need advice

anderson253September 26, 2006

Theres another problem I need help with,we have been together for 5 years, my husband makes me feel like all he wants from me is sex, I mean I know he loves me, but its like he wants to do it constantly, Ive had 2 kids I dont feel like doing it as much as he does, I mean I cant even hug or kiss him without him getting the wrong idea, and he starts the touchy feely with me, sometimes it just makes me mad,I like to show affection towards my husband, but I cant because he starts,sometimes I like just to get a hug or kiss without having to do it,he tells me to show him I love him, but their are other ways besides sex, Ive told him how it makes me feel and he acts like it makes him mad, when I tell him NO,he wont speak to me for hours, its like I have to give in just to be treated like Im somebody,and Ive told him this, but nothing changes any sugestions?? Please help?!

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I know exactly what you mean because I was there a few years ago.

I would hope that you resolve this better than I have because I have found myself after 25 years of marriage not often offering affection of any kind to my very affectionate and wonderful husband. This makes us both far less happy than we could be, but it has become almost impossible for me to be affectionate because, like you, I know this will result in my having to say "no dear, I didn't mean it like that." My husband rarely if ever gets angry about this but he looks sad or he doesn't believe me and keeps on trying hoping to change my mind. This makes me annoyed and I feel like he isn't listening, but then neither am I really at that point.

I am trying to change and it is getting a bit easier now that our children have left home but sometimes that creates its own problems!

Anyway I wish you luck in resolving this between you because it can break a relationship. If not for my husband's infinite patience I know our marriage would have ended

    Bookmark   September 27, 2006 at 1:12AM
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This was starting to become a bit of an issue with us, but we managed to work out a system that works pretty well.
After trying to tiptoe around the issue without hurting his feelings, I finally had to sit him down and discuss things honestly, with me reassuring him that I loved him, found him incredibly attractive and sexy, but admitting that my appetite just didn't appear to be as great as his. I told him that the times we were both in the mood were incredibly wonderful and meaningful, but that I didn't want to dilute those experiences by trying to 'force' them at times that just wouldn't work for me. And that I didn't want to dishonor those times that were truly wonderful by pretending. But at the same time, I knew he needed more than he was getting, and I wanted to take care of him because I love him and want to keep him happy.

So basically, we have two kinds of encounters -- the 'us' kind and the 'him' kind, and they're completely different. The 'him kind' are more of a 'taking care of business' thing to keep his chemicals balanced, and over time, he's come to realize that he shouldn't try to prolong those or turn them into the 'us kind' of encounter. And I've come to accommodate those times more willingly because it really is just a few minutes out of my day that keeps him happy, and keeps the 'us times' really special and wonderful.

So now when I sense his interest, I can just ask him if he needs a little something, and he understands. Or, I can let him know that I'm interested, or could be and he understands that too. And when I'm in the mood to just snuggle or cuddle, I can tell him "I'd love to snuggle with you" and he understands that what I said is the full extent of what I meant.

I guess it's really the old 'wifely duty' approach, but if it keeps him happy...?

    Bookmark   September 28, 2006 at 11:44AM
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Men are different from women--they feel that sex is love. Its a struggle for some of them to be romantic enough to not throw you to the floor on a first date if they think you are wonderful.
I'm older than a lot of you but a newly wed again, and I don't think men understand why some women would like to just sit and discuss stuff at 10:00 at night, or cuddle. They think its just a power play to tease them.
I suspect they think about sex more than we do--so they are ready and don't need a warm up. Many women are surprised that their husbands or guys want sex again tonight. Its like we just did that last week.
So if you want to pick the time and place, set the scene yourself. Wine, dinner, whatever, and set the mood. Pick a night when football isn't on. Then at least you will be in the mood.
I don't know if you should tip your hand on the phone early that day or not.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2006 at 12:55PM
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If I were in your place, I would be just outright happy. Sex for men is just an instrument to show their affection. Hips don't lie.... If he wants you so much - he does love you. I would be convinced, totally, anyway.

Comeon, how many years do we have? ENJOY!

    Bookmark   October 13, 2006 at 12:34AM
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This seems to be a common problem, and I don't understand it. Men and women differ in a fundamental way: After just about any man has had an orgasm, he is physically incapable of having another one for a while.

So if he starts getting "touchy feely" with you, jump his bones. C'mon, how long does it take if you're really in a hurry? Afterwards, not only will he be in a good mood, and it will be his turn to give you what you want.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 9:29AM
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My husband is the same way in which if I just hug him or kiss him he gets turned on. It is so bad I cant even give him any affection at all in public without him "pitching a tent".
However,he has never,ever been mean or mad at me in any way if I say no,not right now. But then,he knows I will more then make up for it later when I'm ready.
There are times when I just hurry up and give it to him anyways though.Like the other person posted,life is short! Sometimes it nice to just make him happy/relaxed for the rest of the night/day or whatever.
And,you should feel privilaged! I know women who cant get their husbands to want to do it with them.After two kids,you should feel glad he is still that turned on by you.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2006 at 1:23AM
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"Pitching a tent"....LOL

    Bookmark   December 28, 2006 at 1:27AM
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