Need some advice..a year in and i want divorce.

kcilsAugust 15, 2007

Hello all, i am a 24 year old husband that has been married, for a little over a year, i am a good husband, and i try really really, hard, my wife is also a good wife, but the bottom line is we really seriously don't have anythig in common. i'm quite sue you ask "then what the hell are you all doing married" well its because we have been together since high school, been together 7 years total, but we spent 4 of those years over 1000 miles apart due to college, so as soon as college was over, we jumped the broom and here we are now. I've heard all of the cliches "the first year is the hardest" or the first 3 or 5, and i'm not disputing that, we have our ups and downs, but the true chemistry is not there. We are just very very different, in terms of personality, likes, dislikes, famliy, etc...We always said during our college years that no matter what, we were going to try the married life, we owed it to ourselves for perservering through the 4 years (neither of us was faithful during college, but it was COLLEGE and we accepted it) now i really feel like i'm just going through the motions, over the past year i feel that we have both tried to transform each other into the person that we once was when we were 17! but thats not going to happen, we have grew up and in my eyes we are just not right for each other.

I truly feel that i have lost the passion for our marriage, i enjoy when she is away more than i do when we are together, i don't show it becuase as i said i go through the motions, i respect her and i don't want to see her hurt, but at the sametime, i'm not where i want to be, and most certainly, i'm not happy, and although i can't speak for her, i'm quite sure she isn't either.

So what do I do? do I give it more time and hope things turn for the better? or do I take the reins and tell her exactly how I feel no matter how much it hurts?

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tell her in a most kind way that you feel something is missing in your relationship: passion, things in common etc. Ask her how she feels and tell her that you want to have a serious discussion with possible options: visit to a marriage therapist, trying to rekindle romance, find fun things to do together, end a relationship etc Don't harshly say: it does not work. Suggest to discuss your marriage with her. It is possible she feels the same way and then you both decide what to do and what is the best for both. Don't make it only your decision.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2007 at 12:23PM
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thats exactly what i'm trying not to do, make it my decision only, I do feel she feels the same way but we have been fighting for this to work so long, i don't think she will stop, she kind of cares how other people view us and she doesn't want her family to look down on us. i don't want to harshly say it, but at the same time i truly feel that letting go is the best thing for both parties. Not saying I don't love her, cause I do, and thats why this is so hard, but I am sure we are not right for each other, and haven't been for a long time.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2007 at 12:41PM
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1) Don't have kids.

2) Get it on the table and talk about it. Councelors can be good facilitators if you don't handle this kind of thing well together but -- if you don't/can't -- that's a clue, too. Third parties can help you to view things in ways you may not have considered, but they can't make decisions for you.

3) If you've got a no-go situation, don't massage it to death. You're both young, You're not required to suffer indefinitely if it's not working and there's no hope.

4) If you decide to bail it will hurt and it will be expensive. And you'll get over it.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2007 at 2:06PM
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I dont think you should be concerned about how family members will "look upon" you, if you decide to split up. Its your life, not theirs.

If you care so much about your wife, and yourself, then you would want each of you to be happy. So...keeping that in mind, you can do what is best for both of you, and you seem to know what that is.

Realistically its best to sort this out now, and not proceed with years of mounting unhappiness and frustration, then if you have children that will make it even harder.

Please consider the future.

    Bookmark   August 16, 2007 at 3:30AM
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you are so right, it's just so hard, i do care about her alot and I want her to be happy even if its not with me, but then i think what we have going on now, although we have not had children yet...nor do i want to, we do have some commitments together that would make this even harder, but at the same time, the longer i wait the deeper and deeper i feel i am living a lie, being some where i know is not where i want to be forever.

Even though i beleive we both feel the same way, neither of us wants to be the person who initiates the "seperate ways" conversation. We are holding on to the fact we have been in each others lives for so long.

    Bookmark   August 16, 2007 at 12:13PM
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Are you absolutely sure you know what your wife is thinking ?

Life is too short to spend each day without, happiness, contentment, hope for the future.

You both deserve to have these things in your life.

Believe me, you do not want to have regrets, you do not want to be 50 and look back and think "I should have...."

    Bookmark   August 17, 2007 at 2:26AM
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You said: "We always said during our college years that no matter what, we were going to try the married life,..."

It sounds to me as though neither of you really felt all that committed to it, anyway, and were just trying it out to see if it worked. (Not my idea of a way to start a marriage, but what the heck.)

Now I think you've found your answer.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2007 at 9:00AM
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It sounds like really, you were not ready to jump right into marriage. That you hadn't finished growing up and exploring life independently as an adult. And at 24, that's hardly surprising.

That might be a way to initiate the conversation. It's kind of a variation on the "it's not you - it's me" theme, but it's probably very true. And it may be exactly what your wife is going through also.

Each of you grew in your own directions during college -- which is good and right and part of why you go to college. But you grew in different directions. You grew apart. And the choice you're looking at now is to stop growing so you don't grow even further apart -- or to go your separate ways.

There's a good argument for ending things sooner rather than later -- to preserve the friendhsip, love and respect you have left.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2007 at 3:27PM
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