Does anyone else feels this way?

ppoyAugust 2, 2006

I have been married for 2 years now and have been with my wife for almost 7 years. Before her, I was in another relationship. So I have only had 2 sexual partners. And recently this has started to bother me a lot. I am only 26 and I feel like I have missed out a lot. I feel like I should not have gotten in this relationship so early and should have dated around or should have been with other girls.

I have a strong desire for sex but I do not get turned on by my wife. She thinks my sexual desire has gone down but I do not want to tell her that I frequently find other women sexually attractive. I get sad to think that if I stay in this marriage I will not be able to have sex with anyone else. I love my wife but at the same time I am struggling with this desire to have sex with other women.

Do you guys feel like this? Is there so way I can sort things out in my marriage? And help will be greatly appreciated.

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Marriage doesn't mean the attraction to others goes away. Everyone's world is well-populated by "desirable others" and always will be. Sexual opportunities are all around all the time. Marriage to another comes with the promise that you won't act on those attractions/desires. That's what "commitment" is. If you weren't ready for that, you shouldn't have promised that you were. Perhaps it was a mistake. We've all made those, too.

Your only "other" was when you were a teenager -- hardly counts. You had five years to evaluate your present wife before deciding. If you can't or don't want to honor the commitment -- if you "need" to get your ya-ya's out -- do yourself and your wife a favor and 'fess up and end it now. If your wife is your same age and if you don't have kids, there's still plenty of time to grow up.

On the other hand, there are professionals who specialize in sexual matters between spouses. Inasmuch as the matter is apparently on the table between you already, perhaps some helpful new perspectives could come from some meetings with such a person.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2006 at 4:13PM
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I agree with asolo comments.

I have been married for 23 years, and its so important to talk about what is troubling you. If you bottle things up, then it just festers away, and it all ends up in a big argument, which can be avoided with honesty and good communication. Often a compromise is the only way to resolve things.

By saying also need to choose your words, and say things in a positive frame. I think you should definately address your issues, now, by talking to someone, like a counsellor, or your wife. She might feel the same way, for all your know.

Perhpas your feelings are an indication of a further problem in your relationship, that needs to be explored.

I congratulate you in posting such a personal issue for all to read.

I hope that you get some good comments that are helpful to you.

All the best.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2006 at 8:42PM
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I could find something attractive enough about almost anyone to desire them.The idea of acting on it is put into perspective by the numbers issue(if I can't have them all,why have any)lol.I have an active enough imagination to do the monogamous thing without problems.Also,I am fairly certain that an affair would make my mate bitter for life.It's not something I would do unless I was divorced.I do not come from your limited partner background,but I can tell you that sex with people you don't love never holds a candle to sex with someone you know and love.Honestly,I doubt you are missing much.Buy your wife a few striptease dance classes or something and turn it up a notch.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 1:34PM
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Thank you all for your advice.
Sometimes the feeling of wanting to have sex with some other girl I find attractive is so strong that I get sad thinking that I am with my wife. It is not that my wife is not trying her best to spice up things in our sex life. He does do numerous things which are good. But I guess it is the desire to have someone different, see something different, different body that is troubling me. I know that life is not an ongoing pornoflick. But to come to this realization, I am having trouble. It is so sad that when I see so many married couple of people with wedding rings, I feel like how do these people do it. I feel like only if I could have some control on the state of my mind, I would be happier.
May be it could be because I work at the university and see so many young and fine looking girls all the time. Or may be it could be because I am addicted to porn.
I am not trying to be boastful, but I am not bad looking and sometimes I see some girls looking at me with interest and I think, man if I was not with my wife, may be just may be I could have sex with that girl. It has been really hard to put this problem in this forum as it is so personal and embarassing.
Nevertheless I thank you all for your words.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 3:45PM
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".....Or may be it could be because I am addicted to porn. "

Anything else you left out?

You don't have "addiction" problems. You have maturity and character problems. I agree with your OP -- you shouldn't have married.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 4:21PM
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My DH was addicted to porn and adult chat rooms for a while. Nearly ended our marriage. Even the counselor he went to didn't see a problem, some help THAT was. DH stopped the addiction and our love life has greatly improved and so has our relationship.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2006 at 10:28AM
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Your addiction to porn is probably the main problem. Your are being aroused by too many different types of girls too often. It just does not work with a healthy marriage. A little to spice up you love life is one thing, but it is ruining it and causing you to have cravings which are more than normal or healthy for a married man.

It's not your age, it's not that you didn't date enough, or that your wife isn't cute enough. It's the porn. You simply can not be visually seeing this kind of stuff constantly and think that it is not affecting your perception of reality or your sex drive.

Happily, since you are causing your own problem, you have full control to stop it. But, I have a feeling you already know that. So, why don't you stop watching the porn and see what happens? I bet it's because you can't. Addictions are hard to break. But, I'll tell you this: You are living in a DREAM WORLD and will someday wake up; Sooner rather than later (and before your marriage ends) would be better but that pretty much depends on how smart you are. Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2006 at 12:38AM
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First, I want to point out that not only men experience what you are going through. plenty of women wish they had taken the opportunity to have multiple sex partners. If I hadn't done so, I know I would have wished I had.

This leads to the possibility that your wife may be feeling the same way.

Second, I'm not sure porn is the issue. It may be, I'm not ruling it out. But just because it's an obvious culprit doesn't mean it is the actual one. If you really want to try and make your marriage work, then you certainly need to test it and turn the porn off for several months and see if that helps.

Personally, I think what you are going through is very legitimate and honest. It is clear that you have no desire to hurt your wife, but that you are having strong feelings that I think many people have in your situation.

It's clear to me that your feelings are very strong and that you need to do something about this before you just have an affair as a response to undealt-with feelings.

Realistically, what are your options?

The big question is, do you have kids? Whether or not you do entirely changes your options.

If you have kids, you owe it to them to do everything possible to make your marriage work. It just may be that you are someone who will only have two sexual partners in his life. If you have kids you may just need to accept that, greive, and let it go. You and your wife need to get into therapy and work this out.

If you don't have kids, innocent bystanders deeply affected by your choices, then you have more choices. You need to be brutally honest about your options.

Can you imagine your life without your wife? Completely without? There is a distinctly possible outcome in which she hates you, never talks to you again, and looks at you with venom and hurt any time she happens to see you. How will that feel? Presumably, you married your wife because you liked her. If anyone I liked came to hate me, that would really hurt.

It sounds horrible to do something to someone that would hurt them so much. But if you end up feeling like you are stuck in a marriage you don't want, then that is hurtful toward her too. Having a reluctant spouse that is not sexually attracted to you (she knows whether you have told her or not) is no way to live life either. If your desire to have some sexual freedom is strong enough that it will poison your marriage, then it might be best for both of you to get out of it. Be ready to pay the consequences.

What's most important in this thing the you are going through, from my perspective, is that you deal with these feelings so that you can make choices with your head and heart (not your penis). You need to be an adult and evaluate your choices and their consequences with compassion and respect for both you and your wife. And you need to do it before something "just happens" because that will make things ever more complicated and painful.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2006 at 2:15PM
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If you have trouble being attracted to your wife when you are 27 and presumably she's the same age or younger--you have a problem that will not improve with age and maturity. Unless you have children, Get out and give her a break and a chance to find somebody who thinks she's wonderful.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2006 at 3:44AM
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