Is this emotional abuse? Need advice.
I'm trying to decide what to do, when to do it, if I should do it. My husband of four years is really mean to me. It started when we moved in together. He went from being kind and nice to suddenly finding fault at everything I did. He complained if the fridge wasn't clean and he complained if the house wasn't clean enough and he found fault with everything.
Despite that, we married a year later. I don't know what I thought but I guess I thought he'd change. I keep setting timelines thinking that if he doesn't act better then I'll leave, but when those deadlines come I feel immobilized and I don't act. There are always reasons to stay so I stay.
I'm so embarrassed that I can't tell anyone in my real life. I did go see a marriage counselor a few times two years ago and then again earlier this year and tried to get help but he wouldn't go with me and then started fighting with me over the money I spent for the counselor so I stopped going both times.
But here's what he does. He finds fault with little things I do almost every day. And then, about once a week or sometimes more often, he blows up. He starts complaining and his voice gets louder and he's finally yelling at me about whatever I did wrong (tonight it was because I entered new lighting prices on a spreadsheet he created for the remodel we're doing. he said I was spending too much and I should have asked him first before putting new lighting prices in.) As soon as he gets mad, he starts calling me terrible, insulting names. Not just stupid, dumb and idiot, but cuss words like C-U-*-T and W-H-O-*-E and, well, you get the idea.
He is sleeping in the other room tonight because he's mad at me. I say good riddance. I wish I had the strength to just leave him once and for all but I don't. I feel so tired and weak and bullied.
A few weeks ago we got into an argument at Wal-mart, of all places, becasue I forgot something and had to get out of line. He was outraged that I made him have to wait in line twice so he stormed out and waited in the car. When I came out, he was raging at me in the car and called me the C-U-N-& word. I was so mad I hit him on the arm. Not hard, but enough to make him madder. He hit me back and punched me hard on the arm.
My arm ached for hours and a huge bruise developed that was nearly three inches in diameter. It was black and dark blue and looked horrible. Everyone in my family and my friends all asked me what happened and some people even made jokes that my husband did it, but I lied and covered up for him with a lame excuse about walking into something downstairs.
He said it was my fault because I hit him first. I guess there is some truth to that but still - he really hit me hard and he wasn't bruised from me but that bruise took three weeks to disappear from my arm.
I really don't even like him anymore but again, I feel trapped. Both financially and because of our pets. I don't want to leave my pets and he always says he'd take them if I were to divorce him.
Is there ever any hope of someone like that changing? Or is it too late once they start acting so awful?
I'm even confused as to whether this actually constitutes emotional abuse. The first counselor I saw said that because I won't have sex with him much anymore (maybe once a month) then I wasn't doing my part in the marriage. But I get so angry at him that it's hard to open up and have sex and be loving.
Then the second counselor also suggested that I was to blame. She said my adult attention deficit disorder could definitely be tough on someone with my husband's personality. (he gets mad when I am doing a chore and get distracted and stop doing it and the house is only half vaccumed, etc.)
I've never been with anyone in my life who treated me so badly. I swear, he's a bully. How did I end up married to a bully?