Am I in an Abusive Relationship, Please Help!!

cameleon21September 14, 2010

Ok, I don't know how to start this, I have never done this before but here it goes.

I am 25 years old and a mother of two children one who is 4 and one who is 7 months; I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 18 and have been married to him for almost seven years. He is a military man and he has sexually, physically and mentally abused me and I just need to know if what I am going through is very serious and if I need to get out. I want to get out of this relationship but, I am a stay at home mom I do go to school online which he does not support me doing because he never watches the kids for me so that I can study. Our first base was in the beginning of our marriage was far away from my family. When we got there I was cooped up in a hotel room with one car for him to go to work in. I shortly got a job on base and every time I came home from work he would be on his computer playing games all evening until he went to sleep. He has been playing games ever since, we would argue and fight at least every other day the first year of our marriage. There was not a lot of physical abuse at this time more verbal than anything. After a year in our marriage I found out I was pregnant with our first child, I had quit my previous job before I found out that I was pregnant and had plans on working again but, I knew that I could not find a job with my belly showing. I stayed at home and he took the car to work our one car, so I was left with no car always, he never wanted to spend time with me. One of my friends wanted to come over with her husband one day and I told my husband about it and he still brought home beer, oh yea he drank at least three times a week and would get drunk during the first and second year of our marriage. When he brought beer home I got mad because I knew he would make a fool of himself in front of our company. We got into a heated argument and he said something awful about our unborn child and I slapped him so he cut me on the wrist with the butter knife he was using to make his sandwich. I quickly called my mother because I did not know what to do and she was telling me well you hit him and both of you need to calm down. As I was talking to my mom on the phone he said something and ran up and smacked me right across the head while I was on the phone with my mother, it knocked the breath out of me and I called the cops on him because my mother said if I didn’t she would. After that incident we went to marriage counseling and anger management together. Once my son was born he left my in the hospital for three days and only came to see me and my son for about 45 minutes in the three days. I had no one come visit me; it was just me and my son. When my son was two weeks old I heard my husband yell at him telling him to SHUT UP and I quickly ran down stairs and grabbed my son and took care of him. For the first year of my sons life he kept me there in the house drinking a lot of alcohol on a daily basis, he would stay upstairs after he came home and play his computer games while I cooked and clean and cared for my son by myself. During these times we would get into heated argument when my son would go to sleep, so bad that I would turn off his computer while he was playing on it and he would grab anything near him and throw it at me. One time I was almost a sleep and he threw a screw driver right by my head it hit the wall, he was really drunk that night. This is not the only thing he has thrown at me, he has thrown a picture frame, candle, and iron, deodorant stick that hit my head and made me bleed. There are so many things that he has done I could write a novel on his abuse. The most recent event was when he came home from work and slept on the couch, our four year old went up to his father that was sleeping and tried to give him a kiss and this is when my husband hit our child in his back, he fell to the ground. He was crying and he came to me saying that daddy doesn’t like me anymore. This hurt me and made me realize that he is getting worse instead of getting better. My husband’s routine is usually to work, stay up and play video games or sleep all evening until he has to go to work again and on the weekends he usually leaves us here with no car to party with his friends. Once I had my second child it seemed like the verbal and sexual abuse got worse. He constantly tells my child that “I am sorry mommy doesn’t like you watching this when my child wants to watch a pg-13 movie or show”. He constantly downgrades me in front of our four year old and he tells me to shut up, he has even told my child that mommy just need to go to hell. I am with the children day in and day out 24/7 and have no car to go anywhere, but he gets to leave all the time and choose when he wants to be a parent. He knows that I am the responsible one that will never neglect my children this is why he walks all over me I think. There was another incident before my sisters graduation, he asked me please with you help me, which meant will you give me a hand job, every two minutes all day and night. Because I kept telling him no and ignoring him he threatened me that if I did not give him a hand job that he would go into our three month old child’s room to wake her up. I thought that he was bluffing until he actually opened her door and almost went in, that night I did it for him crying, I cry every two days a week when I have to do it for him and he does not care if I cry while giving him a hand job, he will harass me all day and night until he gets his hand job. I could go on and on about everything that I have been through the last seven years, it has been hell and I have had no support to leave him from my family. My mom just keeps telling me that there is no way that I could support my children financially on my own and I am getting my associates degree in healthcare administration to prove her wrong. I would really like to know if this is considered abuse and if my children are endanger, I believe they are but don’t know what to do about it but to prepare to leave him. Thank you for any advice I appreciate this and for listening to my troubled life.

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blackmail, intimidation, threats, sexual coercion, isolation, control, hitting, mistreating the children...

You know this is abuse.

First thing to do is thank your mother for her support & then find some support.

I don't know how the military works these days;
in the past, wives might get help from their husbands' COs, but if the husband was on a military career path, they often discouraged the wife from saying anything lest it damage the husband's career.

At least make an appointment with the doctor & tell him/her how desperate things are.

& get yourself & your children out of there, even if you have to go to a shelter for battered women;
this is the early childhood that will be with them for their entire lives.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 2:27PM
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"...I could write a novel..."

You did. If it's actually an autobiography, and assuming it's true, I would suggest getting out of there any way you can. Make a plan and do it. yesterday. And don't tell him anything. Just disappear. Do the rest of your thinking from mom's or a shelter. Everything else can wait. Your children are in danger.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 2:28PM
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Asolo's right:

*Don't tell him anything.*

When abusers & control freaks learn that their victims are about to escape, they often go ballistic.

Take care.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 3:41PM
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You know you are. If you needed validation you've got it.

Get your paperwork in order: birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc. Find a safe place to go. Pack a bag, and get the heck out.


    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 9:31AM
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I thank you for all of the support and help, I do need to get out. I do not want my kids in harms way the only concerns that I have with this is that i have about 8 months left until I recieve my associates degree and my counsler is telling me that I can not take any more time off from school. I am afraid if I go threw with this now that I will not be able to finish my degree. This is the one thing that I do not want him to take away from me, and I am afraid about money and I have no support from my mother which I want. I have never been to a woman's shelter and I am just trying my hardest to save up so that we don't have to go there. Right now I have about $3,339.00 in my own account and am just wondering if this is enough to start over. I know my life will be better when I go through with this but, I just want to be able to provide for my kids. I guess you could say that I am scared because all I hear from my mother is that I have no job experience and I don't have my degree yet, so therefore I can't obtain a descent job. She also talks about the economy and all things negative, I would have to say that she is the one who has put me down and has kept me in this marriage in a way. She has made me believe that I could not support my children the way that my husband does. I want to take the leap of faith even if it means that I need to not have a relationship for awhile with my mother, just so I can get on my feet agian without negativity. I appreciate everyone and Russ for the inspiration, I have been writing down everthing and taking pictures of the marks left behind from my husband hitting our child. I am doing this so that he can not harm them again. It means alot to me that so many people actually undertand where I am coming from and giving me the right advice to follow instead of the wrong advice.


    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 12:45PM
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I am so sorry that your mother thinks it's ok for you and your children to be abused. That's exactly what it is; she's telling you you're not good enough (don't have job experience, don't have a degree, can't get a good job) and that it's reasonable for you to put up with this abuse because of it. Imagine your children 20 years from now. Read through what you told us in your first post, but imagine one of your children telling you that it's happening to them. Would YOU tell them to suck it up because they can't do any better? Or would you be telling them to be ready at the door because you will be picking them up in 15 minutes and getting them out of there? How utterly inexcusable of your mother.

Your mother is working against you; don't believe her. Start investingating shelters in the area and make your plans secretly and firmly. Be ready with a plan and exercise it the moment it is possible. If you have a trusted friend (NOT your mother), have her on-call to help. Once you get to the shelter they will help you get settled, get your head together, and get yourself organized. Do not wait. The a$$hole you married doesn't deserve one minute more of your life.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 1:29PM
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By now we have seen this type of post so many times that I propose we condense it into a formula:

Step 1. The OP writes some horiffic story and then asks us naively if it is, indeed, abuse.

Step 2. Lots of response, people are very helpful and supportive. Mass consensus is to leave the abuser.

Step 3. OP posts again, more awful details, ends with some "yes - buts" reasons why she can't leave the ogre.

Step 4. Even more support and concern from answerers, urging a separation for safety's sake.

Step 5. More Yes-buts. People, starting with Asolo, get a bit annoyed and begin to somewhat reprimand the OP for her inaction/ inability to take charge of her and her kid's basic safety.

Step 6. The OP either disappears or writes back after a time that she has had yet another child and all is magically well with her and the abuser/oppressor mate.

End. Roll credits. Fade to black.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 6:12PM
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Scarlett, I understand that you are being supportive just like the others but, I am leaving I might leave right this second but, I have a plan and I am going to stick with it until we are free from him. I have listened to so many people tell me what to do and how to live my life that I guess I just need to trust my gut instinct. Which is to leave but, to put a plan into place so that we can leave with everything that we need. What you described is just like my mother and i guess I have been living like my mother lives. I know that it is abuse I just did not know if it was that horrible of abuse if you know what I mean. This is probably because I tell my mother of the incidents and she just tells me to keep my chin up.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 6:50PM
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You're taking photographs of the marks your husbands beatings have left on your children while "planning" to stay another EIGHT MONTHS?

I can't stand it! Holy s&$!, woman! What's the matter with you? EVERYTHING else comes later. Screw the degree. Screw your mother. Screw everything! Get out of there! Get your children out of there! I don't care if you're broke and in debt up to your eyeballs. You're children are in DANGER! So your own life is manure and you're feeling bad....screw that too. At least save your kids!

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 7:22PM
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Yo, Scarlett

Gotta fess up to agreement with you. Would you have suggested anything other than what I did? There is a pitiful and annoying consistency, I must admit.

Would be nice if she learned what a paragraph was before accepting her degree. Would be useful for getting by the application process.

Overall, I can't other than focus on the kids. What have mothers come to?

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 8:21PM
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I am not planning to stay eight months, I am LEAVING sooner than you think I thought that this forum was supposed to supportive and non judgmental. I thought wrong, I shared my trouble to help guide me into the right direction, sorry that I shared. I do know how to write a paragraph, I just did not focus on grammar and the correct format my passage should be. I am sorry that my husband has taken everything else away from me and I am trying to hold onto something that is dear to me that will make my children�s life better financially! I have plan�s on talking to women shelters to see if I can still pursue my degree because I am so closed to finishing!! I have only taken one picture of my child�s arm and this is so that I have proof!!! I want to make sure that my husband will never be allowed to have custody of them, NEVER!!! So I am trying everything in my power to get out of here and have proof to protect my children�s FUTURE!!!! This is the first time I have ever posted this information about my life on a forum and this will be the LAST!!!

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 8:56PM
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Oh, grow up and deal with your issues! YOUR issues! Hate me later. I'm responding to what you wrote..nothing other!

You're focusing on trivia while your children are at risk. You're responding like such little girl, now. Your children need more than that from you. Just get yourself and children out of there and think about the rest from a distance.

Have your resentment/pity-party later. Act NOW. For your children, if not for yourself....please.

Oh, yeah, I'm a prick. For your childrens' sake, I'm proud to be so.

Over and out.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 9:52PM
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cameleon21, here are some alternate boards for you to check out. They are large, active, and center around military spouses, perhaps that common denominator would be more helpful. Reach out one more time. Not everyone will smack your hand if you do.

Military Spouse Support Network

Military Life & Issues

Military Wives Life, Spouses, Community

    Bookmark   September 16, 2010 at 7:20AM
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If your husband finds out about that money (& he may know about it already & is just letting you add to it), he'll take it away from you.

Then you'll be living with an abuser,
you'll be broke,
& you'll have no degree either.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2010 at 5:35PM
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thanks Russ, I wish you well.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 12:12AM
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I'm not an unsympathetic person. I'm not saying what her mother said, "Stay in the relationship" - just the opposite.

However, how many times have we seen this scenario? And the pattern is almost always the same. If you are new to this forum, take a look at past posts - always the same thing. No wonder police hate to answer domestic dispute calls.

Bottom line is, nobody can help you unless you begin to help yourself.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 1:26AM
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Camille, I got myself out of a similar situation, thirty years ago when there were NO women's shelters, and the police did not want to get involved in a domestic issue. I GOT OUT in the middle of the night, after the last beating, with less than 100 dollars in my pocket and three children ages 1, 5 and 7. I put their clothes in a paper bag and got out. YOU can do this, but stop trying to rationalize and stop waiting for the RIGHT time. The time is now, the degree will come later, you will find a job. GET OUT, you have enough money, get some counseling, and get those kids safe. You are fortunate that there are now safe houses and people that will step up and help you get settled. I did not have that, and a lot of other women have made it out without that support. Just go!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 8:14PM
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