Advice PLease : Married for the wrong reasons

ladyc1979August 18, 2010

I'm so misable in my marriage all we do is argue everyday and can't comprmise on anything at all. I have been married for 4yrs and have 4 kids 2 frm before the marriage and 2 frm my husb. I only married him because I was preg. Wth our first child and already had 2kids and jus felt like it was the right thing to do at the time now I'm paying for it I love him but I'm not in love wth him and never was I'm confused if I should stay because of the kids or jus stop wasting both of our time and leave ????

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First, stop trying to populate earth single handedly. Kids are the ones who suffer from the marital woes of their parents and they are completely helpless to do anything about it, except suffer until they are 18 and can get out. Do you have any idea how much suffering that is?

As for YOUR problems, everybody feels like throwing in the marriage towel sometimes. Your job is to get some counseling and evaluate whether it is fixable or not. If it is fixable, you have a responsibility to do so. If not, your next step is to figure out how are you going to make an alternate life for your children and yourself, other than swinging from one man to another.

I have said this about 1,000,000,000 times, but if you don't have a job skill, go to a community college program and learn how to do something that can give you financial support.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 5:30PM
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"I have been married for 4yrs and have 4 kids 2 frm before the marriage and 2 frm my husb. I only married him because I was preg...."

"I love him but I'm not in love wth him and never was..."

"...I'm confused..."

Notice all, please. I'm not saying anything.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 8:17PM
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Oh my.

Were the two kids you already had from another marriage or were they outside of a marriage and "unintended"? If the latter, that would make 3 "mistakes". Who knows about #4. Look - it's pretty easy to not get pregnant these days. Stop getting pregnant!

If you leave him, you will have 4 children who are the product of divorce. Sure, it's common these days, but it does make it difficult for them and can mess them up. If you stay with him and don't work to make things better, your children will grow up in a setting that isn't good for them. I see no win for them either way.

So - if you think you are up to committing to working on your marriage and making it a good (well, maybe decent would be the best you could hope for) one, I say stay and try it. You've already made some very bad decisions - for yourself, your husband, and your children. Try to fix things.

And for goodness sake, stop having children.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 8:32PM
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Hi again, ladyc. Just thinking a bit more. Do you think your husband is in the same position as you? Is he feeling frustrated and confused and sorry for the marriage? It is a very sad situation for all 6 of you. I do hope that you can try together to come to a mutually happy place with each other. You may even rediscover some of what caused you to hook up in the first place (assuming that it was more than hormones). I hope so. In my opinion, you won't be able to do it without outside help. You will need a professional to work with you both together and probably each of you separately for awhile.

My parents had 3 children and "stayed together for the sake of the children". I know that for a fact. Although we kids knew that it wasn't a terrific marriage, they did (mostly) respect one another, didn't fight in front of us (ok, little disagreements, but not rages or even much arguing), and functioned as an intact family. It was a great lesson for us.

We had a good childhood, even though we knew that their being together was largely due to us. We sure could tell when things were rough or tense between them. It taught us committment and how to find joy in little things. It taught us respect. And our parents did have a very good life togther. Their bond grew because of experiences, mutual goals, and family life. I would venture to say at this point that, as it turned out, they ended up being happier together than they would've been apart. It certainly took work but they were both committed to it. Of course, therapy wasn't common in those days and so they had to do it on their own. We are more fortunate now in that it's readily available and there's little, if any, stigma attached to it.

In our case, it was better for us as kids and also as adults that our parents stuck it out. I hope you can, too.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2010 at 7:44AM
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"You can't find happiness by getting what you want. You find it by wanting what you get."(don't know who said this quote)

I am wanting what I get, and very happy since the day I said "I DO" Of course, sometimes I wanted to kill him, but most of the time I appreciated things he did for me.

Please work it out, take care of him and the children, live for them and you will find happiness within yourself.

The grass is not greener on the other side of the hill.....That is for sure.....(according to my opinion).

I hope you find peace.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2010 at 1:59PM
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Your first step is to work out better ways to communicate.

Why do you argue all the time ? Work on this problem first. Concentrate on sorting out a better way to deal with day to day problems.

It is not time to throw in the towel..without making an effort to sort out you problems.

Remember the children involved in your family see all, they are learning how to deal with life.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2010 at 11:57PM
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absolutly leave.its not fair your kids to see the constant arguin,you have never been in love with him so i cant see it worth saving

    Bookmark   August 20, 2010 at 11:39AM
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Why are people so quick to suggest you leave? They don't even know your situation.

Stop arguing in front of the children. Fall in love with your husband. You had sex with the man - twice - I assume he's not completely revolting to you.

It's not enough just to stay together for the kids. Love him. Let the kids see you happy - it's the best gift you'll ever give them. You owe them that.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2010 at 10:43AM
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