cheating friends, what do you think?

lunalokiSeptember 13, 2007

hi, i'm interested to know what others think...

my husbands best friend "joe" is married with three children and has been cheating on his wife for some time. we all knew, all the other couple friends also with children, but in fact his wife cheated on him first, and apparently also has a lover, according to joe. right. so we all spend time together and act as if nothing is going on. not our business, right?

the thing is, what is really starting to bother me, is that now all the other couple friends are covering for joe and inviting joe and his girlfriend over! they have a dinner party on saturday and invite joe and his girlfriend, and then on sunday the same group of friends goes to joe's house for lunch with the wife and kids....joe's girlfriend has started sending email jokes and stuff and copying the whole network of friends (including my husband and me) and has started friendships with individuals in the group, phonecalls, emails, restaurants.

this really bothers me. the girlfriend has become more part of the friendship circle than the wife. on boys night out, the girlfriend always shows up. joe even asks my husband to cover for him as an alibi sometimes, which means if his wife calls i'm supposed to answer to say they are out together.

people can do whatever they want in their lives, but when their lies and personal problems become part of my life, i'm disturbed. i so hate lying and im really super sensitive about cheating. if the wife were me, i'd want someone to tell me. i'd be disgusted if nobody told me what was going on. not sure what to do......so far i've just avoided all gatherings where the girlfriend will be present; just knowing joe is cheating bothers me enough, everyone takes it so lightly and everyone knows! i mean everyone! and no one says anything to the wife. i know i just need to stay out of it, and no need to befriend the girlfriend either and feel like an accomplice.

ugh, it just really bothers me that it doesnt seem to bother anybody else, at all!

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plasticgarden

What does your husband say about it? Have you told him you are uncomfortable with the lying? Personally,I'd feel the same as you.I would not lie to cover for anyone doing this.
You are doing the right thing by avoiding the girlfriend.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 4:49AM
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sylviatexas1

"his wife cheated on him first, and apparently also has a lover, according to joe."

ick.

ick ick ick.

This is just nasty.

Since Joe lies to his wife, why does the girlfriend believe him?

& why does the group believe him when he says his wife is "having an affair"?

& if she is, why does that justify his behavior?

The right thing to do, if there is such a thing as the right thing to do, would be to terminate one relationship before becoming involved in another one, & he isn't doing that.

In effect, he's running around on his wife with a girlfriend & running around on the girlfriend with a wife.

& your whole circle of friends is enabling him.

Nobody, not your hubs & not your momma & certainly not a "friend", has any business putting you on the spot by coercing you to do something or to support or enable something that you believe to be wrong, something that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself.

Tell hubs if he wants to cover for his lying friend, he'll have to do it without your help....
& you might ask him if it's just a "guy thing", if he covers for Joe, Joe will cover for him.

ick ick ick.

The person I feel sorry for is the wife:
I'd bet that she isn't having an affair & that she doesn't know that all her friends are involved in keeping her from finding out about her husband's affair.

I know conventional wisdom is not to say anything to the spouse, but in this day & age, the spouse can get more than syphilis or some such:
AIDs will kill a person.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 10:23AM
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carla35

I too would think about telling the wife. Yes, you may loose a friend (his wife), and it may not be the best for YOU, but morally, in this specific situation, it sounds like the right thing to do.

By Joe's comments about his wife's affairs, it like he's trying to suggest they have an open type marriage...which obviously they aren't if he has to lie to her. I'd call him on it. I can't believe your other friends are so accepting of the 'girlfriend'. I would bet they really aren't and just aren't sure how to handle it. Maybe they would really respect it if someone told. And, not only would I not be a part of a lie to help Joe, but I would be very, very disappointed in my husband (and I would let him know so) if he were a part of it. Enabling that behavior is so wrong and probably appears to Joe as acceptance which only makes him do it more.

Do the right thing. I'm sure there's some way you could do anonymously if that's a problem for you. Although, I certainly wouldn't worry about loosing Joe as a friend - that would probably be a good thing.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 11:35AM
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sweeby

This whole situation doesn't speak very well for your circle of friends... And you're the only person in your whole social circle with any sort of functioning moral compass?

And I'd be concerned about your husband's lack of concern. OK - So Joe's 'private life' is none of his business. But Joe's not keeping it private! By involving his girlfriend in your larger circle of friends, he's involving all of you in his deceit. You're right that he's making you all his accomplices, and that takes a lot of nerve.

I used to have some 'friends' like that, but eventually I realized that I couldn't really relax and enjoy their company because I felt they weren't entirely trustworthy. So I broadened my circle of friends and gradually 'weened' those ones out. They were fun, but I don't miss them a bit...

If you're close to the wife, I think I'd also find a way to let her know that Joe might not be entirely trustworthy. Like Sylvia said, the stakes are just too high.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 12:19PM
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asolo

Their business...until they made it yours. Shuck 'em out.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 1:07PM
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popi_gw

I think they have made it part of your life.

I can understand why you are bothered by all this, its just wrong. Its tacky. There are children involved, and they will inevitably be hurt by their parents bad behaviour.

Take your stand and stick to it, you set the standard here.

On a lighter side, this seems very much like a Seinfeld dilemma, where they question what is acceptable. Particularly the part where the "girlfriend" is moving into the friendship circle.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2007 at 8:30PM
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lunaloki

thanks everyone, i feel better just knowing that you all share my opinion. i'm pretty sure both are cheating. i just dont understand why couples stay together and act like everything is okay in such an awful situation, i mean how can they sleep next to each other every night? i would go insane!

honestly, the "group of friends" are more my husbands friends than my friends. they are his "oldschool" friends that he has been close with for at least 15 years, so i smile and try to be polite but i wouldn't have chosen them for my friends myself. we dont ever invite them to our house, its a matter of being invited, which sometimes i just feel obliged to accept. in most cases i kindly decline the invitation and send hubby and stay home with baby - try my best to distance myself without restricting him

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 3:11AM
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carla35

If you're sure they are both cheating (I gather you get that opinion from info provided by someone other than Joe) then maybe the wife truly knows but wants to appear to be in the dark ...not sure why she would be calling checking on him though. If you personally told her, she may have to do something about it, and may not really want to....but

I still would be tempted to send a note. That way you can be sure she knows, but she wouldn't have to act if she didn't want to. A simple anonymous..."Is Joe bringing you or his girlfiend, Marge, to the party on Sat?"...would probably be good enough.

A one time, or secret affair is one thing...but if the wife doesn't know and he is flaunting it in public like this and no one tells her...well, those people/friends become deceitful too IMHO. If I found out something like this, I would be crushed not only about my husband, but about my 'friends'.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 10:49AM
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lunaloki

thanks again all (heart heart heart)

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 4:56PM
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davidandkasie

simple, put your foot down and tell you hubby that joe cannot bring his girlfriend to your house, nor will you cover for him. and then stick to it. if it ruins a few get togethers, then every one else will start to put the pressure on and it will end one way or another.

but, if you do this be prepared to be the bad guy in teh situation. it is not right, but YOU will be the one looked down on by this circle of friends.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 2:20PM
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scarlett2001

Ditto, davidandkasie! I couldn't have said it better.

These crumby people have no ethics, morals or taste. They probably all work for the government.

And yes, you will be the one everybody turns on, cause you spoiled their game.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 3:39PM
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