married 1-1/2 yrs- going crazy!!!!

uspresidiotAugust 1, 2007

I married my hubby dec 3rd 2005 after we dated for one and a half yrs. I said yes to marriage mainly because i thought i liked him well enough and he was great with my three yr old daughter who was 2 when we met. I think I may have married for all the wrong reasons. and to top it off he has no sex drive, we have had sex like less than ten times sine we got married and even less before. something i knew going into it, so can only blame myself for that. he will help me out in that department so i know he is attracted to me, but i cant do anything for him. he needs to see a doctor. anyways this isnt why im writing. lately i find my self sitting here looking around asking myself how did i end up here? i keep remembering what it was like for me years ago and how free it was to be single and happy. also i had this one bf i still have lingering thoughts for, and my hubby knows about it, and i saw him in january and cheated on my hubby with him, my hubby knows and still sticks around. he claims to love me, but most of the time i am just annoyed by him. i know i must sound like a witch, but i am not sure what to do, i'd rather leave now instead of putting him through years of misery. also i want another baby which i dont think he can give me.

please any suggestions. comments. etc...

thanks

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halfdecaf

Well, okay, I'll go first...

It sounds to me - from the way you've told it above - that perhaps you didn't think this through thoroughly before you decided to get married. I hope that, at the very least, this experience is helping you understand what kinds of questions and issues need to be considered before making a lifelong commitment to someone. I don't get the sense from your words that you had any kind of premarital counseling - in retrospect, it probably would have been very helpful. But that's neither here nor there at this point.

I would like to suggest that - regardless of whether you stay with this man or decide to divorce him - you do some deep thinking about what marriage is. When a person stands with another in their wedding ceremony, he/she makes a vow...a commitment and a promise that is meant to be lifelong. Those words are arguably the most important promise one person can make to another and they should not be taken lightly. You broke that promise to your first husband when you cheated on him. And it sounds like you're heading down the road of breaking that promise to your current husband (should you decide to leave him). I don't think you're a "witch," but it sounds to me as though you've got a bit to learn about what the marriage commitment entails.

One other thought - you may not intend this, but your last sentence makes it sound like you are looking at the person you marry with very utilitarian eyes - as a sperm donor, if you will. Bringing a child into this world is not about acquiring something you want for yourself. Good parents realize early on that having a child is much much more about giving of yourself than about getting for yourself. I encourage you to ask yourself: "What am I teaching my child(ren) about marriage and relationships by the way I'm living my own life?" A hard question, but if you are intent on setting in motion the process to create a new little life in this world, it's one that really needs to be examined.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2007 at 5:53PM
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asolo

"....what it was like for me years ago and how free it was to be single and happy."

Maybe better for all if you stayed that way. But, of course, you want babies.

Due respect, but from your description you sure don't sound like marriage material to me. You're blowin' with the breeze. Have no idea where your husband's coming from after all you've shown him.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2007 at 9:57PM
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colliecm

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE A PACT THAT IF ONE FEELS THEY HAVE TO CHEAT THEN IT'S BETTER TO JUST LEAVE. NOT BEING RUDE, BUT IMAGINE THE FEELING OF KNOWING THE PERSON YOU COMMITTED YOUR LIFE TO WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SOMETIMES I THINK OF LEAVING MINE WHEN THINGS ARE GOING ROUGH BUT I TOOK A VOW FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND I FEEL YOUR PAIN ABOUT THE SEX DRIVE IT'S HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW AND WE'VE BEEN MARRIED LESS THAN 2 YEARS. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I TOO MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASONS, I WAS A SINGLE MOTHER, LONELY, AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO WASN'T MARRIED,BUT I TRULY LOVE MY HUSBAND. I THINK IT'S BETTER TO GET OUT NOW, RATHER THAN GO ON LIKE YOU ARE. IF YOU WANT MORE KIDS THEN I THINK YOU HAVE TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER FIRST. FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE-HAVING A BABY WHEN YOUR UNSURE WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE. TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 2:10AM
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scarlett2001

Please, Colliecm. don't print all caps - it's like shouting, and hard to read. Maybe your Caps Lock got stuck?

I just want to point out that "the grass is always greener on the other side." Single life looks pretty good to me right now too, but when I was single, I thought married life would be an improvement.

As for marriage being a lifetime committment - well, it "should" be but 52% of us know it isn't, always. Now if the OP isn't getting any sexual satisfaction, and that is an important part of marriage to her, and if that condition cannot be remedied - then I think the honorable thing to do is pull up stakes, because otherwise, the ol' itch wants to be scratched and it WILL be scratched, with resulting guilt, blame and sadness all around. But try to see if you can't resusitate the guy. Maybe he can be fixed and if not, you walk away knowing you did your best.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 8:52PM
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