Desperate help

sadwife50August 1, 2009

My husband and I are married for 2yrs, together for 10yrs. we don't have kid yet. at first I moved in with him because I have problem with my parents and financially unable support myseft. I haven't loved him, just had a feeling for him. when I move in with him for a short time, he had depression, and was on medication. I was very sad and thinking of leaving him, but I can't b/c at this time he need me the most, and I can't turn my back on him since he help me from the beginning. Time went by, he recovered, and have a great job, still on medication with less dose. He worked at night and the job didn't require him stay in the company all the time, so he was home more offen and start went online to chat to girls. I was sad, mad and begging him not to do it. He promise not to chat, but the next day he did it again. I was sad, anger,and cried, so I went online to chat too. Sometime, I just put my name in the chat room, and sat there and cried. I talked to many people, but never keep intouch with them. Oneday, I talk to this guy, and I started liking him, later on, we exchange phone# and I was on the phone with him about 3 weeks then my husband find out. We fight for several months. Eventhought I had a strong felling for my lover, but I will not trade in my relationship for someone I never met in the real life. my husband forgave me. later on, I think I am the age should have a baby, so we decice to get married with family tradition (not married with the certificate). After married, he had to travel to another state for work. Live in a new place, his depression was worse. He could not handle the job any more, so he had to quit, and move back home. At home, he felt so down, so he drank and smoked alot. I advise him not to do that because smoking and drinking will affect the medication, but he said these help him to lift his mood up in a moment, and he stop exercise. I work also close to home too, so at lunch time, I went home for lunch and to see how he was doing. I saw him one hand with a beer, the other hand with the cegaret. I was so sad and forcetraighted. I didn't what to do, so I start networking with my old online lover (I shouldn't do this). time went by and developed my feeling to the point that I think I couldn't live without him. so I flu there to see him. When I was with him, my husband know. The disaster start from here. My husband asked my to come home, and promise to take care of the family, stop smoking and drinking. When I was home, he was verbally, emotionally abuse, and physicaly abuse sometimes. he took all the money that we had been save (six firgue)and my new car. I excepted it. because I am a person who cause the problem. With his emotinaly, and verbally abuse, I couldn't handle anymore. I moved out for almost a year now. but we still keep intouch. I went home to cook for him and be home at night to pray with him and go back to my place. We fight every other day and now is beter once a week. He work very hard to forgive me, but it seems too hard. He went to church, temple, meditating, anywhere he could to get help. He could do anything to keep the family. for me, with his emotional and verbally abuse before, I feel like I don't have feeling for him anymore, but I do care for him alot. just imagine the family will be fighting and live like hell or cold war, I just want to run away. it just broke my heart that I have to give up the relationship for 10yrs. I regreted that I cheated on him and I can't undo it. I was thinking to have a baby with him so the situation will get better. what do you think? what should I do now? please help!

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What ever you do DON'T have a baby ! It is plain irresponsible to bring a child into this situation. A child needs loving, committed parents. How do you think your child would react to you and your husband fighting with each other ?

You have to do what is best for you. What is the point of pursuing a marriage that is not working ?

Maybe you have some cultural ties that are evoking feelings of guilt and uncertainty in you mind. Is this the case ?

Have you thought of counselling ?

    Bookmark   August 1, 2009 at 8:27PM
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No baby. A baby will only HURT a bad relationship; NOT bring you closer together.

You both screwed up. Had he not started chatting, you wouldn't have done the same to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Sorry, doubt he will ever forgive you for cheating.

Do NOT have a BABY.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2009 at 8:33PM
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I can not shout this loud enough...DO NOT HAVE A BABY!!!!
It never helps...only makes matters worse and then you have brought an innocent child into this mess.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2009 at 10:00PM
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NO BABY! NO BABY! NO BABY! You will be trapped with no other choices. The mistake you made does not warrant a life sentence of unhappiness. I have a feeling that bringing a baby into this will seal your life. You do not deserve an unhappy life, no matter what anyone says.

I'd consider leaving the marriage, in fact. It will blow over in time and you deserve a chance at happiness. Don't bind yourself to this man. Warning signs abound.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2009 at 10:58PM
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"...we decice to get married with family tradition (not married with the certificate)."

Anybody know what she's talking about?

And, of course she wants a baby. The lunacy never ends.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 12:22AM
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I suppose I'm becoming the chronic doubter here, but this is another poster who joined on the day this thread started.
A coincidence?

Her writing looks to be purposely filled with gramatical errors and mispellings rather than with natural mistakes. There are things she writes where one would expect to find mistakes in the phrasing or the words she chooses, but instead the phrases are well written with very correct word usage.

I think sadwife50 is writing a fiction novel with this thread.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 9:10AM
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"he took all the money that we had been save (six firgue)and my new car."

they had 6 figure savings. LOL yet she says she couldn't financially support herself. yet that how much they saved. doing what?

Give me a break.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 10:01AM
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Maybe just an english as second language person? I think it's strange there are so many people here throwing water on the people who come here for the very reason the forum was created.

I know of some cultures where the OPs situation could be dead on.

It's not unusual for people to join the day they ask for help. Google brings people here. I don't assume people sit around making up problems for attention. I could be wrong but...

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 2:26PM
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Whatever. Assuming she's legit, she's whacked and so is her boyfriend/husband.

Considering having a baby with this miscreant " the situation will get better..." is totally nuts.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 2:39PM
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Some of the best advice I ever got is simple:
Whenever you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!

Being in a poor marriage (or long term relationship) is being in a hole of sorts. Having a baby is DIGGING!

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 7:33PM
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Get out and find a guy who is worthy of having a child with you. It's not your only chance. You can be happy, just not with him.

That said, what is with: "I suppose I'm becoming the chronic doubter here, but this is another poster who joined on the day this thread started. A coincidence?" Yes, it's a coincidence!!!!!! They want to remain anonymous. Why use your real name when you can hide? It's hard enough posting here, but post with your real name it gets exponentially harder. They're not spamming or trolling. They're hiding.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2009 at 8:49AM
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Thank you Popi, roselvr, phoggie, and golddust, I will take your advise seriousely not to have baby.

to asolo: Tradition wedding is we introduce both side of the family, and start to call the inlaw mom, and Dad. then we went to church or temple to do the ceramony and go to a restaurent to have a big party.

to monablair: This is a real story, I defenately need help. I was crying when I wrote this post and just put down whatever in my mind. In addition, English is my second language and sorry for the missed spellings.

To: rob333: Yes, give up, and move on. I've been thinking for a long time, but since I see my husband's suffer, and try to do anything to keep the family. it pulls me back to a stage of confused.

Just yesterday, He called and yelled at me. Called me by name, you name it!!! and 5 mins later he called back and appologize because he was so mad, He didn't have any body to talk to, so he put everything on me. Do you think it is normal for him to do it? or He was on medication, that's why he acted so weid like that? do you think a person in his position will act the same? Do you think the married ever improve or it's going to be like this for life time ?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 6:43PM
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If my husband called me *one* bad name I would run out the door. He does not respect you. Without respect, there is no hope, in my opinion.

Love is a two way street. He is not emotionally stable. It will not get better because you can not change him. You are suffering and he is making you suffer. You can not make anyone else happy. He has to make himself happy.

What would your parents say if you chose to leave him? Is this a big deal or not?

If you are confused, this means you are questioning your marriage and you likely already know what you want to do. Feeling guilty is no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. You will not feel guilty forever and you may even end up happy! You (we all) teach people how to treat you and your standards are in the sand with this man.

Don't worry about your grammar or spelling. I have a hard time too and I am an english as first language person. There is no excuse here. LOL!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 7:01PM
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One more thing. He helped you and you have helped him. You can not fix his depression. He has to. You are not responsible for his happiness. No one can make other people happy.

You have long ago paid off your debt. Maybe it is time to turn the channel in your life and star in a new movie.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 7:05PM
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OP, I apologize for accusing you of making this story up.
It's just it's hard to believe that you're being abused in this manner and you're still wondering if you should stay and make a baby with this man. But I'll take your word that this is the real story.

Since it is, I'm just going to keep my advice very brief.

Get out while you still have some self-respect left. Get out before the verbal abuse becomes physical abuse.
Things will only get worse and he'll blame you for everything that goes wrong in his life.

Get out of this marriage and don't look back.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 7:15PM
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I can't even get close to whatever cultural thing is going on here. OP speaks like a 10-year-old describing an out-of-control monster to whom she's bound in some way. WTF? Get out of there!!!! Out, out, out!!!!!!

Yo, OP. Grow up. Grow a brain. Are you writing from somewhere that allows no freedom at all?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 9:01PM
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I was thinking again (this can get dangerous around here) and I'm wondering if you had the affair because you aren't happy, but maybe you are afraid to be on your own?

You left your parents for him and now maybe you are *dependent on* him, verses *in love* with him. If this is the case, set him free to find someone who can really love him.

What is your cultural background? I am asking, not because I judge but because my son spent lots of time out of this country, studying foreign language and you demonstrate some aspects of the culture he spent lots of time in. They were very good, family oriented people - filled with lot's of obligation, duty, customs and guilt.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 9:26PM
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I want the cultural context RIGHT NOW!

In the country I live in, (USA) what OP has described is sickness and slavery. If she's living someplace where some weird, restrictive rules apply, why is she posting here?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 10:09PM
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She may have moved here from another country, asolo. If you moved to another country, you wouldn't immediately adopt that culture. You would be an American living in say, Italy. You wouldn't be Italian, living by their customs. Your identity would be American.

It may not necessarily be sickness and slavery. And she may not have restrictive rules, maybe just familial baggage that she is processing, AS an American. The world is complicated. Some things other cultures believe can be better, some not so much. If you start blasting her culture, we're not going to be much of any help with her processing, KWIM?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 10:30PM
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Well, duh, golddust!

How can I "blast" her culture without knowing what it is?

Obviously, you don't know either, so maybe refrain for a millisecond before launching and let OP respond (or not) so maybe we'll know what the deal is. Right now nobody does.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2009 at 11:32PM
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Yes, but there is a way to invite and a way to incite. There is a way to be supportive and a way to throw out people who need help.

Neither of us know. I'm trying to find out. You are throwing her under the bus. This forum bills itself as a support group. Just saying...

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 12:12AM
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"This forum bills itself as a support group."

Says this where?

Regardless, the behavior described doesn't need support. It needs correction; opposition; refutation. You're in favor of "supporting" what she's proposing? Fine. Do that. I will oppose you.

I've "invited" her to NOT have a baby and to get the hell away from this zombie husband/boyfriend she's described. IMHO she's clearly already "under the bus". I have no idea what it may take to get her out of there. And you don't either.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 12:27AM
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asola - wow, nasty attitude rearing it's ugly head. If you don't have anything to offer but criticism why do you bother? I've read other posts by you and they tend to have the same tone. Oh, I forgot, it sure is easy to sit at your computer hiding with anonymity and blast people. I wonder if you talk to people in person with same attitude as you convey on an anonymous message board.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 1:28AM
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Well thank goodness she has decided the baby idea is not a good one.

Sadwife - can you let us know what your background is, so we can all understand your marital obligations ?

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 4:13AM
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If OP's culture says that such marriage is wonderful, then she would not post here and ask us what to do. She posted because she knows it is pretty bad. I am familar with multiple cultures, i have never heard of cultures where husbands take 6 figure savings (hmm still wondering about that one), new car, physically abuse his wife, she has online lovers etc. does not sound like cultural difference to me. Sounds like messed up marriage or made up story.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 12:03PM
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sadwife, what is your cultural background? And in what country are you located? Knowing these things would be helpful and perhaps allay suspicions about the credibility of your situation.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 1:06PM
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Good morning from California.

You are right asolo and I stand corrected. This isn't a support group at all. It is a shame it comes up on google so often.

It's easy to address and even have a lively debate about lots of things, without attacking the person. I hope sadwife finds some other neighborhood to hang out in where her character is not under fire.

Sadwife *said* she was an english as a second language person. Why would we not believe her? Just because it *sounds* like a made up story doesn't mean it is.

Lots of threads on this forum has someone accusing the OP of making up a story. This confounds me.

I was directed here from another forum. Maybe people with good marriages don't often think to look up marriage forums on google. That is a good thing, I suppose. I'd hate to depend on some of you to give me advice. Ick.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2009 at 1:53PM
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