One way marriage.

Howie1974September 13, 2013

A rant and a plea for options
My wife and I have been married for 9 months now, after 12 years of being together. We have 3 kids, a home and a stable life. Two weeks ago, after a few glasses of wine, she confessed there was someone at work she was very attracted to. She is not sure if she loves him or not but worse, she is not sure if she loves me anymore. She met this guy at work 6 months ago and swears there is nothing going on nor has anything ever happened between them, in fact, she says that he has no idea of how she feels for him. Most of my marriage has been a lie.

She says she will try find her way back to me, but keeps looking at pictures of him on facebook. I believe she is emotionally cheating on me and know its wrong to spy on her pc history but I have to know. She has said she has stopped looking at him, but I know she still does. I am so confused, hurt and have an overwhelming fear of being alone. You see, I am a love immigrant to a foreign country where I have very few friends and none I can confide in as with my friends back home. This makes my situation worse as being alone in a different country is terrifying. I can't leave this country because of my kids. I am trapped. I have thought it would be better to just end it all, but I can't seem to bring myself around to it because of the three kids. It's a horrible situation I have got myself into and have wound up hating myself because of it.

I still love her, but I fear the longer I go in a marriage where there is only one way love, I will build up a wall and if she decides to stay with me the wall will be up and the damage irreversible. Worse, I will wind up resenting her and the kids for trapping me here. What should I do????

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First things first ..."I have thought it would be better to just end it all"...if you are talking about killing yourself, please....being betrayed by any woman (or man) is not worth ending your own life over. Probably want to consider some counseling if you were serious about this.

OK, I have been in a very similar situation, except for the whole living in a country I don't want to be in thing, although I am not sure I get what a "love immigrant" is...but, yeah, that's gonna complicate things. A lot....

Let me tell you from experience as someone who's wife "fell out of love" with him (not from being treated badly, or not being a good provider, or a good dad to the kids, we were just not a great personality match), if you are even considering staying in the marriage, you really need to open up the communication lines with your wife and stress to her that you in it for the long haul if she is, but she needs to be honest with herself (and you) about her feelings. My ex, after the first affair she had, strung me along for 3 more years...under the guise of "fixing things", when she knew all along she had checked out and was only buying some time until the kids were in school full time. Of all the lousy things she did, that's the one thing I will never forgive her for. Those are 3 years I cannot get back. Stress to her that she needs to be honest with you, and herself, in figuring out if she can "reconnect" with you.

Also, during this time, rather that take the approach "I will show her how wonderful I am and win her back" (which I did to a certain extent, and regret it now because I think it just put off the inevitable), I would continue to be nothing but pleasant, charming, respectful, etc...but from an emotional point of view I would back off. I think at this time, she needs some emotional space to figure things out, figure out what she wants out of life...I would tell her that you are consciously doing this, so she does not think you are disconnecting from her, but again I would refrain from putting on a full court press of affection to "win" her back. Even it if worked, it would only be a short term thing.

I would probably set a time frame in mind, 6 months, a year, whatever. You've only been married a short time, but you are in the position of being together for a long time and having kids together, that you can afford to give her the time she wants/needs to figure all this out. In addition to being a great, supportive husband and father, you really should take that time and also work on yourself, Whether that means therapy, making lifestyle changes, picking up a hobby that you've put aside for years, whatever will make you happier with who you are.

I am saying this for several reasons, first, if she does decide that she wants to stay in the marriage and reconnect with you, someone who is happy and confident is way more attactive and lovable than someone who is wrapped up in a shroud of depression and self pity. But also, and I am sorry to say this, there is a pretty good chance that she will decide it is not fixable. You need to prepare for the rest of your life, and future relationships eventually, by just living a life you are happy with, that satisfies you. So instead of putting on a full court press for HER affections, work on YOURSELF...get yourself happy, it could have the added benefit of making your more attractive to her.

Good luck. This sucks, I know...but understand that while this looks like the end of everything you is what you make it. This too shall pass. After a difficult period of time, I am fine now, I am very happy with my where my life is. I have 50% custody of my kids and see them almost every day, been with the same girl for 5+ years now, hell I even get along fine with my ex (that took a!).

    Bookmark   September 13, 2013 at 11:46AM
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oh, golly, I'm so sorry.


'She met this guy at work 6 months ago and swears there is nothing going on nor has anything ever happened between them, in fact, she says that he has no idea of how she feels for him.'

This sounds an awful lot like a passing fancy, an infatuation or schoolgirl-type crush, combined with too much alcohol.

Please don't push her, don't nag her, don't put her on the spot, & don't obsess over this.

Don't mention this incident;
if asked, claim you've forgotten all about it, be the most enjoyable companion you can be, & be an active & involved father to your children.

This woman has a husband & 3 children, & I just can't see her pitching it all out the window for a *fantasy* about a guy she's known, *at work*, for 6 months, a guy who probably is oblivious to any daydreams she's had.

For yourself, take a deep breath, & repeat, as often as needed:
"This too shall pass."

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2013 at 3:36PM
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