Anyones Husband Married to Hos Work???

bulldinkieSeptember 19, 2002

Mine is and the older I get the more I find Im resenting it. Hes a contractor ,he owns his own company. No sign of slowing down. Hell say well soon be caught up . That never happens though. Like yesterday he left at 5:30 am. He came home 6;00 pm Ate dinner packed truck for today, did some other things showered,watched a movie fell asleep. I saw him about 1 hour yesterday.. Today oh yes I got up 6;11 he was gone.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
pkock

Sounds familiar. Mine has never owned a company or been in management; he simply feels that a job is a huge responsibility and his co-workers will be disappointed if he doesn't do what he's expected to do. That sounds good for him, doesn't it? I mean, it's true about the responsibilities, but he has always carried it too far.

For example, he recently broke his foot on the job. His job involves a lot of walking. At first he was reluctant to even claim workers' comp, feeling as if he was "cheating the system", sheesh, but decided to do it out of fear our insurance wouldn't pay for it since it should be a workers' comp claim. He did not miss one day of work, even scheduled his doctors' appointments around his work schedule. He continued to work - on foot, with heavy lifting - when the doctor told him he ought to be on light duty with a cast. But noooo, that would mean his co-workers had to do extra to compensate, and he couldn't let that happen. And what is the real reason? He's on the overtime list. If he takes time off, they'll remove him from overtime, and he'll just be earning base salary.

This is a man who has claimed maybe 3 sick days in the past ten years...and those days have involved hospital visits. Hey, he even went into work the morning before my induction, showing up at noon to drive pregnant me to the hospital, after first asking if I could get a ride. He's been called in to work during vacation weeks, and gone. He is never available for the kids' soccer games, etc., is so crabby when he gets home that the kids actually hope he'll be home late. For three months this summer he only got one day off a week, and that was spent with home repair stuff (work at work, work at home!) I'd rather have him home more often and do with less money, even though it'd be quite a struggle.

Sorry so long, but this is a sore point with me. :)

    Bookmark   September 20, 2002 at 12:31AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bulldinkie

same here Im about at my limit with him. He wont take off when sick his theory is keep busy you wont have time to think about it. a few years ago I went in the hospital for a hysterectomy. He stayed till nurse took me up and he says I have to go check on the guys. He left. He never liked my female dr Im thinking she reemed him out for leaving.Im closer to the kids than he because while he worked all hours I was the one who went to school functions,dr app. baseball,softball games. Mine actually has 2 businesses hes partner in one owns another.But one day hes gonna be a lonely man when kids are gone Im gone then hell wonder where time went.and his family.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2002 at 7:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
amygdala

If his work serves a function for him, in terms of resolving stresses or allowing him to feel like he is 'doing' something then it serves a valuable function in his life and for his well-being.

That is to say that the appearance of being married to his work is what it looks like from the outside. From the inside it may be that his work activity and reality help him by providing good outlets for internal stress and energy he may have.

Work itself can cause or increase one's stress, but some people do find that what looks like being married to one's work really works for them in life. This kind of thing might be like the opposite extreme from people who find quiet and meditation more useful for them.

Disagreements, or intra-relationship conflicts of this sort are good for relationship counseling so that both people can kind of have a third party pro help them to better understand each other-- and help them work out ways to better meet each other's needs. The scheduling, and formality of an office environment can help provide a somewhat neutral setting.

children tend to love their parents, even if one is far more present in a day to day manner than the other; life is usually long enough to get to adulthood and through the intevening stages of development and things can change for the better

    Bookmark   September 25, 2002 at 10:02AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
akaDenise

Working too much has long been identified as an addiction (workaholism - duh) because it's a way to avoid dealing with issues that cause discomfort. Some people get so much of their identity and self esteem from their work that they feel compelled to work long hours to get more of the kudos and respect from coworkers and bosses that they crave. The point is that they are trying to convince their boss/coworkers to believe they are awesome employees and that the company couldn't keep running without them - because they don't really believe they are all that, unless somebody else believes it too. Others may be unhappy with something at home and be unable to think about or talk about that issue. So, instead they spend too much time away from home, sometimes at work, sometimes playing a sport or coaching and sometimes just avoiding their home by hanging with friends. What I'm trying to say, is that nobody spends most of their waking hours at work because they love working - they do it because the get some kind of payoff from doing it.

In any event, a guy who won't take time off when he's sick or when his family needs him is scared. He can't leave his job to somebody else because he's trying to maintain a false image of himself . He may swear that he's not afraid, but by now you've probably got a good idea of what's really going on here. It may not be about you at all. This is not a simple problem and demanding that he spend more time with you won't work because it won't solve any of the issues that are driving him to spend so much extra time at work.

Denise

    Bookmark   September 25, 2002 at 1:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bulldinkie

Denise=I think thats alot of it,I have a health problem that will lead to transplant,theyre talking about it now. and I think he thinks if he keeps busy he dont have to think about it.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2002 at 3:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Kevin_S

Sounds like a true work-a-holic. You won't change him. Get used to it.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2002 at 9:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
akaDenise

Nothing makes me madder than some guy saying "get used to it." Especially when that useless advice is about something another man is doing and that something is an unhealthy addiction that's hurting his family.

If you want things to change, you've got to change yourself first. If this were my DH, I'd drag him kicking and screaming to a marriage counselor and if I couldn't get him there, I'd go by myself. I don't believe in picking at trivial things or dealing with every detail that comes up in a marriage. This situation is not trivial and not something that I personally could ignore.

Denise

    Bookmark   September 28, 2002 at 11:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Kevin_S

akaDenise, are YOU married? Probably not. To bad your p*****. What is she supposed to do......put a gun to his head. Your right, her situation is NOT trivial. So do YOU have all the answers? Yeah right.
bulldinkie, I did not mean to make your problem trivial at all. But from what I read....my opinion was that he will not change. Maybe Denise could come over and talk to him and drive a wedge further between you two.....
"some guy"

    Bookmark   September 29, 2002 at 8:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
akaDenise

Hey Kevin - Yes I'm married. And I'm happily married too.

You're right. I don't have all the answers. I do get real tired of lazy thinkers who tell us to "get used to it," instead of offering any real suggestions or help. If you take a look at this particular thread, you'll notice that the OP was looking for suggestions. I understand that you belive that he'll never change, that's your opinion and you have a right to it. I've had a different experience with men and I know they can change and do change when they're ready to improve their lives. Being cynical and negative seems like such a waste of life.

Denise

    Bookmark   September 29, 2002 at 12:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Kevin_S

Denise, point taken.....men CAN change. I have. But they must WANT to change. No one can make them. bulldinkie's husband may never realize that life is passing him by. Sometimes PEOPLE, (men AND women) get caught up in there own worlds and think everything will be "all right", just one more bill to pay off when in fact time is flying by. I almost lost EVERYTHING I valued because of selfishness. Thank God I came to my senses.
bulldinkie , all I can offer you from my heart is to tell him "I NEED you to slow down....I NEED you to spend more time with ME, we are a team, are we not? The bills will get paid but life is so short and getting shorter." Counseling may help, if you can get him there. I would bet he thinks there is nothing wrong though.
As I get older (I'm 45) time IS speeding up. I realized that when I hit 40. By the way......I'm married also, to a very lovely woman who is my queen. She is my best friend.
I hope things improve for you dinkie, I really do.
"Some guy"....aka Kevin.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2002 at 5:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
nadine01

my dh and me are going to sell our company. we decided a year ago to start our own buisness, and it sucks. some times my dh gos a week without seeing our youngest (5mo) and my dd cries some days (she's 3yo) cause daddy is not here. my dh dosn't like working for the "man" but he says at least he'll be home for supper. he dosn't want to be one of those old men who have no relationship with there children and are divorced. my sympathy to you ladies.

nadine

    Bookmark   September 29, 2002 at 9:22PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bulldinkie

Hes not gonna change were married 32 years its been this way all our life. Were pretty well off too so its not money hes worried about. we were together all weekend he called awile ago and said Im gone 2 1/2 hours and I miss you already... so see Im confused...

    Bookmark   September 30, 2002 at 11:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
amygdala

He is a human being, like yourself, with his own internal workings.

He might have a different way of perceiving his situation and your situation, and your situation together as a couple and as a family than you have. His view of his role, as the one he 'should' aspire to might be different than what you think or feel (or both).

Spending all weekend together is a lot of time for some people. It's not nearly enough time for others, and most people have perceptions someplace in between. The foreknowledge of going can create a feeling in someone of 'missing you already' when they then have some physical distance.

People get things from their work. A sense of fulfillment, a chance to 'be someone' in the world or in their field. It allows a person a wider sphere of operation generally and a lot of people benefit from that in a healthy sense. A husband/wife kind of role ideal may foster or reinforce what a man might feel as a real need (of his) to be a 'good provider' in a material sense. And, all that kind of stuff is just the usual. Any individual situation involving individuals is going to have its own quirks and complexities. His view, in thinking and feeling may be that he is married to you; and that he has a job and is a good (or at least adequate) husband and provider.

Your view, in thinking and feeling may be very different. The communication challenge is how to work with yourself (and all your thoughts and feelings about role ideals and so on) and with your husband in order to reach some kind of mutually tolerable solution.

It sounds like you have a lot on your 'individual' plate so to speak, within your larger relationships. That can change a person's needs and values (temporarily, or permanently, but clearly it could introduce change). You are the more directly affected and that fact alone can put you in the position where you will have to communicate-- directly, and as explicitly as possible-- what your new needs are. Unless he has a lot of experience with different people who go through the kinds of health situations you are facing (and their partners for that matter), he's really not likely to just know what your needs are-- or how to react.

This is an aside from the direct relationship issues. Local support organizations for people with different health issues or facing transplantations and things like that are usually really good for local information and offering support (in a way that even a totally devoted and empathetic partner just can't hope to match). They usually have all kinds of 'affected' people. Those who have the problems will be around, and so will various family members and partners or spouses. This can be a very good way to enable your husband to even possibly meet (or just communicate) with other spouses. You can find people who can help you to feel more supported and let you know what it's been like for them-- and about tips they have. Your husband might benefit from having access to people who have been spouses (and who are spouses) of people who have similar medical problems. Those spouses are probably in a position to give him tips about being a better partner-- minimally they can give him access to resources that can enable him to be a better partner to you with respect to this challenge.

you can learn to be direct about your needs (for another weekend together? at a bed and breakfast, or someplace that would help you to feel best-- both in anticipation and as a memory); the trick is to try to meet him half way because he has his own needs and because imposing severe unilateral change is a good way to experience predictable disaster

P.S. If you want to plan for longer than a weekend, or something more complicated talk to him. Schedule things-- this may be necessary because if he has his time already spoken-for with professional responsibilities he may not be able to just up and go. This can get complicated because an ideal in, and of 'love' is often that people can and should just do whatever they feel-- and that they would. The problem of reality is that some business obligations and scheduling can be legally binding; or result in personal (which ends up affecting the relationship) disaster if disregarded.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2002 at 8:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jade_NY

Yes, my husband is married to his work, and I feel like a piece of furniture sometimes.

He left for a job interview in another city just two hours after I got home with my new baby. I was left alone after a c-section with a 4 year old and a new born.

He spends long hours at work and he gives his all and then some. He is totally spent once he is home and can't even carry a normal conversation without dozing off in front of the television. He can't change. I don't feel I can expect him to because that IS him. We have known each other for almost 30 years, and married for 25. He has always been that way. I am afraid I am getting used it, but our family situation is deteriorating. I have developed ways to deal with it, some good, some bad.

Thanks for the insights provided here. That give me something to think about.

How are you dealing with your situation, Bulldinkie?

    Bookmark   October 29, 2002 at 9:22AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bulldinkie

I think your right no chance of him changing. He cant sit down 1 minute. Hes wasting his life away stop smell the roses. I know what your saying were watching tv 2 minutes hes out. There I sit by myself, night after night.He once took me for a hysrterectomy ,the nurse came to get me,he says Ill be back I have to get the guys busy. They posponed because of my health I guess they were afraid to start and no one was there to sign if something went wrong.Its hard with my health at times I feelIm in this alone. Parents,grandparents are gone.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2002 at 6:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jade_NY

I am sorry to hear about your ill health. I don't have family around either ( except two grown children ). Hope you will be strong enough to support yourself and to develop supports. Sometimes that's what we have to do.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2002 at 10:46AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Aliciamorales464_yahoo_com

My husband is so married to his job and I don't know how much more of it I can take we have been married for 13 years and have four kids my husband works overseas and is suppose to be home six months out of the year but for the last few years it's been more like three or four months out of the year we only get to see him a few weeks every other month if that our kids are getting older and it's getting harder for me I feel like I'm the only one raising them and he is just supporting them it gets very lonely at times and I just don't know what to do I know he has to work so we can survive but his job is always calling him back on are family time and it dosnt seem to bother him that we are here hurting for him to be home he is going to wake up one day and all he is going to have is his job and nothing els!

    Bookmark   April 17, 2011 at 8:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ASM464

But sometimes I wonder if that's what he really wants!

    Bookmark   April 17, 2011 at 9:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
asolo

Perhaps he's found better grammar elsewhere. Amazing to read the complete story of your discontent in one huge entirely unpunctuated sentence.

Also might consider starting a new thread since more than eight freaking years have passed since this one died.

Otherwise, do you have a question?

    Bookmark   April 17, 2011 at 9:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ASM464

Sorry to bother asolo this is first and last time I post here and how's this for puncation f.u.c.k y.o.u.!

    Bookmark   April 17, 2011 at 10:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
asolo

Well, that surely was fine "puncation" all right. You must have been studying.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2011 at 12:09AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
tracystoke

asm464,you forgot to put a capital F.Asolo you are one pathetic peice of shite.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2011 at 3:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
asolo

And you're just cute as a button.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2011 at 10:20AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mkroopy

Children fight nicely now....

Damn, and to think I opened this thread thinking it was about guys married to "hos"....that would have been a lot more interesting.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2011 at 2:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
tracystoke

REALLY,you didnt want a response then ?

    Bookmark   April 22, 2011 at 6:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bafarnegth_q_com

Wow. This is a very real problem. My husbNd is never home either. Its really hard when u have kids. I guess u learn to deal with it or divorce. There have to be men outt there that like spending time with their wives. Its not always greener on the other side.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2011 at 1:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
tracystoke

Lol asolo I bet you love thatt lastt post,and the grass is greener sometimes.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2011 at 2:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
asolo

eyecontinyoutubeeamaized maybeeeye shud joyne wyth yoo awl to hep raze up the level uv discustion aye like green grass two yes.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2011 at 10:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
rustyisnot_comcast_net

been married 27 years, both of us work, but he is the workaholic. I have been trying to tell him for years i would be happy with less just to have some time with him. That never happens. Try and try with no success. So maybe it is really hopeless and maybe I should just get the hint, I am not important to him. But someone else thinks i am.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 7:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
asolo

OK, then, imagine cutting your accustomed assets in half and think about it again.

Four choices.....1) with him the same 2) with him but better...if you can get him to wake up to it...and assuming you still like him 3) alone 4) with the other guy...or some other guy...who, I would assume, could bring his 1/2, assuming similar to yours, with him.

Haven't even touched on family/friends, but there it is, basically. Come on back and say how it looks to you.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 8:28PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Cheating Husband
I met my husband 23 years ago. We married 1.5 years...
The-Good-Wife
My marriage is falling apart, I don't know what to do
There is no short way to put this. I am going to include...
DistressedWife
Viagara - Sorry long
Here's my issue a few months back my hubby (45) had...
turkeytrott
My husband became cold, apathetic, after we came back from vacati
Me and my husband have been together for 13 years,...
karine81
34 weeks pregnant; so unhappy with husband
This will sound like a case of pregnancy woes..and...
jjaymo
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™