Just putting this out there...
My wife and I have been exclusively monogamous since fall 1988, or right at 21 years. Honestly she was my fourth. The other three were very comfortable sexually, with two achieving orgasm during PIV. I thought thatÂs just how it worked. Early on she said "just assume IÂm enjoying it" and that "I always want to" so I took her at her word. Without trying to be mean she generally lay there with little movement or emotion, much dryer than the previous three (she acknowledged that early on). Predictably my interest quickly waned and settled into a routine of once every one or two months for the next 10 years starting say 1990, always at my initiation, she never turned me down. We married in 91 and in 92-93 on her inactive we saw a sex therapist for maybe six months. I believe her issue at that time is that IÂd quit wanting sex and" didnÂt want her anymore."
Since I could IÂve masturbated daily. Just out of the blue one day summer 2000 I asked her to watch my "secret" porn movie and masturbate with me, which she did (no orgasm, but some touching)? Shortly after that it dawned on me to ask and she said she had never had an orgasm with me. Some time after that, maybe a year or two, I asked and she said she had never had an orgasm during partnered sex, that she had never masturbated to climax, and had actually touched herself very little in her lifetime. She said she "just assumed" IÂd known all of that all along, which I did not. She said at the time we became sexually active she thought "Wow, a guy who is not going to beat me over the head with it" (her lack of orgasm).
Long story short IÂ tried EVERYTHING before finally giving up around 2007. She seems to have orgasms in her sleep on occasion, though I always have to ask to get any details. I got very close to buying a magic wand after a ton of research, and then finally thought "itÂs not my orgasm, and she seems to care less. Why am I killing myself, sheÂs never gonna have one outside of her sleep. Ever."
Now to be fair, during 2000-today some things have changed. She now initiates sex regularly. She on occasion is adventuresome. I am immensely attracted to her, after 21 years, and find her shape very pleasing. On the other hand some things have not changed. Sex continues to be a bargaining element in our relationship. The act is, 90% of the time, a route exercise with me directing and ends with my climax. Unless we get into an argument. Rarely is penetration achieved without astroglide.
These things have been hurtful. Lately I think to myself "how would I approach sex knowing while I might find it mildly enjoyable and entertaining, that there is no release for me. My husband cannot give me that."
So if you made it this far thanks, and maybe if you have any thoughts you can leave them. Or not. I guess at this point itÂs simply aboutÂ"dealing with it" as I do not believe it will ever change.