Am I special or is this engaged man just a cheater?

always_confusedAugust 18, 2007

Reading many of the threads here is helping me, but (of course) I need to hear opinions based on my specific situation. I, too, am in a "pickle" with an engaged man. I met him before he was engaged but we didn't date, only flirted because of office gossip. Soon after, he met his current fiance but he never stopped the flirting between us (I was on and off with it, guilty conscience). Nowadays, our jobs have put us in a position to actually spend a lot of time talking and one night, we ended up kissing and doing a lot of cuddling, but we did not have sex. I fell for him long ago and the conversations we have as of late make it worse. He talks about wanting to hold me and how much he misses me when I haven't been around in awhile, but he's never talked about being unhappy with his fiance at all. Just says that he can't deny the way he feels about me and while we both know the night we spent making out was wrong, we have a strong attraction to one another. He's only said that the more time we spend together, the more he believes we have a lot in common. I feel like he starts to wonder if he's making a mistake with the fiance and that's when he doesn't call or flirt with me for awhile. I assume he's trying to be "good" and I leave him alone, too. Then we see eachother and the feelings come back again.

I contemplated just telling him that I have feelings for him but I'm afraid. I already feel guilty for the one night we spent together but I don't know if I'm more afraid of him rejecting my feelings and deciding that it would be too hard to remain friends or if I'm afraid he might actually leave her and find out later that it's not that I'm special, but that he's a cheater.

My best friend tells me not to let him marry the wrong woman and to tell him how I feel. Should I?

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The fact that he has made a committment to another woman and is messing around with you should be a warning. Don't put youself in this situation, if he cheats on her how do you know that he will not eventually cheat on you? Chances are he is just a cheater!

My advice, tell him that he is an engaged man and you feel uncomfortable about what has been going on. End it. I understand it may be hard, but there are plenty of good SINGLE men out there. Working together makes it even more necessary to end it, do you want things to come out and everyone at work to gossip negatively about you?

    Bookmark   August 18, 2007 at 10:50PM
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Yes, you are special. Too special to waste your time and compromise your integrity with a cheater. A man (or woman) does not take the massive step of getting engaged and carry on with someone else physically OR emotionally. Is this really the type of person you want to be with? Is this the kind of person YOU want to be?

    Bookmark   August 19, 2007 at 8:45AM
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All you need is a translator:

"He talks about wanting to hold me and how much he misses me when I haven't been around in awhile, but he's never talked about being unhappy with his fiance at all. Just says that he can't deny the way he feels about me and while we both know the night we spent making out was wrong, we have a strong attraction to one another. He's only said that the more time we spend together, the more he believes we have a lot in common."

This guy has *not* said anything except that you feel good & he likes it.

nothing about "falling" for you, nothing about love, nothing about the woman he's going to marry.

"I feel like he starts to wonder if he's making a mistake with the fiance"

Right. *You* are the one wondering, not him.

He's engaged, & he wants a last fling, & you're handy & you seem willing.
answer to your question:

You are special.

He is a cheater.

Throw him back & get down on your knees & thank your guardian fairy angel godmother that you haven't gotten a more serious burn than you already have.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 1:02PM
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Ditto to all the above. You deserve more than a guy that is cheating (emotionally and physically) on the woman he asked to spend the rest of his life with.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 2:16PM
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He doesn't think you're special; he thinks you could be his next score. I bet you're not the only girl he's playing with on the side.
Get away while you still have a sense of dignity. If this goes further, and it's likely you could let it, you're gonna end up feeling like yesterday's trash.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 7:54PM
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Your best friend is not giving you good advice. He isn't saying he is marrying the wrong woman--and he isn't asking to be saved. He is trying to score. You are right there and looking happy that he is near. He probably feels like there is something wrong with him if he isn't at least exploring options.
You on the other hand are single (I hope) and should be looking for your own Mr. Right. You need to get out where guys are, look pretty and sound interesting, and don't be easy--it doesn't get you married, but it could get you pregnant.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 8:21PM
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This subject has been discussed endlessly here. Do a search for "engaged" on this forum and you will come up with quite a few scenarios like yours.

Pay special attention to the post of Nurse Christine. Too bad we never heard the outcome of that pathetic situation.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 8:25PM
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I thought twice about posting my question here (I noticed similar scenarios but you know how we always think our situation might yield different responses 'cause it's "special."
Well, I'm SO glad I did. I want to thank each of you for your advice (especially sylviatexas for the translation...I seriously needed that).
I decided to just write him a letter explaining that I know I am just as much to blame as he is, but that I'm making the decision not to CONTINUE the inappropriate behavior with another woman's man. I didn't call him out in the letter at all, just focused on how I am not comfortable with it anymore and told him that I hope he understands and agrees so that it doesn't impact us at work. I'm planning on giving it to him Wednesday morning (he's out until then). Is it too much to want to explain the change in my actions and overall attitude? I don't know if it's better to just STOP the "inappropriate" parts of our friendship without telling him anything or is the letter a safe route so he's not wondering why I suddenly stopped reciprocating. Also, is it ridiculous to think we could eventually continue some sort of platonic friendship (there were times he acted SOLELY as a friend, sans trying to "hook up" with me) or is that ruined because of the attraction?
Thank you all so much. Your words are respected and greatly appreciated.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 11:55PM
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Always confused....please just stay away from him.

I really think you are being manipulated by this person.

You really need to say just one statement. Short and sweet, and just put a stop to it, before you get hurt.

Take care.


    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 3:42AM
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Popi is saying it nicely (as always)...I'm more owe him letter... NOTHING. Just stay away. If you feel you MUST say something..say...You're engaged, you're wrong, I will NOT see you anymore. Put yourself in charge here. You cannot be friends with this now that as you are letting it go past that point. It is unhealthy and he is using you, he is a manilipulator. Take charge.


    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 7:42AM
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I am glad you can see this in a clear light. Popi is right. Do it face to face and keep it short and sweet. All you have to say, is "We can't have a personal relationship." You don't need to explain anything at all - he knows it's wrong. What you posted above sounds like you are apologizing and trying not to hurt his feelings. Forget that. Just be to the point and do not leave room for discussion. You don't have to justify yourself in any way.

And please, DO NOT PUT IT IN WRITING. Things like that have a funny way of surfacing somehow, and you do NOT want something like that floating around. Just a few scenarios:

>He keeps the letter, and his fiance finds it. (well, it would be good for her to find out her fiance is a cheater, but she could also make a scene at your workplace. She'll probably blame you, not him.)

>He keeps the letter at work, and someone finds it.

>He shows someone the letter. His friend, who tells his own girlfriend, who tells the fiance. Or, someone at work, who tells everyone.

Do not underestimate what can happen with something in writing.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 7:44AM
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what everyone said;
keep it short & don't get involved in a dialog.

He knows what the word "no" means.

Once he hears it, I would bet he'll experience a sudden loss of interest in you to the point that you may wonder if you've become invisible, & the friendship you thought you had will stop cold...
unless he detects some uncertainty in the "no", which is why you have to be detached & firm.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 8:23AM
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Don't put anything in writing. The next time he approaches you with an "more than business" attitude just tell him that it's not right. And have a business-like demeanor when you do this. You don't have to have an appointment to do this, just whenever the next time occurs.

Let me tell you my first thoughts about your writing this letter to him.

Either purposely, or subconciously, you're hoping that his reading of the letter will result in another face to face with him where he pleads with you to reconsider. At this point your determination would weaken. Because of the strong physical attraction that's in the air, you both talk about what's happening and how it's so hard to pretend there are no feelings there. And so on and so forth.
It makes for a good movie script, but this isn't pretend. It's real life and you're being manipulated.

If you were his first choice, you're be wearing the diamond ring. If he's changed his mind about his fiancee he wouldn't still be engaged to her. This man is a PLAYER and he's got a game plan for you.

Don't go there.

He's not a noble young man torn between 2 women. He's a cheater and you're darned lucky he's engaged to somebody else and not you. If you were wearing the engagement ring, then you'd be the one he's cheating on and you'd be writing a different kind of letter asking about what to do.

Cheaters are a dime a dozen. A good man is hard to find, but worth searching for. Keep looking and don't waste another minute of your life thinking he could be perfect for you. This man is trouble for any woman who is unlucky enough to be attracted to him. Let him be somebody else's problem, not yours.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 8:25AM
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I guess the letter wasn't supposed to be read anyway...
I wasn't expecting to see him until tomorrow morning so needless to say I didn't have a letter with me at work today.
To my surprise, there he was, at my desk bright and early asking if I wanted to hang out after work ("hang out" meaning come to my house and kiss and cuddle some more).
Because I was caught off guard, I was forced to verbalize my thoughts. Here's how it went:
ME: I think I'll pass
HIM: Why? Is everything ok?
ME: No. You're ENGAGED. I'm actually having this conversation with ANOTHER WOMAN'S MAN and I'm not at all comfortable with it. I think it's best we keep our relationship professional.
Initially, he walked away with an attitude and a "fine" of some sort and ignored me the rest of the afternoon. Then, around 3pm he caught me in a conference room and apologized for his mini-tirade and told me that he could tell I was uncomfortable with where things were headed and he knew it took a lot for me to finally say something about it. He thanked me for being upfront and open, told me that as a person and a friend, he loves me very much, and he will respect my wishes and let that part of our relationship end.
I said thank you and left the conference room (went to the ladies room to cry, but he doesn't need to know that).
The rest of the day, he only spoke to me when it was necessary and, although I could see that it was bothering him, it seemed like he was trying. We even had a 1/2 hour when we were the only two in a room waiting for a supervisor to join us and he didn't say anything not business related (except to ask how I've been). It was awkward, but it seemed sincere and I guess only time will tell if he maintains this behavior.
Thanks again to all those who posted advice and replies. You have all been of such great help to me. I plan to continue coming to this site to learn more about the situations that arise in relationships. Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm "always_confused" about how to handle them. Peace & Blessings to you all.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2007 at 10:18PM
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Good for you! And doubly good for you to think "only time will tell if he maintains this behavior." Keep your guard up, in case he tries to suck you back in to something more than friends.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 7:23AM
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Way to go!
I really like what you said and how you said it - especially that you used statements about yourself ("I'm not comfortable...I think it's best..."), instead of being critical of him. I don't know if you could have asked for a better outcome, actually. I hope you feel good about this - you really should, as you showed great maturity in what you said and how you said it.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 12:17PM
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Absolutely! Good for you!
A man that is engaged is making a promise to his partner, what kind of man seeks outside "amusement" if he truly loves his finace?
Then he has the nerve to tell you he "loves you!" I think of his poor niave finace, he trusts in him, believes in their relationship. That's a disaster in the making.

There are many, many good and decent men out there, you deserve one of them. Not this jerk, he's probably playing nice, because of sexual harassment laws, and fear of his fiance finding out. Although she deserves to.
He cannot move forward to a healthy, strong marriage if he can't keep his "spoon out of the soup"

Great job at dealing with it. Kudos to you!

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 5:16PM
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Great for you, Always confused, you should change your name to "always wonderful", or "always a model for standing up for yourself".

I agree with Emily, he has a nerve to say "i will always love you". See, he is manipulating you, trying to make you hang on with a thread to him, leaving you dangling, with that last statement. Its cruel. Throwing away a flippant "I love you" says a lot about his character. Makes you wonder if he says that to his fiance, does he know what it means.

It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode, where the group goes up to a holidays house, to look at their friends baby, who turns out to be ugly. Elaine thought the doctor liked her, because he said she was "breathtaking", inflated her ego. Then he said the baby was "breathtaking", and she fell in a heap. The point is, the comment was flippant and the doctor probably said that to lots of people. Perhaps like the fiance cheater.

Good luck to you, I look forward to your next posting entitled "In love with a wonderful man".


    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 6:31PM
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Good for you girl.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 8:06PM
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Great job--always confused--maybe you're not so confused anymore!! He is definately a player. No doubt he is trying to keep you hanging on by throwing in that "I love you". He is the kind of guy that probably really doesn't know what that means. HE JUST LOVES WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR HIM.......If you were to end up as his girlfriend then you would ALWAYS be wondering if he was messing around on you. Trust me. Stay strong. You won't regret it.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 10:43PM
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What was the show/movie where someone tossed out "I love ya" -- and the whole fuss was made over was it a "ya" or a "you"? Very Seinfeld-esque...

You did the right thing --

    Bookmark   August 22, 2007 at 11:30PM
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Maybe there is a whole new thread, about things we say and do, but do we really mean it. Like the "I love ya".

We have to be very cluey about detecting genuine feelings towards us, from another. It can be tricky sometimes.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2007 at 8:04PM
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His direct quote was: "As a person and a friend, I love you very much."

So, it really can't be confused with the "love ya" talk. He was nervous when saying it, but I still think he just doesn't know what it means. It was probably just the "void" he felt knowing that I'm not going to be there for him in THAT way anymore, some people make themselves believe that they feel a certain way when they think they're losing something. You know? Either way, I REALLY feel better about my decision because he did send me a message yesterday asking if we could meet for one last goodbye "date."
*rolls eyes*
Jeez, some people never give up.
By the way, I didn't reply to the message. I think he got the point. I have to say that without the support I've received here, I would've agreed to meet him. I'm so glad you guys were here-you make me feel strong!
Thank You!

    Bookmark   August 23, 2007 at 9:03PM
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You sound sooo clear-headed about all of this!! Smart move to not reply to the message. This guy is a player and I hope you never let him play you again!

    Bookmark   August 23, 2007 at 10:38PM
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Good for you. You are a special person and you proved it by walking away.

I don't expect that you've heard the last from him. He may be more persuasive now that he knows it's going to be harder to get you to agree to meet him.

Keep your guard up.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2007 at 11:10PM
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Yes, good for you!!! Way to go for being strong, it's so hard when you have feelings for someone. But look at it this way, what if you two had ended up together and got engaged? Could you ever really trust him, knowing that he had asked another woman to spend the rest of her life with him, and then was messing around with you like it was no big deal?

I'm so glad you saw that you deserve better than that, someone who will want you and only you.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2007 at 2:15PM
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I was just wondering if there were any updates on this situation. Did the guy finally back off for good and find another victim? I hope you are still being strong. We are here for you!

    Bookmark   October 6, 2007 at 5:16PM
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