No sex Marriage

prettycatAugust 10, 2008

I was browsing and found this forum and read other similar stories about marriages with no sex. I really thought I was the only one and the complete anguish I feel is overwhelming. My husband also seems to have no sex drive and now I actually feel luckier than many as the last time we had sex was in April 2008.

I've been married three years to a mostly lovely man and while we dated, he couldn't keep his hands off me, but as soon as we got married, it stopped. We probably had sex every couple weeks the first year, but then maybe we have had sex once a month the second and less the third year now. I've asked him about it, he always promises it will be better, but it never is. I don't think I'm oversexed and I don't think he's ready to hang up his sex life just yet. We are aged 34 and 40.

I've written him letters, offered counselling, but he assures me it isn't me. Complicating matters are a few issues. He lost his mother a little over a year ago and a cat he has had for fourteen years, (his longest relationship really, is ill now and isn't expected to live much longer) As silly as it sounds, it sometimes feels he can relate better to the cat as she doesn't talk. They share a real intimacy and she actually comes to bed at night to tuck him in. ( I'm not kidding). We lack that intimacy.

I used to ask for sex periodically, but now, I don't feel like it as I know I will be rejected. We don't make out, we don't hold hands and we don't even sit with one another in the living room. I know he is a man capable of great love, as I see him giving it to our cat. But not to me. He says I am jealous of her, perhaps I am. I just wish he could relate to me the same way.

I think I am the loneliest I have ever been right now and I really don't know what to do. I suppose I am looking for the support I don't get as I don't have close friends, so no one knows about this but me. I can't carry the burden any longer.

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popi_gw

Yea, loneliness is heartbreaking, I sympathise with you there.

Do you have family to chat to ?

Perhaps its time to seek a counsellor, to give you some ideas on how to approach your situation in a positive manner. I am sure others, here, will have some good suggestions for you.

Dare I say it, perhaps when the cat "leaves" things might improve ?

    Bookmark   August 11, 2008 at 4:09AM
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ljtseng

I have a sexless marriage too. it kills my self esteem. but i know the root of it. my H is a porn addict.

what i dont understand is why you two dont hold hands, cuddle, or any of that. Is this also his choice? did something happen that he doesnt want to be physically close to you? It sounds like there is something else going on.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2008 at 10:40PM
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carla35

Hum... have you read anything about that Madonna- Whore complex thing some men have? Sounds like your husband may be one of them.

Here is a link that might be useful: Madonna whore complex

    Bookmark   August 12, 2008 at 11:07PM
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asolo

".....he always promises it will be better, but it never is."

A few suggestions......

1) He knows more than he's telling you.

2) He has an obligation to attempt to solve this obvious problem. He owes you -- and himself -- at least a diagnosis.

3) What you've described is, in fact, common as nails and likely fixable with a minimum of travail. I suspect an experienced psychiatrist -- not a counselor or social worker -- will be what's needed. Don't be trying to figure out complexes (Madonna-Whore) or anything else it might be. You'll just make yourself crazy and waste everyone's time. Get with a good psychiatrist and work with them.

4) Don't be starting a family with this fellow. You've described a person in ongoing psychological decline without abatement. This is his issue, not yours. He will either deal with it, or he won't. In any event, you may have a decision to make before it's over.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2008 at 11:48PM
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carla35

I don't know, asolo, not that I don't agree with you, but do you really think it's going to be easy to get him to admit to go to a psychiatrist... counseling maybe, but a psychiatrist???

Granted that would be the best thing, but if you can't get him there, I personally would at least try to figure out what you are dealing with. Is it a porn problem, is he depressed, is he gay, does he have a girlfriend, is it the madonna-whore thing, is it an abusive controlling thing, did the poster maybe just get really fat, who knows? There are sometimes real issues that can be discovered and addressed within the marriage itself especially if he refuses to seek outside help. Plus, although you're probably right, I'm not 100% sure from the little the poster said that we can really conclude her husband is a total nut job. Theoretically, he could just be an a-hole and that love of cats could point him in a whole different direction.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 12:13AM
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asolo

Didn't say any of that stuff. Just keyed on what OP said. Whether easy or hard beside the point. Where did the "nut job" comment come from? Do you equate psychiatry with nuts? Psychiatrists are MD's first. They can deal with entire physical/mental spectrum -- which is what I suspect will be needed if OP wants to get to the bottom of this. Counselors just talk, and they're already talking. I suspect more than that in play from OP's description. Believe pointless to speculate what's at the root. If it was that easy to figure out, it would have been by now.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 12:20PM
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prettycat

Wow, thanks for the responses. I highly doubt he has that complex. His mother was absolutely great. She showered them with love. His father was the abusive one and since I'm a social worker myself, I can see much of what goes on with clear vision. We have spoken since I posted and it's a little better between us. I believe he has a control complex, mimicking his abusive father.

We will see how it goes in the near future, but I feel slightly better for talking with him.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 12:41PM
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carla35

Sane people see counselors, mentally ill (or yes, nuts) people with "personality" disorders or bipolar mood disorders per say (not minor mood disorders) see psychiatrists. So, sorry, I'm not sure why someone who wasn't "nuts" would need to see a pyschiatrist.

Maybe I'm using 'nuts' a little too loosely. I have a few friends that do see pyschiatrists and I can see why some may take it negatively. But there is a huge difference between having a condition that would require someone to seek out an MD psychiatrist versus a psychologist or counselor. Low depression, anxiety, and related mood disorders are easily covered by general practitioners and therapists working together and pyschiatrists are generally not needed. Why would you suggest one, if you think this husband is sane and not "nuts' so to say?

And, sorry if I'm offending people, but people with personality disorders are generally kind of "nuts" and really do need help. Maybe I shouldn't name call but when people treat their spouses this way, I find it a little assuring so that the spouses don't try to take the blame themselves.

If the OP's husband is abusive and taking after his father, he could very well be abusive himself and have a borderline or narcisstic disorder. I would tell the OP though, not to guess on how good someone's mothering was. There is a lot more to these disorders than you realize and not everyone fits every discription... plus, wikipedia is probably not the most complete and correct place to get into. If the husband/father was abusive, although the mother may seem very nice, etc. many mothers are not able to parent correctly due to abusive behavior towards them. It's sad but it happens; the women, being abused themselves, may be too insecure to parent correctly; they often also turn to their children (especially the males) as substitute husbands (not sexually, but mentally). There is a lot of early parenting that can effect a person in their adult life. Even too much love/attention/mothering can create problems. I even have a friend who doesn't speak to his otherwise good mother, because she choose not to leave her abusive husband (hence the child is mad at her for keeping him in a place where he was being abused -although he ironically still talks to dad). There are so many ways to interpret good or bad parenting.

Here's another basic wikipedia link (again not the best place for detailed info but will give you some basics); you may find the info on narcisstic personality interesting. I'm still in the court that your husband probably is nuts and needs to see a shrink (Hopefully, I can use that word without offending too many?)

Sorry if I put words in your mouth, asolo. I'm just not understanding why you would suggest sending a sane person to a shrink? And, again, what are you thinking is wrong with him that would make you suggest that?

Here is a link that might be useful: Personality disorders

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 1:49PM
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asolo

Neither you, nor I, not OP know what's at the root of this long-standing and continuing behavioral change. (I haven't suggested insanity.) I suggested psychiatrist because of the more inclusive range of expertise they have. What's needed is a diagnosis. I think the inclusiveness of the psychiatrist's skill-set would be the place to start. I don't think Wikipedia, or wondering, or suspecting, or making it up is logical or productive.

The OP just said she has experience in social work herself so already likely has a head-start in her considerations. However, in the three-year time-frame described, the situation continues to decline. That indicates to me the value of bringing in more expertise. That's what a psychiatrist -- with their more-advanced skill-set -- could do.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 2:20PM
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prettycat

He is home today and he actually apologized to me. He is rather hard on me about house work, but I have a bad back. I said I would clean later and he said not to worry about it. This is huge for him as he likes to control things. He then apologized and said he had been rough on me because of stress. It really meant a lot to have him say that and he came and gave me a big hug.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 8:28AM
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asolo

umm.....I thought the issue was sex/affection...three years of decline. Did I miss the point?

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 1:44PM
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carla35

He's crazy, what did you expect? ;-)

I don't know. First, it was a sex problem, then a control complex (something I have to admit to never hearing of in my studies) but I'm guessing "control issues" that are abuse related. He apologized just enough to make her believe he's a new and changed man... typical abuse pattern. Sure he'll be back to his old self within a few days. Controlling sex (and lack of it) the way he's doing points to serious control/abuse problems.

And, prettycat, I'm saying this to you as a woman. I know you are in social work and you think you know what's going on, but even the most intellegent and educated women are often emotionally abused by their husbands and don't realize it is going on. It is something you can miss even being in a related field yourself. I'm sorry if I'm wrong and he really has apologized and turned over a new leaf, so to say, but I really do bet he'll be back to his old personality quicker than you think. Read up on emotional abuse.

The lack of sex thing was one thing, but when you start talking of control issues, you're opening a big can of worms. Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2008 at 11:52PM
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athlete2010

Hi prettycat,

Please write us back in a month and let us know how it is going.

As a married man of 47, it's difficult for me to understand a guy not wanting to have an active love life with his wife. It seems as though he deceived you before you were married, and he is now making excuses.

If he has a medical issue or he suffers from depression, then that could explain some of it, but I don't think that's the case. If he has trouble performing, then there are some different pills he could take.

If he is withholding affection and sex to control you or punish you, then that has to stop. While I am happy for you that he has apologized, I am not confident that this will lead to the love life you want.

Men are creatures of habit, and bad habits can be hard to break. For your sake, I hope that he can change.

Athlete

    Bookmark   August 22, 2008 at 11:59PM
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dirt_yfingernails

Ditto what Carla and Athlete said.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 3:02PM
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tsde

Hi!!

I am in my late 20s and just a year(!!) into my marriage. But we have had sex just a handful number of times.

Though we are newly weds, the first few months were very very rough, he was unfaithful to me. Though now everything is back on track, the sex has stopped. I don't know what the reason is. He just seems disinterested in me. I have tried to initiate it in the past, but only happens when i initiate. I am getting really worried for this lack of sex. Though I know for a fact that he sometimes enjoys adult material, when i'm away, then why not sex? I'm confused and worried.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2008 at 1:43PM
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asolo

Your questions may or may not be answered but the behavior -- especially in a new marriage -- is intolerable for whatever reason. Suggest conscientious consideration of your circumstances and options.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2008 at 2:42PM
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tsde

But he is very sweet to me otherwise, and takes care of me. He loves me a lot. Just barring this one thing.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2008 at 9:42AM
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asolo

Plus the affair....pretty much right after you married.....I believe you said.

Ok, then. Everything's fine with other women and "adult material" -- just not with you. No problem, I guess, although it sure would be for me.

How were things during courtship? Is this behavior new or was he always like this?

    Bookmark   September 5, 2008 at 10:58AM
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tsde

No he was not like this. About courtship, we dated long distance for around 3 yrs. But he always wanted to talk dirty on the fone n thru chat. But after a couple of months into marriage, the desire has all gone!!! May be its just me :(

    Bookmark   September 5, 2008 at 11:41AM
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asolo

Or maybe your man has issues you're still unaware of.

What does he say when you bring it up? You have discussed it, yes?

    Bookmark   September 5, 2008 at 12:15PM
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alexiadesignbuff

This is tough. We've been married almost 6 years, he is 39 and I am 33. We went through this after our first child was born, no sex for 6 months. After that we had some troubles, and I left him for 3 months and moved back to my parents. I was lucky that he came after me, emotionally and physically. We've had a couple ups and downs since, but on average we're making love 2-4 times per week. I empathize, since those six months were the loneliest for me as well.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 2:44PM
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lonelyme

Hi!

All of you seem to be better of than me.

I am 31 and my culture does not approve of pre marital sex. After my marriage 2.5 years ago, we tried a few times but it didn't work out as he used to get excited fast and it would take me lot more time.

Whatever I did while we were making out, he would disapprove of it and soon I realised he has had sex with a lot of women in the past, so he had his standards and I was naive. So all we did was, I would lie down and he would rub himself on my body, I could be replaced with a soft pillow.

One day he came back from work, he was very tense due to some situation developing at work, we tried doing it and as usual it was unsuccessful so he started yelling at me and ever since we have not even tried.

Over time I have developed thyroid and fibroid problem which are both linked to stress and negativity as confirmed by doctors. I have lost my job due to my health, my health has deteriorated so much and my sex life has not even begun.

My husband is very nice to me otherwise, we hold hands, cuddle but he treats me like a child, and he always rejects me, I get so furious with his ways at times. Initially he used to say he doesn't want to force himself upon me but I knew that was not the reason, now he says we will do it but it never happens and he rejects me every time I try to get close.

Getting divorced and marrying again is not easy in my country. I don't know what to do.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 5:23AM
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boxiebabe

To the original OP - sounds to me as though he may be experiencing depression. Nothing like good ol depression to zap the libido - I know from personal experience. Having lost his mother and his beloved pet of 14 years is quite a blow. Counseling is fine, but a Psychiatrist can not only offer counseling - but can prescribe medication should it be necessary.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 11:04AM
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closetdiva

To lonelyme:

I'm guessing you're in the middle east. This relationship you're in if an extremely abusive one (as it seems when reading about your situation). Does your husband ever hurt your physically? He certainly is mentally/emotionally abusive....... your best bet may be to leave....RUN if you have to!

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 7:33PM
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tenderchichi

There were a number of posts above about whether to see a psychiatrist vs. psychologist.

Often times people with abusive personalities evolve into a psychiatric disorder which requires a diagnosis. Psychologists and MDs are not really qualified to make the diagnosis. A person may go to see a psychologist with signs and symptoms of depression. They could be presenting the illness for the first time as with bi-polar/manic depression. That disorder often presents first with depression and not until a person is in their 40's. If an antidepressant is prescribed it can lift the mood and propel the person into mania/psychotic mania. The physician would have to know that an anti-convulsant should be prescribed along with the antidepressant.

I think it best to see a psychiatrist/neurologist and then switch if their expertise is not needed.

Better to be safe than sorry.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 1:10AM
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lullaby357

does anyone else see a serial killer type profile emerging here with this chicks guy? sorry, guess I've just watched too many crime dramas. I only googled "no sex forums" because I was looking for a place to meet people who were looking for friends not sex partners. I had to join just to comment on this because it reminded me of an episode of CSI or one of the others. didn't really mean to offend.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 1:02PM
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asolo

"...guess I've just watched too many crime dramas."

Yes, you have. Husband with problems suspected of being emergent "serial killer" is a stretch, to say the least.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 2:03PM
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soli_2010

no sex in my marrage. help me out. I am 30 years old and my husband is 55. We have been married for 4 years now. At first the sex was good,but now it is once in 6 month,even that is one I start it. At first I tought,it is because he is getting old so that is why But I forget to tell you something. He watches porn,I cought him several times, and I know he musterbutes, and even he has KY. I have talked about it several times....now I am tired of being horny,and not getting any thing from him. What should I do??I am deppressed too. He works five days a week,when he comes back from work...he watches TV and while watching he is sleep after 15-20 minutss. I love him ,but now my I am sick and tired of this. I work too.

Here is a link that might be useful: no sex in my marriage

    Bookmark   November 30, 2010 at 2:42PM
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asolo

soli 2010....If you're really interested, start a new thread. This one's years old.

What's with the meaningless link?

    Bookmark   November 30, 2010 at 3:06PM
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western_pa_luann

"I know he musterbutes"

oooo... gotta watch out for those!

    Bookmark   December 1, 2010 at 12:29AM
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scarlett2001

Bwha-a-a-w...oh, LuAnn. You just made me spit Ovaltine onto my keyboard.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2010 at 1:01AM
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western_pa_luann

LOL!

    Bookmark   December 5, 2010 at 10:13PM
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