, and not to your daughter, it may come back later and hurt your relationship with your daughter. Since they have a child together, he will be in the picture for years. What if in the middle of an argument ten years from now, he tells her that you knew years before. I imagine that she would be really hurt.

I have never sent an anonymous letter, but maybe that would be appropriate here because you do not want to rock your relationship with the father of your grandchild, and yet you want him to stop the behavior.

I don't know if this is good advice or not, perhaps others want to comment whether this is a good idea, or a bad one.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 9:46AM
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thermometer

I was thinking anonymous letter too, email actually so you know she received it with the email receipt feature although I don't know if all email providers offer that feature. I wouldn't tell her about him through email. I would prepare her in advance through email. Women always take this kind of thing personally. I would anonymously send her information that makes her realize the problem is his and no reflection on her. Might lesson the pain a little to know some men are just jerks/sex addicts and there's nothing she could do to prevent it. Let her know it's not her fault, and he would do this type of thing no matter the woman he is with. Build her self esteem/self image and sense of worth to know she deserves better and cannot allow a man's mental and ego problems reflect on her and the worthwhile person that she is. Let her know she has to set standards in life, and living up to them requires making extremely difficult decisions that are best for herself and her child. And then I'd tell her what he has been doing in person.

I would not say anything at all to him.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 10:35AM
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asolo

Changing my mind. Last four posts make more sense than mine. I agree with them. Daughter is one who needs the info. This is her situation to deal with.

There will be pain....and you'll likely get a piece of it.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 11:20AM
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sweeby

Yeah - I'm changing my mind also...

I was under the assumption they were married. If they're married, there's much more value to trying to make it work. But if they're not, than helping your daughter reduce her emotional investment in this 'sub-prime' man makes more sense.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2009 at 9:48AM
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scarlett2001

Anonymous letters are not a good idea, IMHO. You have to have the courage to confront this like an adult. I would speak to both of them at the same time.

Very sad and unpleasant. I'm sorry for your daughter.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 3:37AM
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maime

I would really, really want to know and would thank anyone who told me and consider them a true friend. I understand your turmoil it's a no win situation. If you don't tell her and she finds out, she will be very mad at you. If you tell her she may also be mad, but I think she would get over it. First thought is to bring up a conversation about your friend who's husband is cheating, wondering if you should tell the friend.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 7:15PM
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catlettuce

Tell her. It's your daughter & her health is at risk.You're her only mum she'll understand why you had to tell her. Better a little pain now than a lifetime full later.
I know it will be a tough conversation, but its your little girl, she needs you.
Hugs,
Cat

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 1:20AM
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finedreams

I would first make sure it is the case.

Years ago my exhusband was in a carpool wiht few colleagues. one morning two of the colleagues weren't going to work (were on a business trip) and he just picked up one of them who was a woman. my exmIL's neighbour saw him picking her up at a bus station and called me to inform that he is driving women around in the morning. then she called my XMIl and said the same thing. i think you have to be 100% sure first. i was not upset because I knew the story but his mother didn't and she was very upset, she called her son screaming at him how he ruins his marriage by cheating on me. so be careful.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 4:01PM
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catlettuce

Finedreams makes a very good point,make certain first. Very tough spot to be in, my thoughts are with you.
Cat

    Bookmark   October 18, 2009 at 5:18PM
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oreos_mom

Your daughter has the right to know. Discreet or indiscreet,a cheater is always a cheater. Better that she finds out now before they get married or have another child together. If he has joined the military,believe me,their child will be taken care of.I went through this with my first husband and would have given anything had my "friends" told me what he was up to. With AIDS and other std's running rampant,he's taking a chance on bringing something home to your daughter and grandchild that bleach won't take off. Is your daughter going to be furious with you ? Of course she will be. The key is to not make it a confrontation when you talk to her. Just a simple "honey,I've came across something I think you need to know about" may help reduce the anger and hurt. Is she going to believe that you're lying and he's not ? Well, that depends on what kind of relationship that you already have with him. If ya'll are friendly and get along well together,she'll probably be more inclined to believe you than if you and he are always at each other's throats. I wish you and your daughter well, and I hope she opens her eyes before it's too late. It's a lot easier to start over before a divorce than after one.

Susan

    Bookmark   October 18, 2009 at 6:28PM
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