Addicted to my DH - a bad thing!

RiverAugust 11, 2002

Not sure if this is co-dependency or not and I wasn't exactly sure what to title it.

But, my whole life revolves around my dh. I have no real friends that I hang out with and devote all my being to my home and my family.

Now my DH, on the other hand, he has plenty of friends and can always find something to do away from home.

The fact that he doesn't live for me the same way I live for him makes me crazy.

I dwell on it and it makes me very sad. I even thought giving him a child would give him a reason to put me/us first, but it didn't. Now I feel bad for out kids.

My DH is decent, he is a SAHD and does a ton more things with our boys than I do, kinda like little buddies, but a couple times a year, when he gets with his friends, he doesn't know when to come home and drinks to much or does drugs and spends way to much 'not there' money.

To me, if he cared about his family, he wouldn't do that.

He tells me it has nothing to do with me and it's not my fault, but I keep thinking, what is it that he doesn't want to come home to us?

I've thought about seeing a shrink, but I feel all they will tell me to do is leave him. I've even gone to a few alanon meetings, but they were just to vague for me to get anything out of them.

So I thought I'd come here, kinda anonamos, and ask you guys what you thought. Do I have a personal problem myself that I need to get over or get help understanding or is he really selfish or has some type of addiction problem?

Thanks!

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paula_pa

I think you would need to work together on this first. A couple of times each year doesn't sound like an addiction but he may be trying to escape something or have other issues he needs to deal with. Counseling might shed some light on what that is. If he doesn't want to try counseling then it is only your problem and you have to come to terms with his behavior and figure out if you can live with it or not.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2002 at 7:57PM
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phyllis_philodendron

Maybe you need to cultivate other outside interests. Get involved outside the home, do crafts, etc. etc. Meet people through work, church, etc. The fact that he might spend time once a year or something with friends wouldn't bother me so much - but the fact that he does drugs when he's with these people would bother me. Alcohol is one thing - drugs, depending on what kind, are another. In my opinion, it would only take one time of being irresponsible to screw up "something" (whatever that something is). Maybe I'm being too pessimistic here. I don't know.

he probably needs an outlet after taking care of the kids all day, just like SAHM's do. Sometimes it can make you crazy being in the company of small children all the time, I'm sure you know. While he goes off on his little excursion once or twice a year with friends, maybe you need to plan a girls night out or something like that.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2002 at 2:23PM
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amygdala

Seeing a counselor to go over what you experience as problematic in your life seems like a good idea (it's a stock kind of good idea, like if you were running a notable fever for no apparent reason it would probably be a good idea to get a medical consultation for that situation).

Addictions in general are not healthy for people.

Give some time and effort to figuring out what you think and feel about what you want from him, and from your relationship-- and why. Is it possible that he has demonstrated (at least in one way) that you and family are first in his life (he is a SAHD)?

Are there are workable number of things you would need for him to change? By that kind of thing, the issues would be less about him being who is is and having the interests he does. It doesn't seem unreasonable to work out some kind of organized budget-- including awareness of, and explicit statements about what money there is and what money there is not (as well as why you both think and feel what you do). He may need to limit the time he spends with his friends if he is aware of his own tendencies to 'over do' things. The nature of cooperative relationships between adults is that people have to be willing to compromise reasonably to benefit all involved (each other and any children).

Knowing other people's thoughts and feelings is not really possible with 100% accuracy. Some people wouldn't come home because they didn't necessarily put their 'home and family' first in that instant-- maybe. Others might not come home because they were out late and 'catching up with friends' they hadn't seen in what feels (to them) like ages and they didn't want to disturb their 'home and family.' Some might be passed out and more or less unable to relocate anywhere for the night. There are as many different ways of thinking about this as there are people who might have experienced not going home for the night. A complicating factor for your partner is that adults who perform a stay at home or home-based care giving schedule need some respite, like anyone else, from their workplace and work schedule. There is a normal need for anyone to be able to have breaks or away-times or vacations from work from time to time.

A further complicating thing for women in general is that the stay at home tasks, as well as any general household work is seen or felt to be reflective of the woman of the house (so to speak). There is a kind of unspoken social pressure, maybe intensified depending on the woman's upbringing, to be focused on 'home and family' if one is a woman. It's much more emphasized and demanded of women than of men. It can seem like an 'addiction' which is focused on a partner, home, and family is healthy and normal for women anyway. Addictions by their very nature though are all-consuming and unhealthy. People live as if driven to get their next 'fix' (whatever that may be) instead of being able to live their lives the way they intend to.

Whatever you do with self-counseling, writing, or seeing a counselor; make sure you are the one deciding what if anything to do. If anyone urges you to make some drastic life change, at least ask them to explain themselves and their thinking. The question would be, do you want you to leave him (and why or why not)-- if a counselor told you to leave him you might ask them why they would advise you to upheave your life and home, and your partner's and those of your children.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2002 at 3:23PM
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