First Love Reunion

armymom8086August 14, 2009

I am most probably going to get blasted for this post, but I think I am in desperate need of a reality check.

My first love and I have recently reunited after 38 years. We were only 14 when we said good-bye due to a military move but that puppy love obviously stayed with each of us all of these years. Several times over the years we had both searched and wondered about the other. We started emailing about seven weeks ago, then the emails graduated to phone calls, and now we are wanting to meet again. The past seven weeks have been the happiest I can remember, we have gotten to know each other again catching up on careers, families, personal likes and dislikes, and exchanging photos...neither of us can seem to get enough.

Here is the problem...we both belong to someone else. We live clear across the country from one another, and are both married. Neither of us have the ideal marriage...but what marriage is ideal. We have discussed the issue that neither of us are happy and have thought of leaving long before we came together.

It is really hard because I want this reunion so badly it hurts and I know he feels the same, but I know once it happens things will get real complicated. It's already complicated. We are both older so no children at home to worry about.

I can't see myself walking away from this. He's all I think of.

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I guess the question is: If you do this, what will you have if it doesn't work out? If you're prepared to go on alone no matter what, then I guess you have your answer. Just be aware that there is no turning back once you step on this path.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 12:30PM
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".....neither of us are happy and have thought of leaving long before we came together."

To begin with, I would think long and hard about that. This is exactly the kind of thing that gets amplified and twisted when one is thinking "greener grass" thoughts such as you are. When the attraction comes, we start imagining justification.

Also, you've said nothing about your family ties notwithstanding that the kids are grown and out. Separation and remarriage to someone with whom you were obviously dallying beforehand will likely blow all that up and I can't imagine that will result in an increase in anyone's "happiness".

Then there's the simultaneous separation and divorce thing. Your desired future partner may or may not follow through whether or not you do. I'm sure you're aware of the many stories about how this can go. Long-distance flirtations always carry HUGE amounts risk along these lines. Right now you can "afford" it because you're both coming from secure places. How certain are you the attraction and intentions are strong enough and honest enough that you're really sure what you're dealing with? If you make your move and he decides not to, you'll likely be SOL.

Then, again, you've got lots of life ahead of you. Hope you make the right choice.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 12:33PM
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armymom, try looking at it this way. What would your advice be to your husband if he were experiencing the same exact thing you're describing? If he were on this board telling us the same thing you are (about him and a girlfriend, of course), what would you advise him to do and how would you feel about it?

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 1:38PM
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Thank you all for your responses. Obviously, you are all reinforcing thoughts that have crossed my mind. There are always the "What ifs" and yes this ultimately could go very badly.

In answer to your question suzique, I would probably wish him well. After all my marriage has been over for some time. I live in very quiet surroundings simply because my husband and I can't seem to say two sentences to each other without setting the other off. We've only been married for four years and two years ago he informed me the intimacy/affection was over, he was once a successful business man and has chosen not to work in three years, while I have continued to, and we differ opinions enormously on relationships with our grown children. My reason for staying, 52 years old and not wanting to live alone.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 2:27PM
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This man may indeed have feelings for you. But, he may just be looking for a toy. How will you feel if it's a one night stand and he stops communicating with you after the deed is done? And how do you know that you're the only one he's romancing over the internet?

If you don't care enough about your husband to spare him any pain that this reunion might inflict upon him, think of the other wife. Would you want anyone to do this to you?

Your husband announced that 2 years into your marriage the intimacy is over. Why? How was your marriage before that? And why did he stop working? Is he ill? Depressed? And have you contributed to the current situation in any way?

Don't do it.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 2:46PM
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ive not read what other people have posted,but i think no matter what people post you are gonna meet him anyway.Im guessing you are bored stiff of your yr husband,and are looking for excitment,just remember being in love at 14 is nothing,you are living in the past,but saying that i watched a film only yesterday,called notebook.I cried 5 times,it was about young love reunited years later ,although no where near 38 this heart says to you GO FOR IT life is shory

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 4:37PM
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armymom, "My reason for staying, 52 years old and not wanting to live alone."

My suggestion to you is, legally separate from your husband. Live alone, find yourself, and see if you can do it. If not, get back with your husband. If so, then break it officially. And then get together with your old flame. Either way, take it slow. You sound lost and like you're looking for the answer. It's there. It's within you, but it is not defined by the guy with you're living.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 5:30PM
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" husband and I can't seem to say two sentences to each other without setting the other off."

Look, if your marriage is toast, why not fess up and get out of there? Seems to me as if the distant/previous honey just has you revved up. Are you that afraid of being alone?

Deal with what you've got. Everything else is uncertain.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 8:58PM
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Forgetting the distant past, the fear of starting over at 52, not admitting failure, has been enough to stay. However, the distant past whether it is with him or not has me questioning do I want to spend the rest of my life in this relationship. It's tough.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 10:06PM
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You're military. You should understand what "decision" means by now.

BTW, 52 is is no big deal.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:16PM
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What was it about your husband that convinced you to marry him 4 years ago? It seems strange that your marriage "died" just 2 years later for no apparent reason.

I'm trying to understand if the beginning was really the start of the end.

When he told you the intimacy was over, what did you think? Were you shocked and stunned? Was it something you were expecting? Were you relieved he said it first?

If his statement came out of the blue and things had been fine up to that point, what do you think caused him to feel this way?

Were you able to communicate when you were first married? Did you have anything in common at the beginning?

Does he have an illness? Is he suffering from Erectile Dysfunction? Is he diabetic? Is he much older than you?

He hasn't worked in 3 years. Why? Retired? Fired?

If you weren't working, would there be money to pay the bills? Are you working because it gets you out of the house? Or because you love your job? Or because you need the income?

You sound miserable, but I don't think getting involved with someone else will solve your problems.

asolo is right when he says, "Deal with what you've got."

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:24PM
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52 is not all that bad! You still have lots of time to squeeze the juice outta the grapes of life. I would rather be on my own at any age than with a dud mate (and I think that is what this is really all about.) Have you never been on your own?

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 4:19AM
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I don't think you should stay in bad marriage. Life is too short.

But your hopes of living happily ever after with junior high sweetheart whom you haven't seen since he was 14 are very naive. It is OK to meet him but thinking that he is the solution is naive. It is not a soltuion to live your husband because of 14-year-old boy you used to like. To leave your husband because your marriage is very bad is a different story.

You are talking about it like you already got back together, all you did is exchanged emails and photos. It doesn't mean anything.

i had high school sweetheart who periodically resurfaced talking about madly being in love wiht me. Once he called in the middle of the night crying how much he loved me and how lonely he is. I was divorced then and although had no interest in high school sweetheart I did have some thoughts, you know like memories come back to you. But I found out from my other former classmates that not only he was married but at the time he called, his wife was pregnant and had a baby about a week after his phone calls to me!!!! I know from friends that he is still married to that some poor woman and they have two almost grown children yet he recently contacted me via email again and started the same talk. I asked him to not email me anymore and luckily he stopped.

you do not know what is on this guy's mind, he says his marriage is bad but you never know, he might be in midlife crisis and bored or maybe he shows your emails to his buddies and they laugh. You do not know him and he doesn't know you.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 1:12PM
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I don't think seven weeks of e-mails and phone calls should be characterized as anything more than fodder for a pleasant fantasy. I don't see how you can possibly have any confidence that you know what you're dealing with. If, as you say, "The past seven weeks have been the happiest I can remember..." the rest of your life to date must have been pretty dull or your memory is bad. Or, more likely, your imagination and emotions are more powerful than they deserve to be in an otherwise-functional adult's life.

Fantasy does have its place. Does it deserve the place you've given it?

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 1:49PM
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I didn't read your post. I read the first sentence, and decided you don't need to depend on us for your answer.

Dont' do it, whatever it is. Go get help instead. We can't help you here, other than to tell you what you already know.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 2:51PM
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I agree that if your marriage is bad, you need to concentrate on getting out of it 1st. The same goes for the guy your emailing with. If he leaves his wife then you build up a relationship slowly I wouldn't be "as against it" as I am now.

How would you feel later on, after you leave your current husband, that he's found another school love and has been contacting them behind your back? You are always going to wonder if he shuts the monitor off, closes windows, logs out when you're in the room. Then there is his cell.

Even if you both left your unhappy marriages, you are still not in the same area. Who is going to relocate? Then you start a real relationship where you see each other regularly.

Let me compare this to a college relationship where one person is away at school, the other visits every weekend or every other. Once the college person graduates and moves home, it's like a new relationship. After a few months you should see how compatible you really are.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 9:27AM
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