A new development

amber3379September 2, 2013

Ok my husband wants to divorce, but still wants to live together wants me to be a common law wife? To protect his business. I said that makes no sense at all why pay all that money and make up all the excuses to divorce if you want me to stay anyway. I told him just fix what we have get over the crap that happened years ago, I'm not going anywhere so stop worrying about protecting your business and get a post-nup if you are that worried. What doyou of all this?

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colleenoz

Oh fer cryin out loud. He wants no financial responsibility, but available sex whenever he wants it. He's already said he thinks he wants a divorce but the sex keeps reeling him back in. You're desperate "not to break up the family" and he's trading on it. Can't you see it's already broken?

    Bookmark   September 2, 2013 at 5:13AM
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suzieque

I've no idea why being divorced but living together as common law would protect his business. What kind of business is he in?

I think that this is the first you've posted about "crap that happened years ago". Does that have any bearing on what's going on with him?

It's beyond me that you could even be considering doing as he suggests. So you told him, essentially, no. I would guess that that either means that he'll divorce you or stay with you, bitter and resentful.

For me, "No, F-ing NO", is the right answer. And I'd tell him to leave the house and file divorce papers myself right away.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2013 at 8:43AM
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amber3379

I'm not considering it it's not an option if he files I'm done I won't stay and I'll get a lawyer. I can't afford to file probably can't afford a lawyer but oh well

    Bookmark   September 2, 2013 at 1:15PM
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amber3379

The crap that happened was 5 yrs ago. It has a little to do with what's going on. I didn't make out a living trust to hand him my daughter to him if something were to happen to me. But even if I did the biological father is always contacted first.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2013 at 1:26PM
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wifey1281

As a Christian, what do YOU think about being his common law wife? You have your answer right in your faith. It really shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2013 at 8:59PM
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amber3379

it's not what God intended. And I think it's a sin. My husband is more about protecting his money.... and this is an unequally yoked marriage. My daughter tells me everyday mama let Jesus take care of everything.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 4:59AM
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emma

God gave you a brain and expects you to use it.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 11:19AM
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mkroopy

"My daughter tells me everyday mama let Jesus take care of everything"

Uhmmm, yeah that ought to take care of everything... â¨Â_â¨Â

But seriously, sounds like he wants out, but doesn't want his day to day world (living situation, finances, sex, etc..) turned upside down. He wants to cherry-pick the parts of his life that he wants to keep, and get rid of. If only life were actually like that......

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 12:07PM
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suzieque

"My daughter tells me everyday mama let Jesus take care of everything"

I believe this, but .... a person has to act on the message that Jesus sends them. You are very much in partnership with Jesus and have to do your part!

And - you say that being common-law is not God's wish. Well, I don't believe that the marriage you are experiencing is God's wish for you, either.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 12:20PM
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colleenoz

mkroopy will remember my analogy of the woman who prayed every day to win the lottery. Finally one day she heard God's voice say in an exasperated tone, "Will you do your part! At least buy a ticket!"
As Emma R points out, God gave you a brain to use and legs to walk away with.
If you choose to stay in an abusive marriage then IMO you are throwing back in God's face (as it were) His gift of love and happiness. Why would you believe that God, if is is truly a loving Father, would want you to be miserable and abused? If a human parent would not want that for his child, shouldn't God, who is supposed to be better than a human, not want that even more strongly?

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 12:47PM
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wifey1281

I must have missed the part where the OP said she has been abused.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 2:11PM
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emma

I think if they ever divorce to live as common law, then he has all of the assets and she gets nothing.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2013 at 6:12PM
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suzieque

On the Stepfamily Forum you said "...now he wants to divorce because I made him feel like we weren't a family because I didnt give him rights to her if something were to happen to me."

Now you're saying that that happened 5 years ago? Do you really think that your choice of not indicating him as your child's guardian 5 years ago is why he wants a divorce today?

    Bookmark   September 4, 2013 at 12:02PM
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scarlett2001

(Why drag the Almighty into this? I think He has enough to worry about these days.)

This husband wants to have his cake and eat it, too. The unbelievable gall some people have is a never-ending source of wonder. Here's a counter- proposition: tell him you will grant him the divorce and still be his common-law wife, but he has to give you complete control of all his money and worldly property, as well as complete single-custody of the kids and dog or cat. Oh - and he has to paint your toenails once a week.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2013 at 2:38AM
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Karen10125

It's time to come up with a plan and leave or make him leave. I understand about vows and believing in the institution of marriage. I did that too, for about 18 months, lived with someone, in separate bedrooms, who no longer wanted me, but wanted all the fringe benefits. I felt bad about myself, was depressed all the time, and most importantly set a bad example to my children of what marriage is supposed to be about. Thank God that after a year and half of that I woke up and moved on. Life is way too short to waste it on a selfish person like your husband. Pray to God and you'll get your answer on what to do next.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2013 at 6:33AM
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suzieque

I guess she's not coming back .....

    Bookmark   September 6, 2013 at 4:43PM
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LuAnn_in_PA

Too busy having sex with a guy that wants to divorce her...

    Bookmark   September 7, 2013 at 4:36PM
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scarlett2001

Good one, LuAnn!

    Bookmark   September 7, 2013 at 6:12PM
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emma

I can't believe the things people tell on the internet. Even though we don't know each other it would still embarrass me to say things like I have read in here. Especially telling people things that make them sound like a wimp. I wouldn't take the crap people say they put up with. I have always said I would live in a one room apartment the rest of my life before I live in circumstances like some women live in.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2013 at 7:59PM
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wifey1281

Emma that's really good for you. But all of us don't view life the same, and some of us don't mind seeking anonymous advice, especially if there is no one else to confide in. I don't see it as especially helpful to make disparaging remarks about those who seek help on forums. All of us are at different levels and none of us are perfect. They're just being honest and trying to get help.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2013 at 12:42PM
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emma

I don't mean to be disparaging, I think we are all trying to help but in some cases I think they need a jolt of reality. This stuff will be on the internet for years and years. It will never go away. I have heard of people losing their jobs because of something they say on the internet or not getting a job they wanted. If someone gets on her computer and sees a shortcut to this forum, it could really cause a problem.

There is a song that Nana Mouskouri sings about Dignity. She asks what ever happened to dignity? I also wonder.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2013 at 3:00PM
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scarlett2001

Since we don't use our real names here, like on Facebook, etc. nobody is going to get into trouble for saying what is on their minds. I find this forum a good, safe place to vent and I think others do, too.

As for being wimpy, it's SO easy to tell other people to just get up and leave - but not so much for the poster in real life where there are questions of children, finances, emotional upheavals, legal matters, sometimes even safety concerns.

Another thing I have noticed here is that there are some real age differences and people have very different views depending on where they are in age. Just as an example of something that was actually on here a while ago, If you are in your 60's and 70's and you tell a 29 year old that sex isn't that important - well, I think you see the point here.

Of course, if the Marriage Forum is annoying to any poster, we can all choose to not come back, as many have done. There are lots of other forums to enjoy!

    Bookmark   September 8, 2013 at 6:16PM
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suzieque

>> Since we don't use our real names here, like on Facebook, etc. nobody is going to get into trouble for saying what is on their minds.

Oh, Scarlett - don't rest on that assumption! There are many ways to track identity, even on "anonymous" forums. I'm hardly one for paranoia, but there are many capabilities through computers and we should never assume anonymity.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2013 at 7:36PM
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emma

Suzie is right. If you post a photo on the net, a computer savvy person can trace you back to where the photo was taken. I think about that every time I see someone post a picture of a child. Even without the photo they can find you. This was demonstrated in the PC help forum a few years back. Someone said they were safe and one of the techs came back with enough of his personal information to know it was true.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2013 at 8:34PM
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emma

An incident similar to what SuzieQue and I mention is happening in the help forum now.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2013 at 9:35AM
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suzieque

Emma, what's/where's the help forum?

(sorry to derail this thread, but since Amber has apparently decided to stop interacting here, I guess we can move on).

Amber, if you're still reading, I continue to wish you the best. I also continue to hope that you will have the self-respect that God intended and the where-with-all He gave you to honor His wishes for you. Your husband is breaking the contract; I applaud you for wanting to save your marriage and working toward it, but you can't be the only one working.

So - Emma - where's the help forum?

    Bookmark   September 9, 2013 at 8:46PM
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emma

The computer help forum, it is listed on the this site where you found the marriage forum. If you look at the url above, just cut it off before the load and hit enter if you can't find it.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2013 at 5:45PM
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suzieque

Oh, the Computer Help Forum. I know that forum and visit it occasionally.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2013 at 5:40PM
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emma

The point is that the one who got all the junk email, found out what city the person lives in.

I also heard a story about a woman who won a small lottery and she spread all the cash out on a table, took a picture of it and posted in on a social network and in less than an hour she was robbed. ???

    Bookmark   September 11, 2013 at 7:18PM
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suzieque

Stupid is as stupid does, I guess!

    Bookmark   September 12, 2013 at 8:02AM
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emma

I agree. I met a woman who met a man online and she became a Muslim to please him. I told her about my fooling around on a dating site just to see what it was all about. One guy wanted me to answer a list of questions so we could get to know each other better. The last two questions were about my finances and I told the lady no way would I do that and she said why? She had told her new boyfriend. I told her my best friends and my family don't know why should I tell a stranger. If you are well fixed you are setting yourself up as a target. Needless to say my little trip in a dating site ended very quickly.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2013 at 7:09PM
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amber3379

I'm still here and no I wasn't having sex I'm moving on and getting on with my life with or without my husband I've got better things to do then worry about where or when or what he's doing I'm soldiering on got school and a job and a daughter that I need to take care of. He won't wear his ring till he's comfortable with us I said whatever dude. And I met someone whom I haven't had any sexual encounters with but need to decide whether or not to be with him and be happy again or ride out this "midlife crisis" my husband is having lol

    Bookmark   September 27, 2013 at 6:34PM
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amber3379

And I'm not leading the other guy on he knows my situation a little bit and isn't pushing me one way or the other he knows I may stay. We are friends

    Bookmark   September 27, 2013 at 6:59PM
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amber3379

And you're right if we get divorced I will get nothing...

    Bookmark   September 28, 2013 at 4:15PM
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colleenoz

Why? Legally you should come out of the marriage with something.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 12:03AM
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amber3379

Well his best friend was the deputy prosecutor for this county turned family law so knows everyone.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 5:49AM
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colleenoz

He still can't ignore the law. You are your own worst enemy: you constantly make excuses for why you can't /won't do anything in your best interest because of one reason or another.
And, if all you salvage from the marriage is your own peace of mind, would that not be enough?

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 7:02AM
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amber3379

I'm afraid to be alone....and I know no one deserves to be treated this way it's just finding the strength where I can say enough is enough and not be afraid anymore. Maybe it's wishful thinking that he'll come back and be the man i married again.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 7:18AM
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suzieque

What colleenoz said.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 9:46AM
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amber3379

Not anymore we're done he's filing on Monday and I'm relieved

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 11:59AM
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emma

A note on my comment about stuff like this following you around. There was an article in our local paper about a woman's comment on the internet. It got her fired from her job. Stuff like this usually makes the national news so you may have read about it.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 3:22PM
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amber3379

I can get fired from my job only if I make posts about the company

    Bookmark   September 29, 2013 at 3:55PM
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colleenoz

Being alone and at peace with yourself is a hellova lot better than being in a relationship with a jerk just to have another warm body in the house. Get a cat and learn to love your self- you'll be a lot more attractive to _nice_ guys if you aren't needy and ready to settle for anything male just to have someone in your life.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 1:39AM
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amber3379

I have 2 cats already but I can't take them with me. As for another relationship right now I'll pass

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 5:23AM
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suzieque

Why can't you take them with you? What will become of them if you leave them with your husband. They depend upon you, too, to do the right thing.

You already posted about a new guy you are interested in and indicated forging a relationship with him. Hopefully your last post means that you have decided against that. Hopefully you're not saying that just to appease those of us here who spoke against it.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 9:58AM
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sylviatexas1

'Why can't you take them with you? What will become of them if you leave them with your husband. They depend upon you, too, to do the right thing.'

Take them with you.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 12:56PM
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amber3379

Yeah I meant no relationships I'm going to enjoy my peace of mind for awhile and my cats I'm going to give them to a cat rescue facility

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 3:07PM
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suzieque

Arghhh! Why can't you take them? Please don't consider pets disposable. Of course, hopefully they will find a loving home with someone who will commit to giving them a long and happy life.

(In my opinion, this is yet another bad example for your daughter).

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 3:46PM
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amber3379

I had to move in with my parents unfortunately for a awhile till I get back on my feet and my dad is allergic to cats I posted on Facebook to see if anyone wants them which I'd prefer

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 4:26PM
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amber3379

I have no choice with my cats I love my cats dearly but I have to make a difficult sacrifice.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 4:34PM
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suzieque

So you're with your Dad now? I'm so confused.

Y'know what? I can't keep up. I wish you and your daughter (and your cats!) the best, but my head's spinning with your personal choices and justification. Best wishes as you move forward into a better circumstance.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2013 at 8:32PM
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amber3379

Umm no lol I moved out of my marital home and moved in with my parents my father is allergic to cats there for they couldn't go with me

    Bookmark   October 1, 2013 at 4:17AM
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