My husband drinks...
It's never in excess around family or friend type functions, but he has this 'buddy' who is also having marital issues, and they will go out and drink in the bar for hours on end. This may occur only once every 3 weeks, or sometimes 2 months can go by between their sessions. The time between these sessions can be good or bad, the last one was good, in that we got along better as husband and wife, and parents. Then it seems something sets him off (we just received a rent increase) or maybe I've made him mad, then he doesn't show up for supper and stays out late. I just finished reading another poster asking for help in how to decide when to call it quits, and I think I am there, yet so scared. This type of behavior has gone on for the duration of our marriage, you'd think we'd have worked this out or I'd have gotten used to it or something. In the beginning I'd voice my displeasure, both in that I felt he was being inconsiderate to me by not letting me know he wasn't going to come home on a particular night, and that I thought when he did go out the alcohol consumption was too much. I can tell by his condition when he'd get home that he'd had too much to drive, and he usually drives.
When talking/arguing didn't work, I tried (how stupid I know) ignoring it like I didn't care. I think all that did was make him think I accepted it. Now I am back to voicing displeasure, letting him know it hurts me (and our family-we have kids). I feel I've been 'putting' up with this and other negative behavior from him because I don't want to hurt our kids with a divorce. Yet I feel my self esteem is slowly being whittled away, along with my ability to look at this objectively and with perspective. I watch the news and there's lots of people out there who've got life way worse than this, so then I talk myself into the fact I've got such positives elsewhere in my life, I should be more tolerant of this. My earning power is 1/4 where his is, I know through divorce life would be fairly meager for me and the kids, I probably couldn't afford to have the kids, and this makes me want to cry.
Would the fact that he drinks in excess with mainly the one buddy (who in earlier conversations with my husband my husband revealed his buddy's wife has a problem with buddy's drinking) mean he is an alcoholic? This is something he doesn't do on a regular weekly basis, going back from tonight it's probably been near 8 weeks since his last outing (and our big fight). Then 2 weeks before that, and say 4 weeks before that. I know a guy needs to spend time with his pals, and I've asked him to try to see his friends weekly for a couple of hours (manipulative thinking on my part, because I figure if it's only a couple of hours then he can't over drink like he does when he's out for 6 or eight, plus if he spends time with his friends on a regular basis then he won't need to stay out so late).
I find this hard trying to write out and keep condensed. I'm having trouble making this seem justified, I almost wish he'd have an affair, that seems to be an acceptable excuse for divorce that people accept. This problem I am presenting, there's always the room to say 'have you tried this, maybe try that, you're not trying hard enough' (directed to me to try to make marriage work), since I know both our sets of parents and inlaws and would have a hard time accepting. He won't go to counselling since there is nothing wrong with him, he's a workaholic and good earner for the family, everyone fawns over him and all his accomplishments. I'll be regarded as the demanding wife, intolerant of him needing a bit of fun, unable to overlook that he sometimes 'forgets' to call.
Thanks for taking the time to read, sounds like gibberish I know, I feel super muddled tonight.
Oh yeah, his take on my 'beefs' is that I am a SAHM with not enough to do, I need to go out and work full time and then I'll be so busy with life that these things wouldn't bother me. Hmm.