marriage in trouble

irishlass1970August 9, 2007

I am in a very unhappy place in my marriage right now that I don't know how to fix, I don't even know if it is worth fixing anymore. I have been re-married for 5 years to my second husband. The first one I was to young and it was very abusive. I took my time before I re-married, we dated for 7 years and now have been married for 5. We have 3 little girls, ages 5, 3, and almost 2 so it is very hectic already. My husband was my best friend and I used to be able to talk to him about anything, now I don't trust him because anything that I finally open up about he uses them against me in arguments. I don't trust anyone as it is for many good reasons and for him to do that really destroys everything. We have grown apart and I feel so alone and lonely. I feel like a failure, I tried to talk about this with him for the last 2 years and nothing changes. It's like my feelings don't even seem to phase him anymore. I am in alot of pain and I don't know if I love him anymore. I told him that you can't just not do anything to try and work harder at this but he says right now it is normal to just focus on the kids and worry about us later. What he doesn't seem to get is that if it is not worked on now there will be nothing left at all later, and i am getting to the point where I don't care anymore. There is alot of little things that have turned into a major problem but I don't have enough time to explain it. We have tried to "work things out" but he only lasts for a few days (bandaids the situation), to shut me up, and then it's right back to the crap. I feel completely alone. Any suggestions would be great, I don't want to divorce and destroy the kids. But, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either. Help.

Irishlass who is sad.

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I am sorry you are so sad, and I send you a big hug.

I can fully understand your loneliness as you feel you are not being heard by the one person who should be hearing you.

If you feel he is not interested in your feelings, then you must talk to someone else about how you feel, maybe thats really the only step you can take at the moment.

At least have some time out so you can think.

I am sorry I am not much help, perhaps others can come up with some more constructive advice.

All the best to you.


    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 4:52AM
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irishlass, over this past winter I think I felt about my 5-year marriage similarly to how you seem to feel. I felt sad and lonely, I felt like I could no longer talk to my husband and we fought about (what seemed like) almost anything, I worried about how this would affect our 2-year old, and I thought everything was falling apart. I convinced my husband we needed to go to marriage counseling, and I think it has helped a little bit. Additionally, I've been going to individual counseling and that has helped me a lot with personal growth.

Currently I'm reading a book called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. I'm not done with the book, but his theory on the kind of people we are attracted to is interesting and you may find some insight into yourself after you read it.

I don't agree with your DH, who says to focus on the kids now and the marriage later. If the marriage isn't happy I think the kids will know and will suffer. I grew up in a household with a very unhappy marriage--lots of arguing and verbal abuse--and it has negatively affected my life in more way than I could have ever imagined

My marriage is still in trouble, but things seem better with couseling. Good luck to you, I hope you can find a path to a happier future.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 9:08AM
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Thank you for your input on the situation, I have thought about counseling and even mentioned it but he says that we can't afford it. What a cop out, when I have said that I have had enough and am not sure that I want to go on he then seems to want to stay together. I get the impression that he stays with me so he won't have to pay child support. That is terrible but true, if that is the case then it is just a matter of time until it's over anyway and all the while the kids do see the fighting and sense the tension. I have told him several times to stop talking in front of the kids and to leave me alone but he follows me around the house. It is like he sets me up because he knows that eventually I will get angry and say mean things or yell and that gives him a way out. Way to manipulate the situation, he drives me crazy. I feel like a failure and trapped.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 11:12AM
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One of my mantras is: "The best gift you can ever give your children is a stable marriage to your spouse."

It's a fallacy to believe that "focusing on the kids" and ignoring the big issues in your marriage will benefit your family. Reason one: Think of what you are modeling to your kids - when they grow up and get married themselves, they won't have much of a blueprint for how to nurture their own marriages. What you and your husband show them now about taking care of a marriage relationship - in the good times and the hard times - will give them a picture of how they'll do it when they grow up. Reason two: Think down the road a a few years, if you follow the "focus on the kids" logic - you'll have grown kids leaving home who have been indulged up the yin-yang with activities, sports, vacations, etc., but you'll be stuck alone at home with someone you don't know anymore. I know that's not the vision you had for your family when you started out.

As for books, I second close's recommendation for the Harville Hendrix book - it's pithy, but can lead to some valuable insights. Another reading suggestion, if you're a reader: "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," by John Gottman. Actually, anything by John Gottman - he's done some excellent work on marriages/relationships.

irishlass, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hear the sadness in your words, and I know how painful it is when your marriage isn't "working" right. But, just like you take your car in for repairs when it isn't working right, you may find that now's the time for a little repair work for your marriage - I encourage you to ask around for recommendations of a good couples' counselor in your area. Sounds like you may need a tune up....

I wish you the best, and hope things get better soon.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 11:30AM
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I didn't think we could afford counseling either. If you have health insurance that's an option to consider. It may also be possible for you to find affordable counseling through WEAVE or other social services, perhaps even a local college. It is out there for you.

Here is a link that might be useful: WEAVE

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 11:45AM
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Just read your most recent post, irishlass...

Can I offer one more suggestion? - Don't, under any circumstances, allow yourself to become so enraged that you start yelling and screaming. When you do that, he's won. I understand what it's like to get pushed to the "flooding point," but when you feel yourself going there, that's the time to abort the mission. Tell your darling husband that you are about to say something you'll regret, you need a few minutes alone to calm down, and then go into another room, close the door, and breathe deeply. When you feel like you can come out and re-enter the conversation without yelling, come back to the conversation rationally. You'll actually get much farther when you're able to stay controlled and composed.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 12:02PM
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I need to retract my post regarding WEAVE; I thought that was a national organization, apparently it isn't.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 12:32PM
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Thanks to everyone who responded to my cry outs. I will look into counseling because I don't want this to fail, I just hope that it is not to late. I am scared, I never thought this would even ever happen, he was always so loving and truly concerned with my feelings and I never felt so loved or safe now I feel empty.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 2:14PM
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Make that appointment with a counselor --

Then tell your husband when and where.
Tell him you are going, and that he can join you to discuss how to save your marriage,
or that you will go alone to discuss if your marriage is worth saving.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 2:20PM
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I am sorry you go through hard time right now.

There are places that offer therapy on a sliding scale (usually in large universities they have these type of clinics). It is really not that bad.

At some point when i was making 40K a year I paid for therapy only $20 for a visit and if you do it every other week, it is only 40 a month. And I was seen by clinic's director who has PhD in psychology not some inexperienced person. So it can be affordable. Also some health insurances cover certain number of visits a year .

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 2:47PM
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