Controlling, Narcassistic, Degrading Husband

ckcmackyAugust 25, 2010

I am 21 years old and have been married a little over a year. I found out I was pregnant and both of us feeling pressure we decided to marry 2 months later. Nothing has been the same since we said "I do" and we already had a load of problems before we found out we were pregnant. I am now living with a man who constantly tries to dictate me like im his daughter, he cant stand when i do anything that i want to without consulting him first, he tries to control who i can and cant go see with my son (including family members on my side). We argue every single day all day. We are no longer intimate, he degrades me and talks down to me constantly. He is verbally abusive and says things to me that I have never heard anyone say in my entire life. His parents have characteristics like this that i have been exposed to just over the last 2 years of our relationship. I am worried this will never change because it is what he is accustom to. He does not think anything he does is wrong, and feels no where near bad when I am sobbing because of all the repulsive things that he says to me. Our son is only 8 months old and I dont know if i can be this unhappy the rest of my life or even for 18 years until our son moves out. All I feel I do these days is cry. I look at my baby boy and wish I could do better for him and I know how it is having your parents divorce, mine did when i was 12. I never ever wanted to divorce especially if I had children, and I still dont want to because i feel its better to live unhappy the rest of my life, so my son can grow up with a mommy and daddy together. At this point I am just lost, I have no idea what I should do so I am just looking for a little advice. I fear getting pregnant again because I couldn't handle having two children by him. He has no appreciation for all the hard work it already takes for me to raise a baby, I can't imagine what I'd go through with two.

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To begin with, I'd suggest getting out of there for at least a week so you can clear your head and think about things from a distance. You say you have family...can you board with a hopefully-sympathetic family member while you settle down a bit? Within a few days, I think you'll find a more settled mind will lead to better clarity in your considerations. Might also act as a wake-up call for your husband.

How's the money situation?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 3:56PM
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I have left before and now I dont hear the end of it. I dont think he learned a lesson the first time because now when we argue and i am upset and say that I need to get out of here. He will threaten me and also say stupid stuff like "oh yeah go run to mommys, thats all you know how to do, you dont know how to be a wife" The money situation, is awful. There isnt really any money. I can't work because we only have one car that he takes to work everyday. I am stuck here with my son. So we're living off of one income, which makes him feel he has the right to tell me that everything here is his and nothing is mine because I dont contribute anything. Like i said, no appreciation. If and when I do leave what do i do if after a week he still acts like he does nothing wrong and that I am totally in the wrong because I left.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 4:04PM
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Well, if you've already been through that drill, I suspect you're likely looking at the rest of your life the way it is.

Considering what you've described, I would, indeed, "run to mommy's" ....and stay there while you figure out how the divorce should be handled. You've described a thoroughly toxic environment for yourself and your child. Get out of there. Do it soon.

You've already made a load of bad decisions. You can learn to make better ones. You're young. You can start again and be smarter/better. Do it for your child if not for yourself.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 4:15PM
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End it now. Your son does not deserve what you're subjecting him to. Look at it this way: if you stay, your son will grow up thinking that it's Ok to treat a woman that way. After all, Mommy lets Daddy do it. Then you'd just be continuing the tragic cycle from your husband's childhood. Don't you want your son to be a better man than that?

It doesn't sound as though there is any basis for this marriage other than a pregnancy and even before then you had loads of problems. If you already left once why did you go back? If you do leave again, whatever you do make sure that it's for real, because if you go back again it'll never end and he'll just think that you aren't serious.

Please tell us that you're on the pill or are doing some other as-close-to-failsafe-contraception-method as possible. And yes, continue that after you leave him and as you get involved with other men; don't get pregnant again until you are in a solid and secure place and then plan it

Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 5:02PM
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"I have left before and now I dont hear the end of it. I dont think he learned a lesson"

Oh, yeah, he learned the lesson;
you came back & he's still pulling your strings.

You've gotten excellent advice, & all I can add is my own personal, first-hand testimony.

My mother was a controlling, narcissistic, rage-aholic.

They *never* change, they *never* think anyone else matters, & you'll always be a puppet & a target.

The last time I saw my mother, she was tied in her wheelchair;
I had nightmares that night.

Get yourself & your son out of there.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 5:59PM
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You really do need to own your stuff. I trust you may learn from it. However, what you've described is intolerable regardless. Your child is going to be poisoned with this crap. Suggest you re-evaluate in private in the most supportive environment you can find.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 8:53PM
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Water under the bridge now but, I have never thought being pregnant was a reason to get married. Especially if you were having problems in the beginning. Go live with a family member if possible and decide how you will get out of this situation you have gotten yourself into. I don't call what you describe as a marriage.
Your son does not need to grow up in this nightmare situation. Staying together just for the children is NOT doing the kids any favors believe me. I wish my mom had divorced my dad so we kids could have grown up in a more stable household. But she didn't and we kids hated it. So if you don't care anything about yourself at least think of your son and what he will be going through seeing and hearing all of your husband's abuse. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 9:40PM
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In the words of Tracey Chapman, "Girl, you better run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run." The likelihood of your husband changing his attitude is somewhern between zero and none. It works fine for him. Why should he change?
Getting married simply because you were pregnant when your relationship was rocky was a poor decision. Actually, getting pregnant when your relationship was rocky wasn't a great decision either (please make sure you don't again, it will only make things much, much harder). Staying together so your son has a mom and a dad is a really lousy decision, when you fight all the time and he sees his dad degrading his mom all the time. You say your husband's parents have characteristics like this- so do you want your son going down the same road? Better to have one happy mom than an abusive dad and a deeply unhappy mom.
So, put the poor decisions behind you (they say experience is what you get from making bad decisions), turn over a new page, and start making good decisions for yourself and the son who is depending on you to make good decisions for him.
For the record, my mother divorced my alcoholic father when I was 14, and it was SUCH a RELIEF. Divorce doesn't always devastate the children as much as living in a toxic household does.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2010 at 11:49PM
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Dear girl, you have received some excellent advice from the other posters.

Things may be terrible for you now, but keep in mind that things can change for the better if you take control of your life. Your son will not be affected by a marriage breakdown at this point, he won't know what's going on. If you stay where you are, and he gets older and more aware of what is going on, his tender young years will absorb the drama, and affect him in his future. He may even, ask you why you stayed if you were not happy, when he is older.

Try to be optimistic about the future, ask for help from your family.

Don't let anyone treat you like crap, you are a worthy person.

Please be careful he doesn't sound like a good person.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 4:26AM
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Thank you all so much for your advice. After listening to his parents and his manipulative words I really thought I was the crazy one and that this was all "normal". Its nice to hear some sane advice. My family has been telling me for a while that it will never change and i'll always be unhappy if i dont remove myself from the situation. It was hard for me to understand this and cope with it because i was manipulated to believe that my family just wasnt on my side and didnt want my marriage to work. It's sad because I never saw these characterstics in him until the day I found out I was pregnant. We dated 4 years before the day we found out and we did have spats, and problems.. but no where near as bad from that day forward. I just have to be true to myself, we're just not in high school anymore. You all are absolutley right, my son is what is important now. And to answer the birth control question, yes I am on the pill I couldn't risk getting pregnant again. (not like we're sexually active) I find it hard to even want to get close to him, I mean who wouldnt feel that way in this situation? You live and learn, and it looks like I've learned a valuable lesson in this situation, and its time to get my son in a stable environment. I will keep you all updated on how things go, as of right now I am trying to figure out a time to do this. Yesterday after the first few followups I was convinced to leave and finally thought about myself and my son but he showed up early from work and caught me off guard. Another afternoon of arguing, not a surprise. He's gone now so I'll update when I can. Thank you so much for all of your advice!

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 9:56AM
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You sound intelligent and you have a chance to survive this and make a better life for yourself and your child. Good for you. Now just make sure you keep your resolve and do it. Do NOT let him or his family convince you otherwise. If you need someone to help you get out and someplace to go - enlist someone now.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 4:01PM
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Thanks for coming back and letting us know what you are doing. Happy to read you are thinking clearly and want to do better for yourself and your son. You can do this. It may take hard work and sacrifice for a while, but you will be making a much better environment for you and your child to grow up in. Take care. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 4:25PM
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Your son is too young to remember any of this. By the time he's old enough to have permanent memories, I suspect you'll be reconstructed and stabilized and have a better life in-hand. You'll have a different head on your shoulders. You'll be a different -- and superior -- person all around. Those would be admirable things for you to accomplish. I'd like to see you go for it.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 4:45PM
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All the best from me too. You do sound like an intelligent girl, you have a great future.

Please let us know how you get on.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2010 at 11:25PM
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get out, this marriage is doomed. if he is emotionally abusive with you, your child does not need to see that, it is better to be divorced. you'll be just fine. move out, file for divorce, stay at your moms for awhile and get some education and career so you can support yourself. good luck!

    Bookmark   August 27, 2010 at 9:32AM
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Here's to the birth control pill and a little job
training - the best friends a woman can have, sometimes.
When you have control of your body and your own income, life is so much easier.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2010 at 2:07AM
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okay so i need a little more advice.. I left, I am at my moms house. I feel free here, like I dont have to walk on egg shells and wait for the next time I've done something "wrong". The one problem is that I always feel so bad about things. Like I have the car, it was my car before we even dated so it became "ours" when we were married. Well of course I took it with me when I left. But now he's sending me messages making me feel bad about him not being able to get to and from work, and blah blah blah. Is it wrong that I feel bad? I mean I guess I know I shouldnt, he asked for this with his actions and words. One of the last things he said to me was "just stay gone i dont want you here anyways" is this some kind of reverse psychology to make me want to go back because he says he doesnt want me there? At this point I am thinking a lot more clearly, its just these small bumps are the hardest to get through. I know its going to be hard, I just need some support from you all reminding me this is the right thing and the only way to go at this point. Thanks again for all of your follow ups. I'll keep updating.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2010 at 12:37PM
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Of course you "feel bad about things." That's perfectly rational/normal when things are bad...which they are. But they're better. And they're going to be better still.

Stop "feeling bad" and start looking ahead and make it happen. You'll have all kinds of things to work out but don't look back. Keep moving ahead. And DO NOT let the man you described drag you back.

Sounds to me like you've done the right thing.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2010 at 2:24PM
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Don't engage in any dialog with him;
narcissists are like telemarketers-
if they can keep you talking long enough, they'll win & you'll pay.

How did he get to work before you came along?

    Bookmark   September 1, 2010 at 5:52PM
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Him not being able to get to work is not your problem. He's a big boy, he can find a way. What is that old saying "he made this bed now he can lay in it". He brought all this on himself. When he contacts you and starts in with his crap just hang up. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you now. You are doing what is right for you and your son. Keep up the good choices and decisions you have started to make.
Don't go backwards. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   September 1, 2010 at 5:56PM
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It is normal to feel bad about what is going on. You are a kind compassionate person, of course you will "feel" for his predicament.

He is trying to make his problem your problem, be aware that is going on, with regard to "how am I going to get to work". He is an adult, he needs to manage his own life. Keep that in mind.

Perhaps you could change your phone number, so he cannot contact you.

Time will heal, keep a level, sensible head and take each day as it comes. Work out your priorities and stick to them.

All the best for you, you are young you will recover and be a better person for all the troubles you have conquered in your young years. Good for you !

Take care

    Bookmark   September 1, 2010 at 7:24PM
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There is a curve here: the more you act in a mature manner, the more he will try to manipulate you - until he sees that you mean business.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2010 at 1:24AM
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You're doing the right thing ckc --

My son was very lucky to grow up in a home with two parents who loved each other very much and treated each other with kindness and respect, and has grown into a kind and responsible person.
Of course, to get to that point, I had to divorce my son's emotionally abusive father, become a single mother for a while, then start over in the relationship market... But it has been *so* worth it. My son was able to grow up with the kind of role models we all want our children to see.

I'm sure you want the same for your son -- and NOW you have a chance of getting it. No guarantees, of course -- but a chance, which you could never have had with the boy's biological dad.

When the going gets tough -- and it will -- compare how you feel now with how you felt 'walking on eggshells'. Heck - LIVING on eggshells. Sure, it's hard being a single parent. But it's a heck of a lot easier than being married to a jerk who verbally abuses you and tears you down. At least you're even -- not 'in the hole'. You may not get any help, but exactly how much 'help' was he anyway?

And do please replace the phrase 'the car' with 'my car' -- which it was and is. Your separate property pre-marriage did not become joint property simply because you married him. Yeah - he needs a car. Not your problem.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2010 at 6:22PM
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LOL. Yes, it's normal. I remember crying my eyes out once (at 19) because if I left "who would make him food and buy him shoes?"

LMAO. Somehow he's managed. And your ex will too. Stay strong. Everyone above has good advice, and everyone agrees. If you look at the history of this board, that's a rare thing. We are all very different people, male and female, young(er) and old(er) from very different walks of life and we disagree often.

We are all 100% in agreement here. That says a lot!

    Bookmark   September 7, 2010 at 3:58PM
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The best thing my ex ever did for me was to find a new victim, I mean wife!

It meant that he was somebody else's problem *& not mine*.

As soon as he gets tired of finding his own way to work, this guy will find someone else, too.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2010 at 6:05PM
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"We are all 100% in agreement here."

Hadn't considered that. True, in this case....and quite unusual.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2010 at 6:58PM
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