I am confused

lonelyloverSeptember 21, 2010

Hi everyone. I am gonna start at the beginning 5 years ago I met this great guy. We dated for 3 months then I ended it because I was to much alone we lived far apart from each other and didn't see each other enough. In the 5 years that we didn't had contact I got married and have a baby boy. Oct I am married for 2 years. He got married (only because she got pregnant) he is married now for 3 years with 2 children. Aug he made contact with me. We started talking like the old days and then he told me he still love me. I know I still love him also but I didn't want him to leave his wife. I begged him not to divorce her. I even started to be best friends with his wife and she knew we did date in the past. I even asked her if I should break off contact with him if it bothered her but she asked me not to because I meant a lot to them. She went to her father-inlaw and told him I want to take her husband away from her. He phoned me and told me to stay away or he will sue me for thousands. I broke all contact with him but I am hurting and he doesn't understand what is going on why I am ignoring him. I love him still. Things isn't going great between my husband and me. I have to move out of town because of a job I got and my husband is gonna stay here. I don't know what to do and if I did the right thing. I am so confused. Someone help me please.

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Fisrt-- On what grounds is her father-in-law going to sue. Seems to me that was one empty threat!!

It seems to me that the 2 of you need a reality check. You had your chance and you both married others and have kids. Being friends with him and his wife is not a good idea. The grass is always greener on the other side of the street, you both may give up your marriages only to find out that the stress that would cause would drive you apart.
Just think who would suffer the most--it would be the kids.

Yes you did the right thing by cutting bonds with him. BUT you are doing the wrong thing by moving away from your husband for a job. If things aren't going well between your husband and you you have to work on your marriage and you can't do that by long distance.

Forget sbout this guy and try and go for marriage counsiling. There must be some reason you decided to marry him in the first place. Concentrate on that.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 12:43PM
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It sounds to me like you have done the right thing up until now. I don't mean to sound presumptious, but it almost sounds like you want to do the right thing, but part of you wants permission to not do the right thing. I can understand where you are coming from. I have been in a similar situation a long time ago.

I will say that the only way you will be able to move on is to break clean of the whole situation. If you and your husband end up splitting up, with you moving away, you don't need him to blame this guy for what was not going to work anyway. And you need to be able to leave with a clean conscience. If his wife told her father that you want her husband, she is noticing something that you were trying to repress. You were clearly giving off signals that she could read even though you were trying to do what was right and still stay near the man you care about.

My advice, go to your new job and try to make a life for yourself there, break clean from the other man, you can let him know where you are going, but you may find out that with you not there for temptation, his marriage might settle down. Let things go the natural course with your husband. If it works out, good, if not then you have done what you can. You cannot in with good intentions, lead this man away from his wife. His decisions are his and so are the consequences. Do not put your life on hold for him. You need to take care of you and your child first. The rest will fall into place.

Good luck with you situation. I hope you can make the best of what you have,

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 12:51PM
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You cut off the relationship with him because you lived far apart and didn't see each other enough. Now you are going to move out of town while your husband stays at home. So now you'll be away from your husband. How come it's Ok to live far from your husband but not ok to live far from the boyfriend 5 years ago?

If you want to divorce your husband, taking this job and moving away from him is a good way to get that accomplished. But don't do it because of the other guy. If you want to work on your marriage, then prioritize it. Either decline the job or see if your husband can change his job and go with you. Make your own choices for yourself (and your son) regarding your marriage. Don't make your choices based upon the other guy.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 1:18PM
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Some people go through life following their romantic impulses and leaving a trail of emotional carnage behind. Think Hollywood couples, they pair, split and re-pair constantly. I count three young children here, two innocent spouses and one concerned father-in-law. Do you ditch everybody for a romantic whim that may or may not satisfy you? The adults will survive but what about the kids? They don't get a second childhood.

Maybe the confusion you feel in your life is not going to be filled by "love" or a man but by becoming a more mature woman. Find something that interests you passionately and follow it. Pursue an interest that can lead to a great career, give something back to your family, community and country, increase your education, get some accomplishments in your life. When you are happier with yourself, you will not put all your expectations on the next man...and the next and the next to complete your life for you.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2010 at 3:58PM
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