Repost: Desperate help!
My husband and I are married for 2yrs, together for 10yrs. we don't have kid yet. at first I moved in with him because I have problem with my parents and financially unable support myseft. I haven't loved him, just had a feeling for him. when I move in with him for a short time, he had depression, and was on medication. I was very sad and thinking of leaving him, but I can't b/c at this time he need me the most, and I can't turn my back on him since he help me from the beginning. Time went by, he recovered, and have a great job, still on medication with less dose. He worked at night and the job didn't require him stay in the company all the time, so he was home more offen and start went online to chat to girls. I was sad, mad and begging him not to do it. He promise not to chat, but the next day he did it again. I was sad, anger,and cried, so I went online to chat too. Sometime, I just put my name in the chat room, and sat there and cried. I talked to many people, but never keep intouch with them. Oneday, I talk to this guy, and I started liking him, later on, we exchange phone# and I was on the phone with him about 3 weeks then my husband find out. We fight for several months. Eventhought I had a strong felling for my lover, but I will not trade in my relationship for someone I never met in the real life. my husband forgave me. later on, I think I am the age should have a baby, so we decice to get married with family tradition (not married with the certificate). After married, he had to travel to another state for work. Live in a new place, his depression was worse. He could not handle the job any more, so he had to quit, and move back home. At home, he felt so down, so he drank and smoked alot. I advise him not to do that because smoking and drinking will affect the medication, but he said these help him to lift his mood up in a moment, and he stop exercise. I work also close to home too, so at lunch time, I went home for lunch and to see how he was doing. I saw him one hand with a beer, the other hand with the cegaret. He didn't want to talk to me. When I am in the house, he's out. and when I out he's in. I slep in the bedroom, he slept in the livingroom. This's went on for almost a year. We were strangers to eachother. I tried to talk to him, but He said he didn't feel like it. I was so sad and forcetraighted. I didn't what to do, so I start networking with my old online lover (I shouldn't do this). time went by and developed my feeling to the point that I think I couldn't live without him. so I flu there to see him. When I was with him, my husband know. The disaster start from here. My husband asked my to come home, and promise to take care of the family, stop smoking and drinking. When I was home, he was verbally, emotionally abuse, and physicaly abuse sometimes. he took all the money that we had been save (six firgue)and my new car. I excepted it. because I am a person who cause the problem. With his emotinaly, and verbally abuse, I couldn't handle anymore. I moved out for almost a year now. but we still keep intouch. I went home to cook for him and be home at night to pray with him and go back to my place. We fight every other day and now is beter once a week. He work very hard to forgive me, but it seems too hard. He went to church, temple, meditating, anywhere he could to get help. He could do anything to keep the family. for me, with his emotional and verbally abuse before, I feel like I don't have feeling for him anymore, but I do care for him alot. just imagine the family will be fighting and live like hell or cold war, I just want to run away. it just broke my heart that I have to give up the relationship for 10yrs. I regreted that I cheated on him and I can't undo it. I was thinking to have a baby with him so the situation will get better. what do you think? what should I do now? please help!