confused

krb10912September 18, 2007

My fiance has a female friend that he talks to several times a day. He says they are just friends and that she listens to him more than I do. I left him over this once and took him back when he said he would put an end to the friendship only to find out that he spoke to her again after a few days. He met this girl at a bar while out with his friends about a month ago.Am I overreacting or is this wrong of him?

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carla35

It's very wrong of him. "She listens to him more than I do"...You should be the main girl in his life. If he needs to find someone that listens to him more, you shouldn't be getting married.

And, he just met her like a month ago! I could see him having a close friendship with girl he grew up with or something...but he shouldn't be stricking up such strong intimate type friendships with girls while he is engaged to you.

She's new, she listens more than you, he met her at a bar, and he's talking to her several times a day... I think you know the answer. In the SLIGHT chance that they actually aren't sleeping together, he is still being very disrespectful to you by carrying on like this with another girl when you are engaged. Just friends...come on! Get out while you can!

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 10:30AM
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asolo

Big red flag. Listen to Carla35. This guy's not marriage material.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 12:09PM
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emmhip

Even if he is not having any kind of physical relationship with this girl, he is definitely having an emotional realationship with her! I would not stand for this at all, and it does not bode well for your future. What the heck are they talking about all day????

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 12:22PM
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sweeby

An old established long-standing friendship is one thing --
But a girl he recently met in a bar?
So why was he talking to new girls in bars anyway?

Bye bye Boyfriend...

    Bookmark   September 19, 2007 at 4:07PM
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popi_gw

He insulted you when he said that she listens to him more than you.

Maybe that's a blessing, not a good basis for a long term relationship, is it ?

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 12:46AM
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amyfiddler

Not a match. He's longing for stuff he doesn't get in the relationship with you, and that could be a combination of both your (faults-bad word to use) -

I'd recommend ending the engagement if the 'listening' issue isn't addressed and solved head on. The girlfiend is a by-product that will evidently be his way of solving his relationship problems - you don't want to mess with that.

Perhaps at the very least you can dig for an understanding of what he needs from you - and you can learn from that and implement that in your next relationship.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 12:25PM
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weed30

I would give your fiance the ring back, and a huge hug for letting you know what a supreme jerk he is before you made the mistake of marrying him. Seriously.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 8:27PM
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carla35

sorry amyfiddler, have to disagree with you. I doubt there are any real "listening" problems that need to be worked on. I'm pretty sure her fiance's just a jerk and the "listening" thing is just an excuse to be able to carry on with his girlfiend. Not only is he carrying on with someone else but he's going to try to blame it on the poster to reflect the problem back to her and get the attention away from him.

Yes, he's longing for something he can't get from his girlfriend alright ...that's sex with another woman.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 10:55PM
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amyfiddler

I hear ya -
At face value I would say, RUN from the sob. That said, I also know there is always more to the story, so I like to cover all ground with that assumption. Even with my best friend, where i believe I know all the ins an outs of her relationship, I seldom assume that her side of the story is all there is to it.

I just hate to make the blanket statement, Dump the Loser, when there just isn't enough info. Of course gut reactions to two and a half lines of info would say the guy's unquestionably sleeping with said floosy - !

One of my peeves in life is when there is an interpersonal struggle, that anyone including parties involved would assume that it is the fault of one person, or that there is a bad guy. Maybe no one is "the" bad guy here, it's just not a match. I'd hate for parties to walk away from a marriage, engagement whatever without examining themselves as well. That's how repeat mistakes get made.

I think we can all agree that it's disgusting for someone to cheat - IF that's what this is. However, people cheat because they are either pathalogically narcissistic or they simply are not happy in their present relationship and they lack the maturity and skills to address those things appropriately, either through 1. solving the problem or 2. recognizing the problem is unsolveable and thus terminating the relationship before searching out another.

Blabla blaaaa, I'm full of words this morning. Gonna go work out instead....

    Bookmark   September 21, 2007 at 11:50AM
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carla35

Oh, I totally agree with you about there always being two sides to ever story. And, I know that even when people cheat, there are often contributing factors from the so called 'victim'. But, these people aren't married...there's nothing to try to save; there's only something to get away from. And, although there are two people in a relationship, 'sometimes' there really is just one real bad guy.

Bottom line, though, it really doesn't matter if the OP is a big bi*ch herself or the nicest girl in the world, her fiance doesn't care enough about her or their relationship to not carry on with other people, to not pick up girls in bars, to not to even try to hide it, and to try to blame her for it. He's controlling, cheating and disrespecting her on so many different levels that's it's impossible to see a good outcome in this relationship. Suggesting there's hope... and that it's something she may need to work on it just too far out there for this situation. His actions are more than inexcusable no matter what the reasoning. The only thing I would think may even help in this particular situation would be a good boob job. He really is just a jerk, IMHO.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2007 at 12:54PM
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just-me

You are young... You set the standards... Beware of this Creep in the making... and it will happen it is only a matter of time...

Get yourself out of the situation... try to keep the ring. No diamond in the world is worth the pain of infidelity.

I know this is hard but you deserve a commitment he is not giving this to you...

peace

    Bookmark   September 22, 2007 at 1:37PM
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asolo

"... try to keep the ring."

Ridiculous.

Give it back. Break it off. Go your own way...with relief at what you've learned.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2007 at 2:36PM
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scarlett2001

Let's not be too hasty here..how much is that ring worth? (Just kidding.)

Is it possible that the guy is so clueless that he doesn't KNOW that when you are engaged or married, your shopping around with other women ends? Maybe she should educate him
to this fact. I am always amazed at the things otherwise intelligent males seem to miss. For example, I had to teach my husband that when we go to a wedding (HIS side of the family, so I did not know very many people there) he needs to sit with me in the church. Duh!

    Bookmark   September 23, 2007 at 12:55AM
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KarenSmithBarney

Ohai! Karen, he should have really told you the whole truth about this other girl. All The things that he told her. What a sad sad sad situation you are in. I truly feel sorry for you. Plus, do you really want to marry a guy who is drinking himself to death? And embarrassing you?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2012 at 12:32AM
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kushy28

If you have any doubt speak with your fiance directly.If you are not satisfied by his conversion better leave him as no one will be happy & peaceful with confusion and no trust.Before marriage every one will have friends like this.But soul mate is only one.Don't think too much about this.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2013 at 3:18AM
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zzita

I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends, of any gender.

I have a much bigger problem with him going back on his word.

In your shoes, I would invite her to coffee, just the two of us. I would be friendly, and listen more than I talked. What is her understanding of the situation? Did she know he had a fiancee? Does she have a partner? Is she interested in being more than friends? (She may not answer if you ask, but if you don't ask she might tell you... be a good listener, let her open up.)

If you are lucky, you might be able to make friends with her yourself, and that might make her less likely to do anything that would hurt you.

Your fiance, though... I would have a serious talk with him about breaking his word. I would tell him that I'd much rather he refuse to give up the friendship than lie about it. I would ask him what else he lies to me about. I would be alert for future problems in this area -- lying, and telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

(I figured you might want some advice other than 'DTMFA', for variety :).

    Bookmark   March 5, 2013 at 8:14PM
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emma

People always have excuses for situations like this, his is pretty flimsy. Usually it is just for the excitement of someone new and it won't stop. I would never marry him.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2013 at 4:35PM
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suzieque

This thread is 5 years old ..... The OP probably has made a decision by now; I hope it was a good one. :-)

    Bookmark   March 12, 2013 at 9:15AM
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