MIL - Am I being Childish?
Warning: LONG POST!
I dont like my Mother-In-Law anymore. We live in different states. Her visits are becoming harder for me as the years go by. Here is the background: I am 43 and have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have been together for 25 years. We lived together for almost 5 years before getting married. My mother in law was very supportive of our relationship and helped us out financially a few times in those days. After our son was born, we moved to the opposite coast. (Work). The first year was very difficult because my husband and I were very close to her. We talked a few times a week on the phone. As the years went on, our calls became less frequent, but she still visited at least once a year. We could never afford to fly back for a visit in those days. 5 years later we moved back home and were very surprised to find out that my husbands brother (who was 30 years old at the time and still lived with my mother-in-law. He has never been on his own) had his girlfriend and their two sons living with them and they had been living there for almost 2 years! To put it mildly, my husband and I were pretty shocked. Her reply to us was that it was up to my husbands ÂbrotherÂ to share that type of information with us. My MIL was very close to his new girlfriend and her sons even called her ÂgrandmaÂ.
We moved on from that situation but I was always kind of upset about it. I didnÂt understand it. My husband and his brother were not very close, but they always got along fine. We had never had any fights or issues with his brother at all. It bothered my husband, but not like it bothered me. I expressed my disappointment with my MIL about everything but I got stony silence and "IÂm sorry you feel that way". Then I got angry. Even though we lived in the same town, I rarely saw my MIL after that. I also could never understand why a 30 year old man would still be living with his mother. But my husband told me that even though it was wrong for him to still be living there with her, that it bothered him to a degree also, it had nothing to do with us and that I should not let it bother me.
Two years later we moved again to a different state. (Work again). About a year after we moved, my husband was talking to my MIL on the phone and found out that his brother had married the girlfriend, and there was a huge wedding in Florida and she had attended. That made me sit down and cry. That really hurt my feelings. My MIL didnÂt think it was such a big deal. My husband was pretty hurt about it also.
Fast forward 9 years to today. They are all (MIL, BIL and SIL) still living happily together and their boys have grown up and moved out. I am still upset about this whole thing and my MIL knows it. We donÂt talk about it because Â what is there to talk about? My MIL comes to visit about once a year and I dread it. I donÂt want her in my house. Every thing she says or does drives me insane after about 3 days. I asked my husband if he could ask Mom to limit her visits to 3-4 days. She comes for 12. She is semi-retired now. My husband doesnÂt have the guts to ask her if she can have a shorter visit but IÂm about to. My husband has told me to Âsuck it upÂ for his sake and just deal with it. He tries to take off of work as much as possible so he can entertain her.
I feel stupid and childish that I just canÂt get past this. I resent her, my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I feel like an outsider and not part of the family at all. And because of that, I donÂt want to deal with her, them or any of it. My MIL knows, and it doesnÂt stop her from visiting. I guess in her mind, if she wants to see the grandkids, she has to come up here. Our sons are now 15 and 18. They are pretty clueless about all of this also.
My husband wonÂt hear about it anymore. To him, it is what it is and nothing will change the past so we have to accept the way things are and just move on. What happened does still bother him but he can put it on the back burner, so to speak.
So there it is. Am I being childish, or am I justified in the way I feel?