Beginning to Heal but Still Angry

c4everAugust 11, 2010

I am not married and was never married to the father of my daughter. I met him 4 years ago at work. He seemed to be a nice guy. However, before we got together he had sex with my supposed best friend and roommate even though she knew how I felt about him. He supposedly liked me but according to him, made an impulsive decision because she told him I liked someone else. I blame both for this incident but I gave him another chance because even though they slept together I had not told him how I had felt and he had no way of knowing other than my friend telling him this truth. I wanted to give him a second chance. So, I decided that from that time on we would just start over as friends. He agreed. Time passed and I confessed that I had fallen in love with him. This is when the nightmare began. From that time on he began to mentally and emotionally abuse me. I don't know why I caused myself so much pain. Somehow I convinced myself that he hadn't experienced love and maybe if I showed him what that was he might reconsider his current path. So the abuse continued for 4 years and in the end, he had and is still with the other woman he dumped me for. What's worse is that he told me that because he didn't and never loved me he couldn't love our daughter. This woman was all he ever needed and wanted and she was better than me. His family has also denied the existence of the baby in favor of his relationship with this woman. And Even though I told her the truth regarding my relationship with this man she has decided to take him back. They currently started a photography business together and he is pursuing his Bachelors in Arts for photography. He has moved into her $149,000 two-story house and has proposed marriage. So it seems that he has everything he has ever wanted. He does pay $200 a month for child support because he was unemployed at the time of our CS meeting. He now works at a photography studio, I'm guessing for the steady work. Surprisingly, he's been consistent! The thing is, I'm angry with myself for being really stupid about this relationship. I enabled him to use me and hurt me. However, I'm more angry that he has punished our daughter by denying his love to her. He had also told me that the only children he will acknowledge were any that he had with this woman. Amazingly enough I have actually begun to heal from this but, I am still angry that my daughter and I got the short end of the stick and he gets to be praised by the universe for his actions. To me it just sends the message that it's ok for you to hurt people and use them, you can still get whatever you want. He's being rewarded. He claims to be focusing on the Lord to redeem himself for hurting her because he had been with me. I'm not jealous of what he has nor am I trying to play the victim. I am also a college student pursuing a Bachelors degree and although I'm poor now I know that after graduating from school the future's bright. I've begun to meet and have new friends. I'm trying to reconnect to God by again going to church as I had only been able to go to church off and on because of school and work. Above all, I thank God for my daughter, she is such a joy in my life! So I know I have good things going for me. I don't bear any hatred or envy for this man, but I can't seem to shake the resentment that I feel for his actions against me. I mean I loved him deeply and I feel like I was detested because of that. I'm relieved that I don't have to be hurt and that he's gone from my life. However, I'm happy that he's going to school but it just seems so on the surface. Like I said, I just can't shake the resentment that I feel for his actions against me. I would like any thoughts or advice on this subject

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It's a memory. Put it in its place and move along. Anger is what happens when you allow it to use you. Anger at him; anger at yourself....pointless. It's over. You've learned. Think about other things. Look ahead. Move ahead. Yours to decide.

Everybody has stuff in their lives they know they should have handled differently. Everybody's been done wrong by somebody. Don't have to live there. It's your head and your life. Your the one that gets to put them in order.

And learn about paragraphs.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2010 at 7:31PM
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I only hit the button once....honest.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2010 at 7:47PM
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It is easy to say what you should do, but how exactly do you move on from this annoyance.

I would say, every time those negative thoughts come into your head, you say to yourself "I am not going to think about this" or " I am going to move on with my life", or anything else you think might help.

My point is, you have to decide you don't want this resentment to dictate your happiness, and that you want to "forgive" him for past misdemeanors. Then work on your thoughts, every time don't let them swamp you.

It is all about changing your thinking.

Good luck.

Let the past go, and focus on the future, you have a good life and lots to look forward to.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2010 at 1:30AM
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He gave you a wonderful gift, your daughter.
He gave you great insight: how to manage people like this in the future.
He gave you freedom: you don't have to keep thinking things will get better.

Think of something that makes you happy. Every time you think of him, replace the thought of him with that image.

Like Asolo said, we've all made mistakes. We've all been with people who have left a bad feeling in our hearts. Forgive. Move on. Dwelling will only make you bitter.

Best of luck.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2010 at 4:46PM
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This is a little bit Flintstones, but I think it works: get a rubber band, medium width, and put it around your wrist. Leave it on for at least one week. The band should be snug but not too tight.

Now every time you think about this man and the situation in a negative way, you snap the rubber band. The idea is not to hurt yourself, but to reinforce a new behavior. Snap it, then give yourself a phrase that you will repeat every time. Maybe something like, "a great daughter came from that and I'm moving on to a positive future."

At first your wrist will be red, because your old thinking probably happens quite frequently. After awhile, your new positive behavior will kick in. Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 2:32AM
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" but, I am still angry that my daughter and I got the short end of the stick and he gets to be praised by the universe for his actions."

He gets praised by the universe?! Are you kidding?! He sounds like a Grade AAA Jerk, and you're lucky to be rid of him. Yeah, maybe his life looks pretty good right now, but character is the 'gift that keeps on giving', and this guy's poor character is guaranteed to screw up his life pretty completely pretty soon.

And YOU have your daughter, without any interference from him. That may not feel like much of a blessing right now, but take a look over on the StepFamily forum at some of the drama and trauma caused by dysfunctional bio-parents. If you get a check and nothing else -- you're probably better off.

You've also learned from this relationship. You're stronger and smarter, and sorry -- but he's still a jerk.

You don't have to stay angry with him. Just recognize that he's a schmuck, a dysfunctional person, a louse -- and you don't need him in your life.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2010 at 10:57PM
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Thank you all so much for your advice and responses. Sorry for the straight paragraph. I was in a moment of despair and didn't think about anything but the pain I was going through at the moment. I know that I don't have to struggle with this. I know I can make these negative feelings go away and I'm glad that I do have my daughter; she's such a blessing. She's what I thank God for everyday.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2010 at 5:37AM
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