I have a Strange Problem...

bulldinkieAugust 11, 2002

Im not sure how or what to think. we had these 2 people husband & wife who the husband does sub contract work for my husband anyway everything we did they did,everything we buy they buy. I couldnt take it anymore. I said Im done. I mean this is serious.everything from hair coloring,pets,pool,pond dog,camera,vehicles,tractor,decorating,landscaping,jewelry,excersise equipment I could go on & on..I have kidney problems will need a transplant she would always bring it up as if to say ha ha you have this.. so I told my husband thats it Im finished I dont care to spend time with them anymore. If its brought up Im the bad guy to him. I dont understand these people were not our friends they were using us.His sister comes to visit and she insults me to my face never in front of my husband if I say anything Im the bad guy. Im His wife shouldnt I come first???

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We have some friends that we suspect may be more friends of convenience, than true friends. I have true friends (couples) so we know what the real thing acts like.

By 'using' I mean inviting us only to events where our minivan would come in handy, etc.

I am lucky that DH also sees thru their ruse. I would say, instead of trying to convince DH of your position, simply arrange activities with other couples. Cultivate other couple friendships. If activities come up with this couple, and IF you have no other plans, participate. But over time, as the other relationships develop, DH will see what a reall friendship is all about.

By the way, DH is a transplant recipient. If you need to talk, feel free to email me. You've had your share of health problems lately, and so I'm sure you are going thru a tough time. I can tell you true friends are the only reason we survived all that we went thru.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2002 at 7:42AM
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What does it mean, to come first with your partner? The complicating thing is that he may actually feel those people are friends, or like younger siblings (or some other kind of relation where it's relatively 'acceptable' to tag along a whole lot). Maybe it is flattering and reinforcing in a positive way for him that they seem to want to be like you/him. Only he knows why he likes them or wants to interact with them as friends.

Only you can really explain to him what it is they say and how they say it-- the type of thing you hear from them about your personal health issues. You can simplify the total situation by focusing in on what it is they have done, or continue to do which (to you) clearly crosses the line of tolerable behaviour. He might still feel like you're the 'bad guy' but if you can clearly state your position, and the reasons for it-- he can think and feel his own stuff about the situation.

About the only tip for dealing with the sister is to ignore what she says when it seems she is baiting you or insulting you. Especially, if there are no other witnesses right there to see it just breathe deeply and think about how much good a deep cleansing breath can feel. It's good for you and you don't need to interact with people who are insulting.

The thing about what happens with someone who goes out of their way to deliver personal insults which are for your ears and eyes only is that they have 'plausible deniability' and can lie with ease about the situations. Basically, if she is setting you up to complain to your husband about her behavior (which she can deny, and make it into some kind of 'sister' or 'wife' which is more important to him show); you probably shouldn't play along with her. She may be _that_ needy or desperate for her brother's affections or displays that result when you end up looking like the 'bad guy.' Adults who act that way tend to have complex problems that are best left alone by observers.

you are his wife, can you have faith that you do come first with him without more public displays (including that couple, or his sister, or whatever)-- or if you feel you'd like more public displays talk to him about what you want him to try (and listen to him about why or why not he would or won't try, and then try to work out some sort of midway position you can both live with)

    Bookmark   August 14, 2002 at 3:44PM
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Actually, your problem is probably not that strange. There are a lot of people like your friends in the world today. Everyone is so worried about keeping up with the neighbors or family members or friends. My SIL and BIL seem to try to buy into this, too. They often visit your house, see your new thing and then go get one for themselves. We all see through it and I've just given up on caring. I guess what you need to do is stop worrying about them copying and see if you like who they are other than that. If they're making fun of you...speak up and say something. Don't let them think it's okay to do it. If you're still not happy, get rid of them. They're not really friends if they don't understand that your kidney problem is not a laughing matter to you. Sometimes we hate to get rid of friends or ignore people but find out we're better off without them..

    Bookmark   August 19, 2002 at 2:23PM
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I did thats part of the problem .I told my husband he can do what ever he wants,hunting,horseback riding whatever just dont involve me. Im done.He thinks Im wrong. Even though when I saw what was happening he aggreed. He thinks I should overlook it. But I cant anymore its so bad.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2002 at 8:39AM
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I had a "friend" who always seems to copy everything I like. Once I tried this out. When we went out shopping together, I'd say "Oh wouldn't that look nice in my garden, house, etc." She'd immediately start talking about buying whatever it was I'd admired. I tried picking something really ugly just to see if she'd go after it. It seemed like if she thought I wanted it, she had to have it. I still can't figure out if she doesn't trust her own taste or if she's extremely competitive. Doesn't matter thuogh, I realized that she wasn't much of a friend.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2002 at 10:03PM
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