newguy_gardenerSeptember 25, 2007

Sometimes I wonder if she really loves me or if I just make here feel safe and secure. If she really loved me would she question my integrity? WouldnÂt she want to care for me as I do her? But then tells me that I donÂt care for her frequently. Not much more I can offer so I donÂt understand. Its not like she really cares for me neither emotionally or physically but I still care for her. She asked for a divorce, I fought it for a while but then agreed. Once apart I start my life without and then back again apologizing begging for me. 1yr later she brings up things that I did while I was starting my life without, none of your business as far as IÂm concerned because you didnÂt want to be a part of it. I continually offer my support of your position in your life and your family but I donÂt get any in return. I am too heavy, too cheap, too emotionally unavailable, too much of everything to remember but not too much good. I sometimes wonder if we will grow out of this or if we will just continue to push one another away until we run, or I run. No cooking, no cleaning, no support, no respect, no sexÂÂ.what am I doing here? What is here for me, other than the responsibility I feel for caring for her "till death do us part" I said. But she always says she loves me and embraces me and reminds me that she always says it first. Does that mean you mean it more? I am getting older and wondering, is this it? I want what my dad has or my grandfather hadÂ. A woman who cares for and respects me and cooks and cleans for me and rubs my head and asks me if everything is ok? Is this a fairytale I wonder? Is this a thing of the past and does not pertain to my generation? Sorry for taking your time but I feel better getting it out.

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You sound sad and lonely. Does she work outside the home? How old is she? (I am perimenopausal and have NO sex drive, darn it, but have been trying to be "wifely" to him. And at my age, I have not ONE ounce of energy.) Do you ever cook or clean for her? Both my DH and I work outside the home. He gets home from work a couple of hours after I do, so during the week I start dinner. Frequently on weekends, DH does a lot of the cooking, even though he works a couple of hours on Saturdays. I surely love and appreciate his efforts. When he worked nights, he always had dinner waiting for me after work. We had about 15 minutes to eat together before he left for work. Then I did all the cooking on weekends. He also does a lot of the laundry and nearly always loads the dishwasher. Doesn't do vacuuming (maybe once or twice in 15 years), but would if I asked him. Sounds like you guys need a little more loving communication and maybe some counseling.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 11:31AM
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I think both you and her feel lonely. Its strange how, when married, you can feel lonely.

So what is missing for you both ?

I guess a marriage that is going well, is one where you fit together, like a glove. You seem to be all over the place, not knowing what is going on.

Perhaps you could just decide to be the person, you want her to be. Be the one who initiates the affection, be the one who cooks the dinner, be the one who says "how was your day", do you get the idea ? Through this sort of love and kindness, you might find what you want. That old saying, "what comes around goes around".

I agree with you, what went on when you where separated is not her business.

Live in the moment, dispense with blame, and regret.

"Give one drip of water and a lake of water will be given to you". I read this in the paper today, its a Chinese saying, and I think its so apt.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 3:22AM
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What you want is the stuff you are entitled to --somebody that loves you and takes care of some of the stuff around the house. Unfortunately, that may be like trying to get water from a stone. I never understand why there are men and women who put up with spouses who don't want sex, aren't interested in them, don't communicate and are unhappy all the time. Its plain you are hoping that she will change into a loving, happy homemaker. What makes you think that will happen. Counselors are not miracle workers. You can change and that helps a little, but if she is not interested in making things better, its not going to happen. Unfortunately I am an attorney and see people who have been miserable for 20 years, hoping things will change. They have wasted their entire lives, and sometimes the spouse has serious emotional or mental issues, so thats not an easily changed situation. I don't handle divorces but when I handle probates or trust litigation the entire family ends up talking to me about family jealousies and dynamics, they all see it differently.
Its true you can change some of your behavior to better the situation but there is a difference between cleaning up a small puddle of water and battling a tsunami. A wise man knows the difference, and leaves ahead of the tsunami.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 6:42PM
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Although Dr. Laura can certainly rub many people wrong, 9I suppose I can be in that category at times) she is the only writer I am aware of who addressed this situation head on in a book titled: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" that addresses women who treat their husbands in a way that does not resemble "love". Perhaps you can hand it to her, and tell her that if she really wants to make this marriage work, than read the book. It addresses exactly what you are talking about. There is another book titled "The proper care and feeding of marriage" if you want to look at what you can do on your end to make her feel loved. Both are available on DVD if you don't have the time to read.

Hopefully, she will read it, and finally "get it". If so, it should help her to understand, and decide what kind of wife she wants to actually be.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 11:44PM
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"A woman who cares for and respects me and cooks and cleans for me and rubs my head and asks me if everything is ok?"

You want your mother?

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 8:50PM
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