Um.. Hi..advice please?

traci_green_7August 5, 2010

I just got married in May. Im 18. My husband is just turned 21 last week. We're just kids i know. But, I have been emancipated since i was 15, and have done some college, have a steady 9-5 office job and own all of my things (no debt/loans) except for my monthly rent and utilities. He works an oilfield job, and has also done some college. We got married because we just sort of wanted to. I'm not pregnant, neither of us are broke... we just love one another.

Here's my problem:

Every where i go I'm seeing divorce, hatred, and discontent in marriage. Are we gonna turn out like that? How can i make my new marriage work? His mom has been divorced four times. My parents have been together 30 years. It makes me scared because sometimes i feel he doesn't take this marriage seriously..but i really do.

Help.

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asolo

Seems to me you're making stuff up to worry about. The "problem" you've described is what's in your head as far as I can tell.

What does he do or fail to do that makes you think he's not "taking this marriage seriously"? What's going on otherwise that has you thinking about impending doom within a couple of months of tying the knot?

Nice that you're both paying attention to income and expenses. Many younger couples don't. Good on ya both about that.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 12:22PM
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traci_green_7

well i just worry, and i know i can be overly sensitive to the way he acts, but he works in another state 5 days a week. i live in wyoming, and he goes to north dakota to work. When he comes home i am desperate to spend time with him. However, he likes to be with his friends and go to parties etc. He has just turned 21 so i understand to an extent. But when i say, "we are married now so things are a little different" and i ask him to focus on us more, he gets upset. I don't want him to feel trapped or like he can't be with his friends, but i feel like i should be a priority to him now, because he is my main priority. i get really lonely when he's gone.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 12:29PM
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asolo

What you've described is so typical, there's not much sense in saying more about it.

Does beg the question, though....a question both of you should have asked yourselves and each other before you got married. Why are we doing this? Seems to me he certainly doesn't know and whatever your previous idea about it was clearly has no priority now.

The reason you gave was "We just sort of wanted to." I can imagine eyes rolling all over the internet. This isn't much of a basis for doing anything. Sounds to me like you weren't doing anything else in particular so decided to go get married for something to do. Did you think some kind of magic would happen afterward? I'm thinking more than a little desperation was at work. May still be.

If you didn't think before, better start now. If you think "love" is enough, you need to wake up. There's whole lot more to it.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 12:54PM
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traci_green_7

no i don't think love is enough at all. I wanted to get married because i wanted a life partner to commit myself too and to share a co-dependence with. My question is: How do i get him to understand that marriage is different than dating. Marriage takes work and commitment. How can i help him understand that? And why does the thought of commitment upset him? If it bothers him so much why did he prepose to me?
And also any advice on how to coexist with another human being permanently without hating each other or divorcing like so many seem to do.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 1:53PM
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asolo

Oh...well that's a whole different story than you started with, isn't it?

You're not going to "get him to understand" anything. What you married is what you've got. Did you think he'd change?

"If it bothers him so much why did he prepose to me? "

How would anyone here know that? Have you asked him?

"And also any advice on how to coexist with another human being permanently without hating each other or divorcing like so many seem to do."

Too much. You are children. Everything on impulse. I give up.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 2:32PM
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amyfiddler

I really really don't get the hostility from asolo here, but it's nothing new so how about a second opinion?

It sounds as if you could use some assistance learning how to express yourself to him - if you emancipated, then probably you didn't grow up in the healthiest of circumstances. Co-existing also requires a lot of sacrifice, and unselfishness, and that means from both of you.

Keep in mind that you can do more than co-exist, you can actually enjoy your partner long term. Maturity is probably a factor here as well.

It is fine to clarify your needs in your relationship. You need to find out how to do so in an authentic way rather than in a blaming, cornering way.

I recommend some study on how to express yourelf. good luck.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 6:44PM
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popi_gw

Gee only 18, that is young to get hitched. I admire your determination to make your union work and seeking advice from us oldies.

Communication skills is the key to a happy marriage. Develop the skill to ask for what you want in a non-confrontational way. You would like him to spend time with you on the weekends..ask him by saying "I would like to spend time with you when you come home" or "It is important to me that we spend time together".

Perhaps take each issue as it arises, try not to be overwhelmed by thinking of "the marriage".

I was married at 22 and my DH never went off to spend time with his friends, we did things together. We wanted to do things together, we socialised as a couple.

I guess you are young so you still have lots of life ahead of you to work these things out.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 11:28PM
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traci_green_7

Thankyou. I know that i'm young and immature. Thats why im looking for advice and help where ever i can find it. I am very happy with my husband. Like i said, im just scared of loosing that happiness. I agree with the last two posts. i believe if i take a less defensive stance when explaining my feelings to him, he will be more open to what i have to say. I think I need to learn to speak his language, and perhaps look at this from his point of view because we are two separate people and thus we think and perceive each other in different ways.I guess i should probably stop assuming that he thinks and feels exactly like me. I appreciate the advice.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 11:33AM
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vala55

He is a kid and acting like one. I was very mature at 18, but my first husband who was 28 was acting like an 18 year old and never grew up. If you are unsure of the marriage, don't have children until you are. If you are financially okay now, you might not be with children to raise.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 5:28PM
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popi_gw

Hi Traci

I think your response is very mature. You have taken on board some good ideas to work on. It is never a good idea to take a defensive stance about anything, it really clouds your judgment, I think.

It is a good skill to learn to see things from another person's perspective, but remember that your opinion is also valid.

I wish you well, sounds like you will retain your happiness, as long as you work at communicating with your husband.

I agree with Vala, don't consider having children unless you have sorted out any issues you have. Make sure you are rock solid before you add responsibilities to the mix.

All the best.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2010 at 12:04AM
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landmarker

Here's my advice.
You are focused on communicating your needs and making him meet your needs. Instead, focus on you being the best wife you can be which means you focus on meeting his needs in the relationship. Figure out his needs. Virtually all men want the same things. In turn, he will work very hard to maintain a relationship where you are meeting his needs. In other words, focus on changes you can make rather than focusing on changes you want him to make. Also, do not allow yourself to become pregnant until you are 100% sure this man is going to be a good husband and father to the children. In other words, don't attempt to have a child in order to change your husband.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2010 at 12:34PM
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traci_green_7

Thanks guys I really appreciate all the advice. It's the best anyone's given me so far in my new marriage. I've got it copied and pasted and plan to continue using it whenever i can. (and don't worry. Though I adore children, Im still too much of child myself to have any. I plan to give it at least 4 years..lord willing)

Thanks Again!

    Bookmark   August 9, 2010 at 1:22PM
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asolo

Due respect.....the "lord" will have zero to do with it. Be careful, please.

And, please, if you have any inkling a baby will solve your problems, please PLEASE, abandon that way of thinking.

Seems to me you're interested in growing and he's not right now. You're in nesting mode and he's still wild. Been going on for ten thousand years. Good luck with your iteration.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2010 at 8:43PM
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phoggie

You are still children...and he is acting like a teen-ager again....so for heavens sake, DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!! a baby would only compound problems...never solves any...then an innocent child pays the price for your stupidity!!!

    Bookmark   August 12, 2010 at 5:50PM
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