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rave9August 14, 2006

Heard from a reliable source that wife had a "fling" while we were engaged. Should I bring this up to her? It's been over 10 yrs since it happened.

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What you be hoping to accomplish?

    Bookmark   August 14, 2006 at 3:18PM
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It depends on your personality. I would. There is no way I could hold something like that inside without discussing it. Ignoring it, or not talking about it will not make it go away. It may tear you up inside and make matters worse. Now, that's me. If it doesn't really bother you and you think you can ignore/forget about it, then I would try that route.

I know some women choose to ignore or look the other way if they know their husband is having an affair, and I could see that point if you thought this was a marriage ender thing. But, this situation doesn't sound like you're marriage is doomed especially since it happened so long ago and before you were marrried. So, I see no reason for not bringing it up unless you are so forgiving of a person that you really don't want someone you love to have to admit to it.

Problem is, I would assume that this revelation has caused you to doubt or distrust your wife in some ways. It would be nice to hear her side of the story. What if the 'facts' and your asssumptions are wrong? What were her reasons? It would be nice to hear her out rather than assume the worse and distrust her for the rest of your marriage.

Guess it really boils down to your personality and what you can live with.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2006 at 5:17PM
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You are thinking about it now, aren't you? So it is on your mind...and probably always will be, and might come out when you are having an argument..when you may not want to bring it up.

I would choose your time...think carefully about what you want to say...and why you want to talk about it..and bring it up.

Think about how she may react to you asking her, would she be defensive, perhaps.

Its rather upsetting, really.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2006 at 3:18AM
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It was 10 years ago. You are reacting like it happened recently because it is new information to you. That's understandable. But remember, she chose you 10 years ago and has stayed with you for that long. You must be doing something right.
I wonder what motivation this reliable source had for bringing it up 10 years later. What a horribly mean thing to do.
What do you expect your wife to say or do now? It's happened. She can't change it. Do you expect her to deny it? Then what?
Unless you are fully prepared for all the possible consequences of bringing this up, keep it to yourself.

    Bookmark   August 16, 2006 at 7:51PM
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I thought about this a little more and, I agree, what kind of reliable source brings up something like that to you? Maybe they aren't really all that reliable or trustworthy. I'm really thinking that there is a possiblity that it didn't happen. She may have stayed over at a co-worker's house or something and people just assumed it happened. Was the reliable source the other guy himself, or did she just go around telling lots of people so that some day it would get back to you?

I can't really imagine what the negative "possible consequences" of bringing this up are. Worse case scenario she didn't do it and is pissed that you would ever believe it. Other than that, unless you are totally afraid of confrontation/open communication what could really go all that wrong. A little crying? or... maybe you'll learn...

1.)She really didn't do it
2.)She did it because she was questioning the marriage, but it made her realize you really were the one
3.)She was drunk or just acting immature
4.) She admits she had sex with John Smitth, your best freind and half brother the day before the wedding, and yes, he was great, so much so that she continued to see him, even on the honeymoon and to this day, in fact that last phone call was him. And, by the way the kids..well, they may be his, and since you brought it up, well, she thinks she's going to leave you for him, so what if he's a priest, he rocks her world!

Bottom line, If my husband ever heard I had cheated on him, even before marriage, I would expect him to bring it up to me and not ignore it. If you can't/don't talk openly in your marriage then you have a lot bigger problems than if your wife had a fling before you were married. And, just because something happened many years ago isn't a reason to ignore it especially if it bothers you.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 12:45AM
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Disagree with carla. 10 years? "Reliable" source? Telling you now, why?

If you have a shaky marriage anyway, maybe the potential consequences don't matter to you. If you have a good marriage, why sprinkle this poison on it? If it isn't true you'll cause a lot of pain and put everything else at risk. If it is true, you'll cause a lot of pain and put everything else at risk. I don't see any benefit regardless and I think your "source" is a snake for bringing it up to you. Something's not right there. This disclosure was made to you for a reason -- some agenda at work. Unless YOU have some agenda not mentioned in your post, I'd suck it up.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 1:05PM
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I totally agree with you that possibly the disclosure was made for a reason. That is exactly why it should be discussed (and not ignored), IMHO. If someone is trying to sabotage the relationship it needs to be brought out in the open. It will not go away on it's own and the sabotager may just continue in other ways.

Do you really think this kind of thing can just be "sucked up" by most and will just go away if it isn't addresssed?

I'm just not understanding exactly what is he putting at risk if he brings it up? Will she leave him? Will she cry, scream, lie, hit? Exactly what is the worse that can happen if he brings it up and she admits to it? Can it be all that worse than his living with the mistrust and uncertainy of her faithfulness now? She may actually want to get it off her chest. That's a long time to be carrying something like that around.

If he doesn't think she did it, he could just tell her what someone else said about her and see how she reacts. He doesn't have to jump on her about it.

And, I'm also wondering if it would make a difference if this had happened 10 years ago right after they were married, what about 5 years ago, 1 year ago, or 1 month ago. What time period is ok to just forget about, and at what point would you think it's ok to bring it up?

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 1:59PM
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"Do you really think this kind of thing can just be "sucked up" by most and will just go away if it isn't addresssed?"


    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 2:30PM
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All great replies, thank you. I've been thinking alot about this news I've had for 7 days now. It came from a reliable source, that is true. What I don't know is if the guy stretched the story or not. Some guys will get to 2nd base and tell his friends he hit a home run. I don't know this guy at all.

As for my wife, what will this gain? I don't know. She has been faithful since marriage, cause she has been a stay at home mom all but one and a half yrs of marriage(this fling happened before marriage). I'd like to know b/c if it is true, I'd like her to know that if I knew of it back then, she would not be here now, not with me and would not have had these beautiful kids.

Makes me mad thinking that I turned down offers, yet she decided to take one of her offers. If this is true.

Our marriage is plenty strong to handle me bringing this up, no question at all. If I do we will still grow old together.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2006 at 6:18PM
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You don't know the guy at all and don't know if he stretched the story? (Nor do you know his motives.) And you consider that a reliable source? So maybe she had a fling, and maybe she didn't--or maybe it was just a flirtation.

Applying the Golden Rule is always safe. If the tables were turned, and some woman your wife "doesn't know at all," who "might be stretching the story," claimed to have had a fling with you before getting married, what would you want your wife to do with the information? How would it affect your love for her, your respect, and the future of your marriage, if she were eager to let you know that "if the story is true," and she had known of it back then, you would not be her husband today and would not have these beautiful kids.

What is the story is not true? How will she feel about your quickness to believe the worst of her? And either way, someday in the future, if you yourself should ever stray, you will have paved the way for your wife to say, "You claim you would have broken our engagement if I had had a fling and you found out about it. Well, now I have found out about your present fling and it is much more serious because we are married, not just engaged. According to your way of thinking, this should break us up, so I want a divorce."

While I understand your anger about her possibly having done something you resisted doing, aren't your wife's well-being and your marriage more important than keeping score that way? What disturbs me about your posts is not the idea of your asking her about the story, but the anger and willingness to hurt her, even now, after 10 years of her being faithful to you. If you do talk this over, it is that anger and mean-spiritedness that will do the most harm, and that is why I mentioned the Golden Rule. If you can take the matter up in the way you would want her to handle it if the situation were reversed, your marriage may be strengthened. If your motive is anger and revenge, it will do harm, whether the story was true or not.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2006 at 1:44AM
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"I'd like to know b/c if it is true, I'd like her to know that if I knew of it back then, she would not be here now, not with me and would not have had these beautiful kids.

Makes me mad thinking that I turned down offers, yet she decided to take one of her offers. If this is true.

Our marriage is plenty strong to handle me bringing this up, no question at all. If I do we will still grow old together."

Vengeful little toot, aren't you, as well as smug?

Married people are on the most intimate terms.
Your partner is, or should be, the person in whom you have the most trust, the most faith.

What somebody outside the marriage says is irrelevant at most.

You don't know that person's motives or morals (there *are* people who say spiteful things just to enjoy the power of destroying other people's lives.)

What you're proposing to do is insulting & threatening, not the kind of behavior anybody should receive from their partner.

Are you contemplating maybe the power of making your wife feel threatened & insecure?

It can backfire.

Maybe she would wish she had taken up some other offer.

2. "I have no doubt we'll grow old together."

Women today do have options.
They *can* escape from men who are mean to them.

Don't do something you can't undo.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2006 at 6:14PM
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I think you should ask her about it. Why? So she can see your true colors and decide for herself if you are the kind of man she should be with. If I were in her shoes you'd be out the door for telling me something like this:

"I'd like to know b/c if it is true, I'd like her to know that if I knew of it back then, she would not be here now, not with me and would not have had these beautiful kids.
Makes me mad thinking that I turned down offers, yet she decided to take one of her offers. If this is true.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2006 at 8:30AM
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Well said Sylvia!

So what could happen if you confront your wife? She admits it, or she denies it.

- If she admits it, you're certainly not going to be very happy. And if you give her that snarky attitude about all the free sex you didn't get, she'll be plenty un-impressed with you too. Definitely, not the "grateful you married her anyway" little wifey you're imagining. If she's been a good wife to you and you truly love her, bringing that kind of anger and pain into the mix won't help.

- Now imagine what would happen if she denies it? Will you even believe her? Or not? If my husband believed some stranger over me, I'd be plenty mad! For him not to trust me absolutely?! What kind of marriage is that? Either you trust her absolutely, or you don't. And if you trust her absolutely, some stranger's story, short of dated photographs, should hold no weight.

If she admitted it, would you forgive her? Could you honestly step back and realize that she is only human, and that she may have once made a mistake? (Maybe you made a mistake once too?) That any mistake that may have happened is old news, and doesn't reveal much about the person she is now, the wife you've been happily married to for the past ten years, the mother of your children...

Try realigning your thinking from "I would never have married that skank!" to "Thank goodness nothing prevented me from marrying this wonderful woman!"

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 1:30PM
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I would guess that the reliable source is a woman who knows you and your wife well. The story that your wife had a premarital fling would not be something another man would be able to work into a conversation with you. You wouldn't believe an enemy or a stranger or somebody at work.
Your wife will make the same guess, and think about which of her friends is likely to be having marital problems and want to be discussing intimate topics like this with you. Its a real invitation to you--motive and probably opportunity.
You are angry at your wife (who was probably not involved with anybody but instead arguing with the wedding planner over floral pieces)and you are thinking "I could have been involved with all of the bridesmaids if I had only known. " The person who told you is probably having a laugh at how easy it was to spread a little poison in your direction.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2006 at 8:43PM
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Hmmm...how about looking at things from this angle:

Aren't the people we marry pretty much the product of their prior relationship experiences? Most of us know that our significant others dated before us.

If I really felt, after some soul searching that it was a one-tiem thing way back when, but my marriage had been great since that time, I'd be inclined to find a way to "get ok" with it within myself.

Why? If my ultimate goal is to remain in this good marriage, I need to do what I judge to be in service of that goal. By bringing it out now you're likely to create a huge mud puddle just "working through" this thing that wasn't doing anything.

Also, not that it's right or wrong....but I know tons of guys that have "last flings" before they get married, never to indulge again.

Surely you're not under the illusion that either of you are completely honest with each other?

Can you say "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" "Babe, do you think this half-shirt makes me look like white trash?"



    Bookmark   October 12, 2006 at 6:15PM
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Know what YOU want! If this news is going to eat you up completely unless you confront her - you will have to confront her - you do not have choice.

Otherwise - just forget and continue your life. Easier said than done, but... Just to calm yourself down - remember some fling you had (hopefully, you did), that she does not know of. Life is life. For whatever reason that happened - it's such a past - 10 years! No need to be worried. She has been a good wife. So, let it go.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2006 at 12:57AM
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Hey, if she had a fling while you were engaged, and she married you anyway, doesn't that tell you something positive about her? She checked out an alternative and chose you anyway.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 1:27PM
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