3rd time a charm???

tracymomof4August 2, 2002

I am twice divorced ( the first marriage lasted 14 years * i knew him 3 months before i married him* the second marriage lasted 15 months * i dated him 5 years before we married*) but anyways i have met someone and things are progressing well in fact he has already proposed but i said no i wanted to wait *we had only known each other a couple of months and had only gone out twice lol. My friends think im crazy to even consider it but he is a super guy all the qualities i want in a man ~ sweet, tender, loving , romantic, tough when need be~ kind~ wonderful to me and my boys he also has a child ~ a boy. So do you all think im crazy??? Im only 38 and i dont wanna spend the rest of my life alone and i have dated others besides him but he is ALL i think about :) i feel like a school girl again. P.S. i met him on line

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amygdala

Mainly, it really does take years to see how a person most naturally acts and reacts when faced with 'life' and different sorts of stressors they cannot control.

It's child's play to be able to display and live out 'ideal' forms of behaviour for months. Some people have even been known to be able to do that for years, but then turn out to be running cons.

Behaviour is a whole package thing, and it's important not to get blinded by some things so that other things are dismissed or ignored. Early proposals are not, in themselves a bright warning beacon of some problem. They do kind of show that the timing of and within adult relationships may be unknown to a person. It would be more seriously problematic if he presses for a definite answer before you have had years to know him in real life.

You've already had experiences where marriages did not work out; and you've spent years getting to know a person who was able to have a long term dating relationship, but once married, that relationship did not last even 2 years. There are things that need to be seriously weighed about the other person, you personally, and what kind of relationship you intend to build. Ponder all those variables seriously and don't make a decision prematurely. (If he pressures you to, let him move on because anyone can act nicely or even 'ideally' if they try; but it's really important to be in a relationship with someone who will let you be able to make your own decisions based on what you know your best long term interests to be.)

it might be, but it should have at least 3 charming years over which to build so that you can make sure he will let you make some decisions and that he will honor your input even if it is different in some way than his; you can do that and still enjoy a good or even great dating or steady relationship

P.S. Marriage is a legal committment and a person's undeclared 'baggage' can be very serious and some hide-able traits can be very burdensome to you and your family. It takes time to get to know what kinds of such 'baggage' a person may have; and more importantly, it takes time to be able to know how well they manage those aspects of their life.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2002 at 7:49AM
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phyllis_philodendron

It depends...have you ever spent time alone? On your own, without a man? How old are your children? Do you mainly want a father for them or can you support them yourself?

If I remember, you had said you just got a divorce recently. Maybe you should cool your heels a little bit and see what happens. But I don't know, it's up to you.

I think when people hear "I only knew him a week and we've been married for 39 years" they think it will automatically apply to every relationship, including their own. I dated my husband for six years before marriage (mainly because we were so young when we met) and it was a good decision. We never lived together first, but I don't think that you need to in order to understand and get to know a person and their habits. I think in any relationship, you have to be giving of yourself, but also look for signs that you are being taken for a ride - don't let yourself get run over or you will end up in the same situation again, probably. For instance, a friend of mine dated a guy for probably 3 months and they moved in together. After dating for a year, he had already taken money from her without her consent to pay his child support, used the credit card behind her back, etc. etc. and she merely explained it away. These would have been red flags for me. Now, they are divorced after only 9 months of marriage. Another friend has been married for 15 years to a man who said he wanted children when they first got married. To this day, they have no children, because he doesn't want them. Why she stays, I don't know - I would never let anyone rob me of my right to have kids. So just because they say and do one thing doesn't mean they really mean it (like I need to tell you that! I'm not trying to sound like someone's mom. ; )

I know they say love is blind, but you don't have to be. Go into this relationship with your eyes wide open.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2002 at 8:11AM
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tracymomof4

Yes i have spend time without a man and i dont like it LOL. No i dont need a man to support me or my kids i can do that myself i dont need a father figure for my kids they have their father whom they are close too (now) I personally hate him but they dont and that is all that matters. They are still close to thier step-father heck im still close to their step father we still love each other we just cant live together we want different things out of life, ( i want to live it to the fullest and he is content to let it pass him by) so no i dont need a man but i sure do like having one around LOL

    Bookmark   August 3, 2002 at 8:37AM
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akaDenise

tracymomof4,

I've watched my friends and family member's marriages crash and burn. Here's some strong advice that I hope you'll consider.

Wait for a while before you commit. It's way too soon to make this decision. What you're feeling is wonderful, it's nature's little trick to make sure the human species reproduces itself. When the excitement and newness wears off completely, then you'll be able to take a good hard look at him and learn whether he is a good man or just a great date.

My advice is that you enjoy him and the way he makes you feel right now. It takes between 1 1/2 - 2 years for the "in love" stage to progress to real love. Wait and see if you make it to the mature love stage before you even begin to think about getting engaged. Don't jump the gun or try to hurry this process, because that's how mistakes are made. Try to get a handle on your natural human need for companionship and don't give in to an urge to formalize things. Don't neglect your friends or family during this time.

Denise

    Bookmark   August 4, 2002 at 4:45PM
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Linda_in_CA

You have to learn to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2002 at 1:32AM
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